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Major’s Ghost

I get lucky. No one is waiting by the room.

I can hear them all outside, someone is singing, and there are cheers, which means someone is fighting, yet I have no intent on joining them.

No, instead I head to Major’s office, but I hesitate outside the doorway.

This was our place, our sanctuary, and although I love Dray, some things shouldn’t be changed just because of love.

“I need to do this myself,” I tell Dray, turning to him with a weak smile.

He nods before winking at me. “Figured as much, I’ll wait outside and make sure no one disturbs you. I’ll wait all night if I have to, so take your time, soulmate. Say your goodbyes.” He kisses me on the forehead then, sweet and soft.

I watch him go before turning to face the office again.

Throwing back my shoulders, I push open the doors and let them close behind me.

I put the lock in place, not wanting anyone to see me break down.

I’m their leader now, they are looking to me for guidance, and they can’t see me weak.

Dray is right. This is my goodbye to Major.

I won’t forget him and it won’t stop hurting, but maybe I can start to accept his death and his ghost will stop haunting my every waking and sleeping minute with regret and pain. Maybe I can let him go.

The office looks exactly the same. It shouldn’t, it should look different.

Yet it’s the same, even when I am not. I feel like I have grown so much since the last time I have been here, when Major told me about Ivar.

I had been so tormented, so worried about him, and he had still held power over me as much as I didn’t want to admit it.

Now, I’m free of him, free to finally be me and to grow without his shadow chasing me across the Wastes.

In this place, I first became Worth. It feels fitting it’s the place I come to when I have finally become more...me. The me Major always knew I could be.

Running my fingers along the books in the wall, I smile sadly.

I remember all the hours we spent in here, talking and reading.

Him teaching me as much as he could about everything and anything, regaling me with stories from pre-scorch.

Even in a world like this, he still believed in the power of words, and it’s evidenced by his collection here.

Turning away, I face the desk where his chair sits empty behind it, while the one I always sat in faces it like it’s ready for another of our meetings.

But they will never happen again. He won’t ever tell me another story, he won’t teach me another skill or push me to be better than I was.

We won’t ever share a drink as we both lose ourselves in the books.

This room is filled to the brim with memories of him and I, and it’s only now, in the end, that I realise how lucky I was to have him. He wasn’t perfect, but neither am I, but in this place we found something we had both been searching for—family.

Swallowing hard, I step around to his chair and sit in it, looking out at his office.

It feels wrong sitting here, but I don’t change places.

He wouldn’t mind, and I guess now this is my office too, if what the guard said is true.

Did he really leave The Ring to me? Why didn’t he ever tell me?

Who am I kidding, this is Major, the man had more secrets than even me.

Always a plan working in the background, always a scheme ready to go into play without anyone knowing.

Forcing myself to stop stalling, I open the top drawer on the left.

Inside are some papers and a book but no letter, so I shut it and open the bottom drawer.

This one is a lot deeper and inside is a full, unopened bottle of whiskey, two glasses, and a folded letter with my name on the front.

Taking a deep breath, I pull out the whiskey and the glasses, placing them on the desk before carefully picking up the letter and unfolding it.

It’s a couple of sheets thick, and when I spot Major’s neat, fancy handwriting, I drop it to the desk and cover my face.

Fuck, I don’t think I’m strong enough.

Scrubbing at my face, I reach out with shaking hands, uncork the whiskey, and pour myself a glass.

I throw it back and then reach for the letter again.

Not focusing on the words, I smooth out the cream sheets against the desk, stalling once more.

Come on, man the fuck up, I tell myself, and force my eyes to the top line .

Hi, kid, this is going to be a long one, so open that bottle and pour yourself a drink.

If you are reading this, then I’m gone. I’m sorry. I wish I could have stayed with you forever. I would have liked to have gotten to know this new you and the men at your side.

There are some things I need to tell you and you need to listen. Don’t stop reading just because it hurts, I know you will pretend like it doesn’t, but it will. That’s what the whiskey is for. Pour me a glass, won’t you?

