Page 20

CHAPTER 20

ZANDER

Zoey holds Wily’s and my hands the whole way to the ice cream parlor and demands swings the entire way.

“Okay, last one,” I tell her for the third time. “One, two, three…”

“Go!” she yells, then starts giggling as Wily and I fire her into the air, her little feet flying high as she swings between us.

The kid is fearless, that’s for sure. The higher we go, the harder she giggles.

And the words “more” and “again”—yeah, I think they’re her favorites.

Sienna shuffles along behind us, looking kind of dazed. I wish I knew what she was thinking. Losing Zoey really rattled her… or is it the fact that I bought her a box of Nerds? I hadn’t planned on it, but when I was waiting at the counter for my turn, I spotted them and my brain shot me back to the first time she tried to woo me with her weird-ass candy .

To me, Nerds are gross, but man, did she try her best to convince me otherwise.

She spent most of our relationship doing it, even coaxing me to suck them out of her belly button.

That’s probably the only time I liked them—when I could lick them off her body.

Damn, I miss her body.

Glancing over my shoulder, I quickly skim it, wondering if having a baby has changed it at all. It certainly doesn’t look like it.

She’s fire.

She always has been.

I imagine she always will be.

Why the fuck did I break up with her again?

It’s impossible to remember as I wait in the ice cream parlor line beside her… as I watch her be a mommy.

“One scoop.” She holds up her finger. “Your choice is the flavor. That’s it.”

“Okay.” Wily picks Zoey up so she can look at the flavors.

“Chokee, stawbee, nanilla!”

“One scoop, babe,” Sienna reminds her, trying not to laugh as she looks at me and shakes her head. “One flavor. How about chocolate?”

Zoey shakes her head, her little face puckering as she scans the selection.

“My favorite is s’mores,” I tell her. “Have you tried that one? It’s got marshmallows in it.”

Her eyes light like a Christmas tree, and she starts squealing. “Mores, mores, mores!”

The guy behind the counter laughs. “Cup or cone? ”

“Cone, please,” Sienna responds. “And make it like a kiddy size serving, please. I still have to get her down for a nap this afternoon.”

“Got it.” The man winks at her, and I can’t help my frown.

I don’t like other guys winking at my woman. That’s my job.

She’s not your woman, Zander.

The reminder is a short, sharp uppercut to the balls, and I step sideways, trying to distance myself from my biggest temptation.

Once we’re all loaded up with ice cream, we take a seat in the round booth and neatly lick our cones while Zoey paints her face… and fingers… and shirt with ice cream.

I can’t help laughing as I watch her. “I was just the same. I don’t think there is one photo of me as a toddler where I don’t have some kind of stain or mud or smear across my face and clothes.”

“Really?” Sienna whips around to look at me. “I was wondering where she got that from.” Her voice dies down to a soft whisper. “She’s the messiest kid.”

The mood at the table drops by a few degrees as Sienna’s brain goes I don’t where, and I sit there shredded by the mere fact that I’ve been denied my own flesh and blood.

“Hey, who wants to ride the pony over there?” Wily points behind him, and Zoey abandons the last of her ice cream, dumping the soggy cone on the table and scrambling out of the booth.

“Me! Me! Zoey ride it. ”

“Okay, come on, you messy lil’ monster.” Wily races her to the pony, and we watch her gleefully prance after the blond giant.

He lets her win, and I shoot a smile at Sienna.

“He’s great.” She laughs. “Is he one of your roommates?”

“Yeah.” I nod. “There are five of us.”

“Wow. You must live in a big house.”

“Yep. It’s an old frat house, but it’s all colonial style, you know? I don’t know exactly when it was built, but it’s gotta be early 1900s.”

“That’s pretty cool. I’m glad you live with good guys.” She nods, her smile genuine, and all I can do is stare at her, drinking in those blue eyes of hers and wishing that I hadn’t fucked things up so badly.

Her chin bunches and she looks at the table, giving up on her half-eaten ice cream and pushing it aside.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.” She sighs, rubs her forehead, and looks everything but okay. “I think I’m still a little shook. Today’s been a really shitty one. I’ve got my period and was already emotional, and then Zoey goes missing and—” She suddenly stops talking, her swallow thick and audible. “And it makes me wonder if I can cope without my parents the way I said I could.” Her expression buckles. “I went to this playgroup today, and I am the youngest by… years. I felt so out of my depth and like I didn’t fit at all. But I have to go back, right? Because Zoey needs to play with kids her own age. I never really had that. You know the settled upbringing that you got? I want that for her. I want her to feel secure and safe and be able to make connections. But it’s hard, you know? And when I’m fe eling this way, I just want… I want…” She sighs. “I don’t know what the hell I want.”

