Page 9

CHAPTER 9

SIENNA

It’s been nearly a week since I saw Zander at the park, and I’ve been avoiding it ever since. But today the sun is shining, and I can’t resist this cloudless sky. Zoey’s been saying “sanpit” repeatedly all morning, and I can’t deny her that just because I’m worried about bumping into her father.

Besides, it’s a Thursday. He should be in class or at football practice or whatever a college athlete does on a Thursday.

I push the stroller, gazing down the street and playing the game I always try to avoid. The one where I imagine what I’d be doing if I didn’t get pregnant.

I would have gone to college. I didn’t know what I wanted to study, but the idea of going away to school appealed to me. Dorm life seemed fun. Making friends, hopefully some lifelong connections. But that wasn’t my journey. And I wouldn’t give up Zoey for anything.

I love being a mother .

This surprised me, because I was giving birth to her when I was only eighteen, but the moment she was placed on my chest, the love I felt overpowered everything. She became my world. She still is my world, and I adore her. She’s soothed all my stings and burns. She’s made life beautiful again.

“Sanpit!” she squeals, kicking her legs and giggling as I push the stroller to the edge and put on the brakes. “Sanpit!”

“Yes, we’re here. Sandpit.”

“Sanpit!” She points at it, her blue eyes dancing with excitement.

I can’t help laughing at her adorable face as I unbuckle her and lift her out of the stroller. She’s wiggling out of my arms and hitting that gritty sand within microseconds. I watch her run across the undulating surface and laugh again when she flops down and starts making angels. My nose wrinkles as I briefly lament the state her clothes and hair are going to be in after this, but like my mom always says, “Everything can be washed.”

So, I walk right into the massive sandpit with her and take a seat, helping my daughter make mounds of sand so she can jump on them and destroy them.

I roar and call her Godzilla, which she loves. She doesn’t even know what Godzilla is, but she pounds her chest like a gorilla and roars some more, stomping on the newest pile.

“More, Mommy. More.”

Quickly pushing more sand together, I create a new mountain for her to demolish, and she roars again. I can’t help laughing, and she stops to frown at me .

“Don’t laff. Scawee.” She points at herself.

“Oh yes.” I quickly straighten out my expression and pretend to be afraid. “Don’t eat me, Godzilla.”

“Goziwa!” She roars and I wail, raising my arms to protect myself, then bursting into laughter as she jumps on me and tips us both over into the sand.

She pretends to eat me, smearing her dirty cheek across mine—gross—so I tickle her, and we tussle in the sand for a minute before she wiggles out of my grasp, then jumps to her feet and yells, “Foobawl!”

She points behind me, her expression pure joy and excitement.

“Fooball?” I try to work out what she means, glancing over my shoulder and feeling my breath disintegrate when I spot Zander standing on the edge of the sandpit with his hands in his jean pockets, watching us with glassy eyes.

The desperate look on his face makes my insides crumple.

My first instinct is to snatch Zoey and make a run for it.

But for some reason, I stand up slowly. I brush the sand off my pants and turn to face him. Crossing my arms, I try to steel myself against the instant desire pulsing through me and keep my stance assertive. I will not let him affect me the way he used to.

“What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in class right now?”

“This is more important,” he rasps, staring down at Zoey when she runs over and wraps her arms around my leg. She smiles up at him, and I brush my hand over her curls, wishing my fingers weren’t shaking so badly .

I stare down at the sand between us, willing myself to look up and glare at him.

But I can’t.

Dammit.

“I’ve been searching every park in the area looking for you guys. Every day I come out here. I didn’t know what else to do. Russell wouldn’t tell me where you were.”

“Russell?” My head snaps up. “You spoke to him?”

“Yeah, a couple days ago.” Zander’s eyebrows wrinkle in confusion. “He didn’t tell you?”

I shake my head, my stomach curdling. Why wouldn’t he say anything?

Biting my lips together, I swallow and can’t understand this twinge of guilt pinching at me. I shouldn’t feel guilty. Zander didn’t deserve to know about Zoey. Not after the way he behaved.

But maybe he did.

I glance back up at his face, and those sad, desperate eyes are doing me in.

“Pay?” Zoey lets me go and toddles over to her spade. Holding it out to him, she gives him her best puppy dog eyes and asks again, “Pay?”

“I’d love to play with you.” He smiles down at her, then looks to me, silently pleading for permission.

