Page 33

Shane

S omething is going on with Charlie.

He didn’t say anything last night when I got home and didn’t want to eat dinner. When I asked if he was hurting, he let out a soft whimper but didn’t say anything. And then when I went back into my room after eating dinner with the guys, he was in the same spot.

It's now one pm the next day, and he’s still in bed. He’s awake, his good eye open but unseeing as he stares in front of him. I tried to get him to sit up and drink some water but he either didn’t hear me or ignored me. I even made his favorite sugar-overloaded cookies with Mthumbs up emoji

Feisty pants: That’s it? Just a thumbs up? No witty response?

Me: Not feeling it today

Feisty pants: eyeroll emoji I’ll be there in like ten minutes.

I peek into my room, checking that Charlie is still asleep. I watch him for a few minutes, wishing I could do more. I don’t even know what’s happening, but I can feel a heavy sadness surrounding him. I thought he was feeling better yesterday when he sat up for more than a couple of minutes and his eye was open for most of the morning. Now it seems like something as simple as speaking takes more effort than it should.

A sudden wave of anger hits me, my jaw tensing, fists clenching at my sides. I’m ready to hurt someone. I don’t care who it is. Someone needs to pay for doing this to Charlie. I’d throw my chance at getting into the NHL if it meant beating the absolute shit out of whoever did this.

Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath, and slowly let it out to calm myself. My hands have a slight tremor as I step away from my door.

I let the fury I just felt settle deep into my soul, where it’ll be waiting.

Lily shows up a few minutes later with a thick blanket I recognize from Charlie’s house along with a tote bag filled with his art supplies.

I follow her into my room and lean against my desk, watching her as she sets them at the foot of my bed and then whispers something into Charlie’s ear.

He lets out a soft grunt when she suddenly pulls the blanket off him.

“Up, Jax. You need to move so you don’t get stuck in this position.” Her tone leaves no room for debate.

Charlie curls into a tight ball.

“No,” he mumbles hoarsely.

Lily lets out a short puff of air through her nose, putting her hands on her hips.

“I’m not afraid to get physical with you. I’ll drag your ass out of bed every day if I have to. Now come on, I have your art stuff and your favorite blanket from home but I’m not giving them to you until you’ve walked away from this bed.”

Charlie doesn’t move.

Looking back at me, Lily tilts her head for me to come closer. I walk up next to her and see Charlie shaking. I fight with myself not to grab the blanket and cover him back up. I don’t want him scared or cold but a part of me really wants him to listen to her.

Lily pulls on my shirt until I’m bent over, her lips close to my ear.

“We’re going to have to work together on this. I’ll move his legs and get his feet on the floor while you lift his upper half so he’s sitting.”

Nodding, I lean down and position my hands under his arms. When Lily pulls his legs straight, I roll him to his back. He lets out a low groan but doesn’t try to stop us. I glance over at Lily, and we nod at the same time, moving Charlie into a sitting position on the edge of my bed. His head lulls to the side, his left eye peeking open.

“Come on baby. Let’s get you to the bathroom.” I kiss the top of his head before pulling him to his feet.

He sways and tries to sit back down. But I pull him against my chest to keep him standing.

“I’ve got you. Lean against me and follow my steps,” I say into his messy hair.

With his forehead against my sternum and my arms holding him up, I slowly walk backward into my bathroom. Lily turns on the light and lifts the toilet lid before disappearing back into my room.

Stepping up to the toilet, I turn him around and pull his pants down just far enough for him to piss. He sways again so I wrap my arms around him from behind and hug him to me. His head falls forward and I can see his good eye looking down at himself.

“You’re good. Go ahead and let it out.” I kiss the side of his neck.

He stalls for a second but then relieves himself. When he’s finished, I pull his pants back up and turn him to face me. He looks at my chest then closes his eye and leans forward. I wrap my arms around him, hugging him to me. My heart breaks at the sound of his whimper.

“You’re okay, baby. I’ve got you. Always.”

His legs give out causing me to hold him tighter which makes him whimper again.

“Shh, I’m sorry.” I kiss the top of his head before bending down and picking him up. He wraps his legs around my waist but keeps his arms hanging at his sides as I go back to my room.

