Page 50 of Tangled Hearts (Mended Hearts #4)

Eli

W hen Nic disappears out the side door, my tears start fresh. “We should have told him,” I say, frustrated. With them. With myself. With this whole fucking night. This was supposed to be a good night.

Roman sighs. “Holden doesn’t want us to.”

“But that’s not fucking fair. He left me because you all decided to keep him in the dark.

” The words make something in my chest crack wide open.

I don’t think he left me. Not really. I know what it looks like when someone needs a break.

When they’re running from their own thoughts and not a person or a place.

“He told me he loves me,” I choke out, sniffling.

“He told me he loves me, and I didn’t even get to say it back. ”

Beck drops to the ground beside me, pulling me into a hug. “You’ll get to tell him, kiddo. Let’s give him a bit to calm down, okay? I’ll go talk to him in the morning. Do you still want to go home with us?”

I’m torn. A huge part of me wants to go home to Nic, but I’m scared. I’ve never seen Holden like that. Never. Not even when he told me about his past. When he told me the things that happened to him. He’s always been so… stoic. So strong.

I wanted to be that. I looked up to that. To him. I still do, of course. But what the actual fuck was that?

“What happened?” Roman asks softly. “What did he see?”

Oh great. On top of all this, now I get to tell my dads about my kinks? Perfect. “Nothing bad.” At least I don’t think so. “Nic had his hand on my throat, like wrapped around it. He wasn’t choking me; I wanted it,” I say, harsher than I mean to.

Beck chuckles, but it sounds sad. “You’re alright, Eli. No need to jump to the defensive. We know he wouldn’t hurt you.”

I sigh, relaxing a bit. “And then, I don’t know. Something just… went out in his eyes. I’ve never seen him look like that before.” Tears drip down my face and my hands start shaking.

Beck wraps his arms around me, and I bury my face against his chest and take a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. “He was hurting himself,” I whisper, echoing Nic’s words.

And I still don’t know how to process that Uncle Julian didn’t stop when he was asked to. I get it. I understand why he couldn’t let Hold hurt himself, but I don’t at the same time. It’s like it doesn’t compute.

Of course I got the safe sex talk from Beck and Roman, but Holden gave me his own version of the talk.

He talked to me about consent and how important it was.

How Uncle Julian has always listened to him and respected him and his boundaries.

He told me about his past and the things he survived, and now my stomach’s full of knots over the thought that Uncle Julian obliterated that trust by not listening to Holden when he told him no.

What does that mean? “Do you think Holden and Julian are going to be okay?” I ask into Beck’s chest.

He rubs a hand down my back, soothing me. “Yeah, they’ll be okay. ”

Tears well up in my eyes. “But Julian didn’t listen to him.”

“What do you mean?” Roman asks from behind me.

I pull myself from Beck’s arms and turn to look at him, swiping at my eyes. “I don’t know what happened really, but Uncle Holden was freaking out and—it was like… Holden kept saying no and stop and Julian—” My voice cuts off as a sob works its way up my throat. “Julian didn’t listen to him.”

Beck stands, only to start pacing. “I’m gonna go talk to my mom and dad, okay? You guys stay here. They’ll finish up for us, and then we’ll go home.”

I nod. “Okay,” I whisper.

After he leaves, Roman comes around, kneeling in front of me. “It’s gonna be okay, Eli.”

Fresh tears spill over my lashes. “It doesn’t feel like it’s gonna be okay, Dad.”

He nods. “I know. Holden’s strong, though. He’ll be okay.”

I shake my head. “You didn’t see him. You didn’t see the look in his eyes.” I inhale raggedly, trying to compose myself.

Beck steps back into the hallway. “Okay, we’re good. Mom’s gonna finish up. Come on. Let me get you two home.”

He reaches out a hand, helping first Roman and then me to our feet.

We walk out of the building together. None of us talk. I’m not sure what to even say right now. Part of me wants them to take me home so I can be with Nic. I don’t want him to be alone. Not even a little, but he ran off, so maybe alone is what he needs.

When we pull up at the house, we all climb silently from the car. We still don’t talk when we go inside. I walk into my room and change clothes. After scrubbing off my makeup in the bathroom, I go straight to Beck and Roman’s room. There’s not a chance in hell that I’m staying by myself tonight.

