Page 29 of The Deviation
I hold my silence, hoping he’ll share more. He holds his harder.
Finally, he picks up his mug and takes a long sip before returning his focus to me. “About last night…” The change in topic is as obvious as it is necessary.
“Which part?” I ask, forcing some measure of levity into my voice. “The shitty part or the X-rated part?”
“Both, I suppose.” He swallows, his jaw clenching as he meets my gaze. “Johnny, being with you was—”
“A good time,” I rush to interrupt. “A great time, even, but also over.” I appreciate his attempt to let me down easy, but I’d prefer a hard and fast crash so we can move on.
Calum’s eyebrows lift. Catching my furtive gaze, he holds tight. “I was going to say, it was fucking incredible.”
My heart thuds heavily, pushing a flush of blood into my cheeks. “Yeah, it was.” I shift in my seat, sitting up straighter in an attempt to put some distance between our limbs. It’s either that or risk climbing onto his lap to have another go. “But we both know you didn’t come here for me, Calum. You’re here for the band.”
He allows a few moments of silence to elapse, not bothering to fill them with false denials. “It’s my job to sign Fifth Circle as a client for Rush.” His words are quiet, but firm. “This is the kind of opportunity I’ve been working towards since I got there. It willsolidify my position at the company and launch my career as a manager in my own right. I can’t let this pass me by.”
“I don’t want you to,” I assure him. “I actually think it would be a good thing for us to have help dealing with all the behind-the-scenes bullshit. Gavin and Oz are on board, which leaves…”
“Ned.”
I nod, eying off my phone where it continues to brood in silence on the table. “You know, when we were kids there was nothing Ned wanted more than to be a rock star. His bedroom walls were covered in band posters. He could barely hold a conversation without setting part of it to a melody. I remember him almost flunking maths one semester because he got distracted writing song lyrics in the middle of the exam.” I shake my head with a laugh. “The day he left for Sydney, he told me he’d come back famous or die trying. I believed he’d do it, too. I was so jealous.” It had been my choice to stay behind. It seemed like the right thing to do, but… “I wanted so badly to go with him.”
Calum watches me closely. “Why didn’t you?”
“I was already halfway through my pharmacy course at uni. I had my parents to consider. Ellie. I couldn’t drop everything, hurt them like that, to go chasing after a fantasy. But Ned? No power on earth could have held him back.”
A deep frown mars Calum’s brow as he mulls something over in his head. “How much do you know about his relationship with Zac?”
I shake my head. “Only what he told us last night. They were together for eight months, and it ended badly.” Which explains some things but not others, and only knowing part of the story is doing my head in. Leaning forwards, I rest elbows on knees as I try to explain my frustration. “I get Ned being disappointed he didn’t have more success when he worked with Zac. I get their break-up was hard on him. Heartache sucks arse, it reallydoes. But it’s been three years since all that happened. I don’t understand why he’s not over it.” I rake my hands through my hair. “I’m right there beside Ned every time he’s on stage. I know he still wants more. He aches for it. Why not reach out and take it?”
“Wanting something and reaching for it are vastly different things, you of all people know that.” The harshness in Calum’s voice snaps my head in his direction. He’s glaring at me. “Did you miss the way Ned flinched when I said Zac’s name last night? I didn’t. Why do you think I backed off? And fuck you for dismissing his pain like it’s some inconvenience. Which, granted, it is, for both of us. But fuck you, anyway.” He pushes up from the couch, tossing the blanket aside. “Being betrayed by the people who are supposed to love you can wreck you in ways that don’t heal just because the clock keeps ticking.” He grabs his mug and turns to head for the kitchen.
“Cal, wait.” Scrambling upright, I leap over the back of the couch to grab his forearm. He stops, but he doesn’t look at me. The muscles of his jaw tick as he holds himself rigid. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…” What? I’m not even sure what I did wrong, but I know we’re not talking about Ned anymore. “You—”
His gaze snaps to mine, narrowed in warning. I’m not quite there yet.
A second name slips into place behind the first. “And Hannah.”
“Back the fuck off.” He jerks out of my grip, backing away. “My sister and I are none of your concern.”
He’s off again. I follow close behind. “Maybe not, but Ned is my concern.” I stop behind him as he rinses his mug in the sink. “Do you know what happened to him?”
“No. But my point is, neither do you.” He turns to lean back against the sink, his arms crossed. “Here’s what I do know. When it comes to launching artists on a global scale Zac is thebest there is. He has connections I would kill for. He’s also a soulless monster.” His face twists with anger and disgust. “Musicians who put themselves at Zac’s mercy—and they all beg for the chance—end up in one of two ways. They’re household names, or they’re broken.”
Ned is far from being a household name. “Shit.”
“There are rumours,” Calum continues, more quietly, “about what happens sometimes, to the men he takes to his bed. I won’t go into them, if Ned was part of that scene that’s his story to tell, but…” He pauses briefly, waiting for me to drag my attention back to him. “What’s a few years to someone who has to relive their trauma every other nightmare?”
My heart stalls inside my chest. My gut clenches and regret burns through every vein. Everything inside me hurts. For my friend who came home so scared and small it took a year for him to sing a single note. For this man before me who stood up for him when I was being a whiny brat. Because apparently he can see the level of pain in Ned I’ve been blind to all this time. “I had no idea it was so bad,” I whisper, as if that’s some kind of excuse. “He refused to talk about it.”
“Talking about the things that hurt us is hard.” He straightens with a heavy sigh and comes to stand in front of me. “Look, Johnny, here’s the deal. I’m going to fight for Fifth Circle, you can trust me on that. It’s not just about my job, not anymore. I refuse to allow anyone else to get their hands on the four of you. When I have you, I will fight twice as hardforyou. That’s my job.
“Your job,” he continues, prodding my chest with a finger, “is to be there for Ned. I believe you when you say he still wants a career in music. I see it, too. But the fear is the biggest thing in him right now and he needs to know you have his back, no matter what. Whatever demons he’s facing, he doesn’t want to do it alone. I know I didn’t.”
The hurt in him is a palpable thing. His green eyes are bright with it. It presses his lips into a thin line and furrows his brow. My mouth opens to ask questions I know I shouldn’t. It’s none of my business and getting closer to this man is not allowed, but I have to know. “Cal—”
A ping sounds from the next room. My phone.
Our eyes widen as we stare at each other. Then I’m running. Stumbling around the couch. Banging my shin on the table. I’m still swearing a blue streak when I grab the phone and unlock it. My heart lurches. “It’s Ned,” I call, but Calum is already at my side.