Her defeated mumble hurts me for reasons I can’t explain, and it takes everything in me not to reach across the table and take her hand.

I want that so badly, but I’m worried it’ll just make her retreat.

So, I swallow the gravel in my throat and try to make her feel better. “At least you have Russell, right? You like living with him?”

Fuck, I hate that guy’s name in my mouth. Asshole.

“Yeah.” Her shoulder hitches as her lips curl into a small smile. “Rusty’s great.”

Acid burns my throat, but I keep asking because I obviously like torturing myself. “So, what’s the deal with you and him?”

Her gaze snaps in my direction. “What do you mean?

“I mean, are you guys…” I work my jaw to the side. “Are you guys like living together? Or do you just live in the same house?”

She narrows her eyes, and I squirm in my seat while she rests her chin in her hand and tries to read me. “What do you think?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking.” My voice sharpens with agitation at the idea that she’s found a special someone. A someone who’s not me.

What the fuck is wrong with you? You should want her to be happy.

I hunch over, staring at the table and trying to ignore the reprimand I’m giving myself.

“Zander, Russell has always been like a brother to me. That hasn’t changed.” Glancing up, I watch her lips twitch. “He’s just been nice enough to let us stay with him while my parents are away. And he’s great with Zoey. She seriously adores him.”

My chest keeps hurting, but I try not to let it show.

“He wouldn’t have lost her today,” Sienna mutters, and screw my no hand-holding rule. I reach for her fingers, needing to comfort her even in the smallest way.

“Hey.” I give them a gentle squeeze until she’s looking at me. “That was not your fault. She took off on you.”

Sienna starts blinking, her chin bunching again like she’s seconds away from crying. “It scared the shit out of me. Zoey getting kidnapped is my greatest fear. The thought of someone taking her or hurting her, scaring her, holding her against her will… and I can’t reach her or help her…” She sucks in a ragged breath, her hand trembling as she rests it against her forehead. “It terrifies me.”

“I understand. The thought is harrowing. But I’m around now. Whether you like it or not, I’m staying in my daughter’s life, and I will do anything to protect her…” I hold Sienna’s chin, encouraging her to look at me. “And you.”

She stares at me, her blue eyes so round and beautiful.

I lose all the power from my voice as I track my eyes across her face. “You know you’ve gotten even prettier, right?”

Her blush is instant, her voice breaking as she leans away from me, pulling her fingers out of my grasp and sniffing. “You look at me like I still mean something to you.”

“You do.” I’m horrified by the idea that she would ever think otherwise .

With a slow shake of her head, I watch her eyes glass over and feel like dying a little on the inside when she whispers, “But you let me go so easily.”

My lips part, and I wish I had something cool to say. Something that would erase all this shit and make it better. But I’ve got nothing.

And then she goes and keeps talking, driving this spiked ball of regret and pain even deeper into my chest.

“I could never get over you.” Her lips form an awkward, watery smile, and I can sense she’s about to lose the battle with her tears. “You haunt me every day, because I have this beautiful girl who I love so much, and she looks just like you.” The first tears spill out of her eyes as she snivels and rasps, “It’s not fair. I had no chance.”

Her tears are killing me. I quickly reach for them, brushing them off her cheeks with my thumbs and wanting to promise her that I’ll never hurt her again. She needs to know that letting her go wasn’t easy… and I couldn’t even do it in the end. I came back for her!

But I don’t get a chance to say any of that, because Zoey comes bounding back to the table and Sienna jerks away from me, quickly wiping her face and putting on a bright smile.

“Hey, lil’ lovebug. Was that fun?”

“Yup!” Zoey puts her hands on her hips, her little legs spread wide. “Wywee call me cowgewl.”

“He called you a cowgirl? That’s so cool.” Sienna’s face is so animated as she hides all her angst and interacts with her daughter like she hasn’t just broken down in front of me .

I sit there staring at her, amazed by how incredible she is, then laughing when Zoey mimics Wily’s “Yeehaw!”

The sweet girl with ice cream plastered all over her gives me the cutest grin, and I know without a doubt that I’m going to love her for the rest of my life.

Which is why I have to fix things with her mother.