Page 17

CHAPTER 17

SIENNA

It’s been three days since I ran away from Zander, and my emotions have been on a roller coaster ever since. It doesn’t help that I currently have my period and I’m feeling bloated, nauseous, and headachy.

I woke up this morning and instantly knew that today was going to be too much for me, but there was nothing I could do about it.

Russell’s at the hockey arena all day, Mrs. Ward is away visiting her own grandchildren, and it’s not like I can call Zander for help because he’s a college athlete with an insane schedule—from what I’ve researched—and besides, I have no way of getting in touch with him.

And it doesn’t help that I’ve just had the worst phone call with my parents ever. They didn’t even say hi when I answered. Mom just launched into an irate diatribe.

“You went for a walk with Zander Donohue?” She was bristling, her cheeks all red.

I bulged my eyes at her and gasped. “Russell told on me? ”

“He only called because he cares about you, Blue.” Dad’s voice was firm. “Which is a lot more than I can say for that jackass who got you pregnant, then went off and tried to pierce every vagina at Kelsey U.”

“Ewww, Dad!” Why does he always have to describe stuff in such a gross way?

“I can’t believe you spoke with him, let alone went for a walk with him. Sienna, don’t you remember what he did to you?”

“Of course I do, Mom.” I shut my eyes, not wanting to look at them for this painful conversation. “I just… he found out about Zoey, and he deserved some kind of explanation.”

“Well, I hope you gave it to him. In graphic detail!” Dad fumed. “I hope he knows that leaving his door open for his little porn show routine was abhorrent, and he doesn’t deserve to even breathe the same air as our sweet little Zoey!”

Thank God my daughter heard her name, because she came running into my bedroom yelling, “Gammy! Papa!”

She distracted them for me, giggling at the phone while they put on happy voices and asked her how Piggy Watson was doing. She held him up to the camera and started babbling incoherently.

They asked her if she took him to the park, and she told them she played with Foobawl.

Thankfully, they thought she meant the ball and not the person. She kept talking so fast that it was basically impossible to understand her, but my parents acted like they totally knew what she was saying .

I got a ten-minute reprieve before she got bored and wanted to go back to her toy zoo animals.

With a smile and nod, I took the phone back from her, dread rolling through me the second she left the room and my parents kicked back into “lecture mode” like there’d been zero break.

I sat there and took it, my anger at Russell simmering deep and hot. I couldn’t believe he sold me out. What a fucking putz!

I felt kind of bad thinking about him that way, but come on. He’s supposed to be my friend, and he’s talking about me to my parents behind my back.

In the end, my simmering anger started to bubble and brew, and I took it out on my parents.

“Okay, you need to stop! Zander knows about Zoey. It’s out there. And yes, he made big mistakes, but he deserves to at least see his daughter. He has now. Twice! And he was really sweet with her both times. I love my daughter more than anything, and I’m not about to let her get hurt, so can you guys please just trust me!”

That shut them up… mostly.

In the end, they gave me weak nods and forlorn smiles before Mom plunged the knife in deep and hard. She did it in the softest voice, but I still felt every inch of that blade.

“He had such a hold over you in high school. You don’t think straight when you’re around him. You need to be careful, Sienna. Don’t let yourself get caught in his web again. He’ll destroy both you and Zoey if you’re not careful.”

My ears, eyes, and nose were burning by the time she was done, and thank God I had the excuse of a playgroup to get to.

I hung up pretty damn quickly after that and got Zoey ready.

And now I’m standing outside this indoor play center I’ve never been to before and rallying my fraying nerves. Hitching Zoey onto my hip, I open the glass door and hope the other mothers are nice. I don’t think I can handle another lecture today.

When I emailed the organizer of this particular playgroup on Monday, she seemed very pleasant, but I’m trying not to get my hopes up. This could be a total disaster, and I need to prep myself for that.

The yell and squeal of kids playing is the first thing that hits me, followed by the laughter of mothers who are clustered together, sipping coffees and watching their toddlers run around like wild animals. I stand and watch them for a moment, observing the mothers who seem oblivious to their children’s antics and the ones who are up and down, barely stringing two sentences together before they’re racing across the padded floor to break up a fight or rescue their child.

“Pay?” Zoey asks me, blinking her big blue eyes.

“You want to play?”

“Zoey pay.” She nods.

“Okay.” I walk to the counter and pay before unlatching the secured gate. It’s an effort to force my shaking legs inside.

Zoey wiggles out of my arms, and the second she hits the floor, she’s off, racing toward a little boy who’s diving into the ball pit .

