Page 75 of The Deviation
These are questions I’ve been asking myself for months. I have workable answers for all of them. “I have plenty of savings to tide me over, and if I need to, I can get part-time work. Something that works around the band’s schedule.” I pause to look each of them in the eyes. “This isn’t a spontaneous decision, I promise, but it is the right decision for me.”
Mum cries out in frustration. “I can’t believe you would throw away everything we’ve given you so you can be fawned over by girls and gallivant around on stage.” My body tenses at her words, at the tears spilling down her cheeks, at her crossed arms and hunched posture.
My jaw is tight when I respond. “If you took the time to listen to my music, you would know that’s not true.”
“It’s cruel, John,” she goes on, as if I never spoke. “It’s selfish.”
A year ago, I would have agreed with her. I would have backed down in the face of her distress. For so long, the very idea of going against my parents’ wishes felt like turning my back on them. An insult to the sacrifices they made in order to have me and raise me. Being with Cal has taught me a new way of looking at myself. I’ve come to realise I owe something to myself as well. If I don’t do this, I’ll always wonder how far I could have gone. What I could have achieved if I gave myself this chance? This is not selfishness. I deserve to know the best of who I really am, not the worst of who someone else, anybody else, wants me to be.
“I’m so grateful to both of you for everything you’ve done for me,” I tell them, keeping my gaze fixed on a breadcrumb that’s fallen on the table between them. “There are a lot of other things I’m grateful for as well. I’m moving forwards in a career I love and I’m so good at it.” They don’t see it, they never did, but I believe it’s true. “I’m doing it with my best friends in the world. We make music that moves people to sing, and dance, and feel. Every second of that makes me so much happier than I’ve everbeen at the pharmacy. I’m so much moreme.” I blink back the moisture forming behind my own eyes. My hands are shaking, and I’m terrified they’ll never accept this, but I push on anyway. “I know now, this is what I’m meant to do. I’m at peace with myself for the first time in my life, and I… I’ve met—” Fuck, I’m not ready for this. I should stop now. Tell them the rest later, when they’ve had time to get over the shock I’ve already given them.
Or I tell them now. I tell them and I trust them to love me anyway. They’re my parents. They loved me first and they’ve loved me longest. I have to believe that will win out over everything else.
I clear my throat. Shift in my seat. Clasp my hands together in my lap. “I’ve met someone. I’ve fallen in love.”
My parents stare at me in shock. Mum gives a short laugh that falls somewhere between exasperation and relief. “Why didn’t you tell us?”
“I wasn’t sure you’d approve.”
She collapses back in her chair. “Oh, dear god. She’s not a musician too, is she?”
Lowering my gaze, I shake my head. “No.He’snot a musician, but he does work in the industry.”
In the silence that follows I risk looking up at them. Their matching expressions of baffled confusion would be humorous if my place in this family wasn’t on the line.
“He?” Dad says in a curt tone. “What do you mean he?”
Tension rolls through me and I fight to keep any defensiveness out of my tone. “I’m in love with a man. His name is Calum. I’m bisexual.”
“Since when?” Mum cries.
“Since always.” I pause, swallow. I hope I don’t throw up. “I’ve known since I was seventeen.” Both their mouths open, but I know what’s coming and I beat them to the punch. “Yes, Ellieknew. No, it had nothing to do with our divorce,” I say in a firm tone. “That’s all I have to say on the topic.”
They glance at each other in total bewilderment. I hate putting so much on them all at once, but at least the air between us will finally be clear. What happens next is up to them.
“Ten years, John,” Dad says in a hoarse voice. “You’ve known for ten years. Why did you hide this from us for so long?”
In an instant my throat feels thick and I’m struggling to breathe. “Because I didn’t want to see the look in your eyes. The one you have right now.” I gesture to both of them. “I didn’t want to be a disappointment. I didn’t want you to regret having me.” I swipe at my eyes, cursing my lack of control. “I still don’t want that.”
“Why would you ever think that.” Mum’s voice is softer than expected, and it brings me closer to the edge. “After all we went through to have you. You’re our little miracle, you know that.”
A bitter laugh escapes as I shake my head. “Any kid would have been a miracle. It’s not like there weren’t any other viable embryos created when you did IVF. Each one a unique combination of your DNA. There had to have been at least a couple of future doctors. Children who would have been what you hoped for and made you proud. They wouldn’t have gotten divorced within three years of the wedding. Or insisted on a profession that makes you cringe.” My whole body trembles as I finally release my greatest fear. “For whatever reason, I’m the one who was born. I don’t want you to regret ending up withme.” My hands claw at my chest as my vision blurs. “I’m not a miracle. I’m your greatest mistake.”
“No.” Mum stands from her chair, rushing to put her arms around me. “That’s not true.”
I turn into her warmth, clinging tight to her small frame.
“John, look at me.” Dad’s voice is gruff, and I have to force myself to face him. “You are our son. Our only son. Our belovedson.” He nods, as if satisfied he’s pressed the point enough. “That’s why we argue with you, because we want what’s best for you.”
I pull free of Mum’s arms. She sits back down, still holding my hand. “I want what’s best for me, too. But it’s time for me to decide what that looks like. I want you to be a part of the new life I’m building for myself, I really do, but I need you to accept me for who I am. Even if I’m not who you want me to be.”
Mum tuts before heaving a sigh. “You haven’t given us much choice.”
“No.” My tone is firm, but my heart is hopeful. “The choices are mine now.”
They exchange another long glance.
Finally, Dad turns back to me. His arms are crossed, and his frown is thunderous. I dread the words he’ll use when he opens his mouth to speak. “When do we meet this man you say you’re in love with?”