Page 122 of The Ampersand Effect

“Have you considered alternatives? Egg or embryo adoption?”

“What about a partner—someone who could donate or carry for you?”

The doctor’s words swam between her ears, pounding against her brain before settling in the hollow of her empty uterus.

She would never have a child of her own.

She would never feel the flutter of life within her.

She would never hold her external heart in her arms and feel a rush of completion.

Because she was barren.

But this shouldn’t have surprised her. If the last few years had proven anything, it was that her life never turned out the way it was supposed to.

She’d had to rebuild her dreams at every failure. Why would motherhood be any different?

She felt like a fool.

Her phone buzzed in her hand. She set it the cupholder, refusing to read the text she knew was from Grier. She couldn’t bear her optimism right now.

She needed this moment to grieve. She needed time. It wasn’t every day your dreams were crushed and you were left to reassemble— again—the pieces of your brokenness into yet another distorted version of a life. Not every day. But for Tobin, at least, it felt like a recurring theme every couple of years.

“Are you sure you don’t want to answer that?” Harrow asked, concern threading her voice. “Maybe Grier will have some ideas.”

“No,” Tobin growled. She absolutely did not want to lean on her newly minted girlfriend for this—not for advice, not for comfort. This was her loss. And Grier’s place in her life was still too new, too tenuous, to share this with her. She absolutely would not rely on Grier.

“Just take me to the hangar. I need to help with the float. Please.” They were supposed to finish the Pride parade float today.

Harrow hesitated. “Are you sure you want to go through with it? I’m sure Anchor would understand.” There was an edge of pleading in her voice.

Like wallowing at home would change anything. She needed a distraction. She needed to make herself busy. Building a float sounded like literal torture—but it would keep her hands occupied and her mind detached. She could sulk freely. Hell, she might even get to swing a hammer at some unsuspecting nails. Anchor wouldn’t press her about her mood. She wouldn’t even have to smile.

Harrow pulled into the hangar’s parking lot. Eddie and Mike were repositioning one of the helicopters next to the float trailer. Tobin exited the car and immediately avoided Eddie’s inquisitive gaze—she knew her appointment was today. It was too much to hope she’d forgotten, but the tiny scraps of hope Tobin clung to whisperedmaybe.Maybe Eddie wouldn’t bring it up.

She headed inside to change and reapply her makeup. She didn’t miss Eddie’s concerned look as she crossed to meet Harrow at her car.

While she dressed, Anchor and Devon arrived with a van full of supplies for the trailer. Tobin made a beeline for them, deliberately avoiding Eddie. She felt safer with Anchor and Devon—they didn’t know about the appointment, and she didn’t have to pretend they weren’t silently wondering how it had gone.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket. She knew she couldn’t ignore it forever—Grier didn’t deserve to be punished for her body’s betrayal. She clicked on the screen and read the earliest message.

GRIER—8:58 a.m.

Thinking about you. Good luck!

Tobin couldn’t endure Grier’s unwavering support. Not in hindsight. The familiar sting of tears pricked at her eyes, and she pinched the bridge of her nose, desperate to stay in control. She had to get her emotions under control—there was only so much waterproof mascara could handle, and today wasn’t the day to test it.

Grier had never been anything but supportive of her dreams to become a mom. She hadn’t even flinched when Tobin first told her about the fertility appointment—or that she wanted to go through with itandstart something with her. Grier had proven to be every bit as incredible as she’d low-key promised to be.

GRIER—10:36 a.m.

Are you done with the specialist?

If she only knew.

And now, Tobin felt the weight of her collapsed dreams bear down on her like an oppressive lid over a pot of boiling water. She knew she was keeping Grier—this incredible, supportive, present woman—at arm’s length. Because that’s what she did.Everything she touched crumbled. Why would she expect anything different now? Who was she to stare into the face of precedent and challenge it?

She didn’t deserve Grier. Grier deserved so much more than she could give. She was broken, after all. And Grier was the complete package—complete in every way that Tobin wasn’t. Grier wanted a family, too. Tobin couldn’t give her that. Not after today.