Page 15 of The Ampersand Effect

“I loved Talia, too,” Harrow continued. “But Talia didn’t have the strength to survive you. Your accident changed her. Itchanged you both. She learned she couldn’t lose you, and you learned you couldn’t let her. It took integrity, and strength and a whole lot of love to let each other go. But in letting her go, you closed yourself off—”

Tobin opened her mouth to protest, but Harrow’s courtroom poise cut her off. Her sister’s eyes narrowed at her in exasperation, “You’ve been a shell of yourself for three years. I admire that you’ve decided to have a child on your own—but we both know that you haven’t let go of your idyllic dream of a family. With a wife. You can’t give up on all love, T. You gotta open your heart.”

Harrow’s face softened. “So go with Eddie. Let her be your wing woman. You know she can work a room—let it benefit you.”

Tobin had heard this argument before. She knew her sister wanted her to move on. And she had—she wasn’t in love with Talia anymore. She missed the idea of her more than her actual presence. She knew they were better apart. Happier, even. But the accident had changed her. Hardened her. She couldn’t allow someone to get that close again, because she couldn’t survive the looks of terror and loss on the face of the woman she loved.

Talia’s fear-stricken face haunted her dreams at night, waking her in a rush of cold sweat and twisted sheets. She wouldn’t put another woman through that. She wanted a child, and she could make that happen without a partner. But she couldn’t let her heart be broken by another woman she could very well break herself.

“I can’t risk hurting someone I love, Harrow. I won’t survive it again.”

“You absolutely can. Because the right woman—your wife— will feel all the things Talia felt. But instead of running away, she’ll runtowardyou. She’ll hold you in that hospital bed, and whisper her love to you in that moment and all the momentsyou’ll share after. She’s out there, T. You just have to open your heart to the possibility.”

“You make it sound so much easier than it is. I can’t just shake my ghosts. It’s not that easy. I’m a wreck. And my career is dangerous. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to be hurt.”

“You, dear sister, are a fucking catch. Your careerisdangerous. But I’d argue that a life without love is also dangerous. You deserve to be loved.”

“You love me. And I have LoLo and Eddie. I don’t need anyone else,” Tobin replied, defiantly. She was losing her patience. This conversation followed the same trajectory for years and hadn’t changed her mind yet. She was definitely not changing it today.

“Familial love is not the same as romantic love. Don’t be petulant.” Harrow leaned back, exasperated.

They sat for a moment, letting the embers of their argument burn out. Then Harrow suddenly leaned forward, a coy smile tugging at her lips.

“What?” Tobin asked, hesitant.

“Sex!” Harrow said with absolute confidence. “I’m guessing it’s been, what, a good year since you last got laid. Am I right?” She wore the smug look of a purebred Maine Coon with canary feathers sticking out of its mouth.

“Where are you going with this? You can’t humiliate me about my sex life. You know damn well I have a drawer full of toys—I’m

perfectly adept at taking care of myself.” Now Tobin was pissed. Who did Harrow think she was talking to? Neither of them was shy about physical pleasures; sex was a common topic between them. “I don’t have the time or patience to date right now, Harrow.”

“Wrong!” Harrow shook her finger like a gavel. “You’re sabotaging. You need to get laid—and you need to get out of yourown way to do it. Go to that gala. Lock eyes with someone across the room. Preferably that doctor from the other day. Dance with her. Then bring her back here.” A mischievous sparkle lit Harrow’s eyes.

“Maybeyoushould go,” Tobin shot back, desperate to derail

her. Truth was, she was definitely not satisfied with her collection of toys. She craved the emotional connection that came with sex.

It had been a long time since she’d been theBlurof her school years. Back then, everything was reckless momentum and heat. Now? There was very little she found sexier than connecting with a women’s mind as much as her body. When the two came together, the thrum of carnal desire was often sated with the most explosive orgasms.

Her sister wasn’t wrong—shedidwant sex. She just wasn’t sure she could give her body to a woman without also giving away her heart. And she couldn’t make that mistake again.

Tobin stood and moved to the railing, letting her gaze drift over the water. Harrow stayed quiet, but Tobin’s mind was a storm. She needed a distraction. She needed her hands to move.

“Are you hungry? I’m hungry,” the words rushed from her, eager to see the end of this conversation. She didn’t wait for an answer as she moved toward the door. “Hash cakes and poached eggs. Thirty minutes.”

“You’re hiding behind food again,” Harrow singsonged, sinking back into her chair.

“You’re hiding behind food again,” Tobin mocked in a low growl, just loud enough for Harrow to hear.

Tobin shut the door to the kitchen behind her and quickly fell backward against the wall, out of Harrow’s sight.She’s right,she thought as she pinched her eyes shut, trying to prevent the tears that were threatening to break free.But so am I. I can’t hurt someone again. I can’t hurt like that again.

Sighing, she pushed herself off the wall and began pulling ingredients from her cupboards. She began to lose herself in the motions, recalling memories of cooking with LoLo. Tobin’s stress notoriously melted away when enjoying LoLo’s heirloom recipes, ones she had begun bestowing upon her since she was old enough to hold a wooden spoon, kneading and folding them into Tobin’s DNA like a careful dough.

As her mind and body were overtaken with the artistry of prep, action and plating, Tobin felt her anxieties boil into the eggs she was poaching and steam away.

Tobin was musing on a recent mission, cleaning in an avoidant silence inside the hangar when Eddie’s careful, sultry voice cut through the stillness. “Are you going to make me force it from you? I thought Nadia was helping you open up.”

They’d received the call for the mission two days ago. The local sheriff ’s department had begun preliminary searches for a young post-grad student lost while researching mushrooms, but the rugged terrain and time elapsed since last known contact meant they requested aerial surveillance from Parrish Aerial.