Page 16

Charlie

H e felt the scar. There’s no way he didn’t feel the others but that one was the deepest and is also the biggest. How do I explain how I got them?

You’re such a fucking idiot.

He’s going to find out.

You can’t hide them anymore.

He knows!

I shake the voices from my head as we pull up to Shane’s condo.The ride over was quiet. I was rude to him before we left my house. But I was stuck back there and then quickly snapped out of it with his hand on my back.

I need to apologize.

I turn to do so but he’s already out of his truck and walking to my side. I go to open the door, but he beats me to it, holding it open with his hand out to help me down.

“Thanks,” I say as he closes the door while keeping my hand in his. He smiles at me and tugs my hand as he starts walking.

“I’m sor-”

“I’ll just be-”

We both start talking at the same time.

He laughs. “Go ahead.”

“I want to apologize for how I ran out on you before we left. It was rude and I didn’t mean to ignore you.” My face starts to heat.

“It’s okay. I sensed something was troubling you and I was just trying to comfort you. Sorry if I overstepped.”

He opens the door for me, and we walk to the elevators.

I don’t know what to say so I give him a small appreciative smile and nod. After a quick ride up to his floor, we walk into his condo and stop when we hear sex noises coming from the living room.

As we slowly get closer to the sound, we find Ryder on the couch, balls deep in a brunette on her stomach moaning like a porn star with a busty blonde standing next to him kissing him while getting fingered.

I quickly avert my eyes to Shane who looks equal parts pissed and impressed with a raised brow. His arms are crossed over his chest as he shakes his head and walks up to them.

“You know your room is right there, right?” He points to Ryder’s door.

Ryder looks at Shane without pulling out of either girl and smiles. “We didn’t make it. Our clothes just fell off as we walked in, and we landed here.” He pulls his fingers from the blonde and sucks on them, winking at me over Shane’s shoulder.

“You’re paying to get this couch cleaned.” Shane turns to me shaking his head. He motions for me to follow him into his room. I close the door behind me and lean against it.

“I’ll just be a sec.” He pulls his shirt over his head as he walks to his dresser.

Do people really have sex out in the open like that?

“That’s just Ryder being Ryder. I’ve seen him naked outside of the locker room more times than I’d like to count. He’ll move all of that,” he makes a circle with his hand, “to his room now that I’m home.”

He drops his shorts and I’m hypnotized by his delicious round ass stretching the material of his red boxer briefs.

He grabs what he needs and then disappears into the closet.

“Do you want to borrow a pair of shorts? It’s hotter out there than I thought it would be for October,” he asks as he steps out of his closet wearing grey cargo shorts and a blue shirt that matches his eyes. He tosses his dirty clothes in the hamper and looks at me expectantly.

“Huh?”

Snickering, he walks over to where I’m still holding up the door. “I asked if you want to wear one of my shorts since it’s so hot outside.” He grabs my hips and pulls me off the door.

“N-no. I’m good.”

“If you say so.” He looks me over. “You’re so beautiful.” He whispers before leaning down for a kiss. He pulls me closer, so our dicks rub together through our clothes. “So sexy.” He pulls back for air only to dive back in. The kiss turns heated before there’s a loud knock behind me.

“Are you guys fucking? Cause we’re finished and I’m starving. Shane has ten minutes to feed me before I start pulling out pots and shit.” Comes Ryder’s muffled voice through the door.

Shane lets out a groan as his forehead meets mine. “Sorry about him. He takes some getting used to, but I promise he’s a good guy.” Shane looks me in the eye as I look up at him, nodding in understanding.

“Come on let’s go make sure he doesn’t burn the building down then we’ll leave.” He kisses me before pulling back and taking my hand.

We step out of his room to the sound of beeping coming from the oven. When we get to the kitchen, the two girls are sitting at the island. They both wave and smile at Shane then turn back to their conversation. Ryder is pressing buttons on the oven with a frozen pizza sitting on the counter next to him. Shane leaves me to go help him.

As I walk past the girls to get to the front door, I hear them whisper ‘loser’, ‘emo boy’, ‘gay’. I look back at them as they look at me like I’m gum stuck to the bottom of their shoes.

Like my father does.

My shoulders come up to my ears as I wait in the corner by the door. My heart is beating like crazy as it becomes harder and harder to take a full breath.

No. Not now. Not in front of them.

You should have taken more Xanax.

Now they’ll see what a true fuck up you are.

Do it!

PANIC! PANIC! PANIC!

My legs give out and the ground rushes for me.

But right as I’m about to land face first, strong arms wrap around me from behind.

‘I’ve got you now boy. You didn’t think you could escape me, did you?’

I gasp for air as the edges of my vision start to turn black.

‘Let me go, please. I don’t want to do it anymore.’

