Page 26

Charlie

I slowly open my eyes to my dark room. My head feels like I’ve been hit with a baseball bat. I wince as I look around and see Avatar is playing on my TV with the sound low.

I don’t remember turning that on or getting in bed. I lean back slightly but I’m met with cool sheets instead of a warm body.

Overwhelming sadness washes over me as I burrow into my blankets and stare blankly at the TV. I don’t know why I thought Shane would be here. He had a game last night and if they won, my father would have taken them out afterward, so he probably didn’t get back until late and went home.

I really need his arms around me to stop the memories of him and what he did.

A shiver races down my body at the thought of him walking through the door and his putrid, stale cigarette scent seeping into my lungs. I squeeze my eyes shut and wrap my pillow around my head trying to keep the memory away. But then his black eyes are right in front of me as his evil yellow smile makes my skin go cold all over again.

“Why do you look so scared, boy? I’m only here to make sure you’re keeping up your part of the deal.”

He steps away and looks around.

“At least there aren’t rodents running around.” He looks back at me, licking his lips. “How about we take a look at your room, huh? I’d like to feel those sheets, make sure they aren’t too scratchy for your delicate skin.” He reaches out to stroke the side of my face, but I step back before he can touch me, my heart racing when I realize what I just did. “N-no.” I stutter out past trembling lips. “You c-can look around and report to my f-father that my house is c-clean. You d-don’t need to touch m- anything.”

He stares at me with hardened eyes before laughing. “Looks like little Charles found a backbone. Too bad I don’t listen to little gay boys.” He laughs again as he steps towards me. “Now, either you go willingly, or I force you. You know I’m stronger than you, boy.”

He’s backed me up to my art room door. It’s cracked open so I hurriedly push it open and slam it shut behind me. Only it doesn’t close. His hand is sticking through, preventing the door from closing.

“No!” I push the door with all my strength hoping to hurt him enough that he’ll pull away, but he kicks the door, knocking me backward on my ass.

“You know I don’t like playing games Charles.” He growls, standing over me with his arms crossed over his stomach. “Get up. Your father is expecting my call. If you don’t cooperate,” he picks up the sculpture of Shane, “this pretty boy will be mine.”

I watch in horror as he drops it, pieces of gray clay shattering all over the floor.

“N-no! L-leave him a-alone!” I climb to my feet as my heart beats faster than it ever has before. My vision goes in and out as I shakily make my way over the broken pieces. When I get to the door, he grabs my arm in a bruising grip and pulls me up to his face.

“You’re going to be a good boy for me, or everything in your pathetic life disappears.” His spit hits my face as his disgusting breath burns my nose.

He drops me, and shoves me out of the room, and when I turn back, his hand is reaching for my hair.

I gasp at the feel of fingers in my hair. I move away and curl into a ball. “Please. No...” I whimper onto my knees as I hug them tightly to my chest.

“Shh, baby, it’s just me. You were crying in your sleep.”

I slowly open my eyes to see a warbled Shane. He wipes my eyes, making his face become clear. His blue eyes look sad as he reaches under the blankets and drags me towards him. He’s kneeling next to my bed, looking down at me as he wraps his arms around me.

He holds me for a long time, taking slow breaths. I know what he’s doing, so I do my best to slow my breathing to sync with his. He leans back and strokes the side of my face with his thumb. He still has that sad look in his eye that I’m pretty sure I put there.

“How are you feeling? You slept for a long time. It’s almost two in the afternoon.”

I look up at him but don’t say anything.

He moves his hand towards my hair but stops. Dropping his hand next to my head on the pillow, he leans down and kisses my forehead.

“How about we get you up and get some food in you? Then maybe a warm shower and some Avatar?”

He doesn’t wait for me to answer as he pulls the blankets off my body and helps me sit up. Goosebumps spread all over my skin making me shiver. He takes off his hoodie and tugs it over my head. His scent wraps around me as the warmth takes the chill away.

I go to put my feet on the floor but wince as a sharp sting radiates down the inside of my thigh. I look down and see a long strip of white gauze taped to my thigh with dark blood spots on it. I quickly cover my legs with a blanket as my entire body starts to shake.

