Page 19 of The Ampersand Effect

He wasn’t wrong. She did want the chance to find love, maybe even build a family of her own. She wasn’t one to deliberately prevent the risk of heartbreak, but she certainly wasn’t relishing the idea of putting herself out there. She knew there was value in the connections along the way—but no one actually enjoyed the breakups.

And if she was being completely honest with herself, she knew she was scared. Nora’s death changed her—changed the way she loved. She was terrified of making herself vulnerable again, terrified of losing another woman she couldn’t live without.

“I appreciate your directness,” she said, meeting her brother’s gaze. “You’re right. I do want those things, and I’ve probably let my comfort here with you and Delta dull my drive to find them. I’ll make an effort to date again. But I’m not going to force it—I want it to feel organic. And it’s pretty obvious at this point that nothing will come of whatever that helicopter tour was…” She let her words fade, then added more firmly, “That being said, I’ll move out when I’m ready— with or without the lure of a partner. For now, I’m comfortable here. Is that okay?”

Grant leaned to envelop her in his arms. “You’re welcome here as long as you need. I just want you to be happy, Grier. As happy as I was. You deserve that.”

Seven

“Tobin, I’m doing your hair. Accept it,” Harrow said, perched across from her, watching her prep their dinner.

“I don’t need you to do my hair, Harrow. I’m wearing a tux, I can stick it in a low bun and call it good. Not worth the effort.”

“Itisworth the effort—especially if Dr. Savage is going to be there. She’s up for that award, right? Which means she’ll be dressed to the nines, and you need to match her efforts.”

“Now I’m definitely not letting you near my head. She has nothing to do with how I’m dressing, and she shouldn’t influence any of my actions that night. I’m there for Eddie. ForEddie’srecognition.”

“You and I both know Eddie will pawn you off on literally anyone who shows the slightest interest. Do yourself a favor—make a deliberate choice and connect with the doctor. At least then it’syourchoice. Besides… you’re hot for her. These walls are thin, sister. Don’t think I haven’t heard you.”

Tobin flushed hot, throat and cheeks burning, and hurled a slice of bell pepper at Harrow. It landed in her hair instead of square on her forehead.

“Don‘t be a brat. Youshouldbe getting off! I stalked her on the hospital’s website—she’s hot! If you didn’t have dibs, I might try to casually run into her,” Harrow taunted.

Another piece of pepper sailed across the counter. This one hit its mark. Harrow blinked dramatically, plucked the piece off her shirt, and chomped into it, accentuating the snap as it echoed in her mouth.

“I deserved that,” she admitted through a grin. “You know I’m kidding. But I’m one-hundred percent serious about dressing to catch her eye on Saturday.”

Tobin kept chopping, ignoring the burn of Harrow’s gaze. She knew her sister was just trying to help, but everyone’s sudden investment in her personal life was adding so much pressure to her, trying to force a romance that she wasn’t certain she wanted and was less certain she was capable of.

Tobin had absolutely caved to her physical needs more than usual this past week—and Dr. Savage was the centerfold of her imaginings.Gods, she wanted to slip her tongue through the little pendant resting at the hollow of the doctor’s throat, taste the salt of her skin, feel the heat of it against her lips. She wanted the pleasure of the doctor’s consent vibrating through her throat as Tobin trailed kisses from the necklace up to the irresistible dimple in her chin.

Her center fluttered as her mind wandered. And wander it did. She recalled her most recent fantasy, using her captain’s tie to bind and tease—first slipping it over the doctor’s eyes, then securing her wrists, denying her touch. Tobin imagined the way she’d strain against the tie, begging to run her fingers through Tobin’s hair and hold tight, to guide Tobin to the most sensational parts of her pleasure, and climbing gradually to her release.

Shit. She was soaked—and she couldn’t go change. Harrow would notice and she’d renew her recalcitrant pleas for Tobin’s pursuit of the doctor.

A piece of bell pepper hit Tobin in the chest. She looked up, startled—she’d been so focused on her fantasies she’d missed what Harrow had said.

“Get out of your head, and get her in your bed. I know that look. Don’t even try to deny it.”

“Fine. She’s hot as hell, clearly interested in me, and I’d be an idiot to let the chance go. Is that what you want to hear?” Tobin deadpanned.

“Yes. But withemotionbehind it. Don’t tell me what I want to hear. Say what you mean.”

“Ihavebeen saying what I mean. You and Eddie are just blatantly refusing to hear me. I don’t want a relationship. I want a baby. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to hurt someone else. Hear me, please! I’m tired of this conversation.”

Harrow’s shoulders fell. “I think your body and your mind are asking for two different things, T. What if you just had a little fun before your fertility treatments? If it’s only physical, you can part ways before your appointments. If you happen to fall madly in love… would it be so bad to go through the fertility process with a partner? Isn’t that your ideal scenario?”

“In a perfect world, sure. But this one’s a giant dumpster fire, and I don’t want to risk hurting anyone—even if it’s just physical. Which it never is. Someone always falls. Feelings always get shredded. It’s the whole forbidden fruit thing. I need to be in the best emotional state possible before fertility treatments, and juggling a new relationship on top of that sounds stressful and all-consuming. I don’t want it.”

Harrow sighed, conceding. “Fine. But I’m still doing your hair—if for no other reason than it feels good to have someone massage your scalp and make you feel beautiful.”

“I would have let you do my hair without a fight if you’d led with that argument,” Tobin retorted. “You gotta learn your audience, little sister.”

A second piece of pepper hit Tobin square on the forehead. Tobin snorted playfully. “Get out of my kitchen! Go start a fire. I’ll bring the food out when it’s ready.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re impossible?” Harrow smiled over her shoulder as she headed for the basement stairs to access the patio and fire pit.

“Yeah,you. About every day since you learned how to talk.” Tobin had to raise her voice slightly as Harrow walked further away. Lower, she added, “And you’re not so agreeable yourself.”