Page 78 of The Deviation
“Not that it matters now,” he adds.
I lift my gaze to where Johnny’s begun pacing the length of the kitchen counter. “What do you mean?”
He stops to look at me. “I told my parents tonight. About you. About us.”
My mouth drops open before slamming shut. “How did they take it?”
“They didn’t freak out as much as I thought they would. But then, they were still reeling from the rest of the conversation so…”
I give him a look. “The rest?”
He presses his lips together, but there’s no hiding the smile that wants to break free. “I’m quitting the pharmacy. I’m done trying to live two lives to make other people happy. For the first time in my life, I’m going to put what I want first.” He takes a deep breath, as if resettling within the truth of his decision. “That means making music my first priority.”
My heart cracks. It cracks wide open in an avalanche of love and pride… and a bone-deep despair. “That’s great news,” I whisper, trying to breathe through the pain. “I’m so happy for you.” He’s going to fly so high, before long he’ll be out of reach.I wanted so badly to go with him, to continue working with him and supporting him through it all. “This is everything you’ve always wanted. You have to keep going.”
“I will,” he says with a wicked grin. “But not without you.”
Frustration tears at my gut. “You can’t have me. That’s the reality.”
“I don’t accept that reality,” he growls, dropping onto his knees in front of my chair. “Cal, you must see how perfect the timing is. Call your boss. Tell her I’ll come out, I’ll do a longer tour, whatever they want. As long as they give your job back.”
My head is already shaking before he finishes. “No. I’m not doing that.”
“Why not?” he asks, reaching out to cup my face.
“Because I’m not bloody well doing it.” Evading his hands, I stand up to put some distance between us.
“It will work,” he cries, coming to his feet. “It has to.”
“Yeah, it would work,” I snap, “because Genevieve already made me that offer, and I turned it down.”
Confusion clouds his face as he stares at me. “What are you talking about?”
“She said I could keep my job if I convinced you to do what they want. To prove my loyalty,” I add with a bitter laugh. “If I went back now, it would look like that’s exactly what I did. Manipulated you to save myself.”
“But you didn’t,” he insists in a quiet voice. “You said no and you lost everything, to protect me.”
“It wasn’t just about you. I did it so I can sleep at night and look at myself in the mirror every morning. Because I do not want to succeed by hurting the people who trust me.” Despite the cost to myself. The cost Hannah may have to help me bear. “My loyalty is not for sale.”
His jaw clenches as he stands straighter. “But you think mine is.”
“It’s not the same.”
“Bullshit.”
My eyes close as I shake my head. “You’ve earned this chance, Johnny. You deserve it.”
“And I’m supposed to, what, leave you behind?”
“Of course, you will!” I yell, throwing my arms wide. “Your tour is weeks away. Thousands of Fifth Circle fans have bought tickets and they’re expecting you to show up. Ned, Gavin, and Oz are expecting you to show up. Without Rush’s backing, all of it, the whole thing, will be cancelled.”
I see it in the widening of his eyes, the sudden intake of breath. The realisation. This has all happened so fast, he hasn’t had time yet to consider the consequences standing up for me would have on his life. On all their lives.
“Are you really going to turn your back on all the progress the four of you have made?” I ask in a deprecating tone. “For what… me?” A wild laugh spills from my throat. The idea my lover will ride to my rescue, charge the fortress and do battle with the villainous executives to get me reemployed is sweet. Truly, it is. It’s also the kind of immature fantasy that was obliterated for me years ago.
Crossing to the table, I pick up the ball of paper he discarded too soon. “You’ll do what’s right for you and the band, Johnny.” I walk over to him, take his hand, and press the paper to his palm, closing his fingers around it. “Because you’re a good man and a loyal friend.”
His gaze drops to our joined hands. “No,” he growls. “This isn’t the way it’s supposed to happen.”