Oh shit! He saw it! There’s no way he could have missed it.

You’re so fucking STUPID!

He knows!

You really are a worthless piece of shit!

He’s sad because of YOU!

YOU did that to him!!

I grip my hair and rock back and forth, willing the voices to stop.

“Stop, stop, stop. Go away. Please just go away!” I cry as I pull my hair harder.

Warm fingers cover mine as Shane’s voice breaks through.

“You’re okay, baby. I’m right here. Open your eyes and look at me.”

I shake my head as hair is ripped from my scalp.

“Charlie…” Shane wraps me in a tight hug.

I try to rock and pull my hair, but he has my arms locked in place and he’s holding me still.

“Shh, I’ve got you.” He kisses my left hand and then the right. “Slow your breathing baby, deep breaths. Follow me.” His chest inflates under my head then slowly goes down. He does it until I’m able to match him.

My hands slowly release my hair, pulling a few strands that are tangled around my fingers. He loosens his arms around me so I can drop my arms and when my hands land in my lap, they’re covered in my dark strands. I turn them over and over, wondering how I’m not going bald.

Shane covers my hands with one of his and lifts my face with his other.

“I don’t know what happened but I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always take care of you, regardless of what’s going on up here,” he taps my temple. “Let me help you beautiful.”

I nod slowly as he presses his lips to my forehead. He stands and grabs a pair of sweats off the floor. Pulling the blanket from my legs, I look away in embarrassment as he guides my legs into the pants and pulls them up. He stops at the bandages and kisses the skin next to it before helping me stand. I pull them the rest of the way up and keep my head down as he holds out his hand. I slide my trembling hand into his as we walk to the kitchen.

There’s a bowl of mac and cheese next to a plate with homemade veggie nuggets and two rolls with a bottle of water sitting on the island. He hands me the bowl, grabs the water bottle and plate and walks to the living room. A football game is playing on the TV as we sit on the couch. But I’m not hungry so I set the bowl on the coffee table and curl up in the blankets.

“I already ate while you were sleeping. These are for you,” he holds up the plate and then points to the bowl.

Not wanting to upset him, I grab one of the rolls and rip off a piece, nibbling on it as I watch the game. I can feel his eyes on me as I tear off another small piece and chew it slowly.

“Here, try this. I made them the way you like so you can’t taste the vegetables, and I added some cheese to hide them a bit more.”

He holds out a nugget for me. I take it and bite off a small piece. It tastes exactly like it did the first time he made it for me. I give him a half smile and turn back to the TV. I watch as he leans forward and grabs the bowl. I close my eyes and hope that he doesn’t make me eat any. I hear him mix the noodles and then shift closer. I hold my breath as I wait for him to bring the spoon to my lips.

But I don’t feel anything.

I open my eyes and look at him. He’s set the bowl down on the end table and is looking at me with his brows scrunched together.

I bite my lip as I turn away from him.

Great, you’ve made him mad.

Why don’t you just grow the fuck up and eat the damn food?!

“What’s wrong, Charlie?” He rubs my back as he scoots closer, his thigh against mine.

Shaking my head, I swallow back the frustrating tears. “I’m not hungry. Sorry, you wasted your time on me.” I wrap my arms around my stomach as I brace for his anger.

“Waste my time? Charlie, I wanted to make you food. Whether you believe me or not, I love spending as much time with you as I can.” He moves to the corner of the couch and pats his leg. “Come here.”

I lay my head down on his lap and look up at him. “I’m sorry,” I say quietly.

“Don’t apologize. I’m worried about you, baby. I was trying to help by making your favorite food but if you’re not hungry, I’m not going to force you to eat. I made extra that are already in the fridge for when you are hungry.”

“Thank you,” I whisper up to him.

He rubs his hand over my head, looking down at me. “Can you tell me what happened yesterday? I don’t care about you missing the game as much as I care about who that guy was and what he wanted.”

I want to tell Shane exactly who he is, but I can’t.

Bad things happen to the people who try to help, and I’ll die if something happens to Shane because of me.

When I don’t answer he nods and looks down at my covered legs.

“Can you tell me what happened there?”

