Page 35

CHAPTER 35

SIENNA

Dreams of Zander kept me entertained through the night, and I was already buzzing to see him by the time Zoey woke me. I couldn’t wait for the afternoon to roll around so we could visit him again.

Getting up with a yawn and a stretch, I pull my pajama shorts down so I’m not exposing the curve of my butt and head into the hallway. Russell has already collected Zoey from her crib and is dancing around the kitchen singing with her in his arms.

She’s giggling, resting her head on his shoulder and looking all kinds of cute with her messy bed hair. Her pink-and-purple dinosaur pajamas just add to the whole effect, and my heart blooms with affection.

Until Russell murmurs, “Dada’s gonna make you pancakes, okay?”

“Pancakes!”

“Hey, nicely said. You’re getting so good with your words, honey. Dada’s proud of you. ”

Zoey smiles at him while my stomach twists into a tight knot.

“Morning, Uncle Rusty.” I enunciate his name with more clarity than I ever have, giving him a tight smile as I breeze into the kitchen and speak to my daughter. “Is Uncle Rusty going to make you pancakes?”

“Yeah. Unca Russy.” She rests her head on his shoulder again, and now my stomach is trembling.

At least she got his name right, though.

I’m really not loving his Dada bullshit, and I need to shut that down.

But that might naturally happen now that her real father is becoming a part of her life again.

“Pancakes, pancakes!” Zoey bobs in Russell’s arms.

My roommate winks at me, passing Zoey over before pulling ingredients out of the pantry.

“How was the game last night?” I ask as Zoey wriggles out of my arms.

I place her on the ground, and she runs to the toys she was playing with before bedtime. The plastic dolls and animals bump together as she pulls them out of the toy box and sets up an imaginary scene.

Keeping my eyes on her, I half listen to his rundown of the hockey team’s away game.

They lost, unfortunately, and his recount gets a little snippy.

“If they’d done it like I told them to at practice…” He shakes his head.

I flash him a quick grin. “That’s not always possible. You never know what the other team is going to do, and they have to respond in the moment. ”

“Yeah, but I still think Bergeron is too soft on them. If I was head coach, I’d run a much tighter ship.”

I raise my eyebrows, wondering what the players think of that. He probably hasn’t said anything, but I can imagine he doesn’t mind acting like head coach sometimes, and for a guy who’s only a few years older than the senior players, I can’t see that going over too well.

“If the players would just respect what I have to say a little more, then we wouldn’t have had those screwups yesterday.” He tuts. “I’ll be having a word with them at practice tomorrow.”

I nod and figure changing the subject to something more upbeat is a better way to lead into my news.

Cracking an egg into the bowl, I wait for him to add the milk, then start whisking them together. He sifts the flour, sugar, salt, and baking powder into a separate bowl while I worry my lip.

“So, what did you guys get up to while I was away? You cope okay without me?”

I laugh at his little wink and assure him. “We were fine.”

“Foobawl!” Zoey calls from her spot on the floor.

Whipping my head to look at her, I bulge my eyes with a silent “be quiet!” but she’s two! It’s not like she can read my mind.

“You played football?” Russell laughs. “How? We don’t even own one.” Then he glances at me, his eyebrows dipping together. “You didn’t buy her a football, did you? You know I want her to play hockey.”

There goes my stomach, twisting all over again.

“That’d be up to her.” I give him a firm look. “She can play whatever sport she wants. ”

“Yeah, just not football.” His frown deepens. “Thank God she’s a girl.”

I can’t help a soft scoff. “Girls can play football if they want to.”

He snickers and shakes his head. “You’re so cute.”

Oh yeah? Well, I’m quickly feeling very un-cute and starting to get pissed at your sexist ass!

I wish I could say that to him, but I bite my lips together and hold it all in. I’m trying to keep things calm and light so I can tell him I’m back together with a man he hates for hurting me.

And yes, I appreciate that. But Zander and I have worked it out now, and he’s not going to hurt me again. Just like I won’t hurt him.

