Page 53

CHAPTER 53

ZANDER

My phone clatters onto the table as I drop it next to my lunch tray. Still no reply from Sienna. I left my final message last night, and all I can do now is wait. I won’t hound her. She needs time to process, right?

But then Fuckwit Russell dropped my car off this morning. Found me just before I was about to walk into class and dumped the keys in my hand with a punchable smirk. “It’s in the lot behind Athletes Hall. Have a nice life.”

He didn’t mean that last part, and all I could do was stand there, gripping my keys and hating myself some more. Part of me wanted to chase him down and ask how Sienna was doing, but he wouldn’t have told me anything anyway.

Fuck. I’ve lost her for good.

With a soft groan, I bury my head in my hands, forgetting that I’m surrounded by my teammates. A hand lands on my shoulder, giving it a light squeeze .

“I’m sorry, man. It sucks.” Grady tries to commiserate with me, but what does he know? His relationship with Teah is fucking perfect.

A foot nudges me under the table. “Snap out of it, dude. Focus on football.”

Because that’s Carson’s answer to everything. And girls and parties and booze.

Yeah, well, I’m not going down that road again.

Not that any of them understand why I’m so uptight about that shit.

Fuck. I would do anything to erase my past. Not all of it, just that shitty-ass year where I became someone I didn’t even know and?—

“Zander.”

My head pops up, the last voice I expected to hear cutting through my internal wailing.

“Sienna?” I blink, wondering for a second if she’s an apparition.

She’s standing on the other side of the table, her eyes bright and fiery, her mouth set in a determined line.

“We need to talk. Whatever you have going on, cancel it. I don’t care if it’s class or practice or what. Get out of it now, because this is really important.”

Holy shit.

She has never spoken to me like this before. It’s sexy as fuck.

It makes me want to jump up from the table and follow her like a well-trained police dog.

But why is she here?

To kick me in the nuts or forgive me?

To torture the truth out of me or tell me it’s okay ?

Would you fucking man up and go with her! She deserves the truth.

With a thick swallow, I nod and stand, my tray rattling when I accidentally kick the table with my knee.

Grady and Carson watch me like hawks as I stand and straighten my shirt. I glance at my best friend, who gives me a short nod and mutters, “Got you covered, bruh.”

“Thanks,” I croak, my eyes darting past Carson, who’s shaking his head and looking annoyed.

Ignoring him, I walk down the line of tables, Sienna parallel to me on the other side. Her gaze is like a laser beam, and I’m seriously fried by the time we reach the door.

“Let’s go to my car,” I murmur, my insides writhing as we walk in silence to the parking lot.

I open the door for her, and she slips into the passenger seat while I walk around to the driver’s door. My heart is pounding. I’m not sure where to go. She probably doesn’t want to head back to my place, and I don’t really want to sit here talking while curious students walk past, so I start the engine and drive to the other side of campus, heading behind the hockey arena to a wooded area that hardly anyone comes to.

Pulling the car to a stop near a grove of trees, I glance around and notice we’re the only ones here. It actually kind of feels like we’re the only people on Earth right now, and that’s a good thing. Because what Sienna wants to say is going to weigh a fucking ton, and I don’t need an audience.

As soon as the engine stops, I unclip my seat belt and start fidgeting with my watch strap. We haven’t said a fucking word to each other since she appeared in the hall, and I’m dying.

Sienna’s always got something to say.

And now she’s quiet.

And I can’t handle it, so I softly croak, “Did you get my messages?”

She shakes her head. “I haven’t checked them.”

“Oh.” I work my jaw to the side. “So… uh… what are you?—”

“Monica called.” She sniffs, and then her eyes land right on me.

Damn, she’s so beautiful I can hardly breathe sometimes. Those eyes are so bright and blue, staring at me with this addictive fire.

I can’t let her go.

I can’t lose her.

Clenching my jaw, I nod and run my fingers across the top of the steering wheel before gripping it tightly. “I’m guessing she told you… everything.”

“Yeah.” Sienna clears her throat and sniffs again. “My big question is… why didn’t you? Why didn’t you stop me on Saturday and explain everything? I walked away believing you were a rapist.”

My face buckles and I wish I had something eloquent to say, but all I’ve got left is the raw, ugly truth. There’s no more hiding right now. I just have to let her in and suffer the consequences. “I was so ashamed.”

“But why? You saved that girl.”