I squirm around until the blanket is under my chin, hiding all my broken pieces. I look over his shoulder at the wall, letting my eyes zone out as I share the ugliness that I’ve become.

“I cut when the voices get too loud or when it's all…too much.” I pause for a second, thinking of the relief that comes from cutting. “The sting from the initial cut quiets my mind and the pain from dragging the blade through my skin numbs my head. I don’t always like the way the pills make me feel or how long they last. But this way, I can control it…and I can add another cut if it’s not enough.”

“Baby,” he chokes out as he strokes the side of my face. “I saw all the pill bottles in the bathroom. I know you said your mom refills them, but does she know how many there are? That many different types of drugs can’t be right for one person.”

He sounds confused as he looks down at me. I smile sadly, turning to look at him as tears gather in the corners of my eyes.

“She knows about them because she’s the one who gave them to me. She’s been switching them out ever since I was thirteen. She knows, she just doesn’t care.”

“That’s horrible. I don’t know what half those pills are, but if you take too many, they could kill you.” He looks angry now, his brows furrowing. “Why would she have all of them? Fuck, why does she think it’s okay to give them all to you?” His jaw clenches.

I reach up and smooth the crease between his brows with my finger. “I don’t want to talk about her anymore.” I trace his lips lightly before lifting my head up. He meets me halfway for a tender kiss.

Pulling back, he looks down at me, running his fingers over my temple. “We can do whatever you want, baby. The day is yours.”

I turn my head to kiss the inside of his wrist before rolling over and snuggling against his leg. He lets out a soft chuckle as his fingers find my hair.

The rest of the day goes by in a blur.

When I wake up the next afternoon, Shane isn't here. I stay in my bed curled up in a pathetic ball still feeling drained from Saturday.

Lily shows up after her two classes to find me in the same spot.

"Hey Jax, how do you feel about Mexican food for a late lunch? I'm starving and Noah is already there so he can pick us up some food and have it here in like fifteen minutes. What do you say? They have the best fajitas!" She bounces on the edge of my bed as she messes with her phone.

"I don't like peppers," my voice is raspy from not using it today.

"How about," she scrolls on her phone, "a vegetarian enchilada? Ooh, they have a fiesta dip with house made chips,” she says as she keeps scrolling. “Oh wait, they use beans in place of meat. Let’s see…”

I’m not all that hungry but she won’t leave unless I either get out of bed or eat, and right now, the thought of moving alone hurts too much. I close my eyes as she rambles off whatever food sounds good to her.

But the second I close my eyes, black ones stare back at me. I quickly reopen them as my heart beats loudly in my ears. I take a slow breath and glance over at Lily making sure she didn’t notice. She’s not talking anymore but her face is still in her phone.

Why am I like this? I just want to be normal.

“Okay!” she says, scaring the shit out of me. “Noah has placed our order. He said it’s dead so we should have deliciosa cocina Mexicana in no time!” She tucks her phone away in her purse then climbs under the covers with me.

Thankfully Shane made me put on pants last night since I was so cold. I’m also in his hoodie that’s two sizes too big but it smells like him and that does something to help me stay calm.

She’s next to me in Shane’s spot looking at me with a weird look on her face.

“What?”

“Are you taking your antidepressants?”

I roll my eyes and look up at the ceiling.

“Don’t give me that, Charlie. You know they help when you’re down. I can tell something happened and you staying in bed all day is a telltale sign that you’re on the verge of spiraling.”

She’s only seen two of my depressive episodes. The first one was me living in my bed for days and not talking but the second one was worse. I locked myself in my room and drowned my empty soul in alcohol. I don’t know how long it was but when I came to, I was in the hospital. Lily was the only one there. She said I almost killed myself and that I needed to get help.

But I’ve never wanted help.

The overwhelming sadness that digs its claws into my body so deep that I can’t breathe is just a part of me. No shrink can prescribe anything to make it go away. No one can save me from my own mind, not even me.

“You’re in your head and ignoring me. Where are they?” She sits up but I grab her arm and pull her back.

“I don’t need them. They don’t work.”

“Charlie-”

“No,” I cut her off. “They make it impossible to fall asleep and they fuck with my stomach. I always feel confused and lost which spikes my anxiety. And…” I stop myself before sharing the most embarrassing side effect.

