Page 18 of The Deviation
“It makes you sound like a child,” she snaps. “You act like a child when you use it.”
The words hit me like a slap. I look down at my plate, taking a deep breath. “There are plenty of musicians who go by the name Johnny.”
“John Denver had a dignified name,” Dad points out. “He was one of the most respected musicians of his time.”
My jaw clenches. “So was Johnny Cash.”
Mum makes a tutting sound. “I do wish we’d gotten you piano lessons as a child like we intended.”
“I wanted to learn the guitar.”
“Which you did, and you’ve had a lot of fun with it.” Mum leans forwards again, her face the epitome of concern, though her tone suggests she’s dealing with a particularly petulant toddler. “You’re twenty-six now, John. Don’t you think it’s time to put childish interests aside and focus on the things that really matter?”
Exhaustion washes over me. I’m so tired of this question. My parents have been asking it from the time I turned eighteen. Ellie joined in before we even arrived home from our honeymoon. I know music will never be more than a side hustle for me. I know it will never make my parents proud. But playing Autumn Skies made me happier in one day than I’ll ever be working behind a counter. Yes, pharmacy is a noble profession, but it’s not why my heart beats. I need music. It’s the only part of my life that feels like it belongs to me.
My lack of response has my parents glancing hopefully at each other. Dad picks up his cutlery and returns to eating. “Either way, you’ll have to restrict the time you spend playing guitar when you start dating again,” he says between bites. “You don’t want to make the same mistakes you made with Ellie.”
Mum’s shoulders sag subtly, her eyes heavy with sadness. “It’s such a shame you two couldn’t work things out.”
“She cheated on me and left me.” I flinch at the sound of my raised voice. Picking up my wine glass, I take another gulp before continuing in a quieter tone. “There was no coming back from that.”
“I know but…” Mum sighs, pushing food around on her plate. “Well, there are plenty more fish in the sea and all that.” Straightening, she offers me another bright smile. “Have you met anyone nice?”
Calum.
The name slides into place in my mind, the same way it does a hundred times a day. His taste lingers on the back of my tongue. His rough cheeks prickle the tips of my fingers. The heaviness inside my chest dissolves as tiny bursts of light ricochet around my body. My breath catches and I close my eyes, holding on to the subtle burn as long as I can.
Over the past two months, I’ve learned to welcome the discomfort that comes with memories of that night. Frustrating though it may be, it’s still better than the nothingness inspired by anyone else I try to consider. Despite my efforts to find a man who can take Calum’s place, I have yet to react to anyone the way I did to him. And forget women. My libido seems to have discounted them altogether. It wants dick—one dick in particular—and it won’t let up until it’s satisfied.
Even late at night, when I stroke myself in the privacy of my own bed, all I can fantasise about is hard muscles and large, veined hands. Try as I might to keep the men of my fantasies faceless and nameless, it’s no use. They all have ginger hair.
“No,” I say out loud, my tone rough. “There’s no one.”
I could never tell my parents about Calum, even if things had worked out between us. Their attitude towards my music is bad enough, I can imagine the horror they would betray if I admitted my attraction to men.
My parents aren’t so crass as to be overtly homophobic. On the surface, they have nothing against queer people. They voted in support of same-sex marriage. If they happened across a gay or lesbian couple in their usual social circle, they may even go so far as to befriend them. To show how homophobic they aren’t.
But on a personal level, I’m ninety-nine percent sure they view any sort of queerness in the same way they view unemployment or mental illness—as unseemly business that happens in other people’s families.
Thankfully, this is one area where I know I can come through for them. I’m not gay; I’m bisexual. I already know I can be happy in a monogamous relationship with a woman. By the time I’m ready to put my heart on the line again, I’m certain to have had my fill of men. I’ll find a woman I can love and my parent’s will approve of, and we’ll all be happy. After all they went through for me, and all the ways I’ve fallen short of their hopes and dreams, the least I can do is give them another daughter-in-law. And, one day, grandchildren.
Which means I need to hurry up and find a man to satisfy this growing obsession. No matter what the future holds, I have the right to explore the unknowns of my sexuality in the here and now. It’s time I get out of my own way and do something about it.
TEN
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CALUM
My stomach churns as I sit at the crowded Rush boardroom table. My arms are crossed, and one leg bounces silently beneath the table. At the front of the room, one of my colleagues, Jess, is finishing her progress report. Hired as an intern around the same time as me, Jess was recently promoted after signing her first client. She now has a second in her sights and is beginning negotiations. Her excitement over her latest find is clear, and I’m happy for her. Really happy. Oh, and by the way… fuck my life.
“Excellent work, dear,” Genevieve says with a satisfied nod. “Let me know when the contracts are signed and we can proceed.”
Jess preens under the boss’s approval. With a word of thanks, she logs out of the presentation laptop and quickly gathers her notes. She shoots me a relieved smile as she strides back to her chair. I try to return it, but my face threatens to crack.
At Genevieve’s side, Arthur glances at the agenda and then swings his bored gaze in my direction. “Calum, you’re up.”
My feet drag as I stand and take my position in front of the dozen or so people surrounding the table. I log myself in on the laptop and navigate to where my files are stored on the network. Straightening, I clear my throat in an effort to dislodge my reluctance. “Good morning, everyone. Today I’ll be presenting two bands who are eager to work with us.”