Page 52 of Tangled Hearts (Mended Hearts #4)

“He’s not Holden’s nephew by blood. But that’s why I couldn’t love him, Si. I had just met my brother. I wanted to know him. I wanted to have a relationship with him and then he—then he saw, he saw…” My voice cuts off as my lungs refuse to let me get any air.

“Breathe, Nic,” Silas urges, and I inhale a raspy breath.

“Something happened to him, but no one will tell me what. Not even Eli. And then I left him there. What if he doesn’t forgive me for that?”

Silas falls silent. “I’m not sure what you’re looking for here, Nic.”

Me neither, truthfully. I think I just needed a touch of normalcy.

A piece of home. A home that doesn’t exist anymore.

A place I rarely allow myself to long for anymore.

Two kids running through the woods and swinging together.

Whispering secrets in the dark and playing hide-and-go-seek.

Teenagers talking about their first crushes and sneaking through each other’s windows.

“I just needed my friend, Si,” I whisper.

“For tonight. Just for tonight, can you be my Silas again?”

Silas swallows hard enough that I can hear it through the phone. “Of course, Nic. Anything you need.”

“I miss you sometimes,” I say, my voice barely audible. “I hate that I do, but I do. I keep finding myself wanting to text you. To tell you about my life. And I can’t. I hate that I can’t.”

“I’m sorry,” Silas whispers. “I miss you too.”

I wish he didn’t say that, but I think I kind of needed it. At least a little bit. “I don’t want to talk anymore.”

“Okay.” He sounds disappointed. “I’ll let you go. Call me anytime.”

“Don’t hang up. I don’t want to talk, but I don’t want to be alone. Can you just… stay on the phone with me? Please?”

Silas is quiet for a beat. “Yeah, I can do that.”

I nod, then lean back on the couch, closing my eyes. It’s still silent. Too silent. But for right now, I’m not alone.

“Wow. The couch is smart. I always just slept on the floor when the bed seemed too empty.” I startle awake, my head throbbing, to find Beck standing inside the door.

“Holy shit. You scared the fuck out of me.” I sit up, looking around the living room. “Is Eli here?”

Beck lets out a little sigh and shakes his head, sitting down beside me. “No. He’s still in bed with Roman.”

My heart gives a pang. Oh. Well, that makes sense. I nod, swallowing around the lump in my throat. “What are you doing here? ”

“You’re not happy to see me?” He puts a hand over his chest, feigning offense. “I’m gonna be your father-in-law someday, young man.”

That almost makes me laugh. I think my mouth even tries to do that, but instead, a sob comes out. And then another. I cover my face, bracing my elbows on my knees.

Arms wrap around me, and before I know it, I’m being pulled against Beck’s chest. “Hey, shh. It’s okay.”

It doesn’t feel very okay. Not even a little.

I can’t quite get my mouth to say that, though.

Instead, I just keep crying. This emotional upheaval doesn’t seem like it’ll ever end.

I managed to make it through the whole night without crying, and now I’m gonna lose it?

Perfect. “Is Holden okay?” I finally manage to whisper. “Is Eli?”

Beck hums. “I haven’t talked to Holden, but Julian called this morning and let me know they both made it through the night.

Holden has an appointment with his therapist today, and he needs time.

Eli is… well, he’s as okay as can be expected.

He slept with me and Roman last night. Had a couple of nightmares. Nothing I couldn’t handle.”

But he shouldn’t have to be handling it.

Not anymore. I promised Eli. And then I let him down.

“I’m sorry.” I pull myself away from Beck.

It doesn’t matter how good his soft comfort feels; it’s not something I deserve.

I scrub at my face, trying to wash the tears away, but more just keep coming.

“He already thinks he’s easy to leave, Beck.

And I just proved him right. And that’s not even counting what I did to Holden.

What I did to my relationship with him.”

Beck’s quiet for so long I’m sure he’s not going to speak at all. One single night. Two bad choices, and the family I just started feeling a part of is gone. Just like that. “Holden will want you happy.”

I shoot him a look, not sure I fully believe that .

He sighs. “Okay. For argument’s sake, let’s say he doesn’t care about your happiness, but I know he does. Don’t you think he wants Eli’s happiness?”

Well, okay… I guess I can’t argue with that.

“Whatever happened? Whatever triggered him? It’s not your fault. Or Eli’s. I’d bet my life it has nothing to do with either of you. Are you okay?”

I let out a wet laugh. “Not at all.”

“You should have come home with us last night.”

I side-eye Beck. “Yeah? So Eli and I could both be in your bed?”

Beck smiles, and to my surprise, it reaches his sleepy blue eyes.

“Sure. Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had one of you brothers in my bed.

I know there’s still a lot you need to learn about this family.