You told me once I wasn’t your father or your friend, I didn’t let you see, but that broke my heart.

I know you were angry, you have every right to be, because I did let you down.

I hope I get a chance to make that right before I die, I hope that I have a chance to win back your trust. You told me today I put my business first, my life first. I wish I could have explained how wrong that is.

You were always my first priority and nothing else mattered but you.

This place? I built it from the ground up to protect you, made it a safe haven for you.

It was the least I could offer while I worked to try and free you.

I need you to know that in case I don’t get to tell you in person. You were the daughter I lost, you were my destiny.

She always believed I was made for more, she believed in that spiritual crap but she was right. I survived it all so I could save you, so I could help you. If it’s the only good thing I do in this world, I can live with that.

I never told you about her, I should have.

You would have loved her, she was so beautiful and fierce, and when she needed me the most, I wasn’t there.

I lost her, kid, I lost her and it broke me.

I was never a good man. I did things, things others would shy away from, but after I lost her, I ceased to care.

I did whatever I wanted and then you came along and it was like being hit by lightning.

In your eyes, I saw that same fierceness, that same fragile beauty, and I knew.

I knew why I had carried on fighting — for you.

By now, you will have heard you are in charge. That was always my plan, I built this place not knowing why, but now I do. It’s for you, it’s your haven. I squandered the peace you found here, but you can make it more. You can make it better. You are the only person I trust in this world, kid.

It’s yours now. Do with it as you wish, keep it a safe haven for the lost and damned like us, or burn it to the ground, whatever you need to do.

I’m sorry I can’t be there to help, leading is hard, I know.

The pressure, the responsibility, the having people’s lives in your hands.

It’s a job I wish on no one, but I know you can do it.

Let me give you some advice to help you on the way .

I know you’re grown, I know you can make your own choices, but I hope you will at least think about what I have to offer.

Not every choice you make will be right, I learned that early on, but it’s how you handle the consequences and outcomes that make you a leader.

You can’t save every life, you just can’t, and sometimes you have to sacrifice a few to save the many. It hurts and you will never forget their names and faces, but it has to be done.

You make the hard choices, trust in those around you to help, but when it comes down to it, trust yourself.

Have a safe place, one to retreat to when the questions, the choices, and the pressure get to be too much. Mine? In here with you.

You thought I was just bringing you here to teach you, to offer you a safe place to hide.

but it worked for me as well. Your presence always helped calm me.

Helped me realise what really mattered and what I was fighting for.

You always asked the best questions and often, in teaching you, I taught myself as well, and found the answers I needed.

You were my safe place, kid, still are. I hope this can be yours as well.

Most of all, life is short. Don’t waste it keeping people away. I shouldn’t have questioned your judgement about these men, I can see how much you care for them and how much they care for you. I just want you to be happy. You deserve it, kid, you deserve to be loved.

So let them. It doesn’t make you weak or any less of a fighter to rely on them. Love them hard and love them fully, and don’t ever let them go. This world can suck that from you in a moment, and life is so fragile, Tazanna. Don’t have regrets like I do.

Oh, and that mad bastard Seeker, he’s alright. I had a little talk with him when you left and we are on the same page now.

He loves you, just like I do. He might be rough around the edges and…well, bat shit crazy, but he really loves you. I’m glad, because it means as I’m writing this, planning for when I’m not here, I know you aren’t alone.

I drop the letter, tears spilling down my cheeks as my heart rips open again.

Hands shaking, I pour myself a drink before hesitating with the bottle in the air, then I pour him one as well.

Fuck, I knew this would be hard, but I wasn’t ready for all this.

Taking a deep breath, I pick up the letter again, forcing myself to read on.

Back to The Ring, my men are yours as is everything here. They will follow you, they will fight with you. Keep them close.

By now I’m betting you are working your way through that bottle, save some for me, won’t you?

I snort then, that bastard, how did he know?