We’re moving forward, and it’d be unfair not to let Russell know.

“So, um…” I push my big toe into the kitchen floor and gaze down at my purple nail polish while butter sizzles in the frying pan and Russell gets ready to pour the pancake mixture.

“So, um, what?” He forms a beautifully round pancake before turning to me with an affectionate smile. “You missed me, didn’t you?”

“I…” Before I can even reply, he moves into my space, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me close. To say I feel kind of vulnerable in my skimpy shoestring pajama top is an understatement. I pull the neckline up to cover my boobs a little better and rest my hand on his chest, lightly pushing him away.

He doesn’t seem to notice. He’s too busy staring down at my face while I try to avoid direct eye contact. “I really missed you too. I know I’m going to hate every away game. I mean, I was even wondering if I can arrange for you guys to come next time, you know?”

“I… um… I wouldn’t want to disrupt your routine. Or Zoey’s,” I quickly add, lightly nudging him back. “Is the pancake ready to flip?”

He glances over his shoulder. “Not quite yet.”

My subtle attempts to get him off me aren’t working, and I force another smile, wishing he’d let me go but not wanting to hurt his feelings either.

Ugh. The look on his face right now.

He seriously did miss me, and I’m suddenly super worried that it’s in a very different way than I will ever miss him.

“Russell…” I let out a breath.

“Sienna,” he whispers, leaning in like he’s going to kiss me.

“Pancake!” I jerk away from him, lurching out of his arms and grabbing the spatula off the bench. “It’s ready for flipping.” My voice is high, my laughter deranged as I shove the spatula under the pancake and totally break it.

“It’s not quite ready.” Russell leans in behind me, wrapping his fingers around mine and helping me flip it.

Shit. This is bad.

You need to say something!

His breath skims my neck, and I lean away from him, glancing over my shoulder and inwardly shuddering at the affectionate glint in his eye. Until his eyebrows pucker and he reaches for my pajama top.

I slap my hand over the neckline, but he flicks my fingers away, hooking his finger into the fabric and pulling it to the side.

“What’s that?” He slowly spins me around so he can look at my skin. “Is that…?” His lips flatline, his eyes hardening as he stares at the top of my breast, obviously confused. “Is that a hickey?”

“Um.” I glance down at Zander’s mark and quickly cover it back up.

“Who gave you a hickey?”

“What’s hickee?” Zoey wanders into the room with a plastic elephant in one hand and a curious look on her face.

“Uh… nothing.” I jerk my eyes to Russell, who glares right back at me. “Does Mr. Elephant need a friend?” I point at the toy in her hand. “Why don’t you see if you can line up five animals for me?” I hold up my hand, wiggling my fingers and desperately trying to buy myself some time.

Zoey looks at her fingers and wiggles them, then nods. “Five amimals. ’Kay.” With a little skip, she hurries back to her toys and gets to work.

She’s still only just learning to count, so it might take her a minute. That’s all I can hope.

“Russell.” I turn to my roommate.

He’s standing at the stove, smacking the first pancake onto the plate with a growl. “Who gave you that, Sienna?”

“Look, I planned to talk to you about this today.”

“Sienna, who?” He spins, his agitated glare making me shrink away from him.

I look to the floor and softly mumble, “Zander.”

There’s an awful, ugly pause that makes my skin prickle before he seethes, “What?”

Clearing my throat, I lift my chin and try to appear braver than I feel. I knew he was going to hate this, but his expression right now is making me queasy. “Zander and I worked things out.”

“What the fuck?” His anger is being overridden by this horrified confusion. “You can’t be serious.”

“He came over on Friday, and we had a long talk. We managed to clear the air on a lot of things, and…” My lips twitch as my insides turn just a little mushy. “And now we’re back together.”

“Here?” Russell points to the floor. “He came here? To my house?”

“Well, I mean?—”

“He gave you that in my house!” He points at my chest.

I place my hand over my cotton shirt, pressing it close to my skin.

“You had sex with him, didn’t you?” Throwing the spatula into the sink, Russell leans against the counter like he needs support.

