Page 46 of The Deviation

“Yes.” His lips tremble, caught between smiling and frowning. “We’ll stop, just… not yet. Yeah?”

We stare at each other for a long moment before I nod. His answering smile, though it’s slow to come, is so pure it makes my gut swoop with a flurry of excited butterflies.

“I’ll see you soon, Cal.”

He leaves me standing there, as he always does, hard and aching with my back up against a wall.

NINETEEN

______

JOHNNY

I take the stairs two at a time on the way up to Calum’s apartment. My heart is freaking out inside my chest, even though I know he won’t be home. He mentioned in the band’s group chat this morning he’ll be in meetings at Rush all afternoon. That’s the only reason I’ve taken the risk of coming here.

We’ve done our best to stay away from each other in the last couple of weeks. The moment we shared in the foyer of the recording studio proved how close we are to breaking. One temptation too many will have us both giving in.

Even now, my imagination is going wild at the idea of him opening the door to find me standing here. We’d both be surprised, unprepared, vulnerable. Maybe he would yank me over the threshold, his mouth on mine as the door slammed closed, hiding us from the world. A quiet groan from my own throat snaps me out of my delusion, and I swear under my breath. “Get a grip, Johnny.” Paper crinkles and I look down at the carefully wrapped gift I’m clutching. Cartoon Santa Claus heads smirk up at me, as if amused by how separated from reality I’ve become.

The swapping of gifts for Christmases and birthdays isn’t something we normally do within the band. We decided early on to skip the stress of it all and celebrate the milestones of life by sharing a meal or going to a concert. The time we spend together has always been more important than anything we could find in a store. Which is why I snooped for Cal’s address and came here,rather than handing him the gift when I saw him earlier in the week. If one of the guys had caught me, they would have thought it was weird. They might have asked questions. I don’t want to lie to them anymore than I already have.

I should dump the gift on the welcome mat and make a run for it. Just in case. Except, now I see how exposed his front door is to the other apartments, I’m not sure this is the safest place to leave it. It could get stolen. It’s just a stupid novelty mug with World’s Best Manager printed on it. When I saw it in the gift store it reminded me of Calum, and I couldn’t help but smile. I wanted him to have it, as a token of my appreciation for all he’s done for the band. That’s what I told myself. Really, I like the idea of him using something I gave him every day. He’ll be reminded of me each morning when he takes his first sip of coffee, and I want him thinking of me… relentlessly.

Given our circumstances, I’m pretty sure that means I’m still a selfish prat.

The flick of a lock sounds behind the plain white door and I jump to attention, panic streaking through me.

The door opens a few centimetres, the security chain still attached. “Can I help you?” A young woman stares at me with narrowed green eyes. A riot of ginger curls frames her pale face. She looks so much like her brother, I could have picked her out of a line-up.

“Hi, um…” I glance into the room behind her, but don’t see anyone else. “Calum isn’t home, is he?”

“No.” There’s more staring while she inspects me from head to toe. “Can I take a message?”

“No.” If her response was clipped, mine is closer to a flinch.

Her gaze flits down to the package in my hands.

I thrust it in her direction. “Could you give him this?” The damned thing has caused more angst than it’s worth. “It’s for Christmas.”

“I can see that.” She extends one arm to accept the gift. It’s barely narrow enough to fit through the gap.

“It’s nothing, really. I just wanted…” I have no idea how to finish the sentence. I don’t even know why I’m here.

“Okaaay,” she drawls the word, looking at me like I’m some creeper. She wouldn’t be half wrong. “I’ll make sure he gets it.”

“Right, thanks.” Twisting my lips into an awkward smile, I lift a hand in farewell. “Have a good one, Hannah.”

I’m turning away when she speaks again. “You know my name?”

“Of course.” I gesture to her curls. “The ginger gives you away.” Her eyes roll, but her lips quirk upwards at one corner. “Calum talks about you all the time,” I tell her. Okay, he doesn’t really. Not with the rest of the band. But he used to… with me. I smile at a favourite memory. “I knew your name before I knew his.” It was one of the things that attracted me to Cal as a person, his obvious love for his younger sister.

“Oh,” she whispers, her eyes widening, “you’rethe one.”

I shake my head, frowning. “The one what?”

“I mean, you’re—” She grunts in exasperation before slamming the door in my face. My eyebrows lift, but then I hear the clinking of the security chain before the door opens wide. “You’re Johnny, right?”

Smiling, I offer my hand. “Guilty as charged. It’s great to meet you.”