Our family. Your family. We lean on each other during hard times.

” Of course they do. I’ve seen it. “The first time I met Julian, Wren was sick. Did you know that?”

I shake my head.

Beck hums. “Aplastic anemia. Holden and Julian were falling in love, and Wren was in and out of the hospital. Julian was a fucking mess, understandably.” Beck leans back against the couch, settling in and getting comfortable.

“He didn’t know how to let people be there for him, either.

Didn’t know how to open up and lean on the people who love him. ”

“That’s different, though,” I argue. “You guys don’t love me.” Eli might. Hopefully. Holden does, I think. Not that we’ve said it out loud to each other. I sure as fuck love Holden. I have since I knew he existed.

Beck laughs, soft and incredulous. “Why would you say that? That we don’t love you?”

I shrug. “Why would you? I haven’t done anything to earn it. ”

Beck turns to face me, the smile sliding off his face.

“What makes you think love has to be earned?” I open my mouth to speak, but he shakes his head, and I fall silent.

“That’s not how it works. Love isn’t some metric you have to measure up to and deserve.

And in case you’ve missed it somehow, we give love pretty fucking freely in this family. ”

I nod, too stunned to do anything else. “But…”

“But nothing. I had Wren calling me Uncle Beck days after I met her. Because she was part of Julian, and Julian was part of Holden, and Holden was part of me. And then you came along. And we loved you too. Instantly. The second Holden called us to tell us about you, I already loved you. And now? Now that I know you? Now that Eli loves you?” My heart skips a beat.

God, I so fucking hope Eli loves me. “Now I love you infinitely more.”

“But I hurt him,” I whisper, shame threatening to close my throat.

Beck nods. “You did.” My chest aches, almost caving in to have that confirmed, even though I already knew.

“But you were hurt too. What you saw was hard. It was hard for both of you. Fuck, it was hard for me, and all I had to do was listen to Eli tell us about it. You didn’t leave because you don’t care about Eli, right? ”

“Of course not. I left because I—” My voice cuts off as more tears trickle out of my eyes and down my cheeks.

Beck places a hand on my thigh and squeezes. “Because you were scared.”

“Yeah,” I choke out.

“Holden used to be scared too. For different reasons than you, but the reason doesn’t much matter—the fear is the same. Roman told him to be scared with Julian, not without him.”

“Wise words.”

“Indeed,” Beck says, nodding. “Roman and I know a thing or two about running because of fear. We lost ten years of our lives to fear—ten years we’ll never get back, and we don’t like to see our mistakes repeated.

You don’t have to be fearless. You just have to be present.

That’s what we’re here for. That’s what family is. ”

I swallow hard, my fear almost choking me. “What if he doesn’t forgive me?”

“He already has. He spent half the night crying over Holden and half the night crying because he was worried about you being alone.”

I rub my hand over my chest like that somehow might stem the pain blooming there.

“And I spent the whole night feeling sorry for myself instead of being there for him like I promised him I’d be.

” Fuck, I called Silas. I talked to Silas just so I wouldn’t have to face my failures.

“I can’t help but feel like he deserves someone better than that. ”

Beck surprises me by laughing. “Roman used to say the same thing about me. And Holden about Julian. And Eli about his place in our family. God, that kid was convinced for years that we were going to give him back.”

“That’s ridiculous. You guys are amazing. And Eli is… fuck, he’s… everything. He deserves everything.”

“So he doesn’t have to earn love, but you do?”

Those words stop me dead. “That’s not what I’m saying.”

Beck raises an eyebrow at me. “Isn’t it, though?”

I look down at my hands, trying to ignore the way they’re starting to tremble. “It’s different.”

Beck scoffs. “Why? Because it’s you? Everyone in the world deserves love except you?

Should you have walked away last night? No.

But we all make mistakes. That doesn’t make us undeserving of love.

” I nod, my eyes burning again. “Come home with me, please? I understand why you didn’t last night.

I do, but today is a new day. You came here looking for family, Nic.

And now you have us. Let us be there for you. ”

“What if Eli doesn’t want to see me?” I whisper, still staring at my hands.

“Not even going to dignify that with a response. Go shower. I’ll let Kassie out and get her stuff together to bring with us. Charge your phone too. I tried calling this morning, but it kept going to voicemail, so I’m assuming it’s dead. Then we’ll go home.”

Beck’s tone has a certain finality to it, and truthfully? I don’t want to argue anyway. What’s the point? It’s not like every single part of me isn’t aching to have Eli in my arms. It’s not like I’m not dying to apologize to him and tell him I love him and kiss his beautiful face.

It’s not like I haven’t spent months longing for the very thing Beck’s offering me.

I’m not sure I’ve ever moved so fast in my life.