I swallow and struggle to figure out how I’m going to smooth things over.

Spinning back around, he gives me an incredulous glare and raises his voice a little higher. “I can’t believe you had sex with that prick in my house!”

“Russell, please.” I raise my hand, glancing into the living room to make sure Zoey’s okay. She’s looking our way, obviously confused by the fact that one of her favorite people is so angry. I spin back to try and placate him. “This is a good thing. I know you’re mad about the way he treated me, but he’s apologized. He wants to make up for the lost time, and… I want that too. He’s the love of my life.”

“Why?” Russell looks disgusted by the very idea. “The guy completely betrayed you. I can’t believe you’re even willing to trust him again. He’s gonna hurt you. He’ll cheat on you or he’ll leave you, or something will happen that will break your heart all over again, and I can’t watch that happen.”

“He’s not going to hurt me like that again. He loves me. He loves Zoey. He’s her father.”

“Well, he shouldn’t be!” Russell’s eyes flash. “He doesn’t deserve her. He doesn’t deserve you!” His voice breaks as he snatches the pan off the stovetop and throws that in the sink as well.

It makes a noisy clatter and I flinch, crossing my arms, resisting the urge to bolt from the room.

“I’m the closest thing to a father Zoey’s ever had. It should be me! Not him. Me!” He slaps his chest, then throws his arms wide. “God, how could you do that, Sienna?”

He looks completely wrecked, and I don’t know what to say.

An uncomfortable minute ticks by that feels more like a millennium as I stand in the kitchen, curling my toes on the cold kitchen floor while he clenches his jaw and keeps shaking his head.

Zoey patters in, raising her arms for me to pick her up.

I hold her close, drawing comfort from her soft cheek against mine. She plays with my hair at the nape of my neck, and I stare across the room at Russell.

He lets out a huff, gripping the counter behind him and muttering, “Look, this is my house. And I know you live here, too, but I should get a say in what goes on under my roof, and that guy is not spending any more nights here. In fact, you’re not seeing him.”

“What?” I can’t stop a surprised laugh popping out of me. “Russell, you can’t…” I laugh again, shaking my head. “You can’t say that to me. I can see whoever I want.”

His nostrils flare as he gives me more headshaking and huffing.

I stand up a little straighter, a sudden spike of anger making my voice terse. “You’re not the boss of me, and… I can’t believe you’re acting this way. You’re treating me like a naughty teenager or something. I mean, I know you don’t like him, but?—”

“That’s right.” He moves like a snake, darting across the room, getting up in my face. Zoey clings to my neck, hiding her face while Russell spurts a little venom on me. “I don’t like him. I despise him for the way he treated you. I mean, what the hell? Who the fuck leaves you?”

“Russell.” I bulge my eyes at him. I don’t like him talking this way around Zoey, so I cover her ears, giving him an urgent “Shh.”

“You’re making a huge mistake.” He waves his finger at me. “And Zoey will end up paying the price for your selfish, sex-crazed, emotional behavior!”

Emotional? He thinks I’m being emotional?

I have never seen this side of Russell before, and I seriously do not like it.

Flashing my eyes at him, I start rubbing Zoey’s back. She’s whimpering against my shoulder. I hate that Russell is scaring her. She can feel the angry tension in the room, and I need to get her out of here.

“I’m gonna… go.” I move to leave the kitchen. “Give you time to cool off. ”

He snatches my arm before I can leave.

I gasp in fright, his strong fingers digging into my skin.

“Great, so you’re just going to walk out on this conversation? Real mature, Sienna.”

The way he spits my name makes me want to slap him, and it takes everything in me not to bite back. By some miracle, I keep my tone calm and even. It helps that Zoey is quietly crying against my neck. I refuse to raise my voice around her and scare her even more than Russell has.

Licking my lips, I softly reply, “This isn’t a conversation. This is you getting annoyed at me for no good reason. I haven’t done anything wrong, and you can’t control me like this. Now let me go.”

