Page 7

CHAPTER 7

SIENNA

I sit on the floor, staring at the blocks Zoey’s playing with until they’re a blur in front of me. My daughter is stacking the colored pieces of wood, then using the toy hammer to smash her tower down. She’s having a blast, and usually I’d be laughing along with her, but today… all I seem capable of is vacant stares.

Snap out of it, Sienna! You have a little girl who deserves your attention!

I blink and force myself to sit up straight, reposition myself cross-legged on the floor, and smile down at Zoey.

“Bang! Cash!” She laughs as the blocks tumble into a messy pile.

“Bang. Crash.” I grin, hoping my voice is bright enough. Hoping I can hide the angst churning my insides to mulch.

Zander’s in Nolan.

Zander saw Zoey.

Zander called me Sparks.

Zander’s still the most gorgeous man on the planet .

Zander, Zander, Zander!

Ugh! I wish I could stop thinking about him, but he’s haunting my dreams, taking over every square inch of my brain.

I don’t know how to shake this.

“Pay squeen?” Zoey looks up at me, rounding her eyes in that puppy dog way she does when she wants something she knows she probably shouldn’t have.

My heart melts, and I don’t have the energy to steel myself against it today.

“Okay, you can have twenty minutes on the iPad. We’ll set a timer, okay?”

“’kay!” She jumps up, her little legs pumping as she runs into my room and grabs my device. I bought an industrial, kid-friendly case as soon as I decided she was old enough to play a few games on it. She’s probably still not old enough, but since moving to Nolan and not having my parents around, I’ve found myself at a loss every now and again… and the iPad has been a lifesaver.

I really need to look into finding some playgroups or toddler classes Zoey and I can participate in. I need some regular things to fill the week. I’ve been here coming up on six weeks, and I can’t use my “settling in” excuse anymore.

And I definitely shouldn’t use my “emotional crisis” one. If anything, playgroups might help distract me from this gnawing dread in my stomach.

Zander’s in Nolan.

He’s in Nolan!

Part of me wants to pack my bags and move. But where the hell would I go?

I don’t want to live alone, which is why I moved in with Russell when he invited me. I’d opened up to his sister, Celeste, about my parents and the cruise and… well, two days later, I got a call from Rusty asking if I wanted to come live with him so my parents could go do their thing. It’s just for six months and it felt like the perfect solution. He’d just moved to a new place, he was needing a little company himself, and it felt like all the stars were aligning.

But what the hell, stars? You completely duped me!

They never warned me that my ex would be walking the same streets as I am. No doubt attending the same college Russell is now coaching at. Thank God Zander isn’t a hockey man. The thought of him and Russell ever seeing each other makes my skin crawl.

Yeah, I made the mistake of venting in front of Celeste and Russell one afternoon, and they found out the full story. Russell has seriously hated Zander ever since.

Closing my eyes, I start praying that Russell never finds out Zander is at Nolan U.

Unless he already knows and has just been trying to hide it from me.

Did he know Zander was here when he invited me to stay with him?

Surely not. There’s no way he would have been okay with this.

My stomach churns and writhes, making me feel ill.

“Here go.” Zoey toddles back into the room hugging the iPad to her chest.

“Wait, wait, wait. You have to clean up the blocks first.”

Her bottom lip sticks out in a pout .

“Don’t give me that look. You know how it goes. We pack away before we do something new.”

“But latwer.”

“No.” I shake my head. “If you want to play with these later, you can get them out again.”

Huffing like a bull, Zoey stamps her foot.

I tip my head, feeling calm enough to deal with this right now, but hoping like hell that it doesn’t escalate.

“Zoey, there’s no iPad until you pack these away. I know you don’t like that, but it’s just the way it is. Now, I can help you if you like and it’ll get done faster, or you can stand there stomping your feet and you’ll get less iPad time than you want.”

I’m not sure if she followed all of that—two-year-olds aren’t exactly known for being reasonable—but I smile at her sweetly, hoping she’s picked up enough to understand. Hoping I can avoid a mini meltdown. She’s pretty good at those when she wants to be.

Damn, I should have gotten her to pack the blocks away before I even let her get the iPad.

Rookie mistake, Sienna. Up your game, girl, or it’s gonna be a tough day.

I snort in my mind. A tough day? It already is a tough day.

If I could just shake Zander from my mind, I’d be fine.

I sit there waiting for Zoey to bend, dodging thoughts of my ex and the look on his face when he saw me.

When he no doubt realized that he’d just been gazing at his daughter. Is that why he’d been looking at her, because she was so familiar?

Lightly tucking a curl behind Zoey’s ear, I fight a sudden wave of tears. She does look like her daddy. I can see it in her facial expressions sometimes. In the shape of her mouth. She might have my eyes, but she’s got his chin.

Sucking in a breath, I start packing away the blocks, needing something to do with my hands or I’m gonna lose it!

Zoey huffs and crouches down, collecting blocks and dumping them into the container.

Thank you, God!

We’re done in like two minutes, and I wink at her when she throws the last block in. “Good girl.”

She gives me a proud smile, then climbs up onto the couch. “Mommy come.”

Banging the cushion beside her, she beckons me while I murmur a soft “Please.”

“Peeeease.” She grins, and there goes my heart, melting all over again.

I sit down beside her, and she nestles against me. She’s so soft and adorable. I love her so much my chest aches. Kissing the top of her head, I unlock the iPad and set the twenty-minute timer, and then she opens her favorite game where she gets to match colors. When she gets one right, the game allows her to dress Juniper the giraffe.

