Page 37 of The Deviation
I get into my car and slam the door closed. “Fuck.” Starting the engine, I follow Johnny’s taillights down the driveway. “Goddamn, fuckity fuck.” It is a monumentally bad idea for Johnny and me to be alone together. But he’s right. We need to talk, if only to get our stories straight.
My meeting with the band went better than I ever could have imagined. I left a copy of the contract with each of them, though I know it’s Gavin’s wife, Charmaine, who will be doing the closer examination. It’s a good contract. I have no doubt it will be signed and on Genevieve’s desk well before the Friday afternoon deadline.
Now, all I need to do is put this situation with Johnny to bed—figuratively, not literally—and no one will be the wiser.
The drive to Johnny’s townhouse is over too soon. I reach him as he’s opening the front door. We don’t speak as we go inside. Putting down his guitar case, he locks the door behind us and turns to face me.
We stand there for a long moment. Still. Silent. Neither of us wants to be the one to end it.
“I don’t want to stop yet,” Johnny says in a quiet voice.
A hint of smile tugs at my mouth. “Neither do I. But we have to.”
“Do we, though?” Pushing away from the door, he closes in on me. “I know how to keep a secret, Cal. As long as we’re careful, no one will ever know.”
“I would know.” I raise a hand between us to stop his advance. “Ned is taking a big chance on me. He’s trusting me to do right by all four of you. I refuse to betray his trust.” He quirks an eyebrow, and I groan. “Any more than I already have, obviously.”
“Even if Ned did figure it out, this is nothing like what he went through with Zac. He would understand.” Johnny rushes through the words, restless feet shifting beneath him. “I’m not some wide-eyed teenager falling into your clutches. I’m a grown man. I know exactly what I want.” His gaze stumbles down the length of me, a smile hovering on his parted lips. “I want you.”
I close my eyes as my body goes haywire, responding to his desire with jagged bolts of lust. My heart thunders. I can barely breathe. Still, I force myself to voice the only question that matters in the end. “For how long?”
“What?”
“Forhow longwill you want me?” I open my eyes in time to see confusion falter to resignation. “You said it yourself thenight we met. You’re horny and you want to get laid.” I gesture between us. “That’s all this is. Right?”
“Bullshit,” he growls. “You know it’s more.”
“Is it?” I demand. “Are you saying you want to have a relationship with me? Something real?”
His mouth twists in a grimace as he rakes clawed fingers through messy hair. “No,” he says, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
The words are expected. Johnny’s thinking of himself, and fuck whatever I need. It’s what people do. I know this. It should make the whole situation easier. Instead, hurt erupts inside my chest until the only place it has to go is out my mouth. “Do you want to take this chance away from Ned just as he’s found the courage to try again?”
Johnny’s gaze narrows. “Of course not.”
“Do you want to tell Oz and Gavin they won’t be getting their big break because your cock needs time to work me out of its system before you ditch me?”
He sucks in a deep breath, jaw locked and eyes flashing. “No.”
“Then we need to end it.” I get in his face, jerking my hand up between us, the thumb and index finger held a few centimetres apart. “We are, all of us, this close to getting everything we want, and Ineedthis.” Our gazes clash as I continue in dark tones. “I will not risk my job for you, Johnny. It’s too important.”
The unspoken implication hits hard, and he flinches.
I look away, resisting the urge to take it back. Johnny isnotunimportant. The way he occupies my thoughts, the current of excitement humming beneath my skin every time I get to see him, is evidence of that. But my security, Hannah’s security, has to come first. Always.
He takes a moment to collect himself before he responds. “I would never do anything to risk your job. Especially not over some stupid rule.”
“It’s not just about the rule or getting caught,” I say, my voice softening. “It’s also about why the rule exists. From the second the contract is signed, I will have a direct influence in the growth of your career.”
“This isn’t a career. It’s a hobby.”
I snort a laugh, my eyes rolling. “Now who’s spouting bullshit? Your heart is all tangled up in the strings of your guitar. You’d have to slice it into pieces to get free.”
His body stiffens, lips pressing into a hard line. “It’s only music. It can’t amount to anything.” The words sound foreign coming from his mouth, and I wonder who forced them in there. Was it the ex-wife who hated it when he got lost in music stores? Or the parents who tried to dictate who he should be from the cradle?
“If either of us believed that, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” I take a step closer, knowing I shouldn’t, knowing the risk. “Music is fundamental to who you are, Johnny. I saw it the first time I watched you play. You were like…” Emotion clogs my throat, and I pause to swallow. “You shone like the sun.”
He lifts his hands to my face, dismissing the last of the crucial centimetres I’d kept between us. His lips find mine in a hard, desperate kiss. Though it only lasts a moment, we both shudder at the contact.