Page 60 of Tangled Hearts (Mended Hearts #4)

Eli

I ’m alone when I wake up. I have to admit, it’s not my favorite, but since it’s still the middle of the night, it’s also a bit concerning. “Nic?” I whisper, looking around the room in the dark.

There’s no response, so I jump out of bed and throw an oversized t-shirt on.

The door is shut, which is strange to me.

If Nic was going to the bathroom or something, why wouldn’t he just leave the door open?

When I step into the hallway, the bathroom door is also closed, but the light is on.

I knock. “Are you okay?” I hope he’s not sick.

There’s a loud crash, then a muffled noise. “Yeah.”

“Are you sick or something?”

For a few minutes, he doesn’t say anything. In fact, there’s no noise at all. And then it almost sounds like he’s choking. “I’m coming in.”

I give it a second to see if he’s going to tell me no, and then I push the door open. I’m not sure what I expected, but it wasn’t for him to be sitting on the floor against the wall with his face buried against his knees. I drop beside him. “Nic? ”

His back rises and falls with a heavy breath, then he looks at me. His tear-stained face has my heart clenching painfully. “What’s wrong?” I whisper, panic rising in my chest.

He shakes his head, then clears his throat. “I’m just… sad. I don’t know.”

My heart squeezes. “Why are you in here?”

“Well…” He shrugs, turning his gaze from mine. “I, uh—didn’t want to bother you.”

I sit on that for a second, mostly because my initial reaction is to be snappy.

To assume it’s because he doesn’t think I can handle it—to think the worst—but he’s proven to me time and time again that I don’t have to do that.

“Is there a reason you didn’t think you could talk to me about your feelings? ”

Nic sighs, toying with the material of his sweats. “No. It’s—well, it’s my job to take care of you, not the other way around. You asked me to take control, and I can’t be in control if I’m a fucking mess.”

“That’s bullshit.”

His gaze snaps to mine. “What do you mean?”

“I give you control because I like how it feels, Nic. I trust you with that because… I—I just do. There’s something so safe about you.

But I’m also a grown man. I can handle hard things.

I give up control to you because I enjoy it.

Not because I’m incapable of handling things myself.

” His eyes widen some, likely worried he’s offended me, but I’m on a roll now, so I don’t even slow down.

“If you’re sad or mad or afraid, I want you to share those things with me.

I don’t—” I glance around the bathroom. “I don’t want you hiding out all on your own to deal with it yourself.

It’s my job to take care of you too. For us to take care of each other. ”

Nic swallows hard, his throat bobbing. “ I’m sorry.”

I don’t need him to be sorry. I need him to know that I can be there for him just as much as he’s been there for me. I push to my feet and hold my hand out to him. “Come on.”

“Where?” he questions, but he gives me his hand and lets me help him to his feet.

“To bed. The man I love is sad. This calls for cuddles.”

He lets out a choked laugh. “Not everything can be solved with cuddles, Eli.”

Of course not. I know that. “No, you’re right. But it sure does fucking help.”

I lead him back to the bedroom and climb into the bed. After getting the pillows situated against the headboard, I lean back against them and spread my legs. Nic eyes me warily from where he’s standing beside the bed. “Well, come on then.”

His lips curve into a smile, and then he crawls up between my legs, resting his head over my heart. My hands find their way into his hair, and I let the waves slip through my fingers as I run them through the strands.

He sinks into my embrace, his breath shuddering out of him. “You know you don’t always have to be in control, right? You’re allowed to lean on me too. I can handle it.”

“I know,” he whispers. “But it’s not like you can do anything about it, and why burden you if I don’t have to?”

I let one of my hands drop from his hair to run my fingers over his nape and down his back. “Maybe I can’t do anything about it, but I can still be here for you. I can still take care of you.”

Nic sighs. “It’s just… all the stuff with Holden. I told him it doesn’t change how I see him, and it doesn’t.” He raises up to look into my eyes. “It doesn’t, Eli. I don’t think he’s less than because of his trauma. Fuck no. Of course not. ”

I give him a small smile. “I know that. And so does he.”

His eyes squeeze closed, and then he drops his head down, scooting up a little until he can press his face against my throat. It makes me smile. I kind of like being the cuddler instead of the cuddlee. I like being Nic’s safe space the way he’s mine.