Lily looks up from her phone and shakes her head at me. “You know that defeats the purpose of getting him up and moving, right?”

I ignore her as I gently lay him down and cover him with my blanket, then his. He looks up at me for a second then closes his eye and pulls the blankets over his head.

I watch him for a second before turning around and pulling Lily out of my room with me. I let go of her arm as I walk to the kitchen, grabbing a water bottle from the fridge. The frustration from everything that’s happened over the last two days is bubbling to the surface.

Lily raises her eyebrow at me and crosses her arms over her chest. “You can’t keep babying him. All that’s going to do is show him that you’ll do the work for him when he’s the one that needs to move on his own. How’s he supposed to get better if he’s always leaning on you?”

I scoff and take another sip of water.

How can she not see how much him hurting, hurts me? I can’t just stand there and watch him struggle. It’s not who I am. What’s so wrong with wanting to help? Plus, he did walk to the bathroom mostly on his own. I’d take that as a small victory over him not getting up at all.

“Are you not going to say anything,” she huffs.

When I bite my tongue to keep from snapping at her, she rolls her eyes and walks to the front door.

She stops as she reaches the door and turns back to me. “Fine but I’ve seen him like this before and if you keep letting him do whatever he wants, don’t come crying to me in two weeks when he’s so depressed that he won’t even open his eyes.” Her voice gets louder with every word. “Or when he gets a random burst of energy and uses it to barricade himself in that room and lets his dark thoughts win!” She points to my room, breathing hard.

I clench my jaw as she storms out, slamming the door behind her.

She’s crazy if she thinks I’m just going to sit around and watch him get lost in the darkness in his head.

He stays curled up under the blankets for the rest of the day while I do homework. I uncover him around six and try to get him up again, but he growls at me, covering his head.

Blowing out a defeated breath, I set the bag with his art supplies next to him on the nightstand.

“Your art stuff is right here. I’m stepping out for a bit. Please try sitting up.” I watch as he doesn’t say or do anything.

Biting the inside of my cheek, I walk out of my room, closing the door just hard enough so he knows it’s closed. I hope he uses his art to express whatever is going on in his head.

I’m startled when I turn and find three sets of eyes watching me from the living room. They give me sympathetic looks as I sit down on the couch.

“Have you guys eaten? We picked up a few pizzas on our way back.” Matt points to the kitchen.

I shake my head.

‘Has he been up at all,’ Asher signs.

“Just once to go to the bathroom. He’s been hiding under the covers for most of the day.”

They nod, looking sad.

“Well,” Ryder says from his chair, “Benji was no help. He swore up and down that he didn’t know who did that to Charlie and that he didn’t even know he was hurt.” He rolls his eyes. “When I asked him why he didn’t check up on him when they didn’t ride back together, he shrugged and said he thought one of their drivers brought him back because Charlie didn’t want to wait for him. Fucking idiot.” He shakes his head, clenching his jaw. “When I told him how messed up Charlie is, he didn’t even look concerned. Just said that we’re wasting our time on someone who doesn’t want help and that he’ll drag all of us down with his ‘fake mental problems’. He even did air quotes like he doesn’t believe Charlie’s mental health is real.”

I can feel the anger coming off him.

“Matt had to hold me back from pummeling his face. Then the fucker laughed. Laughed! If Matt didn’t pull me away and had Ash not stepped between me and that fucking asshole, I would have a broken hand right now.” He’s seething, fists bunched on his thighs.

I look over to Matt and then Asher, both equally as pissed. I feel the same, thankful these guys have my back.

“Thanks for doing this. I still don’t believe he didn’t have a part in what happened though. He might not have physically hurt Charlie but the way he reacted tells me he did something else to get in his head. Charlie feels deeper than most and he holds onto everything, blaming himself even if he’s the one that got hurt.” My eyes start to sting. Blinking rapidly, I clear my throat. “I hope he’s not blaming himself right now.”

Matt grabs my knee and looks me in the eye. “You’re his safe space. His body needs to heal, and he knows you’re here to protect him so he’s probably sleeping a lot because he doesn’t have to worry about anything right now.”

I smile at him in thanks.