“I’ve got you, Charlie.”

I try to clear my vision, but I can’t.

I slowly open my eyes to worried blue ones. Shane strokes my forehead, not saying anything. Looking around, I see his light grey walls and know we are in his bed. I close my eyes and try to erase what happened.

“Don’t close your eyes again, beautiful.” He gently rubs under my eye. “Please look at me.” He sounds sad.

You did that.

I open my eyes as a tear rolls over my nose and down the top of my cheek. He pulls me into his arms as I bury my face in his neck and break.

I let the reminder of what today is sink in. I soak the collar of his shirt with my tears and twist it in my hands as I use it as an anchor to keep me here and not fall back into the past.

Shane holds me through it all, shushing me and kissing my head over and over.

I don’t deserve someone as kind as him in my life.

I let the exhaustion my mind has put me through this morning take over and fall back into the darkness.

When I open my eyes again, I’ve loosened my grip on his shirt and the sun has moved.

“Please talk to me, Charlie,” Shane whispers into my hair.

I wish I could tell him, but I can’t. It’s too much. He’ll find out how much of a fuck up I am.

What I did.

What I let happen.

No. He can’t find out.

I stay silent as I slowly roll to my back and look up at his ceiling. What can I tell him so that worried look can leave his face? I swallow hard and turn my head to look at him. He’s up on his elbow looking down at me.

“I have panic attacks sometimes, but I have medicine for it. You don’t have to worry about me.”

That wasn’t the right thing to say by the way his brows draw in. Shit.

“What do you mean you have medicine for it? Don’t you have to see a doctor frequently to get a prescription?”

Why does he know that?

“I was seeing a shri-therapist and she prescribed them to help me stay calm in a stressful situation. But sometimes a panic attack hits out of nowhere and the medicine isn’t strong enough at that time to stop it.”

That sounded convincing, right?

I honestly don’t know when I was prescribed Xanax or Valium. I was seeing shrink after shrink after it happened, and I think my mother got tired of having to keep filling out the paperwork, so she had one of her “special friends” get them for me so she wouldn’t have to be bothered by me anymore. But I’ve built up a tolerance over the years and they aren’t as strong as they once were, so I now take them along with something else to numb my mind.

Shane reaches across my face and moves the hair that’s fallen in my eyes. “Did you take them today? You’re struggling and I think if your therapist prescribed something to help you, you should be taking it.”

I think back to the two Xanax I took earlier. I felt the calm feeling leave my body halfway through sketching him in my art room.

“I took them before I got in the bathtub, but I’m okay now. Those girls…”

“Are assholes,” he finishes for me. “Ryder heard one of them talking about you when I was fixing the oven settings. That’s when he saw you swaying and ran to you before you hit your head.” Be brushes his fingers over my forehead again. “Bethany said few choice words that we don’t let fly in this house. Ryder tossed her and the other one out without a second thought.”

I didn’t like them, but I didn’t mean to ruin Ryder’s day. I sit up and swing my legs over the edge of the bed.

“Where are you going?” Shane gets up and stands in front of me.

“I have to go apologize to Ryder. He probably hates me right now. I don’t want your friend to be mad at me because I ruined his plans.”

I go to walk around him, but he grabs my hip and pulls me back in front of him. “Believe me, he doesn’t care. He was going to kick them out after they ate then never talk to them again. One thing Ryder doesn’t do is seconds. Plus, he’s not home.”

“Oh.”

“I’ll let him know what you said if that’ll help.”

“Thank you.” I look around his room again, spotting his clock and noticing that it’s past three. “We skipped lunch again,” I say, looking back at him.

He lets out a laugh and reaches for my hand. “Well, someone seems to not like being awake for lunch. You should probably change that since we have class tomorrow.”

He leads me to his door but instead of going right towards the kitchen like I thought he would, he turns left. He walks to the sliding glass doors and opens one. The warm air hits my face with a light breeze. He pulls me to one of the chairs and sits down before I do, pulling me to sit on his lap.

“I guess I should have asked if you were thirsty before I had you sit on me.” His soft chuckle against my ear makes me shiver.

“I’m fine.” I look out at all the people walking around the huge courtyard. “This is nice. It’s a much better view than I have.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty sweet. We were lucky to get one of these condos. They go really fast once a senior moves out. But the guys who lived here before us were on the team, so they let us know right before they moved out.”

I lean back awkwardly, not knowing if I should stay sitting or lie on his chest. He places his hand in the center of my chest and gently pushes me down until my back hits his hard chest, choosing for me. He lets out a contented sigh as I relax on top of him.

“Matt and Asher live on the first floor, but they live in that wing over there.” He points to the right and down. “I love Matt, but I don’t think I could handle him living on the same floor and seeing him every day for hockey.” He laughs and I can feel the vibrations through my back. “I have no idea how Asher does it.”

