Page 165

Thirteen

Control Me

I wash and dress with Maxen’s help before I kiss him goodbye. He doesn’t try to stop me, and neither do the others. I need some time… I need to gather my thoughts and get back to being me.

Strong.

My body feels weak, and I hate it. It was the one thing I could always count on, the strength hard-won, but now I’m back to square one. Even heading to Major’s office has me sweating, and as soon as I get there, I have to sit down.

Sands below, as soon as the wound is healed enough, I need to get back to training and regain my strength. Sitting in his chair, I close my eyes. The room still smells like him, feels like him.

He was there when I was dying. I remember, it was so…

Fuck.

Von.

Something I said in the fever haze is sticking with me, and I can’t stop thinking about it. “I want to bury my brother,” I murmur out loud. We have a few days until the leaders come… Shit, no we don’t. We have one.

One day.

Pulling the butterfly necklace out of my shirt, the one I never take off, I run it through my fingers, wishing for his strength and guidance right now. Is what I am planning the right move?

Some will hate it, they will revolt… Others? It will save them, protect them. But am I strong enough to carry it out?

I’ve never minced my words before, but now I am second-guessing myself. Sighing, I pour a drink and toss it back as I braid my hair quickly to the side. There will be only one way to know.

Try.

I have to try. But first, Von…Vasilisy. Fuck, I want to bury them both. They deserve to be at peace. Even if their bodies aren’t here, they deserve to be memorialised and have a place I can go to remember them.

There’s a knock at the door, and I sit straighter. “Come in.”

Jax pokes his head around the door, and when I smile, he slips inside, shuts it, and leans against it as he stares at me. “You okay, Angel?”

I nod, but he frowns and comes over, falling to his knees before my chair as he keeps his eyes on mine. “Angel…do what you need to do.”

I frown, not understanding, and he smiles. “Hurt me, control me.”

I jerk back, and he presses closer, turning my chair and forcing himself between my thighs. “You need it, I need it. It’s never about pain with us, but control, to give our feelings an outlet. I almost lost you… You almost died. We need to let that out together.”

Licking my lips, I debate it, but he’s right.

Those trusting grey eyes stay locked on me, waiting for whatever I will offer him.

He knew I was struggling, too many emotions, too much swirling through me…

because he feels the same. My silent demon is unable to let them out any in other way than under my control.

He sought me out, and in the quiet of Major’s office, I am reminded of just how much I have to live for.

But then his eyes flicker down for a moment, hiding away from me, which can’t happen.

I might have lost a lot, but I also gained so much…like him.

And all my other men.

Reaching down, I grab my knife and press it to his chin, tilting it up until he is staring at me.

His lips part on a deep breath, and his pupils blow in hunger.

Stroking down his throat to his shirt, I quickly and swiftly slice down.

The material falls in tatters to the floor, his wide, built chest on display for me.

His heart hammers so loud, I can almost hear it, and his chest is heaving with his breathing now.

“Is this what you want?” I ask darkly as I drop the knife and dig my hands into his hair, yanking his head up higher and further back. He moans, pressing into my hand for more. “For me to control you? To make you beg at my knees?”

“Yes, Angel,” he hisses, his throat working. “Whatever you want.”

“So, if I told you to wait right here while I fucked your brother, you would? If I made you watch as I fucked every single one of my men without touching you, you would, wouldn’t you?” He nods, the movement tugging his hair. “And you would love it. ”

“Angel,” he begs, his eyes wild and almost on fire as he watches me.

“When you saw me fall, when you saw me die, what did you feel?” I query, pulling on his hair harder and making him groan.

“I-I hated it,” he stutters. “I was so scared I had lost you forever, that I was never going to get to tell you I love you again. To kiss you, hold you, grow old with you… I was fucking terrified, Angel. So scared,” he admits, his eyes filling with a sheen of tears.

My silent demon was taught for so long never to speak what he thought without pain following, so I know how big a step this is for him. In my control, he does as I order, even if it’s hard for him. That deserves a reward.

Releasing his hair, I stroke down his face before pressing my thumb to his lips.

He greedily sucks it in, his eyes on me, before I pull it free and drag it down his chest. “Stand up,” I order.

He jumps to his feet, and I carry on trailing my thumb down his throat to his chest and over his pecs before twisting his nipple until he groans, his hips bucking in a wild thrust.

Fuck, I love the power I have over this man.

It’s heady, and when I’m feeling weak…he makes me feel strong.

He needs this, the pain, the domination, and I need the control and strength of being in charge again.

Dragging my thumb down his abs, I watch them clench, that delicious V making my mouth water.

All my men are warriors, fighters, which means they are in insane shape.

They have to be to survive. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love the perks.

Running my finger across the low-slung waistband of his jeans, I look up at him to see his head lowered, his eyes locked on me as he waits for my next order.

My other men wouldn’t hesitate to grab me and bend me over this desk. Hell, Dray probably would have fucked me already, but Jax waits. For my orders, he would wait forever with me touching and teasing, if that’s what I wanted.

His surrender is so sweet.

Dipping my fingers into his pants, I watch him bite his lip in anticipation. “Undo your pants,” I instruct as I pull my hand free. He deftly and quickly unfastens them and pulls them down, making me arch my eyebrow. “Did I say pull them down?” He freezes, swallowing as I glare at him.

“No, Angel,” he murmurs, knowing I will punish him for it—it’s probably why he did it in the first place.

Standing, I clear Major’s desk and hop onto it, spreading my legs and ignoring the slight pain in my stomach. “Take my jeans off.”

He does it silently, stripping me from the fabric until I’m in my panties.

I watch him lick his lips as his eyes zero in on my covered pussy.

