Page 160 of The Ampersand Effect
She needed Tobin right now. Tobin had handled everything perfectly so far—a godsend, really, when it came to comfort and presence. But that look… it unsettled something in Grier. It told a different story from the one Tobin was presenting outwardly. And it scared her.
But Tobin washere. She waswithher. That had to mean something, right? Surely she was allowed her own experiences, her own fears, even when her partner was going through something. Grier shook her head, trying to dislodge the invasive thoughts before they took up residence inside her clearly—though momentarily— overreactive brain.
She looked up at Tobin, her gaze meeting the deep concern in those green eyes. She felt soft fingers wipe at the tears streaking her temples, then gently thread through her hair. Tobin didn’t try to coax her to talk. She didn’t try to offer false comfort.
No—Tobin understood there was nothing to say. Nothing could be done. The fight was over.
They were just waiting now.
Grier shook her head again. She was obviously reading into things. She was sleep-deprived, starving, and overly emotional. Tobin washere, and that was all that mattered. So, she accepted Tobin’s presence—and the fleeting look of terror that had crossed her face—with the kind of resignation only the devastated could manage. She accepted it wholly, and gaveherself over to the smallest comfort, finding solace in its meager purity.
Bracing herself for the inevitable, she sighed and said, with absolutely zero conviction, “I should check my phone…”
Tobin raised the hand not currently tangled in Grier’s hair, revealing Grier’s phone in her grasp. She tapped the screen, and the backdrop lit up—a selfie from one of their hikes, Grier cozied under Tobin’s chin, both of them grinning into the camera with wide, genuine smiles. There were no notifications.
“No news yet,” Tobin whispered, lowering the phone and meeting Grier’s gaze.
In those eyes, Grier saw so much love and sadness and an entire novel’s worth of unspoken sorrow. She saw how much Tobin wanted desperately to make this better for her. They both knew she was powerless to do so.
“Can I convince you to eat something?” Tobin asked gently, still running her fingers through Grier’s hair.
Grier closed her eyes, relishing in the contact. She didn’t want to move from this position—but she did need to eat. Reaching up, she took Tobin’s hand in her own, bringing it to her cheek. She nuzzled the sensitive skin of Tobin’s wrist with her lips, grounding herself in the steady thrum of Tobin’s pulse and the familiar scent of her skin.
She nodded faintly into Tobin’s hand, and conceded her body to the quiet necessity of food. When Tobin shifted out from beneath her, Grier let her guide her up and onto her feet.
Tobin led them to the kitchen, positing Grier onto a stool. “Any requests?” she asked, her tone light but full of intention.
Grier didn’t have to think—she knew she needed comfort food right now. “Grilled cheese and soup. Tomato, or something hearty.”
Tobin practically beamed, visibly relieved not to have to coax a request out of her. “You’ve always been a woman who knowswhat she wants…” she said, her voice warm with something more than amusement.
She winked, and her smile softened into something so full of fondness that Grier felt herself blink against fresh tears.
“Lucky for me,” Tobin added, “it’s always played to my advantage.”
Grier watched Tobin dig a container of frozen tomato soup out of the freezer and set it in a pot on the stove to reheat. She fought the urge to stand and help with the sandwiches, understanding that Tobin needed to cook for her—to show her love in this small, tangible way—as much as Grier needed to eat what was lovingly made.
“Tell me about your trip,” Grier said softly, craving the distraction and the information.
“Ah…” Tobin hesitated, only briefly. “Well… current circumstances aside, I’ve been looking forward to this trip—and the course—all year. I always do…”
“You’ve mentioned that you help teach the coursework. Are you teaching this time?” Grier asked timidly, wishing she had more energy to fully engage in the conversation. She knew it was more of a distraction than genuine curiosity, but Tobin didn’t seem to mind. They both understood the chatter was a diversion, filling the silence before Grier’s phone interjected with the solemn news neither of them wanted.
“Yes, but I’m also testing in hazardous landings,” Tobin explained as she buttered the bread and gracefully placed it onto a hot pan.
She glanced over at Grier as the sandwich began to sizzle. “I’ll be required to land on graded slopes—on glaciers and volcanoes. Not the most practical for application in Aetheridge, obviously, but it can be assumed that if I can land a bird in those conditions, I can apply the skills to landings in our forest and cliffs.”
“That sounds simultaneously treacherous and exhilarating.” “And that is the long and short of it, my love,” Tobin declared with a playful smile, lifting her butter knife into the air and jabbing it lightly in Grier’s direction for emphasis.
Grier warmed with Tobin’s use ofmy love. Their declarations were still so new—not even a week old—and she hoped the rush of affection she felt, both in hearing and saying the words, would never fade.
“I bet the views are incredible,” Grier offered, momentarily allowing her brain to envision the landscapes of Iceland. She’d never been, but she’d seen some of Tobin’s pictures—especially the ones she’d posterized and hung as artwork throughout the house. The colors were vivid, intense. She loved the idea of traveling there with Tobin someday.
“Breathtaking, if I’m being completely honest,” Tobin replied as she layered some cheese onto the bread now perfectly toasted in the pan. “I’m also really excited to see Njáll and his family.” Grier recognized the name from some of Tobin’s earlier stories. “I can’t wait to cook with his mom and catch up with his sister.”
“And your tattoo?” Grier pried gently. Tobin had repeatedly mentioned her excitement over the tattoo that Njáll’s sister, Dagný, was planning to complete while she was abroad. Though Tobin had described the general idea, she’d also shared that Dagný was keeping the final design a secret as some sort of surprise. That gesture alone spoke volumes about the trust and respect Tobin held for Dagný, Njáll, and their mother, Salka. Grier found herself intrigued by their bond and deeply hoped she’d be accepted by them as readily as she had been with Harrow and Elodie.
“My tattoo!” Tobin exclaimed, wistfully throwing her head back with exaggerated glee and letting her shoulders drop dramatically. Grier could hear the joy in her voice—but then watched Tobin correct herself. She straightened, blanked herexpression, and softened her tone, clearly trying to temper her excitement out of sensitivity for Grier’s grief.