Page 60 of The Ampersand Effect

Nadia leaned forward in her chair. “Not the fear, Tobin. It’s the control. You can’t control the future—the tomorrows. And you think a baby without a partner will reduce what you have to manage, make it easier to keep your carefully constructed armory of walls intact. But it won’t. You can’t.”

“No, I can’t control them. So why is it wrong for me to choose to control what I can, to carve out a small piece of happiness I can protect from everything else? From myself and the inevitable demise of any relationship I start?” She was furious. And hurt. Weren’t there ethical lines about how much therapists could tell versus lead their clients to discover on their own? They’d clearly been crossed today.

“It’s not wrong. But you’re catastrophizing the worst possible scenario, when it’s the least probable. You’re afraid of losing a relationship you haven’t even allowed to start. So, you’re trying to maintain your composure for that imagined loss by throwingyourself into a lifelong commitment to a child that may not even be conceived.”

Tobin sat on the couch, stiff, and burning with anger. “That was cold.”

“I know. I overstepped. But the point remains the same. You’re trying to control everything which cannot be controlled. And you have an opportunity to explore one of your lifelong ambitions with Grier.” Nadia shrugged and leaned back in her chair again. “Maybe she won’t bethe one.But what if she is? Circling back to the start of our session—don’t you want to see if it could go somewhere? Can you hope, for just a little while, that maybe you can have everything you’ve ever wanted?”

Tobin walked out of Nadia’s office and into the chilly May air. She slid her aviators over her eyes and shoved her fists into the pockets of her bomber jacket. The need to expel the restless energy pulsing in her chest propelled her down the sidewalk, aimless but purposeful. She needed to walk. To breathe. To make sense of the noise inside her head that had gone eerily still.

Nadia was right. Eddie was right. LoLo and Harrow… all right. Never before had so many people been aligned in their belief in her, urging her to reach out and grasp what was there for the taking. Her family and friends had always been supportive, but never as fiercely as now—for Grier.

That kiss was neither a beginning nor an end, but the fulfillment of a destiny Tobin hadn’t considered was hers to claim. It was a question and an answer.

She knew she was a fool to fight it. And she was going to do something about it.

Pulling her phone from her pocket, she opened her messages and found Grier’s name.

TOBIN—11:13

Still on for Saturday? Might be a little

chilly, we could change the plans if the

cold bothers you.

She slid her phone back in her pocket and continued walking, eyes drifting across shop windows. She barely registered the items on display, preoccupied as she was with her thoughts. Why had she demanded it not be a date? She couldn’t walk that back. Now that she’d resolved to act on her feelings, her earlier declaration felt like a mocking reminder of the uncertainty she was trying to suppress. With Nadia’s encouragement still echoing in her mind, she resolved to honor her want—and her hope.

Barely a block later, her phone vibrated. She yanked it from her pocket so quickly that it snagged on the edge and flew out of her hand. She groaned, mortified, as nearby pedestrians stared. Relief flooded her when she realized it was intact. She tapped the screen to see Grier’s glorious name glowing in a text bubble.

GRIER—11:16 a.m.

I was just thinking about you! ?? I can’t wait

for Saturday. The cold doesn’t scare me—I

run hot.

TOBIN—11:16 a.m.

I bet you do.

That may have been a little forward, but maybe she could turn on the flirting again and coax the non-date into a date, after all?

GRIER—11:18 a.m.

Are you a betting woman, Tobin?

Shit. In for a penny, in for a pound, right?

TTOBIN—11:19 a.m.

You seem to have an unnatural ability to

keep me on my toes. So, when it comes

to you, I think all bets are off.