“And?” she raises her brows.

Fuck it, she’ll keep pushing until I answer so I’m better off just telling her.

I bite my lip and then blow out a breath, keeping my eyes on the ceiling. “I can’t get hard when I’m on them,” I whisper.

“Well, we can’t have that with Mr. Sexy walking around,” she chuckles to herself as my face warms.

“Don’t call him that,” I grumble. “But even if you take that out, I can’t go back to not sleeping for days and then crashing for twenty-four hours. I have to be able to concentrate on my work so I can get out of here and as far away from them as I can.”

She nods, knowing my need to escape my father’s iron grip.

“Okay, but there has to be other options out there to help. Have you talked to Shane about it? Maybe if you talk to him about how you’re feeling, you won’t feel so alone.”

If only I knew how to talk about the voices in my head without sounding crazy enough to be shipped off to a mental hospital.

“I can ask a few of my friends who are studying medicine if they know of an alternate way to help. I know a few that are going to medical school after here for their MDs so they might have a few suggestions. It can’t hurt to ask, right?” She nudges her shoulder against mine.

I nod even though I don’t want to. Lily has a lot of friends here so the chances of them knowing she’s asking for me is very slim but it’s still embarrassing.

“So, how’s it going with our hockey star? I saw the amount of food in your fridge so that’s a plus. He drives a really big truck. Like really big,” she stretches the word out, widening her eyes. “Tell me, Jax. How big is the gear shifter?” She holds up her hands about six inches apart. “No, it’s got to be longer than this for his hand to fit around it.” She spreads them further as her smile gets bigger.

I slap her hands with a huff. “Stop. I’m not telling you anything that involves what’s below my boyfriend’s waist.”

She laughs as Noah walks into my room. He stops when he sees us, looking from Lily to me and back.

“I have the food,” he grumbles before turning around and walking away.

“What’s up with him?” I ask as I slowly climb from my bed.

She shrugs and wraps her arm around my waist. “Don’t know. He was fine earlier. He probably struck out with one of the bimbos on the cheer squad,” she chuckles as we make our way to where he’s sitting in the living room.

I take my spot in the corner and curl up with a few blankets as they sort through the food. Lily hands me a warm quesadilla and a small tray of nachos. I pick at the corner of the quesadilla where the cheese melted out as Noah turns on the TV and searches for something to watch, landing on The Hunger Games.

I pull out my phone and stare down at the text Shane sent a little while ago.

Blue: Good morning beautiful. I won’t be able to make it to your place for lunch. I have a meeting with Coach Q then strength training right after. But I ran into Lily and she said she’ll come over after her last class. I’ll wait for you after your evening class and walk you home for dinner :) See you later baby blue heart emoji

I stare at my phone until the screen goes black.

He’s too good for you.

You’ve done nothing but cause him stress.

You’re going to cost him his spot on an NHL team!

I scrub a hand over my face as I put my phone back in my pocket.

“Aren’t you going to eat?” Lily asks as she pops a chip covered in cheese into her mouth.

I look at her as I take a big bite of the quesadilla and smile. She lifts a brow at me as I hand her the nachos back. “I don’t like the cheese sauce,” I say as I finish chewing. Rolling her eyes, she takes it and hands it to Noah who has two empty takeaway containers on his lap and doesn’t hesitate to finish off the nachos.

Lily shifts, and I see concern in her bright cerulean eyes. I hate seeing that look so I look down and take another small bite of the quesadilla. She lets out a puff of air and stands.

I peek up and watch her walk into the bathroom and close the door behind her. I close my eyes and tilt my head back, resting it on the cushion.

I just want to be alone.

Noah moves around on the opposite side of the couch and then kicks my leg. I turn my head to look at him, keeping the back of my head on the cushion.

“What the fuck dude? I’ve had to listen to her worry about you since Shane asked her to come over this morning. We were supposed to hang out after class but instead, we’re sitting here, watching you wallow in self-pity or some shit.” He shakes his head at me. “I don’t want to see her freak out over you anymore, especially over something as simple as getting out of bed.” He looks over at the closed bathroom door and then back at me. He leans over and drops his voice to a whisper. “I know only we’re friends because of Lily but I’m trying to get with her and you being all,” he waves a hand up and down toward me, “is fucking everything up. Snap out of it, dude! Take some pills to make you not so fucking depressing to be around and get back to your life. Lily has shit to do for her classes and instead of concentrating on it, she’s here, taking care of your miserable ass.”

