Page 12

Charlie

“I ’ll get it. It’s probably the pizza.”

I keep my eyes closed with my head against the wall and drop my hands to the floor beside my hips.

I’m hard. It’s the first time I’ve been able to get fully erect in over a year.

I don’t know what made me keep touching Shane. His skin was so warm that I couldn’t bring myself to remove my hands. When I heard his breath hitch the second my palms touched his nipples, my dick woke up. Then he started breathing heavy which made it jump. And after tracing those firm abs and sexy as hell Adonis belt, I’ve never been harder.

The way I’m sitting with my knees up is hiding the evidence of my arousal. I have no idea how I’m supposed to get rid of it without him seeing.

Shane walks by with a delicious-smelling pizza. I don’t even know the last time I had pizza. I hear him set it on the table and then walk back over to me.

“Pizza’s here. Want a hand up?”

I peek open one eye as he smiles down at me. I look at his crotch but don’t see a bulge. I thought he was enjoying me touching him as much as I did. He didn’t stop me.

He does, however, catch me staring at his waist. He laughs a short laugh, then raises the bottom of his shirt, showing me the large lump tucked in his waistband.

“Didn’t want to traumatize the delivery guy.” He winks.

Oh.

“Come on let’s eat. I’m starving.” He reaches down this time and takes my hands, pulling me up to my feet with little effort. Keeping his hand in mine, we walk to the table.

He pulls out a chair and motions for me to sit in it.

Why is he being so nice? No one has ever pulled out a chair for me. I don’t know what to make of it.

I take a seat as he sits next to me.

“Inside or outside,” he asks as he opens the pizza box.

“Doesn’t matter.”

He grabs two inside pieces and two outside pieces and places them on a paper plate that must have come with the pizza because I sure as hell never buy those.

He holds up a bottle of water and a can of Sprite. I point to the Sprite, and instead of handing it over, he pops the top open and then sets it down by my plate.

I stare at it, dripping condensation on the table. I don’t understand.

Is this supposed to happen in a friendship? Am I supposed to do the same for him? Does he want more from me?

He’s just being nice, you dumbass.

Accept that you’ve been treated like trash your whole life.

He’s only being nice because he wants to get in your ass.

All that grease is a sure-fire way to mess with your stomach.

He’ll make you douche for hours.

SHUT UP!!

I close my eyes and push on the sides of my head until a dull ache forms, silencing the voices.

When I open my eyes and lower my hands, Shane looks concerned. He takes my hand closest to his and gives it a firm, reassuring squeeze. He keeps my hand in his as he picks up a slice of pizza.

“This is really good. You should try it. The owners are an older couple from Sicily that make everything from scratch using the freshest ingredients,” he says right before he takes a massive bite of the rather thick-looking crust. He washes it down with his water and continues. “Seriously, try it! One of the owners, Elio, saw me one day when I first moved up here for training camp. He came out from the kitchen and asked if I played any sports. I said I played hockey for Gannon U and that I had just moved here. He looked me over from head to toe and declared that I’d never survive ‘Skate Wars’ because of how skinny I was. Mind you, I wasn’t all that much smaller than I am now,” he chuckles, pushing my plate closer to me.

He finishes his last slice as I take a bite from my first. “It’s good right?”

The cheese settles in my stomach, but I ignore it and take another bite. Acidic tomato hits my taste buds first. It’s quickly muted by something sweet. The crust is soft and airy, with a slight crunch on the bottom. I have nothing to compare it to, but it’s not bad.

“So?” He shakes my hand that’s still in his on the table. I nod as I wash down the bite with a sip of Sprite.

“It’s good,” I say softly, looking over at him. He has a goofy smile that somehow makes his eyes brighter. His bright white teeth are also on display, adding to how attractive he is.

“Are you finished?” he asks when I don’t pick up another slice. “I’ll pack this up in a freezer bag and put it in your fridge for later.” He gets up when I nod and takes the pizza box into the kitchen.

I don’t have freezer bags.

I quickly follow, gathering the garbage from the table on my way. He’s set the pizza box on the island and is opening all the drawers and cabinets. I dump the trash and make my way between him and the counter. He doesn’t step back so when he brings his arm down from looking up in a cabinet, he runs his fingertips down the length of my arm. Goosebumps break out from my shoulder down to my wrist.

“You can leave it in the box. I’m sure it’ll fit in the fridge. Or you can leave it right there so you don’t forget it when you leave.”

It should be illegal for him to smell this good. It’s not his body wash anymore. No. It’s the irresistible smell of his deodorant. I used a little this morning and I might have spent an embarrassing amount of time sniffing it. And it’s not one of those super strong overbearing manly scents either. It’s fresh and clean and so. Damn. Delicious.

“Did you just smell me?”

When did I close my eyes? I open them and notice how close my nose is to his armpit.

I turn away from him and hide my heated face.

Fucking idiot.

