Page 27

Shane

I look down at the message Lily just sent me, not sure how I feel about it.

Feisty pants: I just left Charlie’s. He’s high and watching that movie with Catnip and Pita Bread. I found his antidepressants and a disturbing number of pill bottles in his bathroom. I flushed two bottles down the toilet. I didn’t know if the pills would make the toilet clog or else I would have done them all. BUT I did get him to agree to take the anti-d’s again. He looked worn out when we left so he’s most likely sleeping before his class.

I know she’s only trying to help but I’m not so sure flushing those pills without talking with him first was the right move. I rub a hand across my forehead, under the edge of my backward hat. Getting back on the antidepressants will hopefully help him not feel so down. I don’t know anyone who’s experienced depression, so I’m lost on how I can help him.

I pull up Google as I wait for Coach Q to call me into his office. I search for how to support someone with depression. The first three websites start the same: be patient and understanding, listen, stick to a treatment plan, and don’t give up on them.

I wish he’d talk to me about what causes his distress. I know that guy from the other night triggered something in Charlie which is why I found him like I did. I close my eyes as I remember how utterly broken he was. My sweet, beautiful boy is struggling so much. If I could take away a fraction of his pain, I would in a heartbeat.

“Hawkins,” Coach Q’s rough voice comes across the locker room. I pocket my phone and make my way to him.

“Coach,” I nod as I follow him into his office.

“Take a seat, Shane.” I sit in the large chair across from his desk as he sits in his leather chair. “I have two things to go over with you.” He pulls a paper from under his keyboard and hands it to me. It’s a list of NHL teams.

“What’s this for,” I ask as I scan the teams. The Florida Wildcats and Tampa Bay Thunder are at the top followed by the Chicago Blackbirds, Toronto Capitals, and the Nashville Tigers.

He clears his throat as he leans back in his chair. “Those are five teams that are scouting you this year. I have an idea of when each team will be here, but I’m not telling you those dates.”

“Figures,” I mumble making him chuckle.

“I will say that Tampa and Toronto will be here sometime this month. Three of the four games will be home, do with that information what you will.”

“Thanks. I’ll be sure to play at my best every game.” I hand him the paper back. “It’s kind of surreal having the team I cheered for growing up be interested in me.”

Coach Q smiles as he sits up. “It is and it’ll be even more so when you’re drafted by them. So don’t fuck it up.” He laughs, making me smile. He’s one of the best coaches I’ve ever had.

“Now, onto the next topic.” His smile drops as he squints at me, tilting his head. “I don’t like telling you boys what to do outside of hockey, but it has come to my attention that you haven’t been to any of the team dinners after the home games. Do you mind telling me why?” He rests his clasped hands on his desk as he waits for my answer.

Shit. How do I tell him I don’t trust Franklin Alexander because he gives me the creeps?

“I, uh, didn’t think the dinners were mandatory. I’ve kind of been seeing someone and wanted to spend the evenings with him since we don’t get that much time during the week.”

He smiles with tight lips. “While they aren’t mandatory, it does look bad when the whole team is accounted for except for the captain. I recognize the need to be with your-”

“Boyfriend,” I butt in.

“Right,” he continues with a half-smile, “your boyfriend, and that’s understandable at your age. But you have a responsibility as captain to be there for your team. Now, I’m not asking you to go to every dinner. Just make sure you attend the ones Mr. Alexander personally invites everyone to. He’s proud of this team and wants to spoil us with delicious food. What’s not to like,” he says, raising his hands and smiling.

I force a smile as I stand up. “I’ll do my best to make it to the next one.”

He stands and meets me by his door. “That’s all I ask. Have a good night, son.” He pats me on the back as I open the door.

“Oh, Shane,” he calls out as I’m halfway across the locker room.

“Yeah?”

He has a soft smile on his face. “Why don’t you bring your boyfriend along? I know I’ve seen Kingston and a few others bring their ladies a few times. Hell, I bring my wife when it’s close by. Bring him after the next home game.”

I can’t see that going over well. But I nod and wave to him as I head out of the locker room.

After strength training with the guys, I make my way towards Charlie’s art class on the other side of campus. It’s now dark out after five, and the chilly November air has me shivering as I turn my hat around and pull my hood up. I take a shortcut through the quad and watch as a few guys toss a glowing frisbee in the distance. I laugh as it goes sailing over one guy’s head and he just stands there, not even bothering to catch it.

