Page 10

“What’s the difference?” Maxen’s voice is his usual grumble as he cleans his knife on a spare bit of cloth. My eyes keep drifting back to watch, it’s hypnotising. The moving of his muscles as he works on the blade, the concentration on his face. I blink, and drag my eyes away again.

“Scavs are scavengers. They don’t tend to roam in more than packs of five.

They aren’t the best fighters. They tend to be dumb and big; plus, they have no leadership.

It’s not uncommon to find scavs killing each other.

They don’t always have rides either. They are the lowest on the totem pole with the exception of slaves. ”

Maxen nods at my explanation and flicks his eyes up at me, before carrying on with cleaning his blades. Lust sparks through me as I watch him. Why is the sight turning me on?

“Roadies?” Thorn asks, the word sounding foreign on his tongue. It brings me out of my haze, and I keep my eyes averted from Maxen, just in case.

“They roam in bigger groups, usually ten or more. They are a little smarter but not by much. They always have a leader, and are usually the fighters or the bounty hunters,” I reply, hoping my confusion and desire doesn't show on my face.

“So, which are you?” Jax asks. I finally glance over at him and hold his gaze. I try to decipher the look in his eyes, but something in me tells me I don't want to.

“Neither.” My voice is emotionless, the thought of talking about me making me defensive “Anyway, how did you four meet?” They glance between each other.

“Well, obviously Jax and I are brothers. We were raised in a shitty area in the cities. We met Maxen when we were about ten, after he tried to beat me up, and then Thorn a year later. We didn't really have anyone else, so we became each other’s family and have been together ever since.” Drax’s voice is overly cheery, but I can see the pain in his eyes.

What sort of upbringing forces four kids to band together for safety?

For the first time, I realise we might not be as different as I thought.

With that unsettling thought, I decide to end this little party.

“I’ll take first watch, then we swap every three.

” Not waiting for a reply, I stand and make my way to the door.

We left it open to let the smell out and it makes it easier to see.

With the light now out in the house, it means I can see anyone approaching, but they can’t see me until they’re too close.

I hear them all bed down for the night, and soon their snores fill the house. It’s good that they can sleep, some people struggle. They will need to rest, tomorrow will be another long day.

I’m staring at the moon, when I hear rustling behind me.

Knowing it’s one of the guys, I don’t say anything.

I’m sitting sideways in the doorway, and he sits down next to me, squishing against me in the narrow space.

I look out of the corner of my eye and see it’s one of the twins.

He doesn’t say anything, and I know it’s not the time for his watch, so I just carry on looking, the silence comfortable.

His eyes catch the moonlight and the silence makes me guess Jax.

Drax feels like the sort of person who needs to fill the room with jokes or small talk.

His personality is huge. Jax is the polar opposite, his eyes are always watching, calculating, and learning.

He rarely speaks, and when he does, it’s for something important.

He has a seriousness about him that his brother does not.

I like both, it’s like the day and the night.

“You should laugh more, I like the sound of it.” His whisper doesn’t wake those behind us, so I turn to him a little bit. I ignore the warmth his words cause, it wouldn’t do to fall into that trap again.

“You should talk more, I like it,” I say honestly. He looks at me, the intelligence in his eyes astounding.

“I don’t have a lot to say, so I leave it to my brother.” Our whispers create a bubble around us. I nod and look back outside, the silence and darkness making me brave.

“I can be that way sometimes,” I reply honestly.

“I know.”

I sigh, knowing he sees too much; he’s too smart. They all are. It’s silent again for a while, just our breathing letting each other know we are still there.

“Couldn’t sleep?” I ask, honestly happy for the company; watch can get boring.

Back when I was a Berserker, I was always on watch alone.

Only because being a slave turned slave fighter made me an outcast. Half the men feared me, and the other half hated me right up until I won my freedom.

Loneliness is my ever-present friend, but at this moment, I don’t feel it.

That scares me, but I’m not about to run away.

I’ll get my fill and then when I go back to my solitude, I will use this to help.

I eye him again, wondering why he’s awake.

I'm used to running on empty with sleep often evading me, too many bad dreams. It doesn’t help when every little noise wakes me, fearing an attack.

“No.” When he doesn’t say anything more, I let the silence stretch. I see him look at his brother, his face filling with tenderness. “We always had this rule; one awake, one asleep. It’s how we survived, I guess I’m just used to it.”

I nod in understanding, but my curiosity is piqued. I don’t bother asking any questions; if he wanted to share, he would. I know better than anyone that pushing won’t help.

