Page 13 of The Deviation
I never thought of myself as being ‘in the closet’. I sure as hell never thought I would need to ‘come out’ to anyone. But I suppose I am now… and I do.
Rubbing my hands over my face, I sigh. This is fucking up my brain way more than I expected. “You know what, it doesn’t matter. Let’s talk about what’s going on with you and Toni.”
Colour springs to Ned’s cheeks as he stares at me with raised eyebrows. “What do you mean?” he says, as if I can’t call bullshit on his new relationship.
“Last I heard, you were after a weekend fling. Then Toni shows up, introduces himself as your boyfriend, and the two of you spend the whole weekend acting like two peas in a little love pod. Are you guys serious or what?”
Ned’s lips press together as he considers my words. “We’re not serious at the moment,” he says, carefully. “Although, I think maybe we could be.”
Wow. That was fast. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be in another relationship. Even the idea of being in love with someone who isn’t Ellie is surreal to me. And trusting someone again, after the way she broke my heart? I have no clue what that would even look like.
I’m happy for Ned, though. He’s a good man. He deserves this. “I hope it works out for you,” I say, forcing some sort of smile.
The lump at the back of my throat aches. I swallow, and it hurts. I wonder if Calum’s ever been in love. If he’s ever had his heart broken into little pieces and fought his way whole. Damn, there he is, filling my head again. I knew from the get-go this would be a weekend I’d remember for the rest of my life, but I had no idea meeting a man would play such a big role.
Attempting to move on, I hold my arms out to gesture to the still sleepy festival grounds. “If nothing else, at least we get to play in front of a big arse crowd today. That’s worth celebrating all on its own.”
The grin spreading over Ned’s face is a relief. I know it was hard for him to come here, although the why behind his reluctance is still a mystery. Something about an ex-boyfriend he’s keen to avoid. I appreciate that he came anyway. I appreciate that he did it for me.
“Yeah, Johnny.” He nods, a glimmer of genuine excitement in his eyes. “It is worth celebrating.”
* * *
My left hand tightens around the neck of my electric guitar as I walk across the stage. The autumn sun shines overhead. Thecrowd cheers our arrival with raucous enthusiasm. I want to focus on them, on my band mates, on the awesomeness of this experience. Instead, all I can think about is him. Calum.
There’s no way he’s here. He told me himself, he’s going to be run off his feet all day, working behind the scenes at the amphitheatre. He can’t just take time out to watch the performance of some pub band who he already knows has no interest in his services—especially when he’s probably still mad at me.
None of that seems to matter to the jittery, nervous, horny mess the last twenty or so hours have made of me. I want him to be out there somewhere. In the crowd. Watching.
His imagined gaze weighs heavy on my skin as I play the opening chords of our first song. It follows the furious movements of my fingers as we progress from one song to the next. My guitar sings and sobs for him. My hands fist and flex in the moments between, eager to continue the show.
I have no doubt the lion’s share of the audience has eyes only for Ned. The succubus that possesses him prior to every performance is a greedy thing who loves to suck all available attention in his direction. He feeds off the energy of the crowd, multiplies it, sensualises it, and then feeds it back to them. That larger-than-life stage presence is one of the reasons I was so desperate to have him join Fifth Circle when he returned from Sydney. It’s hot as hell and every audience laps it up.
But not Calum.
In my head, Calum is mine.
All too soon, the final notes ring out, and our set comes to an end. My guitar falls silent, and I take a moment to drink it all in. The cloudless blue sky. The crowd’s thunder of applause. My band mates at my side, sharing in the glory. My chest swells with a bone deep satisfaction. This is what I’ve been working towards my entire life. Every time my parents insisted I give up the guitarand I refused. Every time Ellie and I argued about how big a role my music played in our lives. This is the feeling I fought for. It was worth every second.
Again, I imagine Calum’s eyes on me, but I don’t picture him joining in on the applause. Instead, he glares at me, with his arms crossed and silent curses spilling from his lips. The image shouldn’t stretch my grin wider, but it does. Because even if I never get to see him again, I find delight in the idea of him knowing how good we are.
It’s crazy and it’s mean, but I want him to know we’re the band he’s been searching for all along. I want him to want me in every way want can be imagined.
Before long, another act has taken our place, and we’re emerging from the backstage area into the main festival grounds. Toni appears from the crowd, heading our way at a full run.
“You were brilliant,” he cries, throwing himself at Ned and planting kisses all over his face. Ned laughs as he wraps his arms around the smaller man.
Oz lets out a loud laugh. “Hold up. Do we all get sugar? This was a team effort, you know.”
Ned tugs his boyfriend closer. “No way. This one is all mine.”
Gavin’s wife, Charmaine, reaches us then and tucks herself under Gavin’s arm. “Don’t worry, boys, you were all brilliant.” She smiles up at her husband. “Of course, no one outshines the hot drummer.” With a wide grin, Gavin lowers his head to press a soft kiss to his wife’s lips. When they part, the love between them is as clear and bright as the day.
My jaw tightens, and I drop my gaze to the grass beneath my moving feet. There’s no point in allowing myself to search the crowd. There’s no one here for me.
Oz gives a long drawn-out groan. “Next year, Johnny and I are bringing dates of our own.” He throws me a wink. “Right, mate?”
A rush of sparks ignite at the idea of coming back next year. Being on stage today, playing our arses off and loving every second of it, was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. The connection between the four of us was stronger than ever. Our performance was freedom and joy and intensity all rolled into one, and we nailed it. Why shouldn’t we come back?