Page 12 of The Deviation
“Because I was horny,” he snaps. “I wish I had a better reason, but there it is. I’m not after a relationship. I just wanted to get laid for the first time in freaking forever and for whatever reason everything from my brain to my dick to the soles of my feet chose you.” He gestures to me with sharp movements. “I didn’t know what would happen, or if anything would happen at all. When you asked the question, I figured I could at least talk to you, and that would be enough. Then my lie wouldn’t matter.”
“Except we didn’t just talk. Did we, Johnny?”
We both fall silent, staring at each other, and every ounce of the heat that erupted between us when we kissed is right there in his eyes—burning me alive.
“No one saw us.” The husky note in his voice tells me he’s as affected by the memory as I am. “You don’t have to worry.”
He’s probably right. It’s unlikely anything calamitous will come from this. But if he thinks I’m going to thank him for taking a half-arsed glance around before sticking his tongue down my throat he’s going to be waiting a long time.
The silence between us lengthens, until Johnny breaks it with a heavy sigh. “So, I guess this is it, then.”
“You think?” The panic is gone now, and the anger is fading, leaving irritation behind. Gripping tight to the itchy restlessnessof it, I take my own quick glance around before stepping closer to him. His eyes widen at my approach, but he doesn’t back away.
Good. I want this last hit of him. It hurts, but it hurts so damned good.
I want him to hurt more.
“The one thing I’m glad about,” I tell him in a low, harsh voice, “is that I will always be the first man who tasted you.” The banked fire erupts inside his gaze and his lips part in an invitation he can’t help but give. “I’m ever so glad you will go home wondering what else I could have done to you, would have done. You’ll wonder until your balls are a deep, achy blue.” He sways towards me. I evade him, but only just. “You’ll lie in bed at night and think about how close I am, a few minutes’ drive away. And you’ll know that if you come to me, if you beg me to give you what you want…” This is the moment I edge closer, until he gasps in anticipation. “I will turn you away.”
It takes a bit for Johnny’s lust-addled brain to catch up with my words. Then he jerks in surprise, hurt flashing in his gaze before it falls away. Neither of us move, desire arcs in the meagre space between us with sharp, painful jolts.
I clench my teeth to stop myself from taking the words back. What good would it do? This song, short though it was, has already hit its climax; we’re mere notes away from the fade out.
“You’re right, I will think about you,” he says in a low voice. “But I’ll never be sorry we met. Even though I did the wrong thing, and you cursed me with blue balls, which I deserve.” His mouth betrays a hint of smile, a sign my meanness has been forgiven. “I’ll never be sorry you were my first kiss, Calum.” He licks his lips, as if he can still taste me. “Never that.”
He turns and walks away, leaving me to stand there in the darkness at the edge of the festival grounds, painfully hard and desperately alone.
After the lights and the people swallow him up, I check my watch. It’s close to midnight. The amphitheatre will soon fall silent. The last of the smaller stages will follow soon after. In seven hours, I’m due back here for another long workday.
As I finally force myself to move in the direction of the exit, I’m overcome by a stark sense of disappointment. I liked Johnny. He was a bright spark in my otherwise responsible and rigid life. Our meeting seemed like serendipity at its best, so full of promise. As it turns out, he only ever intended to use me for sex, anyway.If he ever managed to psych himself up enough to go through with it, I think with a wry smile.
I’m still annoyed at him for lying, but I’m more annoyed at myself… for falling for it. Johnny was just doing what people do, putting his own interests first, other people be damned. I could hardly expect him to go against his own desires for the sake of a stranger he already planned to ditch come sunrise. Trust is a fool’s game, and I should have known better than to hand it over so casually.
At the end of the day, the only person Hannah and I can count on to do right by us, is me. Our parents taught us that, as surely as they taught us to tie our shoelaces, count to ten, and leave them the hell alone whenever possible. It’s not the kind of lesson either of us will ever forget.
SEVEN
______
JOHNNY
Everything is good. The sound check is done. Gavin and Oz are primed and ready to rock. Ned looks horny enough to fuck the whole world and still have jizz to spare—which is his version of pre-performance jitters. All in all, we’re as ready as we’ll ever be for this afternoon’s performance.
If my gaze searches every crowd for a glimpse of ginger, it’s not a problem. Calum was just some guy I met. He was a few hours of my life. My first kiss. Well, my first dude kiss anyway. I could easily kiss dozens of men before I’m done.
Sooner or later, I’m going to be swayed by the lush curves of a woman, anyway. The plump, roundness of breasts. The breathy sound of a feminine moan. That’s what I’m used to, and it’s what my parents expect. They loved Ellie like a daughter and were devastated by our divorce. To turn around now, at the age of twenty-six, and announce I’m bisexual? That would be pushing it. No, ultimately my future lies in the embrace of a woman. Men are nothing more than a blip on my radar.
It doesn’t matter if my fingers twitch at the thought of Calum’s hard, unyielding muscles. Or if the memory of his groan, all low and rumbly in his chest, sets off sparks in my whole body. If I can’t explore my attraction to men with him, I can do it with somebody else.
The fact it took me most of a year to find him means nothing. The dam is broken now. I’m sure to meet plenty of men I’m attracted to. Losing Calum as an option is not a problem.
The table I’m sitting at shifts as Ned takes a seat opposite me. “How did your mischief making go last night?”
Attempting a casual shrug, I keep my gaze on the scarred and dirty table. “Not as well as I hoped.” I’m not keen on giving away the mess I’ve got going on inside me—I’m supposed to be having fun here—but who else can I talk to about this if not my oldest friend? The plastic water bottle I’m holding threatens to crumple as I turn it back and forth, repeatedly screwing and unscrewing the cap. Clearing my throat, I finally blurt out, “Honestly, I thought casual sex would be easier.”
Ned returns my shrug with one of his own. “It can be, but it doesn’t suit everyone. Why push it if it doesn’t feel right to you?”
“Because this is my one chance to—” I stop talking. Ned has no idea I’m attracted to guys. No one in my life does. Ellie was the only person who ever knew, and she wasn’t about to tell anyone. We didn’t set out to keep it a secret. Neither of us had a problem with me being bisexual. We just didn’t tell anyone. It was nobody else’s business.