I check my phone and see that I still have about twenty minutes before Charlie’s class ends so I turn towards Sip n’ Go. The delicious smell of warm coffee greets me as I open the door.

I stand in the short line and scan the menu on the blackboard for a drink Charlie might like. He hates coffee but will tolerate tea if it’s half sugar.

When I get to Katie at the register, I smile at her and order two chai lattes. One regular and one with four pumps of brown sugar syrup. Katie rolls her eyes as I hand her a ten.

“What’s wrong? Long day,” I ask as she gets my change.

She makes a weird snorting noise. “Nope. Just didn’t expect you to buy a hook-up a drink. You never bought me anything.”

She hands me my change as I smirk. I put the two dollars in the tip jar as I lean in.

“That’s because this is for my boyfriend. Not a quick fuck I don’t care to see again.”

Her face turns red as she purses her lips and folds her arms over her chest.

“Whatever,” she spins away, her blonde ponytail whipping her face.

I smile and walk to the other side to wait for my drinks. I grab them when they come out a few minutes later and head back out into the cold to wait for Charlie.

As the door opens and people start to filter out, I walk up to the bottom of the steps, waiting for my hooded boyfriend’s head to appear. I recognize a few people from his class as they walk past me, smiling and saying hi. I nod to them while keeping an eye out for Charlie. I stand there for a few more minutes, but he doesn’t come out.

I jog up the steps to see if he’s staying late to work on a project but as I get to the top step, the professor walks out. She startles at the sight of me. “Oh, hi Shane. How are you?” She turns and starts locking the doors.

Confused, I look back down the steps to make sure I didn’t somehow miss him.

“I’m good. Was Charlie in class tonight? I usually meet him after…” I look around again for him as she finishes locking up and turns to me.

“He wasn’t in class tonight, sorry. He’s further along than everyone else so maybe he’s working on something else? I’m not sure but if you see him, please let him know that his attendance is still required for my class.”

“Sure.” I’m still very confused.

“Good night, Shane,” she smiles and walks away.

Holding both cups in one hand, I pull out my phone. He hasn’t called or texted. I press call on his number as I head towards his townhouse.

He doesn’t answer as it goes to voicemail.

“Hey, baby. I was waiting for you after your class, but your professor said you didn’t come. I’m hoping since you didn’t answer that you’re either sleeping or lost in a project. I’ll be at your place in about ten minutes.” I hang up and pick up my pace as a gust of wind blows through my hoodie.

No Rolls-Royce or large man is waiting for me this time when I get to his building. I quickly enter the code and make my way up to his floor, and unlock his door using the key Lily gave me.

All the lights are off except for the glow coming from the TV in his living room. I quietly close and lock the door behind me before walking to where I hope he’s sleeping on the couch. I see a lump under a few blankets then spot the top of his head with his dark hair sticking out. I smile to myself as I set the drinks down on the coffee table and walk over to him.

I step on something that flattens under my foot. Squatting down to get a better look, I see multiple somethings all over the floor. I turn to the side to get some light from the TV and freeze when I see pills. My throat clicks as I swallow and look up at Charlie’s hidden body.

He wouldn’t.

With a shaking hand, I pull the blanket off his face. I hold my hand in front of his parted lips and hold my breath as I wait for his to hit my chilled hand.

I can’t feel anything, but I don’t know if he’s not breathing or if my hand is too cold to feel his soft breathing.

I grab his shoulder and gently shake him. “Charlie.” He doesn’t respond, making my heart rate double. I shake him harder and say his name louder as the backs of my eyes start to sting.

“Charlie!”

His eyes flutter open followed by a sleepy smile.

“Oh my God,” I sigh, pulling him into my arms. My heart is still thrashing against my rib cage as I hug him to me.

“I love your hugs but you're kind of hurting me,” his voice is muffled by my chest.

I pull away from him as he sucks in a breath then pull him back to me and kiss him. I pour my heart into the kiss. Kissing him with every single emotion I feel for him. A tear rolls down my cheek as the reality of what could have happened hits me.

Charlie pulls away and gently wipes the tear trail off my cheek.

“Why are you crying,” he asks as concern crosses his face.

I have to swallow a few times before I can trust my voice not to break. I cradle his beautiful face in my palms and go over every detail that’s already memorized in my brain. I smooth my thumbs over his sharp cheekbones and get lost in his eyes for a few moments.

“Shane?”

“I…I thought you…” I shake my head, refusing to say the words out loud. Instead, I reach over and grab a handful of the pills off the floor and hold them up.

