Page 79 of The Deviation

Maybe not, but here we are. Maybe it was inevitable from that first night. From the second his stare prickled across my skin and our gazes met. Our need for each other was always going to lead us here. “I can’t say I wish we’d done things differently.Because I wouldn’t give up a moment of what we’ve had, not for anything.”

His hand tightens on mine and when he looks up, I glimpse the panic in his eyes. “You say that like you’re breaking up with me.”

“I’m not,” I tell him. “I’m not letting you go entirely.” I mean it. I want to be with him, more than anything. But… “I’m going to need some time. To sort my shit out and find a new job. Besides, you’ve got business to take care of with the band.”

As if on cue, a buzz sounds from his pocket. Swearing quietly, he pulls out his phone and reads the notification. “It’s Ned. He’s called everyone. They’re meeting up at Gavin’s house.”

This is it. Fifth Circle’s first meeting without me in almost a year. Will Charmaine and Toni be there? I wonder if they’ll gather around the dining table, drinking iced tea while they hash out their next steps. The steps they’ll take without me.

“You need to go.” I try to push away, but Johnny’s arms circle around me, dragging me closer.

“This isn’t over,” he whispers, his breath hot on my face. “I will fight for you.”

“Fight for yourself.” I press my lips against his, giving him what little I have left. “We’ll figure the rest out later.”

He stares into my eyes for a long moment. “I love you.”

A tremulous smile fights to overthrow my frown. “I love you, too. Everything is gonna be okay.”

The words are for me as much as him. Because it doesn’t matter how much I understand his need to move on without me. It doesn’t matter that I’m pushing him to do exactly that.

It still fucking hurts.

I want to scream and rage at him for doing this. For leaving me behind. Even as I push him to go, I want him to stay. I want him to choose me.

But I refuse to hurt him like that. I won’t lash out the way I’ve done in the past. This anger I feel will live and die with me. He deserves none of it.

“I’ll be back as soon as I’ve talked to the guys,” he says as we move towards the door.

“No, please.” I shake my head. “Give me a few days to wrap my head around everything. Just let me know how the meeting goes on Friday morning.”

I open the door, and he crosses the threshold before looking back at me. “They’re trying to take you away from us, Cal,” he says in a low voice. “They’ll have a goddamned war on their hands.”

“Don’t do anything rash. I’m sure you and Rush can work something out.”

“Yeah,” he mutters, distractedly. “Something like that.” He presses one more harsh kiss against my lips before he’s gone, the list still held tight in his hand.

Closing the door, I manage a couple of steps towards the couch before my knees give out. I sink to the floor, my vision blurring and my mouth open in silent agony. The room around me flickers in and out, switching between this and another room—empty of furniture, but crammed full of fear.

This can’t be happening. I can’t be here again.

I want to scream, but nothing comes out. My body strains, writhes, grappling with the knowledge of all that I had and have lost.

Heaving a half dozen breaths, I sit up and then stagger back to my feet. Wallowing will get me nowhere and there’s work to be done.

I need to take care of myself and my sister. The same way I always do.

THIRTY-TWO

______

JOHNNY

It’s after ten by the time I arrive at Gavin’s house and this may be the most surreal night of my life. Coming out to my parents, deciding to leave my ‘real’ career behind, being the cause of Calum’s worst fear coming true… it’s all a blur inside my head. By rights I should be drowning in guilt or confusion. Instead, my mind is clear, and a steely determination burns through my veins.

I have to make this right.

Walking out of Cal’s apartment, when I could see the hurt and doubt eating at him, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I would have stayed if I thought it would do any good. I would have held him, raged for him, proclaimed my devotion in any way he wished to hear it. But words of reassurance mean nothing to Calum. How can they? His most basic trust in those who claim to love him is shattered.