“I hate it. Like, I hate that he went through that. I hate that you could have. It just makes me feel so privileged, and I hate that.”

“You do realize that trauma’s not some badge of honor, right?

And I can’t speak for Holden, but I’m fucking thrilled that you never went through anything like we did.

I’ve spent my entire adult life trying to help kids like me, trying to prevent them from falling through the cracks and suffering my fate, Holden’s fate, and my dad’s fate.

In some ways, even I’m privileged. Not everyone gets adopted into families like mine.

Not everyone has someone buy their first house or their first car. Not everyone has Beck and Roman.”

He’s quiet for a second. “I just… I wish I could do more.”

“Do you want to know the best thing you can do with your privilege?” I ask, grazing my nails over his scalp.

He pulls his face from my neck and blinks down at me. “Yes.”

“Use it,” I say softly.

His eyes go round. “How?”

“In all the ways you already do. You don’t have to fix the past, Nic.

You can’t. And I wouldn’t want you to. Holden wouldn’t either.

Our lives weren’t always filled with joy and love, but those experiences shaped us; they made us who we are.

Maybe it’s a hot take, but I wouldn’t change anything about my life.

If my bio dad hadn’t abused me, I wouldn’t have shown up at The Hart Foundation.

I wouldn’t have been adopted. I wouldn’t have met you. ”

His eyes well up with tears, and my heart thuds hard against my ribs .

“Keep showing up at The Hart Foundation. Keep showing up for kids who need you at Safe Haven. Keep being a safe space. Keep loving Holden. Love him for the fierce, protective, sometimes broken person he is. Use that privilege to love with your whole heart and make the world just a little better everywhere you go.”

Nic blinks, and a tear runs slowly down his cheek. “God, Eli. You are so perfect.”

I’m really not, but I love that he thinks so. I press a gentle kiss to his lips. “Not even close.”

He kisses me again, resting his forehead against mine as our lips move against each other. It’s slow and soft and kind of everything. No, I wouldn’t change a single thing. Everything in my life led me to right here, and right here is pretty damn perfect.

Nic’s tongue brushes my bottom lip, and the feeling makes my heart skip a beat.

I open to him, offering him more, and he slips his tongue past my lips, deepening the kiss. It’s reverent, almost like he’s worshiping me. God, I could just kiss him forever and be happy. Could have him like this and never want for anything ever again.

I longed for love like this. To be seen and cared for. To be touched like this. And now I have it. I have him.

Nic braces himself above me with one hand on the bed, then his other hand comes up. I’m expecting it to wrap around my throat, but instead, he brushes his knuckles along my cheek and down my jaw. The tender motion makes my stomach flip and my breath catch.

He breaks our kiss gently, staring down at me with hazy, lust-blown eyes.

“Beautiful,” he whispers, letting his fingertips brush my cheekbone.

“You are so fucking beautiful. Inside and out.” My heart races, his words settling deep inside me.

“I am so lucky to have you.” He shakes his head like he’s awed.

“I could live a hundred years and never deserve you, Eli. Your heart, your fire, your determination. You love with your whole heart, and I’m so fucking lucky that I get to live in that love. ”

I don’t even know what to say to that. My heart feels like it might burst, my stomach fluttering with happy butterflies. “I love you too,” I whisper because even though he didn’t say he loved me in so many words, that was a declaration if I’ve ever heard one.

His eyes light up, his lips curving into a small smile. I want him. I always fucking want him, but I want to make him feel good. I want to show him how much I love him.

I push at his chest, and he rolls to his back.

I dip my head, pressing my lips to the soft patch of skin under his jaw.

He inhales a slow breath, so I keep going.

Pressing kiss after kiss along his throat, down his chest. When I can’t go any further in my current position, I shift, sitting up beside him.

I hook my fingers into the waistband of his sweatpants and tug them down until he gets the memo and lifts his hips so I can pull them off.

I toss them to the ground beside the bed, not really caring much where they land. Now that there’s nothing in my way, I settle between his legs and continue my path down his body, sucking his peaked nipples into my mouth, swirling my tongue around them until he groans and arches toward me.

I won’t lie. This makes me feel so fucking good.

That I can bring him pleasure. That I can make him feel this way.

Working my way down his stomach, I keep the same slow pace.

Kissing him and laving my tongue over him, savoring the slight salt of his skin on my tongue. God, he tastes so fucking good.