Page 58

Barely Human

A fter my lesson, I go back to our break room, and me and my men eat our rations.

We laugh and joke, with Maxen telling them all about me and the guard.

I decide to take first watch and kiss them all goodnight before heading back to the vantage point.

I make sure to keep my weapons strapped on, in case any of the guards, who throw me dirty looks as I walk past them, try anything.

I slump against the wall, my eyes drawn to the windows and the dying swirls of sand.

It looks like by morning the dust will have settled again.

The door opens next to me, and I have my dagger in my hand before they can step through.

Thorn looks around before spotting me, he sees the blade and smiles.

I smile back and slip it away as he joins me on the floor.

His whole body touching mine, we sit that close.

Out of all my men, Thorn is the one I have spent the least amount of time with.

Only here and there have we had private conversations, but after Paradise, I feel like we are a lot closer.

But in some ways, he is still a mystery to me.

A man so big, he towers over everyone, yet with the gentlest heart I have ever met.

His past is as messed up as mine, and I wish I could help him forget, and forgive himself.

“Tell me about your brother?” Thorn asks, his arm wrapping around my shoulder and pulling me close.

“Why?” I mumble.

“Because even though it hurts, he deserves to be remembered,” he says softly.

My heart clenches and pain spreads through my chest. Tears build up at the back of my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall.

“He was my best friend. He was older than me, so I used to follow him around everywhere. Yet, even when his friends made fun of him for letting me play with them, he didn’t care.

” I cut off and breathe, concentrating on the dust swirling in the distance.

“He protected me always. There was this boy in his year, who used to pick on me. He pushed me, so I punched him. The kid went running back to his mum crying, who turned up at our house. I knew I would be in trouble, so I hid behind my brother.” A sad smile twists my lips as I remember him reaching back and grabbing my hand.

His eyes so fierce, so determined to protect me even at his age.

“He took the blame, said he had done it.” I shake my head with a pained laugh.

“He was grounded for two weeks. He snuck into my room that night to read to me, I always did have trouble sleeping. I asked him why.” I breathe in and it hiccups as my eyes burn and my throat closes.

“He told me it was his duty as big brother to always protect me, and that he always would.” I finish brokenly, my heart falling apart at the old memory, one I didn’t even know I could recall.

“He sounds like an amazing person,” Thorn says, pulling me closer. I drop my head onto his shoulder and let the pain run through me even as I smile at the memory.

“He was.”

It goes quiet for a bit as we watch the twisting of the air and sand in front of us. “What about your sister?” I ask after a while.

“She was so little. So full of life, god she drove my mum crazy with her attitude. But no matter how much she was winding me up, I loved her. She was my weakness, my sister with the smile that could make even the biggest man cave.” He breathes in against me, as his body shakes.

“I should have protected her,” he whispers brokenly, and I turn to see tears tracking down his face.

“You did everything you could. You told me even though it hurts she deserves to be remembered, well you deserve to forgive yourself even though it hurts.” He tightens his arm on me. “What was her name?” I ask, pushing him to see past his grief.

“Petal.” He lets out a laugh. “See the pattern? My mum was obsessed with flowers, so Thorn and Petal. She was so beautiful, she had this big curly hair that would not be tamed. These two dimples and deep brown eyes that you got lost in.”

My heart stutters and the more he talks the more I freeze up as a memory flings me into the past, even as he carries on talking.

“Chocolate,” she says with a smile, her head tipped to the side to face me.

Her swirly brown hair poking through the bars.

The stone cell she is in is opposite mine.

Another punishment for me, and her as well.

Her dirty, once white, now brown cotton dress barely covers her legs as she holds them to her chest for warmth.

There's a blood stain on her side, but I don't ask. We both know talking about it doesn’t help.

Two torches bracket her cell, reflecting off the damp cold stone.

At least we have light this time; last time he left me down here in the dark with nothing but my pain and hunger for days.

You spend so long in the dark, being out of it feels wrong.

Even now, I sit to the shadowed side of the cell bars, my face slightly hidden as we watch each other.

My stomach throbs in hunger and I pull my legs to my chest, mirroring her.

I can’t remember the last time I ate anything, and my bones are beginning to stick out now.

Yanking on my own dirty tunic, I try to cover as much of my bare legs as possible.

The rip from Ivar earlier tears a little more making me close my eyes in pain at the reminder of what happened to me.

“Ice cream,” I whisper, trying to breathe through my shame.

“Apples,” she says through a soft laugh, her voice melodic and helping me concentrate on our conversation.

It’s our way of staying sane. She’s younger than me and has been here only a couple of months, but in that time, she has been through the same hell I have.

I don’t reply, and I hear her sigh. It took her a whole month to get me to talk at all.

“Thank you for protecting me again today,” she says, gripping the bars.