Glancing over his shoulder again, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a clear bag filled with smaller baggies. He fishes out a joint, puts it in his mouth, lights it, and hands it to me.

The pungent skunky smell curls around me as I take a hit. I close my eyes and hold it in my lungs for as long as I can. When I can’t hold it in any longer, I slowly release the smoke, enjoying the fuzzy feeling.

“Here. This will help too.”

I open one eye and see him holding out a small green…piece of candy? I take it from him and bring it up to my face, trying to figure out what it is. It looks like a big Smartie with a smiley face on it.

He tucks the rest away before nodding to my hand. “Molly. Take that when you’re ready to get shit done. You’ll be energized and in a significantly better mood.”

I take another pull from the joint as I imagine what it’ll feel like to not feel like this. I bet it’ll shut the voices up and I’ll be able to do more than lay around.

Maybe he will disappear from my mind.

I nod as the bathroom door opens. I quickly stuff the pill in my pocket as Lily steps into the room. She scrunches her nose at the smell as she sits back down between me and Noah.

“That shit stinks,” she waves a hand in front of her to clear the smoke. She faces me looking…nervous? I lift a brow, waiting. She looks over her shoulder at Noah and then back to me. “I found your antidepressants and I think you should start taking them again.” She holds out a pill bottle. “I’ll still ask my friends about alternate ways to help but you need to start taking these.”

I stare at the bottle in her hands as I take another hit.

“Charlie, they help more than you realize. Please take them.” She grabs my hand and places the bottle in my palm and closes my fingers around it. “Please Jax,” she whispers. “I don’t want you to get that low again.” She lifts my hand holding the bottle to her lips and kisses my knuckles.

I nod subtly and finish the last bit of the joint. She turns to Noah and says something. I spin the roach between my thumb and index finger, watching ash fall onto my lap as my fingertips turn gray.

She knows about the other pills now.

The two people I care about the most in this world now know how fucked up I really am.

I put the remaining end of the joint on the end table and turn the orange bottle in my hand until the label comes into view. Duloxetine. I pop open the top and dump out a blue and green pill into my palm. I don’t even know if these are the right pills for this bottle.

Lily takes it from my palm and holds it up to my mouth along with her bottle of water. I bite the inside of my cheek.

I really don’t want to take it.

“I looked this one up and it has fewer side effects than the other one. Plus, you have more of these so you can take them regularly for your body to adjust to it.”

I look over Lily’s shoulder and see Noah with wide eyes, nodding for me to take it. I look back at Lily’s piercing blue eyes and soft smile.

I slowly part my lips. She places the pill on my tongue and then hands me her water. I quickly swallow it down so I don’t have to think about it anymore.

She sets the bottle on the table and scoots closer to me until her knees are touching my leg.

“Thank you, Charlie. I promise it’ll help you feel better. From what I read, it can take a few weeks to fully start working so you have to take them every day, okay?”

“Yeah,” I say, defeated.

She squeezes my leg before standing up. Noah does the same as he collects the trash. “I need to meet up with some friends for a project at the library. Finish that,” she points to my half eaten quesadilla, “and get ready for your class. A tall handsome hockey player just might be waiting for you afterwards.” She winks as she spins away and skips to the kitchen.

“Bye, Jax. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Lily yells as I hear the door open and then close.

I run my fingers through my hair as I let out a long breath. The pill bottle falls to the floor, scattering little blue/green pills everywhere. I look down at them. Stupid things. They won’t work. Nothing ever works.

I lean back and curl into a ball, pulling the blankets over me. The weed wasn’t strong but it’s enough to make the bright colors Effie Trinket is wearing even brighter. I feel heavy as I watch the movie which is a lot funnier than I remember it being. I watch until my eyelids become too heavy to keep open, chuckling as Katniss drops a hive of tracker jackers on those assholes.