“I give him until Tuesday then I bet he’ll be up and moving around again,” Matt grins.

I hope so.

Charlie got up once on Monday and had half of a sandwich before he laid back down for the rest of the day.

He only took a few sips of water on Tuesday before telling me no more.

I got him to sit up on Wednesday and he dragged his feet as I helped him to the bathroom. I planned on taking a shower with him but by the time we made it to the bathroom, he was shaking from the effort. After he pissed and I carried him back to bed, he told me to go away before covering himself under the blankets.

I had to plead with him on Thursday to drink some water and take a few bites of toast. It took fifteen minutes for him to eat half before he rolled over, claiming he was tired.

It’s Friday and we have an away game that’s about two hours away. I need to leave for the bus in an hour, but I need Charlie to get up before I leave.

My sheets smell horrid from Charlie’s sweat and musk over the past week. He hasn’t let me get him close to the shower without his legs giving out. But I can’t take the smell anymore.

I have the tub filled with warm water scented with eucalyptus and lavender. Walking to the edge of my bed, I breathe through my mouth as I pull the blankets off his curled-up body. The smell is so pungent that I have to take a step back to gather myself.

Damn, that’s ripe.

Charlie, of course, doesn’t move. Stepping back over to him, I peel his boxer briefs off then bend down to pick him up and bring him to the bathroom. His eyes open into slits when I lower him into the tub. I place a rolled-up towel under his neck and then guide him to lean back. He settles quickly, closing his eyes and letting out a ragged breath.

I let him soak for a few minutes as I looked him over. The bruises on his torso are still purple in the middle but they are starting to get that sickly yellow hue on the outside. I checked his back earlier and was pleased to see the cuts healing nicely. The fingerprints that were on his throat are mostly gone and his eye is less puffy. The cut on his eyebrow is almost healed and the one along his hairline is still red but healing.

While he relaxes and soaks, I get to work washing from his feet to his hair. He doesn’t open his eyes the entire time.

I get Charlie out, wrap a towel around him, and carry him back to my bed. After helping him into a clean pair of boxer briefs, I sit behind him and comb out the knots in his hair. He sways a few times but otherwise sits hunched over.

I swap the comb for the water bottle when his hair is free of knots and watch as he takes a few sips. When he’s finished, I shift around so I’m next to him. He leans into my side, so I wrap my arm around him.

“I don’t know what’s going on in that beautiful head but always remember that I love you. Nothing you say or do will ever change that.”

I kiss the top of his wet head, feeling him become heavier against my side. I lean him back a little on my arm and see that he’s asleep. I kiss his rough lips and slide off the bed, moving him so his head is on the pillow. I cover him with my throw blanket since it’s the only one to survive the stink and kiss his warm, soft cheek.

Ryder walks in with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a sleeve of crackers. He sets it next to Charlie and then taps his wrist. I nod to him before he steps back out.

I fight with myself to move. My mind knows I only have a few minutes before I have to leave but my feet won’t move from their spot next to my bed. I’ve been able to stay within twenty minutes of him all week thanks to everyone working together to always have someone here. But now I’ll be over two hours away and I don’t like the pit in my stomach from knowing I can’t be here if he needs me. I know Lily will take care of anything he’ll need, but it still hurts having to leave him for so long.

Someone clears their throat by the door. I glance over and see Lily standing in the doorway with her arms crossed.

Letting out a slow breath, I take one last look at my sleeping boy. He looks so peaceful. I give him one last kiss and force myself to leave my room.

“I told you this was going to happen.”

I stop and turn to face her. “I don’t know what you want me to do. I’ve been trying to get him to eat and drink every fucking day.” I take a few steps back to keep the distance between us. “But I refuse to shove food and water down his throat if he won’t eat. Something tells me that’ll do more harm than good.” I bend down and pick up my hockey bag, slinging it over my shoulder. “If he doesn’t have the energy to eat, how the hell do you expect him to be able to walk? And yes, I’ve been trying. He makes it to the bathroom but can’t make it back. What do you expect me to do? Just let him lie on the floor? Over my fucking dead body.”

Ryder meets me at the door with his hockey bag.