He scrunches his brows still confused. “I don’t know…” He thinks for a second before it clicks. He quickly pushes the blankets off and sits up, grabbing my neck and pulling me to him. “I’m sorry. The bottle fell off my lap without the lid and I was too tired to pick them up. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” he rushes out.

I hold him to me as I convince my mind that he’s here and that he didn’t take too many pills. I run my hands up and down his back and through his hair. I’m not sure how long I stay here but soon my knees start screaming at me to get off them. I kiss the side of Charlie’s head as I slowly stand up.

He bends over and picks up the empty pill bottle, scooping some of the pills back into it. He stands up while twisting the cap on. He holds it for me to see but I have no idea what Duloxetine is.

“I don’t think I can overdose on antidepressants.” He shakes the bottle before setting it on the coffee table next to our drinks.

He picks up my hat that got knocked off at some point and replaces it backward on my head. He picks up the tea and takes a sip out of the one with his extra sugar as he hands me mine.

“Mmm,” he hums, licking his lips. He lifts onto the tips of his toes and kisses me before dropping back down and taking another sip. “Thank you.”

I hold out my hand for him. “You’re welcome.”

He takes my hand as we walk into the dark kitchen. I flip on the light and turn to him. “How would you feel if I asked you to stay with me for a little while?”

He bites the corner of his lip before looking up at me and nods.

“Okay.” A slow smile takes over his face.

I kiss the tip of his nose before taking his drink and setting it on the island.

“Go get whatever you need for the rest of the week.”

He looks down at the sweats and my hoodie that he’s wearing.

“Can I stay in this?”

“Of course, baby,” I say holding in a laugh. He can have all my hoodies if it means he’ll stay with me.

He nods and scurries to his room.

I go back into the living room, grab the pill bottle, and turn off the TV. Walking past the bathroom I stop when I see him looking at the wide-open cabinet behind the mirror. He picks up two empty bottles from the sink and places them back on the shelf. He straightens the labels, so they are all facing out then closes the cabinet. He keeps his head down as he walks back to his room, not even seeing me.

I follow him into his room and watch as he shoves underwear, socks, and pajama pants into a black bookbag. He picks up the sketchbook and pencils I gave him the night we went to the lake and adds them to his bag.

I glance over my shoulder at his art room and wonder if he’d want to bring some supplies. I walk to the closed door and I call out to him.

“Do you want me to grab anything from your art room?”

I turn the nob and push the door open, turning on the light as he yells out.

“NO!”

But it’s too late.

It’s a mess in here.

Chunks of dried clay are all over the floor, pencils are snapped in two scattered on his desk, and the drawing he did of me now has a big black X over it and yellow water marks on it with holes where my eyes were.

What the fuck?

“Wait,” Charlie says out of breath as he runs into the room.

“What happened,” I ask as I look around at the destruction.

He pushes the clay out of his way with his bare feet as he walks up to me and takes my hand.

“Nothing. It was my fault. I-I bumped into my table and it fell over.” He pulls on my hand leaning towards the door. “I don’t need anything from here. We can go now,” he says quickly as he tugs my hand.

But I’m not moving until he explains more. I don’t believe him about the sculpture, and I know he wouldn’t snap his expensive pencils. The heat kicks on in that moment, forcing a gust of warm air into the room and the unmistakable scent of piss hits my nose. I turn and see the drawing right next to the vent. I shake off Charlie’s hand and walk closer to it, the smell getting stronger. It becomes clear that the yellow stain is piss when I can’t get closer than a foot away.

That mother fucker!

I turn back to Charlie, but he’s backed up into the door frame looking down, hugging himself. I look back at the drawing and kick one of the legs of the easel, making the whole thing fall over.

I start toward Charlie but stop when I see the closet cracked open. I walk over and open it, expecting more damage. After moving a few things around, nothing looks broken. I spot the corner of the tiger painting and quickly pull it out.

I blow out a relieved breath when I see that it’s as perfect as the last time I saw it.

I tuck it under my arm and close the closet door.

Walking up to Charlie, I wrap an arm around his shoulders as we leave the room.

His face is buried in my chest with his arms around his middle.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers into my hoodie.

“Shh. There’s no need to apologize. I know you didn’t do any of that.” I lean back and tilt his chin up.

He has tears in the corners of his eyes and he’s chewing on his bottom lip. I gently pull it free and place a lingering kiss on his forehead.

I step back and pick up his bag that he dropped in the hall, sling it over my shoulder and wrap my arm back around his shoulders.

“Let’s get out of here.”