“I’m just trying to protect you from your own idiocy and keep Zoey safe. You’re not thinking straight. You’re not thinking about her well-being!”

“I know what I’m doing, Russell. And she’s my daughter. Not yours.”

My words are an obvious blow, and he reels away from me like I just slapped him.

His chest heaves as he glares back at me and hisses, “You’re gonna regret this.”

I sigh and shake his hand off my arm.

“You will. And then you’ll be back on my doorstep, crying and looking for help.” Tapping his forehead, he looks like a slightly crazed version of the boy I grew up with. The one I always looked up to like an older brother. The guy who has helped me out so many times in the past.

But this version ?

I don’t know him… at all.

“You need to start using your head and stop following your emotional, brainless heart. You’re wasting your time with him.”

“That’s my decision to make,” I hiss, hating how much this is rattling me.

Spinning out of the kitchen, I storm to Zoey’s room, but Russell follows me, bleating on about what a loser Zander is. Zoey starts to cry harder, and I decide to bail on getting us changed. Instead, I push past Russell to the front door, snatching the stroller and wrestling Zoey into it.

I don’t even know where the car keys are right now. I just want to get out of this house!

Zoey’s wailing incoherently, and Russell’s still shouting.

I shove my sneakers on and unbolt the front door.

“No,” Russell barks, snatching the stroller handle. “She’s hungry. Leave her here.”

“What?” I throw him a horrified glare.

“If you’re making stupid decisions like this, she’s better off with me.”

“You’re insane.” I throw the door open and yank the stroller out of his grasp before wrestling it down the front steps and hitting the curb with a bump.

Zoey gets jostles and cries a little louder while Russell stands at the front door yelling at me.

“You can’t just take her away from this safe haven. Where the hell are you gonna go? To him? To that football frat?” He spits out the words with such derision, and now I’m fighting my own tears as I push the stroller away from him .

“How could you be so selfish, Sienna? You’re a shitty mother!”

Zoey lets out another loud wail and starts sobbing about elephants and “amimals.”

“Amimals!” she screams and kicks her legs while I lose the battle with my tears and start running with the stroller, trying to get as much distance between me and Russell as possible.

Shit, I must look insane, running down the street in my Tweety Bird pajamas with a wailing baby.

As soon as I round the corner, I slow to a shuffle and try to pull myself together.

I don’t want to be a shitty mother.

I want to do what’s right for Zoey, and Russell’s venom and accusations have completely thrown me.

Jerking the stroller to a stop, I crouch down and unearth a Vitamin C lollipop from Zoey’s diaper bug. Hardly a healthy breakfast, but it might stop her crying. Unwrapping it with shaking fingers, I hand it over, and she pops it into her mouth with a soft whimper.

I clean up her face with a tissue and find the blanket I was supposed to wash. It’s got a big stain on the front, but I wrap it around her legs, making sure she’s warm enough as a breeze whistles through my skimpy pajamas.

Shit, it’s cold this morning, but like hell I’m going back.

Reaching under the stroller, I rustle through the diaper bag and realize I left the better stocked one at Russell’s. It’s got everything in it, including my wallet and phone… and probably my car keys.

“Shit,” I whisper under my breath, running my fingers through Zoey’s curls and stressing over what to do .

It’s still kind of early. Will Zander mind if I just show up unannounced?

He didn’t seem to the other day.

Just do it, Sen. You need him… and so does Zoey.

I glance down at my daughter. She’s stopped crying now, her big blue eyes staring up at me with all the trust in the world.

“Hey, should we go see Daddy?”

She blinks and doesn’t say anything.

“Football. Football’s your daddy.”

It’s a lot for the poor little thing to take in, but she pulls the lollipop out of her mouth and softly murmurs, “Foobawl.”

“You wanna go see him and Wily?”

She nods, sticking the lollipop back into her mouth and resting her head on the edge of the stroller.

I kiss the top of her head, reminding her how much I love her before pushing her toward Football Frat and hoping I’m not making as big a mistake as Russell is convinced I am.