Page 13

CHAPTER 13

SIENNA

My fingers tap on my keyboard as I do a little research on playgroups in the local area. I promised Mom that I would, and I know she’s right. Zoey needs to learn to play with children her own age, and I can’t keep delaying just because I don’t feel like hanging out with a bunch of moms who are older and more mature than I am.

“This isn’t about you, Sienna. It’s about Zoey.”

And of course Mom’s right.

I cut everyone off when I was pregnant, too heartbroken and… I don’t know, ashamed? Too fragile to have to explain why I was keeping the baby or why I didn’t want Zander to be a part of it. Too vulnerable to walk the halls of my high school with a growing belly. I couldn’t do it. So, I ran. And my parents sheltered me and kept me safe through it all.

At the time, it felt so right.

But now I’m a single mother with no friends. Except for Russell and his sisters. But do they even count? They’re more like cousins .

Crap. If I’m not careful, my daughter will grow up the same way I did—with a total inability to make long-term connections because she’s never sure when she’ll be leaving, moving on to the next country and big adventure.

That was why my parents wanted to stay in Everett until I graduated. But we hadn’t counted on me falling in love, then getting pregnant and having my heart shattered into a thousand tiny pieces.

In that sense, life on the road is a million times safer.

But do I really want that for Zoey?

I had a long chat with my parents last night while I secretly watched the Nolan U Cougars win their home game. I knew it was a bad idea to watch the game, but I couldn’t help myself. Seeing Zander in action was a thing of beauty and only amplified my angst and heartache. But do you think I could switch the TV off?

Russell had been out at some hockey coaches’ dinner thing. Zoey was asleep, and… I couldn’t help myself.

Thankfully, my parents called halfway through the game, and so my concentration was split, which seemed to help.

The game ended before I wrapped up the call, and I managed to keep Zander’s existence at Nolan U a secret—which is a miracle, because I usually tell my parents everything.… but I just can’t tell them about this.

They went from loving that boy to hating him. And I doubt they’d be too happy about the fact that I let Zander play with Zoey the other day. When I explained why I didn’t think Zander should be a part of Zoey’s life, they wholeheartedly agreed with me.

But seeing him with Zoey, watching them play together… I’ve been plagued by doubts. Maybe Zander isn’t the guy he was at Kelsey U. Maybe he’s changed. Maybe the boy I fell in love with is still in there somewhere.

And if that’s the case… doesn’t Zoey deserve to get to know him? Because that boy was?—

A knock at the door has me pausing my search.

I glance across the table at Russell, who’s been hunched over his computer ever since Zoey went down for a nap. He tired her out on the jungle gym, and she fell asleep on his shoulder as we walked home. It was kinda cute. He’s still got stains on his shirt from her messy face.

Glancing over his shoulder, he stares at the front door, obviously confused by who would be intruding on our quiet Sunday afternoon. I look toward the hallway, listening out for Zoey, but the knock hasn’t woken her. Thank goodness. She needs the sleep.

“I’ll get it,” Russell murmurs, rising from his chair and walking to the door while I click on the top search link and try not to eavesdrop.

But it’s impossible when Russell’s voice rises with a sharp “You were supposed to call first. I only agreed with Coach Jones because he said you were going to be mature about this.”

“I have tried calling,” a man snaps back, and I tense, my spine pinging straight as I recognize Zander’s voice. “It’s pretty hard to make an appointment to come here when you won’t answer your damn phone.”

Russell huffs. “How did you find out where I live?”

“I asked around.”

“You shouldn’t be here. ”

“I need to see her.”

“She’s not yours to see!”

“You know she is! Now stop getting in my way, because I am not giving up, you understand me? This is my daughter, and I won’t just walk away because you’ve told me to.”

“I’m the closest thing she’s got to a father, and I’m just trying to protect her,” Russell thunders back, and I lurch out of my seat, rushing around the table to intercept this disaster. “I don’t want you waltzing into her life and fucking it up!”

“And why would I do that?”

“You can’t help yourself. I heard all about how you treated Sienna, and I won’t?—”

“Okay!” I spring up behind Russell, catching Zander’s eye and feeling my insides melt and sizzle.

Shit, why does he have to have such beautiful eyes? And that face. He’s still so hot and handsome, and my body is igniting just the way it used to in high school. A luscious shiver runs through me as I watch him grip the back of his neck, his bicep curling beneath his T-shirt sleeve.