I shrug and focus on the flames, a coping mechanism of mine.

It’s not like I saved her life, just took the beating meant for her, much to Ivar’s delight.

He asked me why as I lay curled in a broken ball on his floor.

I didn’t bother telling him it’s because I know it will break her.

Even now, I can see the strain in her eyes.

They have dimmed as well, the hope leaving them tired.

It’s the same look I see in my eyes every day, but there is a difference between us.

She can’t endure, I have seen that for myself.

It sends a sharp stabbing pain through my chest because I know before long, she will die.

If not by her own hand, by theirs once she is nothing more than a shell –– after all, she is useless to them.

I have seen it happen time and time again, slaves come and go.

Their minds breaking from the torture, just another body for his men to dispose of after.

Yet, I am still here. I wish I knew why, but I refuse to let that bastard have the last laugh.

He would love it if he finally broke me.

I never let myself get too close to the other slaves, it only brings more pain, but something about this little girl made me reach out. Made me change my rules, and I know Ivar has spotted it. I just don’t know how he plans to use it against me.

“What’s your real name?” she asks, breaking into my thoughts.

I turn to face her once again, my bruised and raw cheek pushing against the stone behind me.

I grit my teeth against the pain of moving, my body is locking up.

My muscles sore and abused, but at least the pain blocks the hunger for a while.

“Tazanna.” The word sounds foreign, and my voice croaks from not being used but her brilliant smile makes it all worth it. It’s breathtaking, like the sun rising in the morning.

“Nice to meet you, Tazanna, I’m Petal.” She keeps her smile until I find myself offering her one back.

The feeling of it stretching my lips foreign to me.

Footsteps sound as someone descends the stairs.

Her smile falls away and her eyes turn panicked as she grips the bars harder, her face going white.

“Don’t fight them, they like it,” I whisper hurriedly. It’s my turn to grip the bars as she seems to be miles away, stuck in her panic. “Petal. Promise me,” I demand. She blinks before nodding at me, a tear dripping down her little face.

The man stops between our cells and I drag my eyes away from her, letting them go cold and vacant. Ivar’s right-hand man, Dreven, appears between our cells.

“Well, ladies. Ivar has a deal. One of you is mine tonight, while the other is safe. Pick. You have thirty seconds.” He grins, and almost giggles as he watches Petal hungrily.

I know he hasn’t had her yet, he loves breaking in a new slave.

I watch as she trembles, her mind obviously screaming at her.

“Me. I will go with you,” I say, I don’t know why. I have never volunteered to save another before. It’s not what the slaves do. You look out for yourself, all the others would have thrown me at him, some did, but I can’t let him touch her.

He frowns before shrugging, that same crazy smile returning.

“I have some new toys, pet.” He walks to my cell and starts to unlock it. I catch Petal’s eyes as tears stream down her face. She mouths ‘thank you’ and I nod.

I come back to myself to find Thorn crouching before me, his hands on my knees as he shakes me desperately.

I watch him with wide tear filled eyes, and remember what happened last time, and my promise for truth. I search his concerned eyes and know if I don’t tell him, he will never forgive me.

“I knew her,” I choke out.

“Wh-what?” he croaks.

“She was Ivar’s pet. He brought her in a couple of years after me. Thorn… I’m so sorry.” I try to reach out, but he drops his hands and falls to his ass before me.

“She dead?” he asks, his eyes locked on mine. I bite my lip and his eyes harden. “Worth, is my sister dead?”

I close my eyes in pain “Yes,” I whisper.

I open my eyes to see him flinch, like a bullet tore into him as he sucks in a breath.

“How?” he demands.

I shake my head and he grabs my cheeks. “I want to know how!” he shouts, the anguish etched across his handsome face.

I lick my dry chapped lips and swallow harshly.

“A stab wound. She dropped a drink on one of his men. He stabbed her in her stomach. I–” I hold in my sob, my memories fighting to resurface.

“I held her as she died. I sang to her and told her everything would be okay. I made sure she wasn’t alone, that she wasn’t scared.

I held her even when she was gone, until they dragged me away from her kicking and screaming.

” I remember the night, the one where I learnt how depraved and evil Ivar really is.

How much hurt and pain can be imparted, not physically, but mentally.

“I’m sorry. I tried to save her, I did. I promise you!

Please don’t hate me, Thorn. Please,” I beg, the tears finally falling.

He looks away from me, his face a mask of bitterness, pain, and even self-loathing.

No doubt he is blaming himself for not going back for her. But if anyone is to blame, it’s me.

“I don’t hate you. I never could, but I need some time.” He stands up and with every step he takes away from me, it’s a blow to my racing heart.

“I love you,” I whisper. I know he hears me because he flinches, but he doesn’t bother to turn around. Just slips inside, leaving me alone with my pain and regret.