Looking back at Lily I can see remorse slowly taking over.

“I didn’t want him falling into another depressive episode. I know once the depression sets in, it’s hard to get him out of it. I thought you’d be able to help him this time.” She looks down at her feet. “Sorry if I came off as a bitch. He’s my best friend and I can’t lose him.” She looks back up at us with watery eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Ryder drops his bag and walks over to her, wrapping her in his arms. He whispers something to her, but I’ve already turned around, walking out the door. I can see where she’s coming from, but she didn’t have to make me feel like shit all week when I was trying my hardest to help Charlie. I’ll forgive her, just not right now.

Ryder catches up as I’m waiting for the elevator. “I’ll talk to her. She’s a good person. She just went about this the wrong way.”

I nod stepping into the elevator. He follows and knows me enough to know I need a minute. We walk out of the building and head to my truck where Ash and Matt are already waiting for us.

“How are we feeling today? Any changes,” Matt asks as we climb in.

“Shane gave him a much needed bath while I switched out the sheets,” Ryder says from next to me.

Not wanting to discuss this anymore, I turn on my favorite early two-thousands rock radio station. Turning it up when The Diary of Jane by Breaking Benjamin comes on. I let the bass drown out any more conversation.

Everything is a blur as we check our gear and load the bus. I sit in my usual spot in the back, between the window and…Asher?

I left my brow in question. He types on his phone since it’s in his hands.

‘You looked like you needed to be alone. I figured I was a better choice than Ryder since he’s been talking nonstop. He can talk Matt’s ear off instead of yours.’

I hadn’t even noticed. I glance past Ash and see Matt shooting daggers at the side of Asher’s head. I look back at Asher and I can tell he knows what Matt is doing. He shrugs then types again.

‘Do you want to talk about it? It’ll be better to get it off your chest now than risk it messing up your playing later.’

I shake my head. “Thanks, but I need to just not think for a while. I’ll let you know if I need to talk.”

Nodding he puts his earbuds in and leans back, closing his eyes.

I do the same, listening to my rock mix.

It doesn’t do the trick like it usually does. I keep thinking of how frail and sad Charlie has gotten. He seems to sink further and further into the mattress with each passing day, and it kills me that I can’t do more for him.

Hopefully Lily can get him to talk or maybe even draw for a little while. Anything to help bring him back.

Not wanting to drown in things I can’t control right now, I pull up the group chat I have with my sisters.

Me: I’m heading to a game 2 hours away. Distract me!

Lizard: Where are you heading?

Me: Just north of Milwaukee

Becs: Take a nap. Isn’t that a pre-game thing? A superstition or something?

Lizard: I don’t think he’s supposed to talk about superstitions.

Me: It’s not a superstition, just part of my pregame schedule.

Me: I have too much on my mind to sleep

Becs: He still not talking :(

Lizard: One of my friends’ sisters has depression and she said it’s different for everyone. And that each time she shut down, it took different methods to get her back. She said that sometimes you can’t do anything and that the only thing you can do is be there for when the clouds clear.

Me: I can’t help feeling like I could be doing more.

Lizard: That’s because you’re a caregiver. You’ve always been there when we got sick. Checking on us constantly to make sure we had everything.

Becs: And you always fussed over us until we got better. It’s just who you are. You take care of the ones you hold closest to your heart.

They’re right. I even took care of our mom anytime she got sick, even though she told me to go be a kid and to stop worrying about her. But my mind wouldn’t let me.

Lizard: I’ve got to get back to work. Love you both! Good luck at your game!

Becs: Not to leave you hanging but I’ve got to start getting ready. Brady got us tickets to see Billie Eilish!! It’s like 3 hours north so we’re making a day of it!

Me: Lucky! Have fun. Tell Brady I said hi.

Becs: Thanks! And I will. Don’t forget I’m only a phone call away if you need to talk.

Me: I know. TTYL

I switch over to my texts with Lily

Me: How’s he doing?

Feisty Pants: He’s still sleeping

I rub my hand across my mouth and I stare out of the window, watching the trees fly by in a blur. I let the rock music in my ears take over any more thinking. I turn my hat forward facing, pulling it low over my eyes, and lean against the cool window.