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Fifteen

Final Goodbye

W e don’t fuck. I bathe with the help of handsy Thorn, and then we all climb into bed, but my mind is caught on tomorrow. They have both been gone a while now, especially Von, but it will be so final tomorrow.

They know, and they shuffle closer, pressing their bodies to mine and offering comfort.

“Tell us about him?” I turn my head to meet Thorn’s gaze. “Your brother,” he adds, smiling at me as he clasps our hands together. I remember what he told me about his sister and know how it feels, so I open my mouth and start to talk.

“He was so outgoing, always had so many friends and would get annoyed when I tagged along with him. But every night when bad dreams plagued me, he would climb into bed with me and make me laugh until I slept. He was so funny. You would have loved him, Drax. I always wish I got to see him grow up. He would have been an amazing man…but maybe it’s for the best. This way, I don’t have to see him suffer and die in this world.

I can think of him somewhere else all grown up, maybe married with kids…

” I trail off, and Maxen kisses my shoulder.

“He sounds incredible, Mi Alma .”

“He was,” I murmur, my smile widening. “We were really close. I know a lot of people hated their siblings when they were younger, but we didn’t.

It will be hard tomorrow. He’s been gone a long time, but I guess I’ve always numbed myself and kept moving.

Now…now with nothing else to fight for or to stop me from thinking, I’m just—” I sigh, and Jax lifts his head .

“Letting it sink in, Angel, that’s what you’re doing, processing his death finally.”

I nod, tears in my eyes. “But I know wherever they are, whatever comes after this life, he’s waiting. With my mum and Vass and Major and Cara.” I don’t mention the hallucinations I had when I died, it was probably my mind playing tricks on me when I remembered them and heard them.

Right?

The next morning, I am filled with nerves.

I slept like shit, tossing and turning all night until I gave up and got up early.

Taking extra pride in my appearance, I put on my best black jeans, top, and leather jacket.

I braided my hair and left some loose in the warrior’s style.

I even put on my champion face paint—the red handprint with the dripping black marks.

I also place it on my men. They sit before me one after the other, all quiet as I paint them as warriors.

When we are done, we head outside together to face the day.

The sun is high and heating up quickly. I’m already sweating as I brief the leaders on what is happening. Today isn’t about politics, it’s about peace and remembering.

The mood is somber. Last night, the whispers went around about today, so the men are awake and sober, all respectful and quiet.

Anyone who isn’t is dealt with quickly as I walk through the compound to Major’s grave.

I would have liked to have buried Vas near his old house, but here with my family is good too.

In procession, we proceed to the burying area with me leading and my men behind me.

The leaders are at my side but back one step, showing everyone who is in charge.

I keep my head held high and my stride long and controlled, even though my stomach twinges with each step, the stab of pain making me irritable. I don’t let it show.

Eyes drop as we pass, and people fall in behind us. I hear whispers that almost make me smile. One from Piper nearly makes me stumble with a chuckle. She calls me a badass. “She looks like a Viking!” she whispers.

Shaking my head, I lead the way around to the tree, swallowing as I stop before it.

Major is here, now so will Von and Vass.

My family. Priest steps up to the tree to lead the service.

He thought it was an honour, but in reality, I didn’t know what to say.

Men gather at his sides, his angels. The graves are already there looking freshly turned, though there is nothing in them.

Two crosses are held in the men’s grasps.

Crosses I craved words into with my knife this morning.

My words of goodbye from someone who loved them.

Priest steps forward and starts to talk.

I try to listen, but my eyes catch on the way the sun shines through the tree here, creating an almost heavenly halo on the ground where they will be forever memorialised.

I don’t believe in fate or God, but if I did, this would help me feel good about what I am doing. As if it’s a sign.

