Page 57 of Tangled Hearts (Mended Hearts #4)

Eli

N ic and I walk in the front door of Holden and Julian’s house holding hands. It feels a little strange, since I’ve gotten so used to not being able to touch him like this, but it’s a relief.

My head still hurts, and my eyes are still a little puffy, but as soon as I see the setup, a smile tugs at my lips.

There are blankets piled up all over the floor, from one side of the room to damn near the other, with pillows and even a couple of stuffed animals. “What’s all this?” Nic asks, giving my fingers a little squeeze.

“Comfort,” I reply. “Holden-style, if I had to guess.”

The door to Hold and Julian’s bedroom opens, and Julian walks out.

He stops short when he sees us, and for a second, I worry he’s going to be mad.

He’s the only person we haven’t told directly that we’re together.

Surely to God he’s not going to be the one with a problem, though. Not if everyone else is fine with it.

I barely have time to stress because he strides toward me, eyes locked on mine and arms wide open.

I drop Nic’s hand and stumble to him. Giant, warm arms wrap around me, and I bury my face in Julian’s chest. “So fucking proud of you, Eli,” he murmurs, rubbing my back and squeezing the life out of me.

Tears spring to my eyes, my throat tightening. “I’m sorry for hitting you.”

He chuckles, pulling back long enough to tap my nose. “Don’t be sorry. Don’t ever be sorry for that.” And then I’m back in his arms. Thank God he’s not mad at me. It’s one thing for Holden to say it. It’s something entirely different to get this type of reaction.

There’s nothing like a hug from Julian. Well, maybe a hug from Danny—Beck’s dad.

They’ve got that same gentle giant, will squeeze you to death but also love you to death, teddy bear thing going for them.

I love it so much. Uncle Julian used to scare me a bit when I was younger.

Not like I thought he would hurt me, but when you spend your life feeling small and trying to make yourself smaller, having someone larger than life like Julian focus their attention on you can make you feel… too visible.

I let my arms fall, and Julian does the same, then he’s giving Nic the same treatment. “Thank you for coming to get me. Thank you for forgiving him. He was so worried about talking to you.”

Nic’s breath hitches. “There was nothing to forgive.”

Julian nods, patting Nic on the back. “Still, you mean a lot to us, and we want you to know that.”

“Okay,” Nic says with a little chuckle, pulling back from Julian. “Please don’t make me cry any more today. I’ve had enough.”

Julian looks a little puffy-eyed himself, if I’m being honest.

“Where’s Uncle Hold?” I ask.

Julian nods toward their room. “He’s lying down. He wanted a few minutes alone before he came out. He’s…” Julian sighs. “I think he’s a little worried about falling apart. It’s been a rough couple of days. ”

My throat tightens. I hate this. I wish there was something I could do.

I wish there was a way I could go back in time and save him from the horrors of what he lived through.

Part of me thinks I should probably leave him be, but a bigger part of me wants to be with him.

He’s never left me alone when I needed someone.

“I’m gonna go lie with him for a bit if you think that would be okay? ”

“I’m sure he’d love that.” Julian offers me a small smile. I turn, rising on my toes to kiss Nic, and then I tiptoe into Hold’s room.

He’s curled up in the center of his bed with the lights off and soft music playing from somewhere, but when I step inside and shut the door behind me, he sits up and looks at me. “Hey, little bestie.”

He sounds so emotionally done and exhausted, and it makes my heart hurt. “I was wondering if you wanted some company for a bit.”

He hesitates, like he’s weighing if he’s ready for that yet, but after a second he whispers, “Yes.” Then he’s holding the blankets up.

I climb in beside him and settle on the pillow next to him as he drops the blankets over us.

I’m not sure where he’s at emotionally, and I don’t want to fuck anything up, so I try my best to lie still and not touch him. But when he starts patting the bed between us, I offer him my hand.

For a long while, we lie in silence. The seconds tick by into minutes.

And even when I hear my dads arrive, we still don’t move or even speak.

Then Holden gives my fingers a squeeze and lets out a heavy breath.

“I scared the shit out of Julian.” He scared the shit out of me too, but now doesn’t seem like the time to bring that up.

“I keep thinking…” He trails off, letting out a humorless laugh.

“When’s he going to finally decide I’m too much? ”

That makes something twist in my chest. “You’re not too much.”

“He’s had to love me through so much shit.”

