Page 60 of The Deviation
She was just a kid when we found ourselves all alone in the world. I was the closest thing we had to an ‘adult’. Of course, I took care of her. “That’s the thing you’ve never understood, Han. You gave me a reason to focus and get shit done. I probably would have gone off the rails, otherwise. Everything I did for you, I was doing for me, too.” She might only see how much she needed me, but I needed her just as much. “You were all I had.”
“That’s my point,” she cries. “I don’t want to be all you have. You deserve more, and so do I.”
Dread gathers into a tight ball and lodges itself in my gut. “What are you saying? Do you want to move out?”
“No,” she says with a groan, “don’t be melodramatic.”
“Then what?” I snap.
Her mouth presses into a hard line as she takes a deep breath. “You’re my big brother, Cal, and I’ll always need you.” There’s a pause before she spits the rest out. “But I want you to stop using me as an excuse to push people away.”
Frowning, I sit up straighter. “I do not.”
“Do, too.”
My next denial is cut off when she raises her hand between us. “Does Johnny even know why this shit is so hard for us?” she demands. “Did you tell him about Mum and Dad?”
I flinch at the titles. I’d stopped thinking about them that way years ago.
“Why would I? Johnny’s not interested in having a real relationship with me,” I tell her, though it hurts to admit it. “He made that clear from the start.”
“Maybe it was true then, but it’s been almost a year and he’s still trailing after you like a lovesick puppy. You’rethe onefor him, Cal. Like he is for you.” I shake my head, and she growls in frustration. “Have you told him you want to give it a shot?”
“What I want doesn’t matter.”
“It matters to me,” she snaps, her eyes bright. “You’ve been putting yourself last for years, working your arse off to make sure we’re okay. But we are now… we’re okay.” She throws her arms wide, as if gesturing to our small apartment. “It’s time to stop living in survival mode.”
I glance around. This place might not be spacious, or new, but it is a home. We have everything we need to live a comfortable life. My bank account has a reasonable amount of padding in case of emergencies. Hannah is right, we are okay—right now. But is it enough?
“We could lose it all, Han.” My voice is barely above a whisper. Rough to the point of breaking. “In an instant, we could have to start all over again.”
“That’s never going to stop being true,” she says with a slow nod. “It’s true for everyone. At least we’d be sharing the load this time. Besides, we’re tough. Emotionally stunted at times,” she adds with dramatic flair. “But you and me? We can come back from anything.”
I snort a laugh. “Bloody oath, we can.”
“Which means…” she drawls, “maybe it’s time we both put our childhood trauma aside and take some risks.”
“Maybe you’re right.” Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I give her a half-smile. “Does this mean you’ll start writing music again?”
She scoffs. “Let’s not get too crazy.” At the same time, her cheeks flush and there’s a secret sparkle in her eyes.
That in itself is worth the churning in my stomach when I leave a few minutes later. I never would have said she was wrong to want more. The kinds of risks she’s been taking lately are good for her. Meeting new people, singing with Johnny, dating Oz. Those risks are making her world bigger and richer. But I’m not sure her suggestion applies to me so easily.
I don’t even know what living outside of survival mode looks like. Taking risks and hoping for the best? It feels closer to self-sabotage than enrichment. Even if I did find the courage to try, would Johnny ever want the same thing?
TWENTY-FIVE
______
CALUM
The contradictory thoughts prompted by Hannah’s words are still waging war in my head on Friday night. Johnny and I are sprawled on either end of his couch. There’s an old thriller on the TV and an empty pizza box on the coffee table. We usually try to keep our ‘alone behind closed doors’ time to a minimum, but it’s been a long couple of weeks, with the release of the album and preparing for the trip down to Byron Bay for the festival. Neither of us had the energy to go out tonight.
I turn my head far enough to sneak a look in Johnny’s direction. He’s slumped against the cushions in a t-shirt and black cotton shorts. His long, bare legs are stretched out, one foot propped on the edge of the coffee table, hands resting in his lap. My gaze lifts to his face—the warm brown eyes, sharp nose and full lips—and I watch the subtle play of expressions as he watches the movie. It’s a rare thing for me to see him this relaxed, and my chest swells with a deep, limitless affection that threatens to burst through my skin.
I never expected this to happen. Never expected to fall so intensely for anyone. I’ve sure as hell never been in love before.
Between working and taking care of Hannah, there was never enough time for anything more than the odd hookup, and a few casual relationships. Some lasted a few weeks, maybe a month. I was never with anyone long enough to forge a true connection, and those who tried got nowhere with me. I told myself love was a fleeting indulgence I could suffer through later, when we were more secure. Hannah is right, though. My excuses haveworn thinner with each passing year, and yet I’ve continued to be alone.