“Why do you live out here?”

I can see him looking at me out of the corner of my eye. Genuine curiosity laces his words, not the scorn I was expecting. I think about my answer before replying.

“It’s easy to lose yourself out here. No one cares, I can just be me. Plus, I’m too rough to live anywhere else, too much darkness. Out here, I can use that to help people.” I don’t elaborate, and he doesn’t ask, but I see the small smile on his face.

“I can understand that. Drax fit right in the cities, but me? I had too many demons, ones I tried to protect him from.” He says softly.

He goes to say something else but we both freeze at the sound of a whimper.

I turn into the house to see Drax tossing and turning, crying out in his sleep.

Looking to Jax, I see the pain and guilt on his face.

When he sees me looking, he doesn’t bother locking it down like I thought he would.

“I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t protect him from everything.

” The pain etched on his face has me reaching out to him before I notice.

I cup his cheek and turn his face to mine.

Watching his brother’s struggle with nightmares has stripped him bare.

I see the damaged man in front of me and my heart softens, making me bold; making me forget my rules to keep my distance.

“You can’t protect him from everything, Jax.

I’m betting he doesn’t blame you and the fact that you still sit here, protecting him, says a lot more about you.

” Cursing my need to wipe that look of his face, I lean forward and put my forehead to his.

He watches me like you would a lion, the vulnerability and fear clear to see.

When you are so used to people fucking you over and hurting you, showing any weakness is hard.

For him to let me see that? I swallow hard.

“I’m betting we all have nightmares. The question is: do you let them control you, to own you?

Or do you let them build you up, stronger than before?

Drax lets it build him, he might struggle, and yes, I’ve seen the flashes in his eyes, but he’s okay.

You need to let this guilt go before it eats you up.

Trust me, I know.” He closes his eyes as a tear escapes.

“How-” he croaks. “How do you forgive yourself for not protecting someone you love?”

I laugh bitterly. “When you know, you tell me. For now, all I can offer you is your safety. Tonight, here in this house, I’m not the monster everyone knows me as, and you’re not Jax the protector.

We are just a man and a woman.” His eyes open slowly.

I inhale and move away, trying to bring my aloofness back and create some distance.

Drax whimpers again and my head and heart start to pull me in two directions.

My head is telling me all the reasons why I shouldn't let them in, to get too familiar, but my heart doesn't care.

That last soft part of me aches at the pain in that sound and begs me to help.

I stand up before I can question my actions.

As I am moving over to his brother, Jax grabs my hand.

I look down at him as a smile so brilliant it changes his whole face appears.

“Thank you.”

I nod and shuffle away in embarrassment.

When I reach Drax’s side, I crouch and move the hair out of his face.

He looks so young in his sleep, his ever-present smirk and attitude absent, to reveal the man trying to outrun his nightmares.

I can feel Jax watching, but Drax and all the others being asleep helps, and when he whimpers again, I tell myself he will never know that I helped.

I gently kiss his forehead and murmur to him, stroking his cheek.

My words don’t make much sense, just reassurances and funny stories.

Eventually, his eyes lose their tightness and his face slackens.

When I drop my hand from his face and go to stand, he reaches out in his sleep with a cry.

I swallow hard and look at his brother. He watches us with a gentleness to his face I’ve never seen.

“I’ll keep watch if you protect him from his dreams.” He turns and looks out the door.

The trust knocks me sideways, to leave me with his unprotected brother?

I watch his back as I move over Drax. Hesitating, I look down at the sleeping man.

Why do I care if he's upset? What makes them so different?

My internal war carries on as I lay behind him and wrap my arm around his waist, so I can still see his brother and the doorway.

He murmurs and shifts onto his back before smiling and falling into a deep sleep.

My neck starts to ache, and I find myself laying my head on his chest. His arms wrap around me, cocooning me in their warmth.

My chest loosens at the feeling of safety; a feeling so foreign to me it takes me a while to realise what it is.

I close my eyes and breathe through the feeling, wanting to remember it.

When I open them again, Jax is watching us, a look of longing on his face.

When I blink, it disappears and he nods before turning back to the door again.

Convincing myself I will move before anyone else knows, and I will put my shields back up again, I get comfy.

We spend the rest of my watch like that. Me wrapped around his brother and him watching the outside, defending his friends from the wasteland. It’s one of the best nights I’ve had in a while, and in Drax’s arms, my heart races as feelings I thought had been tortured out of me long ago emerge.