Page 59 of The Ampersand Effect

Tobin sat on the couch across from her long-time therapist, Nadia. As promised, she had scheduled an appointment after the turbulent events of the weekend, leaning on Nadia’s intimate knowledge of her history as a compass for her emotional goals.

“Initially, I thought I was confused. But—even before the kiss—I think I knew I wasn’t confused. I think my original response to Grier’s question at the gala was the brunt of it. I’m scared.” She met Nadia’s eyes as she spoke, long passed the squeamish stage of discussions about her feelings. Nadia had seen her—and walked her through—her very worst. It was Tobin’s hope that her counselor could help her navigate this blip on her radar—Grier—and help her determine if she was willing to alter course on her strategic plans for the future.

She felt Nadia assessing her. The urge to fidget with the couch cushions tugged at her hands, an outlet for restless emotions she couldn’t quite name.

“Fear is something we all deal with, Tobin. You deal with it every day, in yourself and in your career. You’ve dealt with fearafter your accident, and in your loneliness after Talia.” Nadia uncrossed and recrossed her legs in the opposite direction, leaning further into her chair. “Why do you think the idea of a new relationship brings up so much fear for you?”

Tobin went quiet, thinking. Fear was rarely one-dimensional. She knew there were multiple angles to assess, a spectrum of answers. She’d done enough introspection over the years—and in the past few days—to already know the answer Nadia was surely seeking. She just wasn’t sure she wanted to hear herself say it out loud.

“I…” she hesitated, the urge to finger the pillow’s edges causing her fingers to twitch against her will. “I… want.”

She looked at Nadia, hoping the emotion in her voice—in that single word—conveyed all of her fears in a way only Nadia could understand.

Nadia’s posture remained unchanged, but Tobin caught the faintest glimmer in her eyes—one that looked a lot like pride.

“Tobin. That’s a four-letter word in your book.”

“I feel like, in the interest of full disclosure, I also have to say it’s closely followed byhope,” Tobin admitted in a gush of words, knowing if she didn’t say it quickly, she’d bury it.

Nadia smiled kindly. “I understand your fear better. And I feel like, in the interest of full disclosure”—her smile broadened as she repeated Tobin’s phrasing—“I already like this woman.”

Tobin let herself smile. The relief of her admission—the ownership of her feelings—seemed to physically lighten her body.

“Now,” Nadia leaned forward, already smiling with an edge of wickedness, “what are you going to do about it?”

“That’s why I’m here, Nadia. Every time I get close to her,eventhinking about her… I get a flood of different emotions. I’m intrigued, I’m nervous, I’m curious—and so fucking aroused. The rush of chemicals makes me want to pick her up, carryher to bed, and have our wicked way with each other. But then it’s immediately overlapped by this heaviness in my body, of memories of Talia, and the hurt. And I feel my walls reinforce—thicker and higher each time. And…” Tobin paused, organizing her thoughts.

“And?” Nadia prodded.

“And. I think that summarizes it.Her. There’s just a never- endingandwith Grier. Even when I decide to stop things, to control my emotions, to control myself—there she is. Again. She’s an infinite ampersand of fantasy with the promise of tomorrow.”

“And,” Nadia emphasized, “tomorrow is what scares you.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yeah.”

“You know what I’m going to tell you, right?” Nadia deadpanned.

Tobin released a puff of air through pursed lips, accompanied by a slight groan as she sank deeper into the couch cushions. “Yeah. But I’m paying you to say it, so you should probably deliver on the terms of our professional relationship. For my benefit.” She tried to lighten the mood before receiving the direction on the tip of Nadia’s lips.

“Seizetoday, Tobin.”

“But what about the baby? We haven’t even talked about that yet,” Tobin pleaded.

“What about the baby?”

“I want a baby, Nadia! I have my appointment scheduled. I can’t start a relationship now!” Tobin’s emotions swirled in her chest.

“You can have a baby,” Nadia said evenly. “But we both know— as we’ve discussed this ad nauseam—that your preference is for a family. And now that one is potentially knocking at your door, you’re finding excuses to sabotage.”

“I’m not sabotaging!” Tobin snapped, heat rising in her voice. “What else would you call it? You want a family. An attractive, determined woman is interested in you—interest you admittedly share—and you’re falling back on your backup plan.”

“No, that’s not what’s happening. Thebabyis the plan; Grier is the backup.”

“I disagree. You’ve always wanted a family, Tobin. The baby became the primary plan when you decided you weren’t going to partner.”

“I don’t want to raise a child in a broken home. I’ll be a mess, and I can’t pretend I’d be able to pull myself together to care for a kid after a divorce, when I know I’ll barely be able to take care of myself.” “That. That—right there—is the problem.” Nadia looked at her, trying to imbue meaning through her stare.

“What? We just talked about the fear. This isn’t new,” Tobin deflected.