“…gathered to remember those who have fallen, those who were loved by our queen. One a warrior, who selflessly sacrificed his life to ensure her survival, and in turn, provided liberation from the mad king. Another, her brother by blood, slain too soon. Here today, she stands with brothers and family from all across The Wastes—though it may not be by blood, but by loyalty. We stand here today to remember them with her, to carry her pain and grief with us as she carries the burden of their lives.” I lift my chin at that, feeling eyes on me, all those eyes.

Some watch for weakness, some watch in understanding.

Nearly all in loyalty.

I step forward, away from my men and everyone else, and nod at the warriors holding the crosses. Both step forward with their grave markers and begin the task of placing them into the hardened soil next to Major.

“Though they are gone, we are taught death is not the end. Today, under our redeemer, under the sun who wiped the Earth clean, my angels and I will carry them on to a better life. For warriors and lovers will unite.”

Some of the crowd murmurs at that, but honestly, I’m used to Priest’s crazy, and for some reason, today it settles me. With my heart heavy, his words of promise that I will see them again someday gives me the grit and determination I need to stand through this.

The smashing of the hammers against the wooden crosses is loud amidst the crowd of gathered warriors. People have come from all four corners of The Wastes for the funeral.

Berserkers.

Seekers.

Worshippers.

Scavs

Roadies.

Paradise.

Lost…

All in one place, all brought here by one person.

Me.

Not one person talks, their heads bowed in reverence and respect.

Arms crossed before them, the warriors chant and sing the songs of goodbye to honour.

Their voices fill the air, storming through my blood with each lyric of pain, grief, forgiveness, and remembrance. They sing of death, of meeting again.

Of never walking alone. Even though I stand alone now, it fills me with hope. It fills me with a sense of camaraderie. I might be burying my brother and a man who became like a brother to me, but they will forever be remembered by all of these warriors as their own brothers.

Five men stand apart behind me, their eyes sad and bodies hard.

War wounds cover them, healing but still there.

Fresh scars, both emotionally and physically, are evident.

I turn back and meet their gazes, the gazes of the men I love.

Each and every one of them has their fists over their hearts and their eyes on me, filled with love and sadness for me.

We all know this could have so easily been me.

I see it in their eyes and the hard lines of their bodies, knowing how fragile and brittle life can be.

For a woman who has taken hundreds, it’s only in this moment when I realise just how deeply one death can affect a whole world.

How the little whispers and fractures of their life can reach out far and wide on people’s hearts.

You never know how you can affect someone, or how deeply people love you, so we should hold those we love close and tell them every day, because you never know what is going to happen, and to live with regrets is worse than to not live at all.

I whisper it now, my lips moving over the words, and they murmur it back to me.

We love you.

Always.

Smash.

The swing of the hammer comes again as the crosses are forced into the ground, a perfect place to be laid to rest. Here in the sands, under the sun, below the tree carved with markings.

Finally at peace, after all the battles and uncertainty.

The end…

A goodbye.

They might be gone, but they will always live on in my heart. And as long as I’m breathing, we will never forget them. I will tell stories of them, and I will spread their love and joy throughout this world, until everyone knows them.

To be remembered and loved is to never die.

“With our hearts joined today, we bid them farewell for now, but not forever. Bow your heads in silence as we remember those we have lost and those who are still with us.”

I bow my head and send a prayer up, not sure if anyone will ever hear it, but it feels right. I don’t send it to a god or deity, but to my family. To Vass and Von .

I love you, I will never forget you. Until we meet again.

“With the dust of our ashes scattered and the sun lighting the way, our goodbyes are over,” Priest concludes and looks to me. “For our queen, for The North, we remember!”

The chant is echoed out among the crowd, and I turn to see the warriors there, screaming their respect and loyalty. I will never be alone, not when I am surrounded by a family of thousands.

I nod and they nod back as my men step closer, surrounding me, offering me their comfort and strength.

As the crowd breaks apart, and the burial song still fills the air as they walk away together, I see him, standing alone to the side with tears in his eyes as he watches me bury my brother.

His son.

He’s alone, but I am not.

Not ever again.