“You know,” I murmur. “A long time ago, at a wedding with people I barely knew, someone told me that love exists and the right people will love you through everything. Will stay through everything. He told me that the family I was joining loved people to madness. Completely. Faults and all. And that there was nothing I could do to break that love.” Holden’s silent for a minute.

“I think about that all the time, you know?”

Holden huffs out a laugh. “Whoever said that sounds like a smart guy.”

I hum. “He was—is.”

“I don’t feel very easy to love right now,” Holden whispers, voice cracking.

I snort a humorless laugh. “Was I easy to love at first?”

Holden sits up abruptly, staring down at me. “Of course you were. What does that even mean?”

I shrug. “I was hard. Scared, I didn’t trust easily. I had a lot of big emotions. Did you get tired of reassuring me at every step?”

“Absolutely not.”

I shoot him a pointed look. He smiles, rolling his eyes, but then his face falls and he just looks… defeated. “I fought him, Eli. I fought the love of my life. What am I supposed to do with that? He keeps looking at me like… fuck, I don’t know… like he’s…”

“Like the person he loves went through something traumatic and he wants to take care of you?” I ask, interrupting him.

He groans. “Yes. Ugh. I’m just so fucking tired of being the person who needs to be taken care of.”

I don’t want to make this moment strange, but at the same time, we’ve never shied away from difficult conversations. Part of why I feel so safe in this family is because of how open we are with each other. “I’m finding that it can be… nice to be taken ca re of.”

Holden blinks at me. “Gross. Nope. Stop. That’s my brother you’re talking about.”

But he bursts out laughing, and so do I. He laughs until he’s got tears streaming down his face, and then he’s sobbing. “Hold,” I whisper, sitting up and hugging him.

“Sorry. Sorry. Give me a second, and I’ll get it together.”

His chest heaves against mine. “Shut up. You don’t need to get it together.

You just need to let the people who love you…

love you. Come on. There’s like a whole…

cuddle station set up in the living room.

Let’s go hang out with everyone. Let us take care of you, Uncle Hold.

You’re always the one managing all of our shit. Let us manage yours a bit.”

He sits back, wiping at his face. “I’m really just tired of people seeing me at my worst.”

“It has to be some consolation that I’ve never seen you like this until a couple of nights ago. I have, however, watched my dad have a breakdown over a broken arm. That’s gotta make you feel a little good, at least.”

Holden chuckles. “Okay, that’s fair.”

I use my sleeve to wipe the tears off his face. “So, we’re gonna go out there, and you’re gonna feel what you feel. And if you cry, you cry. And you know we’ll love you no matter what. Julian, especially.”

“You’re awfully wise for your years,” Holden says, lips turning up in a smile.

“I hear trauma ages you.”

He lets out a startled laugh. “Isn’t that the truth?”

We walk into the living room together, and Julian’s head shoots up. He stares at Holden like he’s the only person to exist—the same way he always does .

I bump Holden with my shoulder. “Yeah, he looks positively fed up with your shit.”

“Hey, darlin’.” Julian flashes Holden a smile. “Come here, yeah? I have something for you.”

“Oh? What is it?” Holden asks, dropping my hand and stepping around the couch. As soon as he’s in grabbing distance, Julian tugs him into his lap. Holden gasps, then laughs. A carefree, happy laugh that makes me smile.

Julian wraps him up in his arms, holding him close to his body. “Nothing. I just wanted you in my arms.”

Nic and The Dads step into the living room from the kitchen. They’ve got their arms loaded down with bottles of water and snacks. Beck winks at me. “Okay. Come on. Everyone in the cuddle pile. We’re gonna watch a movie.”

“What are we watching?” Holden asks.

Nic steps up to me and takes my hand, leading me to the giant pile of blankets. Holden wiggles his way out of Julian’s arms and sits beside him. Nic settles himself on the floor beside Holden, and I sit down by Nic.

Nic seems surprised when Holden leans over, resting his head on his shoulder, but he gets a pleased little smile on his lips, laying his head on top of Holden’s.

The Dads settle in on the other side of me. “This is the most epic cuddle pile I’ve ever seen,” I say, glancing around.

Holden laughs. “What are we watching?” he asks again.

“Something funny,” Roman offers. “I can’t handle any jump scares right now. My dreams are already a mess without adding ghosts and demons to the mix.”

“Big baby,” Holden teases.

“I also veto scary movies,” Beck says .