I make him wait until he’s almost shaking from need.

“Take them off.” He grabs a knife and slices them off quickly.

“On your knees,” I demand, watching him drop instantly, his hands going to my thighs and digging in as he waits like a starving man.

“Angel, please, fuck,” he groans, digging his fingers into my thighs harder as I lean back on my hands and watch him. Seeing his blond head between my thighs makes me moan.

“Please what?” I prompt with a teasing smile.

“Let me taste you, let me feel you alive under my tongue and fingers,” he begs, those grey eyes locking on me across my body. “Let me taste your release and know that you are still mine.”

Fuck, I almost come from his words alone, from the love on his face, and when he drags his tongue along his lips, I shiver from need, my pussy clamping.

“Taste me,” I tell him, but my voice is breathless.

My stomach twinges from being upright, so I lie down, hating that I can’t see him, but when his fingers part my pussy and he takes a long lick, I forget about that and lose myself in him.

“Fuck,” I mutter, reaching down and grabbing his hair, pulling on it to get him closer.

Jax circles my clit before lifting his head enough to talk. “Let me look after you, Angel, let me love you.”

How can a girl say no to that?

So even though I have queenly shit I should be doing, I lie back and let him eat my pussy.

After that, we don’t need words, Jax knows exactly how I like it.

After all, it was right here at The Ring where I taught him.

His tongue dips inside me before flicking my clit, and then he adds his fingers as well.

I raise my hips to meet them, desperately rocking into his touch and mouth.

He’s right. I feel alive, I feel loved.

All my worries have disappeared with one swipe of his talented tongue.

He moans as he licks me, the vibration driving me wild.

His quick, thick fingers fuck me as his tongue dips inside me at the same time, before dragging all the way back up to my clit and flicking it.

He eats my pussy like he will die without it, as if my pleasure is the air he needs to breathe.

Within minutes, he has me screaming, my hand clenching in his hair as I grind my pussy into his face. He licks me through it, soft gentle strokes, until I push him away with a groan.

He crawls up my body, and I open my eyes to see his lips glistening with my release and his grey eyes alight with happiness.

I can’t help but lean up and kiss him, tasting myself on his lips.

Pulling back, he presses his forehead to mine.

“I love you, Angel. Whatever is to come, we do it together, and if you need to whip, cut, burn, or order us behind closed doors to let off that steam, do it. We are yours, however you need us, whenever you need us. I can handle anything…anything but you dying. Promise me, never again,” he whispers raggedly, tears in his eyes again.

“Promise me you will never leave me again.”

I swallow the lump in my throat. When I chose to make that sacrifice, I knew what I was leaving behind, but I thought it was worth it to save my people. I didn’t realise how much of an impact it would have on my men. Fear lingers in Jax’s eyes. Fear I put there.

Fear that, one day, I will leave.

I will die.

I did that, and it breaks my heart. I know my words won’t ever be enough, it will take a lifetime of actions and sticking around for him to forgive me, but I’m starting now.

“Jax, I’m sorry. I did what I thought was best. If there was any way I could have stayed…

I would have. For you and them. No one else could ever make me hesitate like that.

I’ve never feared death, but when I found myself on the cusp of it, I was so scared.

Scared of losing you, of leaving you. All I can do is apologise and tell you that I love you.

” I lean up and kiss him again, but his lips are unmoving.

“Promise me,” he demands.

“I can’t,” I whisper. “If it came down to saving you and dying, I would gladly do it again. This world doesn’t guarantee us a tomorrow or a next week, so I can’t promise I won’t ever die.

But I will never leave your side without a fight.

Even if I see death coming, I will fight with everything in me, for you, always… Is that enough?”

I hold my breath, searching his eyes, hoping it is. I couldn’t bear to lose him, to lose any of them. They are my family, my loves…but what if love isn’t enough, with the threat of their hearts breaking one day hanging over them?

I flick my eyes between his grey ones and beg him not to leave.

“Please, Jax… Everyone always leaves me. Not you, never you. You knew who I was when you fell in love with me, I can’t change that.

I’m a fighter, a warrior…a fucking champion.

That comes with risks, and life is never certain, but it makes it all that much sweeter.

Every stolen moment, every kiss or time we fuck…

make love, it makes it that much fucking better, because I know it could be our last.” I swallow then as his tears finally fall.

“Don’t ask me to promise something I can’t keep, and I won’t ask you to stop trying to save me. ”

He blinks his eyes shut for a moment before sighing.

“I will always try to save you, even when you never want to be saved. You’re my love, Angel, you’re my fucking everything.

The reason I breathe, the reason I fight.

You pulled me from my own darkness and made my demons yours.

I will never leave you. Not even death could pull us apart,” he vows, and I sag at his words.

A lone teardrop rolls down my cheek, filled with the fear that I had finally done something to push them away and lose them.

He leans down and licks it up before kissing me again.

Both of us are telling the other how sorry we are without words.

How much we love the other.

When we break away, we just spend a moment breathing each other in, having a moment of silence before we have to deal with the craziness that is to come over the next few days. “I want to bury my brother and Vass,” I tell him.

He nods in understanding. “We can do that, when?”

Another thing I love about these men is that they never try to stop me or question me, they just support me. Always. “Tomorrow, when everyone is here. We start this new North off the right way,” I whisper.

“With an amazing leader,” he murmurs, leaning down and kissing me. “Not all of them deserve you, it’s not going to be easy.”

“I know, but easy is boring.” I grin, making him laugh.

“You would say that. After all, you married five men.”

I groan then. “Don’t remind me! I can easily divorce you.” I wink as he kisses my chin.

“No, Angel, you can’t. Like we would ever let you get away from us.”