The heat from his chest warms my back as he steps up behind me. “I didn’t say I didn’t like it or that you had to stop.” He places his hands on my hips and nuzzles the side of my neck. He takes a deep breath through his nose. “I like that you smell like me.” He softly kisses my neck and steps back.

He's being too nice.

Shaking that thought away, I turn around to face him and reach for his hand with my shaking one. Only a few people have seen my art room. It’s not a secret that I’m an art major but I only like showing people my completed work. This room is full of work in various stages of completion. But he shared a few parts of himself today that I’ve never gotten from anyone else.

“I converted the other bedroom into my art room of sorts. I…only Lily has been in it. It’s my safe space. And I want to show you, too.”

Shit, what if he doesn’t care about art?

You’re so fucking stupid.

Nobody cares about your childish art.

You’re wasting his fucking time.

“I’d love to see it, Charlie.” He squeezes my hand and smiles.

With his hand in mine, I open the door and flip on the light, stepping to the side. He stands there for a second before he walks to the tiger painting that’s almost finished.

“You painted this?” he says in awe. He gets close but doesn’t touch the canvas as he traces the swirls on the right side of the tiger. “This is stunning. I love all the bright colors with the black outline. Is there a story behind why you painted it like this?”

I walk up next to him as he keeps tracing the black lines. “The left side is anatomically correct and how the world sees the tiger. The right side is what’s going on inside the tiger, how he sees himself. I used neon colors to show how bright his light is on the inside. While on the left the realistic colors look dull compared to the right. The contrast in colors makes you think about which side you like best. The beauty in the realistic tiger or the vibrancy that’s trapped within.”

“I think he’s beautiful inside and out. The beauty of what’s on the inside can easily join the beauty on the outside. There doesn’t have to be a this or that. That tiger is one and he’s perfect the way he is.”

I have no idea if he’s talking about the tiger or me. The way he just said all of that without breaking eye contact has me believing it’s the latter. He walks to my sculpture of him next.

Damn, I forgot that was still out.

He tilts his head to the right, then the left. He squints and gets close, walking around it.

“Hold on one second,” he says as he leaves the room.

He knows that’s him, right?

I mean I still have to add the finer details but it’s clearly him.

“Got it.” He walks back in and squats down so he’s level with the sculpted head. Then pulls out his hat, puts it on backwards, and smiles exactly like the sculpture.

It’s a perfect replica.

“Which one are you more attracted to? Clay me that doesn’t make you laugh or real me that’ll do anything to see you smile?” He stands up still smiling and walks in front of me. “You are an insanely talented artist, Charlie.”

“Thanks.” Heat creeps up my neck.

“That was a real question, by the way. I’ll need an answer before I leave,” he says over his shoulder as he walks to my desk. He picks up the sketchbook that he had returned to me and flips through it. There’s nothing new in it. My new one came in, so I’ve been using that. He stops on a page and turns it around to show me. It’s the one he signed, making it unusable for my portfolio.

“I see you haven’t looked through this since I returned it…with my number in it. Question though. Why aren’t I in the center? I am the captain, and I scored two goals in that game. I think Alexander got an assist. You got something for the speedy forwards instead of a strong defenseman?” He flexes his arm, and goddamn his bicep is huge.

“Yeah, umm, Alexander is my last name too. Benji is my twin brother, and I have no idea what a forward is, but I assure you, I am not into my brother,” I laugh awkwardly.

“He’s your twin? Why hasn’t he said anything? I’ve known him for over three years and all he’s ever said was that he has a brother but that was it. He made it sound like he was younger. We recently had a sibling’s day where they came out for a practice, then we went out for dinner.”

I’m not surprised that Benji either forgot to tell me or just didn’t bother at all. All those new people would’ve resulted in an anxiety attack before I even left my house and Benji doesn’t have the patience to deal with me when I get like that.

“Shit, I’m sorry, Charlie. I didn’t mean to shove that in your face. It’s just weird that he’s never mentioned that he’s a twin and that you go to the same school.” He looks down at the drawing and then back up at me. “I don’t see it. I know he’s physically bigger than you, being a hockey player but…”

“We share the same hair color and freckles. If I grew a few inches, had longer hair, and muscles, we’d look more alike.”

“More like he has an ego the size of his head.” His eyes go big. “Shit, that was rude, sorry,” he rushes out.

“It’s true so there’s no need to apologize.” We both laugh. “You know with you signing that, I can no longer use it in my fall portfolio. Good thing I already had that tiger started.” I cross my arms shaking my head in fake disappointment.

“Well, beautiful,” he steps up to me, “give me two years and that signature will be worth thousands.” He bends down to whisper in my ear before nipping my ear lobe and pulling as he steps away.

And I’m back to being hard again. There’s something about Shane that has my whole body waking up. He grabs my hand and leads me out of the room, turning off the light as we pass.

“So before, when we were talking about Avatar and Pandora, I know there’s a lot more to it. I’ve just never had the time to sit and watch them. So…” He walks to my bedroom door and stops. “I was wondering if you’d like to show me this amazing Pandora world that you’re so passionate about?”