“Red,” the iPad says, and Zoey’s little finger moves across the screen, putting the two red icons together. “Well done. Now you can put a red sock on Juniper.”

“Yay,” Zoey squeals and carefully considers which hoof she’s going to cover.

I brush my hand over the top of her curls and pull my phone out of my pocket.

Checking the screen, I don’t see any new notifications from my parents, so I open an internet window and stupidly search for Nolan U Football. You know, because I’m trying not to think about my ex-boyfriend.

The first thing that pops up is the Nolan U Sports Digest : Football Edition. And who should be on the front cover but Zander Donohue himself.

My breath hitches, and I know I have to read the free e-mag whether it kills me or not. The interview comes with a collage of pictures that make me pine for what was lost. He’s so handsome it’s not fair. I love his little chin dimple. I love how sexy he looks holding a football. I love that smile on his face as he sits next to someone I assume is another football player. Reading his answers, it’s obvious this Football Frat place is filled with people he considers family.

I’m glad he’s happy.

No, you’re not! You wanted him to burn in hell, remember?

I cringe as that familiar wave of anger rides through me. I wish I could hold on to it but as I read the article, it won’t cling the way it should. It used to be a black tar that stuck to every surface of my heart, but all I can feel today is a painful, weeping ache. Like my heart is bleeding all over again. My forehead crinkles in confusion as I read his answer about riding the bench his sophomore year just so he could play at Nolan.

Irritation sizzles for a moment. He could have done that at Brighton College, but he chose Kelsey U instead so he’d get more game time. He could have lived thirty minutes down the road from me, but he chose a five-hour drive. He chose to break up with me because long-distance was too hard and… What the hell? He moved to Nolan to ride the bench ?

Why!

A growl reverberates in my chest, and I nearly stop reading. But I, of course, can’t stop myself, especially when the interviewer asks him if he’s ready for some questions from their readers. This should be interesting.

I scan the first one and stop breathing, my eyes rereading his answer to the question about which celebrity he’d like to take out to dinner.

Taylor Swift?

Is he… kidding?

My mind jumps back to the passenger seat of his car as I sat there messing around with the stereo and forcing him to listen to my favorite artist. He tried to deny that he liked her music… at first, but I think I won him over.

There he goes, trying to deny it again. The interviewer is teasing him as he says he only hears it because she’s on the radio all the time.

Interviewer (laughing): You are a total Swiftie!

Zander: This girl I knew in high school adored her and forced me to listen to her music all the time. I guess it grew on me a little.

Interviewer: Which girl?

Zander (swallows): No one you’ll know. Next question .

Holy shit, that’s me. I was that girl!

The girl he doesn’t even want to talk about. The girl who forced him .

I tut, skimming through the interview and barely reading the rest of it. The only other answer I take in is the fact that he wants to inject coffee into his veins. I can’t help wondering what got him addicted to caffeine. He wasn’t a big coffee drinker when we were together.

He wasn’t a lot of things he turned out to be.

I shut off my phone before I’m tempted to go back and read the rest of the article properly. I don’t want to know what else the readers had to ask. More than that, I don’t want to know his answers.

He’s moved on. He has a better life now. Living in this frat-style house with all his buddies, playing football, being captain of the team. It’s everything he wanted.

And there’s no space for me in that life.

There’s definitely no space for Zoey.

Shit!

I run a hand through my hair and fist the back of it. I guess all I can hope for is that I never run into him again.

Zoey and I have managed to avoid him since we’ve been here, right? We can do that again, surely.

Unless he starts looking for you.

He chased you down, called your name.

He’s going to want to know why you’re a mommy.

He can do the math.

He’s not stupid!

Closing my eyes, I sit there fighting off nausea while Zoey plays and cheers herself on… until the timer goes.

“More?” She looks up at me hopefully.

“No, lil’ bug. Time’s up.” Her bottom lip sticks out again, and I’m so close to tears right now, I’m not sure how I’ll cope if she decides to get all stubborn and huffy on me.

I can’t lose it in front of her.

A wave of unexpected panic surges through me, and I seriously need to burn off this angst or poor Zoey is going to cop it.

“Hey, do you want to go play with Mrs. Ward so Mommy can go for a run?”

“Cookies!” Zoey raises her hands in the air, and I can’t help a soft laugh as I grab my phone and call the babysitter Russell helped me find.

She’s the mother of one of the other assistant coaches, and she’s quickly become Zoey’s surrogate grandmother while my parents are away. They clicked within about two seconds, and every time Zoey goes there to play, they end up baking cookies.

“Hello,” she answers in a bright voice. “Is this my favorite little chef calling me?”

I laugh. “She’s a keen jellybean. Any chance you can do a short babysitting stint so I can go for a run?”

“Oh, I’d love that. Let me get the kitchen ready. I’ll see you shortly.”

“Thank you. You’re an angel.”

“It’s my total pleasure, darling girl. Believe me.” Her laughter is merry and instantly puts me in a better mood.

Within fifteen minutes, I’m unbuckling Zoey from her car seat, and then we’re walking up the front path. Mrs. Ward gives out hugs with her effervescent laughter and shoos me away to go have some “me time.”

Zoey is so happy to be there, she barely even notices my kiss to the top of her head .

Slipping out the front door, I set my exercise app to go and jog to the sidewalk, then turn left and find my usual ambling pace is much faster today.

And I go with it.

Because maybe if I run fast enough, I can shake off these haunting memories. I can outrun these ugly feelings in my chest and sweat out this pining ache that won’t seem to stop plaguing me no matter how hard I try.