I attempt to pull myself together and bring a little calm into the situation. “Hi, Zander.”

“Hey.” His expression softens the second I speak, and it’s hard to keep my guard up when he looks at me like that. “I’m sorry to just show up unannounced, but I’m getting kind of desperate here. We need to talk. You know we need to talk.”

My head’s bobbing before I can stop it. “Yeah, I know. ”

“What?” Russell barks. “No, you don’t.” Lightly holding my arm, he stops me from grabbing my shoes. “Sienna, you don’t owe this guy anything.”

With a soft sigh, I look up at Russell. “I want to talk to him. It’s only fair.”

“Fair? You want to talk about fair?”

Closing my eyes, I shake free of his hold and softly murmur, “Please. Just… I’m going to take a walk with him. Once around the block. That’s it, okay? We’ll talk, and then I’ll be back. It’s going to be fine.”

Russell snorts like a bull before muttering, “You chose not to tell him for a reason. Don’t forget that.”

Wincing, I snatch my Converse off the shoe rack and quickly pull them on.

Russell glares at Zander the entire time, and it’s so freaking awkward. My fingers are trembling as I try to tie my shoes, making me slower than normal. I glance up and catch Zander watching me. He gives me a soft smile, and it helps me take a breath.

“Call me when Zoey wakes up?” I glance at Russell, who gives me a stiff nod, then sends another dark glare at Zander, who takes the look with a stoic calm that’s all kinds of sexy.

Dammit.

Why does he have to be so gorgeous all the time?

Trying to rustle up my anger is so much harder when he’s standing there like that in his baseball cap, fitted jeans, and Nolan U Cougars T-shirt. Even though the cotton is loose around his torso, I can still make out his impressive shape, and my insides are quivering at the idea of just how taut and hot those muscles I can’t see are .

God, help me!

Grabbing my shades, I shove them on, grateful that it’s sunny. I need the protection as I amble along beside him.

Talk. We’re going to talk.

I don’t know what the hell we’re going to say, but I’m guessing he’s still looking for an explanation as to why I shut him out. Can I honestly explain it to him? I don’t even want to think about that awful day. Ugly memories taunt me, making my stomach surge as I glance up at Zander’s face.

His jaw is clenched, his hands shoved into his jeans pockets as we walk next to each other. I think he’s gotten taller. He’s definitely gotten musclier. There’s a power to him—maybe a confidence?—that he didn’t have before, and I can’t help being attracted to it.

No wonder the girls all love him.

A bitter spike drives through my chest and I cross my arms, wondering if this walk is the worst idea ever. But I couldn’t have Russell and Zander yelling at each other and waking up Zoey.

I huff and glance at him. “So, are we going to talk or not?”

He looks down at me and sighs. “I don’t know how to start. I have so many questions, and I don’t even know where to begin.”

“Just ask, and I’ll tell you what I can.” My voice is clipped, and I’m sure he can feel the waves of animosity I can’t help firing his way.

Argh, these feelings are like whiplash. From attraction to guilt to hate-fire. I wish I could just pick one and hold on to it, but I’m all over the place .

“Okay… um…” He pulls the bill of his ball cap a little lower. “How was your pregnancy?”

I blink, surprised by the question. I thought he was about to start badgering me about why I kept Zoey a secret.

I’m actually kind of relieved that it’s an easy enough question to answer. “Uh…” I let out a soft laugh. “It was horrible. I threw up constantly for about twenty weeks.”

“No way.” He hisses and looks kind of concerned.

I glance away so I can finish the next part. “I felt nauseous for basically the whole pregnancy. Zoey grew well, though. She was healthy.”

“But were you okay?” The tender lilt to his voice makes my chest spasm.

Keeping my eyes straight ahead, I shrug and murmur, “I survived, and… it was worth it. The second she was born, I felt so amazing. She lit me up, you know?”

I glance his way, unable to contain my grin.

His lips curve at the edges, like he’s about to smile, but his eyes are steeped in sadness. “Did she kick and squirm when she was in your belly? What was she like when she was born? I bet she was so tiny. Did she have any hair? Were her eyes blue like they are now?”

Shit. All these little details I didn’t think he cared about.

But look at his face. He wants to know everything.

