Page 125 of The Ampersand Effect
Tobin didn’t like her tone. She especially didn’t like the way her name sounded on Grier’s lips right now. She hadn’t experienced Grier mad yet, and she knew—even from this brief encounter—that she never wanted to be on the receiving end ofGrier’s wrath again. She was formidable, and the glint in her eye told Tobin she would be relentless in pursuing whatever point she was trying to make.
“Space. I’d call this space,” she spat the words. Then she gestured between them. “But you clearly don’t understand the meaning of that.” She hadn’t intended to be so defensive. But really, what was she supposed to do in this situation? No one had ever shown up to fight with her—naked. She was making this up as she went.
“No.” Grier was quiet, but resolute.
“No?” Tobin’s confusion escalated. Her heart was still racing, and she grabbed the edges of the tub to steady herself, giving herself something to anchor to.
“No,” Grier repeated. “You don’t get space. Not right now. You can have time—allthe time you need to heal from whatever the doctor said this morning. But space? No. You do not get to shut me out.” Her voice had risen steadily, firmly, until it suddenly stilled. She whispered, her ferocity breaking like the mist between them, “You don’t get to push me away. You donotget to break up with me.”
Grier’s temper evaporated, and the raw hurt settled over her features.
Tobin’s chest squeezed, knowing she’d caused this. She caused Grier’s pain, and her subsequent temper, all because Tobin was too scared to let her in. She didn’t want to break up with Grier. She didn’t want to lose this—this woman who would show up to fight with her. To fightforher.
Tobin felt her emotions boiling, rising like the steam. She looked away from Grier, trying to staunch the tears before they escaped. But that was another fight she lost. One by one, her tears trailed down her cheeks. She didn’t even bother wiping them away.
“Tobin…” The gentleness had returned to Grier’s voice, like a balm—soothing and patient.
“I’m barren,” Tobin whispered, barely audible even to herself. A feral, choked whimper escaped her throat.
In a flurry of water and limbs, Grier was there—around her, above and below her—everywhere; Grier holding her, stroking her, shushing her. Tobin didn’t fight when she felt Grier reposition them, so that Grier was underneath her in the tub. Tobin sat sideways in her lap like a toddler, her face buried in Grier’s chest, her hands fisting over Grier’s shoulders, sobbing and gasping and finally,finally, breaking.
She sobbed until she couldn’t breathe, until her breath rattled and she struggled for oxygen. Grier rocked her in her lap, kissed her hair, laced their fingers together and squeezed—reminding her that she was there, that Tobin wasn’t alone. Still, she couldn’t stop the descent. Her vision blurred, her lips tingled, her lungs clambered for air—and she just couldn’t… get enough… oxygen.
Grier read her body in the way only Grier could. She squeezed her tight, whispering words Tobin couldn’t comprehend into her ear, trying to focus her, to call her back to the present—toher. Tobin’s mind chased frantic, incomplete, and wholly irreparable memories of her forfeited dreams. She lost her presence, her body; her mind faded in and out. It felt surreal, her consciousness disconnected from sensation, like she was floating through a hollow dreamscape, echoes of her past, present, and future swarming like shadows of reality.
She vaguely felt Grier grab her hand and press her palm to her chest. She registered the rise and fall of her own body as Grier took giant, soothing breaths and, abstractedly, registered that Grier was coaching her to follow the rhythm.
She clung to Grier—to her voice, to the steady inhale and exhale of her lungs—and she listened to the steady, persistentbeating of her heart. She followed those sounds, those signs of life and love, and she brought herself back. Back to the bathroom, to the bathtub. She brought herself back—to Grier.
She took one huge, calming, rattled breath and rooted her mind to her body, now limp and weak in Grier’s lap.
Grier ducked her head to look into Tobin’s eyes. She felt hazy and disoriented from the panic attack, but Grier’s warm, amber eyes grounded her.
“There you are,” Grier whispered, tucking a loose strand of hair behind Tobin’s ear. “You’re safe, Tobin.”
She didn’t think she could speak—her throat was raw from the hyperventilation—but she bent her head forward to connect her forehead to Grier’s, hoping it would communicate all the unspoken things she couldn’t give voice to in the moment. Grier waited until her breathing normalized before slipping out of the tub and grabbing some towels from the hook on the wall.
Wordlessly, Tobin rose from the water, steadying herself with Grier’s hand, weak from the adrenaline rush of the anxiety attack. She let Grier wrap her in a towel, pat her dry, and lead her into the bedroom. Grier tucked her under the covers, then climbed in on the other side, opening her arms in invitation. Tobin curled into her.
She came to slowly, orienting herself to the rhythm of Grier’s now-familiar heartbeat. She felt Grier’s fingertips dancing along her skin, like they were reading the Braille of her life’s veiled story—laid bare, and vulnerable, and so completely broken.
“We don’t have to talk about it tonight,” Grier said softly, still stroking her arm, “but there are things we can do; there are thingsIcan do. You don’t have to give up your dreams because of one bad appointment. Not without a fight.”
Tobin held her breath. How on earth did Grier think any of this was salvageable? “What do you mean?”
“There are so many instances of acupuncture and supplements aiding fertility treatments. I’m sorry I didn’t bring it up before. I—I didn’t want to overstep or insert myself when we were so new.” Grier sighed. “But I see now that was a mistake.”
“You can really help? You—you would?” Tobin whispered into Grier’s skin.
“Of course, I would, Tobin! I…” Grier stopped, thinking. Her hands stilled their roaming. “I would do anything for you. Frankly, I’m a little hurt that you haven’t figured that out yet.”
Tobin’s body buzzed with Grier’s admission. She lifted her head off her chest and searched for her eyes in the dusk-darkened room. “You—you’re incredible,” she whispered.
“So you’ve said,” Grier sounded exasperated, but Tobin watched as the corners of her mouth twitched into a smirk. “But I still want to hear it.”
Tobin reached up, placing the palm of her hand against Grier’s cheek, and stared into the warm amber irises she’d come to love. She felt Grier’s eyes searching her own. She didn’t have words to name all of the emotions she was feeling today, but she knew she no longer had to. She just had to feel them—and together, they’d sort them out.
It was a heavy and relieving kind of knowledge, this feeling of no longer being alone.