Beck’s sitting up, his back to the headboard, and Roman’s on the other side with the spot between them open. My heart hurts, but it does warm a little at the fact that they knew I would be here and they left a spot for me.

I dive in between them and burrow my way under the covers. I pull up my text thread with Nic.

Me

I’m here if you need me.

I could probably leave it at that, but I type another one.

Me

I’m sorry I made you run, but please come back to me. Please. Even if it’s the middle of the night, I don’t care. Just come back to me.

I blink down at my phone and hand it to Dad. “Can you put this on your end table?” He nods, taking it from me. I settle under the covers, and they each wrap an arm around me as I snuggle between them. As soon as we’re settled, tears start spilling down my temples and into my hair.

“What happened, kiddo?” Beck asks.

“I don’t really know,” I choke out. “Nic was telling me he was proud of me. And kissing me.” My cheeks heat, but I don’t even care. “And then the uh—the throat thing.”

Beck hums. “It’s okay, Eli. You’re an adult. You’re allowed to want whatever you want.”

I relax a little. “I know. But I don’t know.

It was like… Holden just—he disappeared.

” My throat goes tight. “I think he tried to fight it at first. And then he grabbed his throat and said, ‘No’ and ‘It’s not real. It can’t be real,’ and then he started…

clawing at it,” I choke out. “He made himself bleed. He was bleeding. He hurt himself.”

I feel Roman stiffen, and when I glance back at him, he’s crying too, shuddering with the force.

“And then Julian… God.” I let out a choked breath before more tears spill from my eyes and sobs rip from my chest. “Holden was screaming no, and Julian wouldn’t stop.

He had to—I know that—but what if Holden doesn’t?

What if Holden just remembers Julian ignoring him?

” My voice breaks. “He was crying and telling him no, and he just wouldn’t quit. ”

“Sometimes,” Roman says softly, tears choking his voice. “When you love someone as much as Julian loves Holden, you have to do what’s best for them. Julian would never, ever hurt Holden. You know that, Eli. And Holden does too.”

Beck murmurs his agreement. “Holden was hurting himself. Julian had no choice. He had to take care of him in the only way he knew how. And if I know Julian, he’s just as heartbroken about it as you are.”

“I hit him,” I sob. “I hit Julian. What if he doesn’t love me anymore?”

Beck makes a sad noise in his throat. “He’ll probably love you even more.”

That doesn’t make any fucking sense, but I have to believe it—I have to. My heart won’t survive otherwise. I can’t lose Nic and Holden and Julian in the same night. I just can’t .

“In the morning, I’ll go get Nic, okay?” Beck says. “We’ll give him tonight to calm down and collect his thoughts. And tomorrow, I’ll bring him home.”

I nod. “Okay. Thank you.”

We all fall silent, and I let my eyes close. Roman’s arm tightens around me. I’m not sure that I’ll be able to sleep tonight, but at least I’m not alone.

I drift in and out, flashes of horror playing on a loop through my mind.

Holden tearing at his throat.

Nic crying, mouth open, eyes black.

Blood dripping over my fingers as I try to stop Holden from bleeding.

Nic leaving me.

Holden gasping and crying.

Julian ignoring Holden with a sinister smile on his face.

A scream jolts me out of my fitful sleep.

Roman sits up, clutching at his chest as he gasps and shakes.

“Swap spots with me, Eli,” Beck mumbles, half-asleep. I do, climbing over him and off the bed so he can scoot to the middle, and then I climb back in after him.

“Hey, beautiful,” he whispers, grabbing Roman and tugging him into his arms. “Come here. You’re okay. I’ve got you.”

My heart cracks, my eyes welling up. I lie silently while Roman cries in Beck’s arms—his worry and grief spilling into his dreams, just like it does mine.

The bed rocks slightly, and I can tell that Beck is rocking Roman back and forth.

I can hear the low murmuring of his voice as he whispers to him.

I roll over and grab my phone, checking my messages to Nic. He hasn’t responded, but I send him another one.

Me

I’m having a really bad night. I wish I had come with you. I miss you. I’m sorry.

I place the phone back on the end table and scoot closer to Beck.

After what feels like forever, Roman’s sobs ease and his breathing evens back out.

I blink, and I’m standing in the hallway again.