I have no idea who Asher is but it’s a safe bet that he’s a hockey player too.

We sit in silence for a while as we watch the clouds pass and listen to random conversations from the people below. Between the warmth from the sun on my face and the breeze keeping me cool, my eyes start to get heavy. I close them for a second but when I open them the sun has lowered, making the sky a burnt orange color.

“Are you hungry sleepy head?”

I look up at Shane as he smiles down at me. I sit up and stretch my arms over my head, making my shirt rise. He skims his fingers along my stomach releasing goosebumps in their wake.

I can’t believe I fell asleep again. I guess the mix of drugs and stress will do that to you.

He sits up and kisses the side of my neck, hugging me from behind. “What would you like for your twenty-first birthday dinner?”

I’m not hungry but I don’t think he’s going to accept that for an answer. I try to think of something he might like or that he can easily add meat to. “Umm…spaghetti or fettuccine alfredo?” I say it like a question hoping he’ll pick the one he likes.

“Oh, I love Italian food too. It’s a little late to make spaghetti sauce though, unless you want to wait until midnight to eat,” he laughs. “I like to let my sauce simmer all day before serving it. I can whip up some fettuccine in a few minutes and the alfredo doesn’t take too long. Are you a plain bread or garlic bread fan?”

Did he just say he’s going to make the noodles? I would end up with the one guy on campus who can make food from scratch and enjoy doing it.

“I don’t really have a preference on bread. Whichever is fine.”

“Okay then. Let’s get to cooking.” He kisses my neck again before I stand up. I follow him into the darkened condo and reach for his hand. He looks over his shoulder and smiles down at me.

Walking into the dark kitchen, the lights are flipped on, and “SURPRISE” is yelled making me jump about a foot in the air. Shane tightens his hold on my hand as he looks at me with a bright smile this time. My heart is beating like a damn racehorse as I look at the faces in front of me. Lily and Noah are standing to the right with Ryder in the middle and I think Matt’s next to him. There’s a tall broody-looking guy next to him leaning against the wall.

“You can thank Lily and Ryder for this,” Shane whispers in my ear. “I wanted them to come over for dinner with us but somehow this happened.” He tilts his head to where everyone is now chatting and eating the snacks set up on the island.

Lily walks up to me, beaming, and gives me a tight hug. “Happy birthday,” She squeals.

“How long have you been here that you’re already tipsy?”

She holds up a red solo cup and finishes whatever she’s drinking. “I think about an hour. I’m not sure. When we got here you were passed out on Sticks, and he was adamant that you sleep so he made all of us stay in here until you woke up.” She lets out a hiccup and then laughs at herself. “Why didn’t you tell me Sticks has such hot friends? He’s got a friend for every need.” She points to Matt. “That one is hilarious! He had me about to pee myself like five times. And that one,” she points to Ryder. “He screams man whore and if the rumors are true, I wouldn’t mind climbing that pole if you know what I mean.” She pumps her eyebrows, laughing. “And that tall glass of fuck off in the corner, I’d bet he’d break the bed in a rage fuck.” She bites her lip as she looks at him. “And don’t get me started on mister blue eyes-”

“Nope. I’m going to stop you right there.”

She laughs like it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever said.

“I’ve changed my mind. You are way tipsy and well on your way to drunk.” I take her empty cup and set it on the counter. “Shane is going to make pasta so that’ll help absorb whatever the fuck you’ve been drinking.”

“He cooks too?” She gasps.

“Yes. Go sit down and chat with Noah. He looks lost with so many jocks in one place.”

“Okey dokie!” She skips over to him as his face instantly lights up when she plops down on his lap. He’s got it bad for her, but she told me that she’s not into him like that. He’ll figure it out one way or another.

I walk over to where Shane is setting out stuff to make dinner. Or at least I think that’s what it’s all for. He sees me coming and holds out his hand for me to take. I stop and look around, but nobody is paying us any attention. I slide my hand into his and stand next to him as he arranges everything. I look at it all and don’t have the slightest clue how he’s going to make noodles and a sauce.

“Hey Ry, Matt can you guys move this to the living room so I can get started on dinner.” He points to the snacks.

“Sure thing,” Matt says as he shoves a chip with salsa in his mouth. He and Ryder grab the rest and walk out of the kitchen.

He pulls over the jar labeled flour. “Would you like to help me?” he asks, dumping flour in a pile right in front of us.

“I-I’m not very good at cooking. I’ll only get in your way.”

He taps my nose with his flour-covered finger and leans down. “I think you’ll do great, beautiful. It’s just pasta, I can adjust it as we go. And,” he moves to stand behind me and puts his hands on my hips, “I’ll be right here. Helping you.” He whispers next to my ear.