I wince, my throat swelling up tight, making my words quiet and thin. “She was probably just one of many. What if I knew and just didn’t want to see it? How many girls got roofied and raped because I didn’t want to rock the boat? Because I was angry and hurting and just wanted to get lost? I used the excuse of partying and fitting in and ‘this is the way it’s done… this is what I have to do if I want to get game time.’ But what fucking bullshit!”

I slam the wheel, tortured in a way that’s almost physical.

My chest hurts.

My knuckles feel like they’re about to pop through my skin.

“I gave you up.” My voice cracks. “I lost you. And I turned into a total shit. I spiraled, and I’m so ashamed of the person I became. I’d do anything to erase that year of my life. I deserved so much worse than a night in jail and a few broken ribs.”

“They broke your ribs?” Sienna reaches for me like the injuries are fresh.

I lean away from her, not wanting her to touch me. I don’t deserve her touch. I don’t deserve fucking anything!

“They were just fractured,” I mutter.

“Assholes,” she hisses and shakes her head. “They were the ones who deserved to be in jail. You didn’t do anything wrong. You saved her!”

A cold bleakness travels through me as I repeat my point. “But who didn’t I save?”

“Zander.” She tips her head. “You can’t torture yourself that way. If you’d figured it out earlier, you would have acted earlier.”

I shake my head, wanting to believe her but not sure if I can. So many parties. So much booze. I got wasted so many times .

“Hey.” Sienna’s hand is soft as she cups my cheek and guides me to look at her. “You need to forgive yourself.”

Her eyes, so blue and kind.

God, I love her so much.

“Sure, you were a train wreck that year. But you’re not anymore. And even back then, when you were making shitty decisions, the real you was still buried underneath, and it shone through when it needed to. Zander, you are good. You’re a good man, and you need let yourself off the hook.”

“How?” I rasp. “I’ve got a daughter now, and if anything like that ever happened to her…” Fear chokes me blind, and the tears I was holding back suddenly spring forth.

Sweet Zoey, my precious girl.

The thought of someone abusing her, scaring her, taking advantage of her body… a broken jaw would be the least of their worries.

“It won’t happen to her.” Sienna shifts in her seat, leaning over the handbrake and practically sitting on my lap. “Zander, listen to me.” She holds either side of me face, her eyes bright with conviction. “You won’t let anything like that happen to her.”

“But it could. So easily. Those girls… that girl. She’s someone’s daughter.”

“And I bet her father is really grateful for you.”

Her words stop me short. I gaze back at her beautiful face and can’t breathe.

“You saved his daughter. And you’ll keep your own safe.” Her smile is watery as she brushes her thumbs across my cheeks, wiping my tears away. “You’re a good father, Zander. And I’m sorry that I denied you the first few years of her life. I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to let you know.”

And now her voice is wobbling, tears lining her lashes.

We can’t both be crying. My heart’s completely slain already. This will end me.

“Don’t cry,” I whisper, practically begging her. “I forgive you, okay? I get it. After what you saw me doing… I… get it.”

“I’m sorry,” she mouths, and I shake my head again.

“You don’t have to be sorry. I’m the one who’s sorry. I gave you the best reason to walk away, and I’ll regret that forever.”

“Please don’t,” she whispers. “You’re here now.”

“And I’m not leaving you again,” I promise. “I really want to be the best dad I can for Zoey. The best man I can for you. I just wish I hadn’t…” I let out a shaky sigh. “I want to change the past so bad. If I hadn’t left you… If we’d just stayed together…”

Her sniff is delicate as she nods and sucks in a shaky breath. “We can’t change any of that. All we can do is take what we have now and do the best we can with it.” Lifting her leg, she straddles me.

I push the chair back as far as it will go, settling her on my lap and running my hand up to her neck. I need to touch her soft skin, feel her closeness.

“Let’s make a deal.” She licks her lips, and I nod, willing to agree to anything. “I’ll stop running away every time I get hurt or scared. I’ll stay. I’ll talk it through. I’ll answer your calls.”

I smile at her.

“But you have to promise that you’ll be honest with me. Every time. No matter how shitty the truth is. You have to talk to me, Zander. Let me in.”

“I will,” I croak, cupping the back of her head and looking her right in the eye. “I love you, and I promise I won’t hold back anymore.”

Her eyes glisten as she smiles. “And I won’t run. I’ll stay. Forever.”