“Watch out for other people!” I call after her before she dives in headfirst.

I wince, ready to go over there and check that she didn’t just bash her head, but she pops up a second later, laughing and triumphant. The little boy beside her raises his hands in the air and shouts, “Again!”

“Again!” Zoey mimics him and climbs out of the pit, ready to kamikaze herself back into the sea of balls.

“Looks like fun. Oh, to be a toddler again, right?” A woman beside me laughs, watching the two jump and squeal.

I glance at her and smile, gripping Zoey’s diaper bag. “Is he yours?”

“Yes, that’s Dayton. Or Dynamite. He’ll answer to both.”

She winks at me, and I can’t help a soft laugh. “My girl’s Zoey.”

“And she looks to have just as much energy as mine. Hopefully they’ll tire each other out and nap for hours.” Wiggling her eyebrows, she beckons me over to the table of mothers. “Do you want to come meet everyone?”

“Oh, uh… yeah.”

Her smile is kind as she rubs a hand between my shoulder blades. “I’m Fiona. Just call me Fee, and don’t worry. None of us will bite.”

“Do I really look that nervous?” My laughter is self-deprecating as she drags me across to the table.

“Hey, everyone,” Fiona sings. “We’ve got ourselves a newbie. This is…” She looks at me with an expectant smile.

“Oh, you must be Sienna.” A lady with a short bob stands up and greets me. “I’m so glad you came. Ladies, Sienna’s just moved to town. Her daughter is… two?”

“Yes.” I nod. “Zoey.”

“Oh, I love that name.” One of the mothers points at me. “That name was near the top of my list, but then we went and had a boy, didn’t we.” She rolls her eyes. “ Another boy.”

“Well, you could keep going, Michelle. You might get a girl next time.”

“I’m already up to four.”

“Perfect. The next one will just pop right out.”

The women all start laughing, and I glance around me, feeling so out of place, yet it’s kind of where I belong, right?

I’m a mama just like these women. I might be a decade or so younger than most of them, but this is my place in the world right now. Apparently.

Fiona pulls out a chair for me, and I glance across at the ball pit, checking on Zoey before taking a seat.

“She’ll be fine. We all watch out for each other’s children here, and in about fifteen minutes, we’ll round them up for some group time.”

“If we don’t, they turn feral.” Michelle nods. “Unsupervised play has to be in short bursts, don’t you find?”

I nod, pretending to know what I’m talking about. Zoey doesn’t really have unsupervised play because I’m always there, being her little buddy.

Looking over my shoulder again, I watch her chasing after Dayton and realize that maybe I’m not the little buddy she needs.

Ouch. That hurts.

Turning back to the other women, I try to hide how Zoey’s independence is making me feel. I should be happy for her—being all brave and meeting new friends—but all I can feel is this overwhelming loss. Like if Zoey doesn’t need me, where the hell do I fit into the world?

I’ve never had to ask myself what I want to be, because the choice was taken away from me. And then I realized how much I love being a mother, and… now I have no one to make more babies with.

Russell would make babies with you.

Ew. I can’t even go there.

And I want to have babies with someone I love.

Zander whistles through my mind, my heart betraying me by pining for him just the way I used to. I try to harden myself against the fantasy of him slotting back into my life, like no shit has gone down. We could become a happy little family and?—

It’s not going to happen, so stop imagining it!

“And then Adam goes, ‘Well, how hard can it be?’” The woman across from me puts on a voice, and Michelle gasps.

“No. He did not.”

“He did! I’m telling you, I nearly kneed him right in the balls.”

“What does he think this is, the 1950s?”

“That’s what I said to him.” The woman flicks her hand in the air, then smirks. “And then I told him that if he didn’t think looking after twins all day was such a big deal, then he could do it. So, this week, I’m going away to my mom’s place, and he’s flying solo. I’m making him use three days of his vacation time. Suck it, Stewy!”

More gasps pop out around me and then a chorus of cheers .

I clap along, forcing a smile and checking on Zoey yet again. She’s now crawling through a tunnel that will take her to the steps… that lead to the big slide. Oh man, she’s going to love that. I have to make sure I watch her when she comes down.

Swiveling my body in preparation, I nearly miss the question being fired at me.

“What about you, Sienna? Are you married?”

“Uh… no.” I shake my head. “No husband problems.”

They laugh, but their faces are filled with sympathy.

I turn my back on them and watch Zoey zipping down the slide, loving the way she giggles.

“Good job, Zo!” I shout and hold my thumbs up.