“Bigger baby,” Holden repeats. Then he giggles. “Remember that time I put a Chucky doll in your bed as a prank?”

“What?” Nic asks, incredulous.

Beck groans. “It’s haunted me ever since. How could I forget? Do you remember climbing Julian like a tree when I popped up in a clown costume?”

Nic laughs. “Are you serious?”

Beck leans forward. “I have it on video.”

“Beck, if you show him that video, it’ll be the last thing you do,” Holden threatens.

Julian chuckles. “It was too good. But Roman and I had to shut it down. Those two can get out of control if we don’t. Sometimes I’m sure Roman’s my co-parent.”

Beck and Holden both gasp, and I giggle. I love my family so much.

“How dare you,” Holden mumbles.

“Yeah,” Beck echoes. “What the chaos twink said.”

Nic bites down hard on his bottom lip as he tries to fight a smile, then he mock-whispers, “I’d love to see the video.” Holden scoffs. “What? I feel like we missed out on years of brotherly teasing. We have a lot of time to make up for.”

“I hate everyone in this room,” Holden says, but he’s smiling, and it’s reaching his eyes. I’m under no illusions that the past is forgotten. Healing isn’t linear, and he’ll have more bad days before things are good again, but for now, he’s happy, and that makes me happy too.

I reach across Nic’s lap and take Holden’s hand. “Okay, movie,” I say. “Something with talking dogs.”

“Homeward Bound?” Roman suggests.

“Jesus, no,” Nic says. “I think we’re all a little tired of tears. What about The Secret Life of Pets?”

“Ooo,” Holden says. “Yeah, I like that one. ”

A murmur of agreement goes around the room, and Julian stretches out to grab the remote. “Secret Life of Pets, it is.”

As the movie starts, we all fall silent. Other than the occasional laugh or random bit of commentary, we all just watch the movie. It’s adorable, and I’m enjoying it. Anyone who says adults can’t enjoy a movie for kids is a fucking liar. There’s just something special about it.

By the time the credits roll, Holden has shifted off Nic’s shoulder and is asleep on Julian’s chest while Julian runs his fingers through his hair.

Nic is holding my hand under the blanket, and I’m resting my head on his shoulder.

And Roman is stretched out with his head on Beck’s thigh, dead asleep.

There’s a certain kind of comfort in all of us piled up together like this. A safety, almost. The only thing that would make it better is if the kids were here, but I understand why Holden wants them to stay with the grandparents for now. I let out a little sigh as I lean further into Nic’s side.

When we get home, Nic goes to our room to get the bed ready, and I take Kassie out to go potty.

Nic’s got the bed made when I walk into the room, and he hits me with a blinding smile when he sees me. I’m exhausted. But not body exhausted. Brain exhausted.

“Hey, Nic?”

“Yeah, doll?” he asks, fluffing the pillows on my side of the bed.

“Can you make my brain quiet?”

He turns to face me. “Of course. ”

I sit down on the edge of the bed, my stomach turning. I’m not really sure how to ask for what I want. But Nic’s never denied me a thing, so I take a deep breath. I’m so ready to hand everything over to him. “Can I ask you something?”

He nods, sitting down beside me and taking my hands in his. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” I offer him a smile. “You know how yesterday at my dads’ house, you called me your silent little doll?” He nods, confusion marring his brow. “I want that.”

“Can you explain that to me?”

“I’m not even sure it’s a thing, but I—well, I was hoping I could just… be your doll. Like maybe you could put me where you want me. And I won’t move or talk. Because dolls don’t have to talk or move. Is that a thing? Do people do that?”

I glance at him in time to see his pupils expand. His throat bobs. “Uh, I’m sure it is. That’s what you want? For me to treat you like an actual doll?”

I nod. “Yes. But you’ll be nice to me, right?”

He presses a soft kiss to my lips. “I’ll always be nice to you.”

I nod. “Can you, uh… like, do my makeup and stuff first? Dress me, maybe?”

Nic lets out a shaky breath, his eyes darkening. “Jesus, Eli.” His hand comes up to wrap around my throat, fingers tightening. “You want me to dress you up? Put your makeup on and pose you? My pretty little doll, all dolled up just for me?”

My breath catches. That sounds like actual fucking heaven. “Yes. Yes, please.”

“Fuck,” Nic breathes. “You want me to sit you on the edge of the bed, face all prettied up, and play with you however I want?”

A shiver runs down my spine. “Uh-huh. Please?”