I feel my cheeks heat.

“There’s no need to be embarrassed Charlie. These movies are popular for a reason, right? Show me why you love them.” He holds the side of my face. “Is it ok if we watch it in your room? No offense but that couch is not very comfortable, and I still need to be able to function and play hockey,” he chuckles.

I don’t know what state my room is in, and I don’t want him to think I can’t take care of myself any more than he probably already does.

“We can, but can you wait out here for a few minutes?”

“Yeah, of course. Is this the bathroom?” He points to the door next to my room.

“Yeah.”

“Take your time, beautiful.” He leans down and kisses the top of my head, then heads to the bathroom.

Quickly opening my door, I shut it behind me, and lean against it. My heart is going crazy. Why is he so sweet? This can’t be real.

He doesn’t care about those childish movies.

He’s going to go to practice and tell all the guys that Benji’s wimpy brother watches baby movies.

Father will find out about Shane.

No. No. No.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!

I yank on my hair as hard as I can until my scalp starts burning.

Fuck, why am I like this?

Scrubbing my hands over my face, I take as deep a breath as I can. Looking around at my room, it’s not too messy. I quickly pick up the empty bottles of pop and throw them away. I shove the two bags of stale chips under my bed along with the dirty clothes. I have no idea what to do with all my blankets though. There’s no room in the closet and I already filled up the space under my bed. Deciding he wouldn’t care, I toss an armful in front of the closet and leave four on my bed. That’s good enough for me.

I hurry over to the door that connects to the only bathroom. I turn the handle and slowly open it in case Shane doesn’t realize I have access from my room. It’s empty. I rush over to the main door, locking it. Walking up to the sink, I open the cabinet and grab the bottles of Valium and Ambien. I need Ambien to sleep but I need Valium to control this anxiety.

Just take them both, nothing will happen.

Good way to not wake up tomorrow.

Shane is here you dumbass, you can’t mix pills now.

My hands start shaking when I try to open the Valium.

Fucking bottle. I throw it at the wall, but it still doesn’t open. I grab the Ambien and open it on the second try. Sleep it is. I swallow two of them before picking up the Valium and putting it away. I’m still anxious as hell and these voices are only going to get louder and louder.

I reach for my baggie with the razor and weed.

Fuck.

I didn’t call Pete. He has the shit that’ll last me at least three weeks. I smoked my last joint a few days ago which means I can’t burn the pain away from my legs after I cut.

A knock on my bedroom door scares the shit out of me, making my heartbeat even faster.

“You okay in there?”

I move to the door by my room. “Y-yeah, I’m almost finished.”

I hear him chuckle. “Charlie, I don’t care what your room looks like. I live with Ryder, remember? His room is a hazard zone.”

I can’t keep him waiting.

“Just a sec,” I call out as I go back into the bathroom. I don’t have time to cut before he knocks again but I need something. I open the cabinet again and grab the Xanax. This shit lasts forever, and I’ll be feeling good in no time.

You already took two Ambien, don’t do this to Shane. It’s not his fault you’re a fuck up.

Damn it!

I put it back and closed the cabinet harder than necessary.

“Charlie?” Shane’s voice comes from the other side of the main bathroom door.

Rushing to my bedroom, I open the door and see Shane leaning with his ear to the bathroom door. He turns quickly when he hears me open it. “Oh, I thought I heard something in the bathroom.”

“You did. I was just in there. I have my own door in my room. I…I had to wash my hands.”

What the fuck? That’s the best you could come up with?

He gives me a weird look as he walks into my room. He looks around, not giving anything away, and walks up to my bed

“Do you want to go in first to be by the wall?”

My bed is pushed up against the far wall so I can keep my blankets from falling off. The TV is on the opposite side so we’ll have to lean against the wall to watch it.

“You can get in first.”

He takes his slides off and climbs on. “This is a thousand times softer than that brick out there.” He leans back against the headboard facing the closet then looks at me as I climb in next to him.

“My TV is over there.”

“Why is it over there and not in front of your bed? Do you use a laptop to watch movies?”

I shake my head. “That’s where it’s bolted to the wall, so I can’t move it. This setup isn’t so bad though, because when I lay down I can see the entire TV without straining my neck.”

He thinks about that for a second. “I guess that makes sense. So how are we going to watch the movies? Sitting up against the wall?” he asks as he shifts around. His legs are so long that his feet hang off the edge of my full-sized mattress.

I snicker as I get the first Avatar movie started. I turn off the light and climb into bed next to him. He drapes two blankets over our laps, leaving the other two off to the side. As the movie starts, he places his arm around my shoulders and pulls me until we’re connected. It feels right.

My head starts to get heavy before Jake even lands on Pandora. I put my head on Shane’s chest, right over the steady beat of his heart, and close my eyes. I fall asleep feeling safe and warm for the first time since I was a kid..