Page 53 of The Deviation
I’m still wondering if I should be doing something when Hannah touches my arm. “We’re going to get some food,” she says, gesturing to Oz.
“Sure.” I nod, attempting to look casual, before meeting her gaze more directly. “You good?”
“Yeah.” A tiny grin hovers on her lips. “Thanks.”
I wink at her. “Anytime.”
They’re disappearing into the crowd when I realise Calum has come to stand at my side. Doing a double-take, I narrow my eyes at him. “Where have you been hiding? I haven’t seen you all night.”
“I didn’t want to interrupt. She looked so comfortable with you.” His brows twitch, as if he’s still wrapping his brain around those words. “I don’t know what kind of magic you wield with her, but I’m grateful for it.”
“Glad to be of service.” I pair the words with a small bow and am rewarded with a low chuckle. “How did you convince her to come?”
He grimaces, taking a swig of whatever drink he’s holding. “She wanted me to come. I may have threatened to stay home and keep her company if she didn’t join me.”
I snort a laugh. “Brotherly blackmail at its finest.”
“It was a dirty trick, but it worked. And, who knows, in the end she may be glad she came.”
My gaze follows his to where Hannah and Oz sit in a corner of the patio, their heads bent together in conversation. “He’s a good man,” I tell Calum, although by now he already knows. “He’ll treat her right.”
Calum gives me some side-eye. “He’d better,” he says with mock ferocity.
Silence falls between us, and I shift on my feet as I lean closer to murmur, “I thought maybe you were avoiding me.” Our last meeting, at his apartment, ended so badly. We haven’t spoken since, save for the obligatory Christmas wishes in the band’s group chat.
“No, I…” He pauses, before sighing heavily. “Maybe a little.” Someone bumps into him from behind and he turns, as if reminded of the mass of people surrounding us. He looks back. “Walk with me?”
Our gazes lock. The rest of the world glitches into a distant blur. Swallowing around the sudden lump in my throat, I nod.
We wander away from the paved area, towards a small fire pit in the middle of the backyard. A dozen or so chairs are set up around it, only half of them occupied. We grab a couple of chairs and settle in a quiet spot on the far side. Night has brought a coolness to the summer air. It allows us to sit within the circle of light provided by the fire without sweltering.
The flickering flames are reflected in Calum’s green eyes; they pick up the highlights in his hair and illuminate his pale skin with an ethereal glow. I try not to stare, but it’s pointless. I’m so lost in him, in this madness between us. It’s a merry-go-round of want and denial I refuse to leave behind, even when the whirling leaves me sick to my stomach.
I’ve been going over and over it in my head for days now. Eight months have passed since the night we met, and yet I’m only now realising how little I actually know about Calum Ellis. I know he’s almost twenty-four, and managing musicians is his dream job. He likes horror movies and drinks enough coffee to energise a small town. But I don’t know his favourite book, if he prefers the mountains or the beach, which songs he would put on the soundtrack of his life. I don’t know anything about hisfriends, or his childhood. I know he would burn the world to the ground to protect his sister, but I don’t know why he holds so tight to the matches, as if an attack is imminent. I don’t know where his parents are, or how long they’ve been gone. I have no idea what his and Hannah’s life was like when they were still around.
After all these months of fighting my physical attraction to him, I’d almost forgotten the fascination that drew me to him that first night. It was more than his touch, his kiss. It was everything about him.
“I want to apologise for the way I acted the other day.” Calum’s quiet words drag me back from my ruminations. “I was harsh, and I’m sorry.”
The label on my mostly empty beer bottle tears as I scratch at it with my thumbnail. “I’m sorry, too,” I say, my voice rough with emotion. “I never should have shown up at your home uninvited. Even if I didn’t mean to see you. It was an intrusion, and it was wrong.”
He sits back in his chair. “Even if that’s true, I didn’t have to overreact.”
“You lash out when you feel threatened,” I say, turning to look at him. “It’s one of the few things Idoknow about you.”
Frowning, he crosses his arms. “What are you talking about?”
Swearing under my breath, I scull the last of my beer and drop the bottle to the grass. “I’ve spent the last eight months treating you like some drug I’m addicted to. Taking hits of you, one minute at a time, and praying it’s enough to keep me from losing control.” I sit forwards, resting my elbows on my knees as I stare into the flames. “It will never be enough, Cal, and if we keep going through these motions, we’ll keep ending up right back here, tearing strips off each other to get at something we’re not allowed to have.” Running a hand over my face, I force myself to look at him. “I don’t want you to regret me.”
He doesn’t bother to deny it could happen. Hell, he’s probably halfway there, already. “What do you suggest we do?”
“I thought we could try something different. New year, fresh start?” I say, remembering Charmaine’s words from earlier. “I would like for us to be a part of each other’s lives.” The words are quiet, cautious. Hope is a wary flutter in my chest. “I don’t want to use the word friends. I don’t think I could take pretending we’ve never… been more. But I want to know you. I want you to know me.”
He rolls his lips inwards and his eyes gleam with moisture. “I would like that.”
My eyebrows lift. “Yeah?”
Laughing, he swipes a finger under one eye and nods. “Yes.”