Guilt hammers me as I nod, then shake my head. “I mean, she kicked a little. She wasn’t a big mover. She’s making up for that now.” I tip my head with a soft laugh. “She’s like the Energizer Bunny some days.”

“I can imagine.”

“And she was tiny when she was born, but her lungs were definitely strong. She had a little hair, and yes, her eyes were the most brilliant blue.”

“Just like yours,” he whispers.

I look back at the ground, unable to cope with the wistful look on his face. I deprived him, and he knows it.

Pulling out my phone, I stop on the sidewalk and find some photos from Zoey’s first few weeks. His breath catches when I show him the first one, and then he drinks in the rest, flipping through the photos until I can’t take it anymore.

“Okay.” I grab my phone out of his hand and tuck it away.

He looks bereft, and I want to tell him that I’ll send them all to him, but the thought of having his contact details in my phone is freaking me out. I got rid of my last one so he couldn’t call me anymore… and now I just want to let him back into my life?

It would be so easy, Sienna. Just give him your number.

I clench my jaw and pick up my pace.

Zander jogs a couple steps to catch up with me. He’s looking kind of pale, a muscle working in his jaw before he says in a husky voice, “Those photos are… amazing. She’s cute. Always has been. Even on the day she was born.”

“Yeah.” I nod, my throat feeling thick and gummy.

“And the birth went okay?”

My shoulder hitches. “It was okay, I suppose. She came out in one piece.”

“And you?”

A broken laugh shoots out of me. “Worst pain of my life. Thought I was going to die. Screamed the walls down. Nearly broke my dad’s hand. Told Mom I couldn’t do it and it’d be better if Zoey just stayed in there. You know…” My nose wrinkles as I glance up at him. “It was great.”

His laughter is breathy, his expression crumbling. “Damn, Sparks. You’re amazing.”

I look away from him. I can’t see what his eyes are doing right now. It’s too dangerous. If he’s looking at me the way his voice sounds, I’m going to melt into a puddle at his feet.

And I want to beg him to never call me Sparks again… but I can’t, because the idea kills me.

With a loud sniff, I cross my arms and keep staring forward. There’s a coffee cart across the street just ahead of us, and I lurch toward it. “Let’s get a drink. I read that you’re addicted to coffee, so let’s get you an afternoon fix.”

“You what? When?” He pulls me to a stop before I walk out in front of a car I didn’t even see.

I flush, my skin electrified by his touch. His fingers curve around the crook of my elbow, and I can’t help glancing down at his hold on me. It’s so familiar yet so new at the same time.

“Uh, sorry.” He lets me go. “Didn’t want you getting run over.”

“Thanks,” I murmur, then check the street three times before crossing.

Pulling out my phone, I order an iced tea and make sure I pay for myself as well. I don’t want him treating me to anything right now. He gives me a sad smile before ordering his coffee, and we wait beside the cart, staring out at the people milling around the park.

“When did you read about me?” he asks again, his deep, husky voice sending tendrils of pleasure down my spine.

I stiffen my back, trying to counter it. “In the Nolan U Sports Digest .” I shrug and make the mistake of glancing at him.

His lips are curling up at the corners, like he’s stoked that I checked him out.

With a little scowl, I add, “I didn’t finish the whole article, but I skimmed to the end and saw your answer about coffee.”

“Right.”

His disappointment gives me a spike of satisfaction until I start feeling bad and have to mutter, “So, Taylor Swift, huh? Nice choice.”

“You still addicted to her music?”

I can hear the smile in his voice and have to glance up at him again. Dammit. I’ve always loved his grin.

Biting my lips together, I nod, hoping I’m not blushing. “Yep. She’s still the best.”

“She is.”

I snort at his agreement. “But it’s not like you’re going to admit that to anyone, right?”

“I’ll admit it to you.” He shrugs. “And only you.”

My heart trills, and my stupid body can’t help but turn to face him. My mind is being overstuffed with all the times we used to listen to Taylor together. She filled his car and so many spaces we spent time together. She was the soundtrack to our love story, and I’ve tortured myself with her music over and over again.

And now he’s standing right in front of me, gazing down at my face like he’s feeling all the same things .

“Remember City of Rocks National Reserve?” he whispers, and I suddenly realize I can’t do this.

I can’t walk down memory lane.

I can’t be here with this man who I loved so freaking much.

This man who will always own the biggest piece of my heart.