“Fass, Mommy!”

“I know, you went so fast! That’s awesome.”

“Again, again!”

“Yeah, go again. I’ll watch you.”

She beams at me, and my heart floods with that familiar sense of love. She’s so freaking adorable.

“You’re doing so well.” Fiona gives my arm a soft squeeze. “I can’t imagine raising a child on my own.”

“Oh, I’m not completely alone. My parents have been hugely supportive, and I live with a friend now who helps me a lot.”

“Still not quite the same.” Michelle’s smile is sad. “I bet you really miss her father some days.”

My smile dies while Fiona softly reprimands her friend.

“Michelle. That’s not really our business.”

“Sorry. I was trying to be understanding. Dads are such an important part of a child’s life, and I don’t know what I would do without Jonathan. He’s my harbor, you know? And I’m just sad for you that you don’t have that. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s…” I shake my head, flashing her an awkward smile before turning back to watch Zoey. My eyes are burning as she zips down that slide, and I force an enthusiastic celebration, rising from my seat and going over to play with her.

I don’t want to be rude, but I can’t sit there listening to stories about husbands and how great or terrible they are. I don’t want to be reminded of how important dads are in a child’s life.

Zoey has Russell and my father… and Russell’s father. She has plenty of men around her.

Just not the one you really, truly want her to have.

Shit. I didn’t even know I wanted it until I saw him again.

I’d convinced myself that he was a heartless, soulless, man-whore asshole.

But then he’d seen us, he’d sought us out, he’d played with Zoey in the sandpit and pushed her on the swing. He kept pursuing this thing.

He wants in.

But I’m so afraid to let him.

I fight tears for the rest of the playgroup. The moms are nice enough to “not notice,” and Zoey is having too much fun to be aware that Mommy’s having a bad day. So, I stay the entire time, even hugging Fiona before I leave. Michelle gives me another abashed smile as I walk out the door and force a little bounce in my step.

Zoey’s due for a nap in about an hour. I could just go right home, but I figure we’ve got enough time to head to the store. Zoey’s in high spirits after her fun playing session. She ended up interacting with all the kids during the group activities. She loved the games and songs. I’m going to have to take her again… even though I don’t particularly want to go. The harborless freak that I am.

Oh stop, she wasn’t trying to be mean.

I struggle to counter my emotions with a little logic, but it’s not really working today. Stupid period.

Finding a parking space across the street, I lift Zoey out of the car and use the crosswalk. No more sneaky jaywalking when you’ve got a kid you have to set an example for. I bounce her on my hip, making her laugh all the way to the grocery store. It’s located between the Nolan U campus and Russell’s house, and it’s my go-to. I’m starting to memorize the aisles and know where things are. It definitely makes shopping quicker, which is always a good thing.

The bell above the door dings as we walk through, and I set Zoey on the floor. Grabbing a basket, I take her hand and remind her, “Stay close to Mommy, please.”

She doesn’t reply, and I squeeze her hand, glancing down at her. Looking up with an impish grin, she melts my heart, and we walk down the first aisle together, collecting the things I need before heading for the refrigerated section.

Zoey lets go of my hand, holding on to my leg as I try to find her favorite flavor of yogurt. There’s no point buying the stuff she doesn’t like. I’ll just end up throwing those pouches away.

“Blueberry,” I murmur. “Come on, where are you? Please have a couple. Even just one will do.” Reaching for the back, I move the pouches aside, quickly checking each of them until I come up empty-handed .

Dammit.

“Zoey, you’re going to have to have a different flavor this afternoon. Should we try banana?” I glance down for a response, and my heart goes cold. “Zoey?”

Shit. Where did she go?

Glancing around me, I berate myself for not noticing that she’d let go of my leg.

“Zoey!” I call, dashing down the closest aisle and looking around me. “Zoey, come on, baby. Now is not the time for hide-and-seek.”

I try to remind myself that she’s done this to me before.

She thought it was hilarious.

And thankfully, I heard her giggling and was able to find her quickly.

I pause, straining my ears to hear…

But nothing.

Nothing!

“Zo-ey!” I try to sing her name, seeing if that will coax her out, but it gets me no results.

I start a systematic search, heading from the cold section down toward the cereal aisle. And with each minute that passes, my panic starts to grow until I’m running down the next aisle in a blind rush and barreling straight into a concrete wall.

A hand darts out to catch me, long fingers that I know so well wrapping around my arm to stop me falling.

“Hey. Are you okay?” His husky voice is in full play, and I respond the only way I can…

I burst into tears.