Holden screams, but it sounds garbled, so I turn to look at him. Bile crawls up my throat when I do. Blood is pouring from his open mouth, down his chin, and into his tux, staining it red. His eyes are black, empty nothingness.

I try to run after him, but my legs won’t work. Why can’t I get my legs to work? I scream for him. Scream his name. Scream so loud my voice cracks.

I wake up sobbing.

“Eli. Hey, kiddo.” Beck’s soft voice washes over me, and I turn to him, pressing my face against his chest as my body shakes.

“I can’t do this. I can’t—I can’t.”

Roman stirs. “Nightmare?” he whispers, his voice crackly and ruined.

“Yeah, beautiful.” Beck holds me tighter, rubbing my back. “It’s okay. I’ve got him. Try to get some more sleep.”

“Not gonna happen,” he responds, reaching over Beck to squeeze my arm. “I’m sorry, kiddo.”

“Not your fault,” I choke out, shaking in Beck’s arms. “Can we call Uncle Julian? Please?”

Beck freezes. “It’s the middle of the night, Eli. If they’re asleep, I don’t want to wake them.”

He’s right. Of course he is. “Okay. Alright. You’re right.” He resumes his gentle stroking of my back. “I’m sorry I’m so damn needy. I bet you didn’t think you’d end up with this shit when you adopted me.”

Beck lets out a broken laugh that Roman echoes. Beck leans back, and I glance up at him. “Oh no, our grown son loves and trusts us so much he allows himself to take comfort when he needs it. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to us, Eli.”

I almost want to roll my eyes, but they already hurt from crying, so I better not.

Roman yawns. “He’s right. You’re not a burden, Eli. You’re a gift. One we thank our lucky stars for every single day.”

I sniffle hard, hot tears pouring from my eyes. “Okay,” I whisper. “I love you guys.”

“We love you too,” they say at the same time.

“I know it’s hard,” Roman says, giving my arm another squeeze. “But we really should try to sleep more.”

I close my eyes. I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep anymore. And even if I can, do I really want to? Not if it means dreaming. I focus on my breathing. In and out. In and out. In and out.

My body relaxes, my heart slowing. I focus on the steady breathing from my dads and let sleep take me.

“You should have told me, Eli.”

I turn around, and Nic is standing in front of me. We’re in my living room, but it feels strange. Not quite right.

“I couldn’t,” I whisper.

“You should have.” He shakes his head. “I trusted you, Eli. And you lied to me. You betrayed me like the rest.”

“I didn’t, though. I didn’t!” I walk up to him, reaching out to touch him.

He steps away from me, so I move closer, holding a hand out. “Don’t touch me. I don’t want you. You lied to me. You betrayed me.”

“But I love you,” I whisper. “I love you. Please.”

Nic shakes his head. “You don’t love me.”

I do, though. Can’t he see that I do?

“Eli? Wake up, kiddo. You’re okay.”

I sit straight up, drenched in sweat, gasping loudly as I work to catch my breath. The sun is starting to stream through the windows. Thank God. Thank fucking God. I open my mouth to speak, but all that comes out is a sob. “I’m sorry.”

Beck pats my back. “You’re okay.”

“You’re gonna go get Nic, right?” I ask, turning to him. Roman’s awake too, his eyes locked on me—sad and exhausted. “How many nightmares did I have?”

Beck shakes his head. “A lot.”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper again, shame souring my stomach.

Roman chuckles. “Hey, kid. Me too. Waiting for the day that Beck has finally had enough of my shit.”

“I can only handle one of you being worried I’m gonna leave you at a time, yeah? I would rather die than lose either of you. So both of you chill out. It’s a bad night, not a bad life. And I’d do this every night for the rest of my life for both of you.”

I know that. And so does Roman. We exchange a look, then I nod. “Okay. I’m—”

Beck raises an eyebrow at me, silencing my apology. “I’m gonna go get Nic. I can’t do a lot to fix the situation right now. But I can fix that. Neither of you is allowed to leave this bed until I get back. I’ll be back in thirty minutes.”

He climbs out of bed and disappears into the closet to change, and when he comes out, he kisses my forehead.

Roman sits up and leans into him when Beck holds his arms open.

They hug for a few minutes, just soaking in each other’s comfort.

I can’t wait to do that with Nic. Hopefully. If he comes back.

God, I hope he comes back.