Page 45 of The Deviation
It’s not like I don’t have plenty of work to keep me occupied. On top of managing Fifth Circle, I’m still assisting Arthur with a number of his artists. Plus, I recently signed another act to Rush. Jonas and Angela Starling are a brother and sister duo who made me want to weep with joy the first time I heard them sing. Adding to my portfolio has, of course, doubled my workload. So, yes, I’m a very busy man. Which is why I shouldn’t spend the entire day sitting beside the sound engineer and staring through the control room window while myclientsspend hours perfecting a song that makes my toes curl and my heart strings tie themselves into messy little knots.
Johnny wrote it, I know he did. The lyrics are a love letter to the night we met. Getting lost together in a crowd, and midnight kisses beneath the stars. The melody wraps around me as tightly as Johnny’s arms ever did. This man doesn’t need to touch me, or flirt, or mess with my boundaries to keep me on my knees for wanting him. He just needs to be Johnny.
By the time they’re done for the day, I’m a horny wreck of memories and longing. The four men look drained, but satisfied, as they pack up their gear. Ned and Gavin float the idea of heading to a local pub for dinner. Johnny nods in silent agreement. Oz elects to stay behind with the sound engineer, eager to put in another hour or two going over the day’s recordings.
“Are you joining us, Calum?” Ned asks, as I follow the other three men out into the building’s small foyer.
“Thanks, but I already have plans tonight.”
Johnny turns at my words, his gaze locking with mine as he falls into step beside me. A sudden tension rolls off his body, and I have to bite down on the urge to explain. It’s not supposed to matter what plans I have, or what plans he has. We can never be together. Seeing other people is inevitable. Neither of us deserves to be alone. The thought sends a jolt through me. Is he alone? Has he been with someone else? Even as he still writes songs about me?
I come to a standstill in the middle of the foyer. Watch as they continue on without me. Gavin pushes the front door open, and they begin to file outside. “Johnny.”
He looks back over his shoulder, his jaw flexing as he grits his teeth. “What do you want?”
“I almost forgot…” My voice sounds strained, awkward. I clear my throat and try again. “I wanted to go over something with you.” I open my bag, pretending to rifle through it. “Before you go can I, um…” I look up at him, my heart pounding. “Can I have a minute?”
His eyes flash. With heat or anger, I’m not sure. Half turning to Gavin and Ned, who have stopped outside the open doorway, he says, “You guys go ahead. I’ll be right behind you.”
The moment they’re gone, he comes at me. I rush to back up, but the empty foyer is tiny and within a few steps I’m flat againsta wall with him in front of me. Placing his guitar case down, he lifts his arms to plant a hand on either side of my head. “Tell me,” he growls.
“Hannah’s finished her exams for the year. We’re celebrating with pizza and a movie.” I shake my head. “I’m not… seeing anyone.”
He releases a breath, his shoulders sagging as his head falls forwards between us. “Fuck.”
I swallow hard. “What about you?”
Lifting his head back up, he looks at me with tired eyes. “No.”
My lungs start working again, and I take a deep breath as relief floods my body. Which is ridiculous. One of us has to break eventually. “I’m sorry about,” I gesture between us, “asking for this. I feel like I’m leading you on.”
“You’re not. I know the deal, and I agreed to it. Shitty though it might be.” His lips twitch. “Besides, I was already trying to figure out how to make it happen. You beat me to it, is all.”
My eyebrows lift. “Yeah?”
He nods, his eyes flitting between mine as he smiles. “Today was exciting and demanding and so much fun and I—” His elbows bend as he leans closer. “I need a hit of you before I lose my fucking mind.”
He’s so close. Closer than he’s been in almost six months. His skin radiates warmth, and he smells like an orgasm waiting to happen. Christ, I want it to happen. I fantasise about him every night and deny it to myself every morning. He thinks he’s going crazy? I left crazy behind months ago. “Johnny.” When he looks at me, I let him see the constant need inside me. Ebbing, flowing, crashing one day, rippling the next.
His eyes close as he draws a breath deep into his lungs. “I’m so hard I think I could come from the smell of you alone.”
My cock pulses at his words and I release a soft groan. My body straightens, easing off the wall. No, my brain screams atme. No, no, no. I can’t give in. I can’t. But my lips are parting and I’m burning all over and this is the only man who can soothe the ache.
“Time’s up.” He pushes away from me, turning abruptly to put several paces between us. I stare at his back as he takes shuddering breaths, rakes his fingers through his hair, adjusts his pants.
“Do they help?” I ask in a quiet voice. “These minutes.” He turns to give me a look, and I roll my eyes. “Maybe not today, but usually. Do they make it easier?”
“No.” The word comes out on the back of a twisted laugh. “Do they help you?”
I huff out a laugh of my own. “They’re torture.”
“Yeah,” he says with a sigh.
“Maybe we should stop.” His brows slam down as he comes back towards me, and I rush to explain. “What’s the point of doing this to ourselves? If we can never—”
“Because I need it,” he bites out, his hands reach for my face before curling into fists on either side of my head. “I need to get close to you, even if it’s only for a minute, even if I can’t touch. And wanting youhurts, like on a cellular level, but it hurtsso fucking good.” We’re both panting now. Our chests rising and falling between us. Almost brushing, but not. “It’s this sharp, elemental pain,” he whispers, “and god help me, I’m a little bit in love with it.”
“I’m a little bit in love with you.” The admission leaves me on the barest breath of sound.