Oh my gosh, I think he is legit going to cry—something I’ve never seen him do. My heart buckles without my say-so, and before I can stop myself, I’m nodding.

“Thank you,” Zander mouths before crouching in the sand and making my heart bleed.

Zoey hands him the spade and then shows him what to do. He helps her dig some big piles—way bigger than mine—then laughs as she jumps on them, catching her when she topples over and protecting her head. His hands are so big, his arms so strong. Zoey is so safe beside him, and I’m fighting tears as I sit there cross-legged watching the man I swore I never wanted to see again having fun with my daughter.

Our daughter.

I rub my stomach, trying to ease the pain that seems to have lodged itself there.

This is not the Zander I saw at college. This man here is the Zander I fell in love with in high school.

Snapping my eyes shut, I avoid looking, desperately trying to harden my heart against how sweet he’s being with my baby girl. Desperately trying to convince myself that not trying a second time to tell him I was pregnant was the right thing to do.

“It’s Zoey, right?” he asks. “With a y ?”

My eyes snap open and I stare at him. His face is so beautiful, his expression so sweet.

Shit.

“Yeah.” I clear my throat and nod. “Yeah, with a y .”

“It’s a really pretty name. I like it.”

It was the closest girl name I could think to Zander, but I can’t admit that to him.

“Does she have a middle name?”

“Uh, yeah… Beth, for my mom.”

“Nice.” He nods. “Zoey Beth Erling. I like it.”

My expression buckles and I look at the ground again, wondering if it’s hurting him that his last name isn’t attached to her at all.

Zander builds another mound, and Zoey jumps on it with glee, giggling when she falls over. Zander catches her, propping her back on her feet, and she gives him an adoring smile. “Foobawl.”

He laughs. “I’m Zander, but you can call me Football if you want to.”

She giggles, then suddenly takes off toward the swings. Used to her erratic shifts at the playground, I get up and automatically follow her. There’s another boy on her favorite swing, and I want to make sure she doesn’t kick him off. It’s been known to happen.

“This one, Zo.”

“Dis one.” She points to her favorite.

“Someone else is using that one, and you’re not allowed to kick him off.” I give her a pointed look.

She stares back at me, her little chin going up as she points and repeats, “Dis one.”

“It’s this one or nothing, lil’ bug. Otherwise, you’ll just have to be patient and wait for your turn.”

As her face scrunches up in that pout of hers, Zander lets out a laugh and shakes his head. “How cute is she?”

“Adorable,” I agree with him, fighting my own grin.

Her pout is priceless.

“Why don’t you push me while we wait?” Zander tips his head at the vacant swing and walks over to it.

He’s ginormous and looks ridiculous trying to fit on the swing. I can’t help laughing and quickly cover my mouth so he doesn’t know how adorable I think he’s being. Zoey giggles and runs over to him, resting her little hands on his knees.

“Too big.” She laughs. “Too big.” Snatching his wrist, she tries to pull him off, grunting when he won’t move.

“But I want to swing.” He fake pouts .

“Me sing.” She tugs on his arm again, and he stands up so she can climb into the swing seat. He has to help her for the last part, and she lets him while I stand there having open heart surgery.

Moving around behind her, Zander starts to push, and Zoey squeals in delight as she rises up high in the air. He’s going way harder and faster than I ever would, and I nearly tell him to stop, but she’s having so much fun.

I watch them together. Father and daughter.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

If anyone had asked me last week if not telling Zander about his daughter was the right decision, I would have said yes. The last time I saw him, it was obvious he had absolutely no intention of missing me while he was away at college.

I couldn’t interrupt his partying to let him know I was pregnant. What had remained of my tattered heart was completely shredded at the sight of him?—

Snapping my eyes closed, I ward off the images while also trying to justify my decision.

But then his quaking voice has me looking at him again.

“She’s so beautiful.” His eyes glisten as he gazes at me, all the pain I never thought he’d feel shining bright and obvious.

I try to blink away the burn in my eyes and nod. “She is.”

He beckons me with his fingers, and I go without protest. I have no idea why. It’s like I’m being pulled by a magical force I can’t counter.

As soon as I’m standing beside him, watching the back of Zoey’s head as she happily swings, he leans in and murmurs, “She’s mine. She’s my daughter.”

My jaw shakes as I try to clench my chattering teeth together.

And then I make the mistake of looking up at him, and there’s no way I can deny it.