Page 49 of Tangled Hearts (Mended Hearts #4)

Nic

I leave Eli in the hallway against my better judgement, running off to find Roman and Beck.

My mind is racing, my heart pounding so hard it feels like it might actually explode from my chest. I don’t know much, but I know a trauma response when I see one. I know what being triggered looks like. I don’t know why seeing me with Eli triggered Holden, but that’s exactly what happened.

There’s a lead weight in my stomach as I scan the room.

I’m shaking damn near violently, my legs barely holding me up.

He was hurting himself. He was digging his nails into his skin and ripping it open.

There’s still blood on my fingers from trying to hold his hands.

Still a throbbing ache in my jaw where he hit me.

I catch Beck’s eye, and he smiles at me.

Relief washes over me as I wave him toward me.

He must see that something’s not right by my facial expression because his smile falls, and he slides his hand into Roman’s, pulling him gently until Roman also looks at me.

Then they’re pushing their way through the crowd to me .

“What’s wrong?” Roman asks, concern in his eyes.

“I—” I pause, trying to collect myself. “Something happened to Holden. I don’t know what, but he just kind of disappeared inside himself and was saying no, and then he was hurting himself, and—” Beck’s eyes widen, and Roman drops his hand to run past me.

“And then I got Julian, and he left with him.” Beck wraps an arm around me and tugs me along, helping me keep myself upright as my knees threaten to buckle. “I don’t know,” I whisper.

“It’s going to be okay,” he murmurs.

We round the corner together, and Eli is in Roman’s arms, sobbing hysterically. My heart aches, and I want nothing more than to go to him. To help him. To hold him. But I’m frozen. I don’t know what to do.

“He scared me,” Eli whispers, burying his face in Roman’s chest.

“I know. I know it’s scary, but Holden’s going to be okay, kiddo. I promise.”

Beck rubs my back, but I barely feel it. I’m thankful for it, but it doesn’t help much. Two of the people most important to me have fallen apart tonight, and I can’t help either one of them.

“How do you know, Dad?” Eli asks, his voice cracking and pitiful.

Roman rubs his back, squeezing him tighter. “Because I’ve seen it. I know it can be scary, but Holden’s survived worse. He’s come out of worse things.”

I don’t know about that. I want to believe it. Need to believe it, but all I can see is Holden clawing at his throat until he bled. How is there worse than that? What the fuck happened to him?

Is it related to what Beck told me that day on the mountain? That The Hart Foundation was started for Roman and for Holden? My stomach sours, bile rising up my throat .

“Are you okay?” Beck’s quiet voice beside me startles me, and I pull my attention from where Roman is cradling Eli to look at Beck.

He’s concerned. It’s easy to see. I nod, too in shock to do anything else. “Yeah, I’m alright, I think.”

Beck studies me, eyes searching my face. “It’s okay if you’re not. It’s understandable.”

I shake my head. “I’m okay, really.”

Although, I’m actually not sure if I am. My fingers are a little numb, my breathing slightly labored.

“Let us take you home with us,” Roman says, and when I glance at him, he’s cupping Eli’s face, smoothing his hair. Eli’s staring at him with a tear-stained face and clumpy, wet lashes.

He nods. “Okay. Thank you.”

Beck grips my shoulder, turning my attention back to him. Everything in my head feels weird. Like I’m here, but I’m not. Is this what being in shock feels like? “Come with us?”

“What?” I ask, confused.

“Come with us to our house. You and Eli.”

I shake my head. I don’t need a pity invite. “No. I—I can’t.” Beck frowns. “I’m okay.” I force a breath into my lungs and then another. “Kassie’s at home. I’ll stay with her.”

“I don’t like that,” Beck says, staring at me. Why is he looking at me so intensely? I’m fine. Or I will be.

“I’m okay. I promise.” Beck doesn’t seem to think so, but what can I really do? Kassie needs someone to let her out. Eli needs his parents. And I’ll… I’ll be okay. “What do you guys need me to do?”

Confusion mars Beck’s face. “What do you mean?”

I wave a hand behind me toward the fundraiser still going on just outside the hall we’re tucked away in. “With this? I can help. If you point your parents out to me, I can help them finish up, and you guys can take Eli home.”

Beck shakes his head. “No. You don’t need to do anything.” I do, though. How can he not see that I do? He gives my shoulder another squeeze, turning me until I’m forced to look at him. “I’ll talk to my parents. They can take care of the rest of the night. You’ve done enough.”

“I definitely didn’t do enough,” I say in a rush, my stomach churning at the memory of how Holden looked on the ground—the blood dripping down his throat. The look in his eyes.

“Nic?” Roman says, and I glance at him. “Holden’s okay. You did the right thing. You got Julian. He’s safe.”

Safe? That’s what safe looks like to these people? What a fucked-up thing to say. There was nothing about that situation that felt safe to me. But what the fuck do I know? I’ve not been around for years. I don’t even know why Holden would react like that.

Eli’s words echo in my head. He told me you always listen when he says no.

Does that mean someone didn’t listen? Did someone… rape my brother? My body goes cold and tingly, the numbness in my fingertips spreading up my hands and making its way through my limbs.

I sway a little on my feet, my mind racing as it tries to fill in the blanks of what those words mean. Nothing good. They mean nothing good. My stomach lurches and my heart pounds against my chest.

“Nic,” Beck says, stepping in front of me, his hand still on my shoulder. “Breathe.”

I jerk away from him. I don’t want to be touched right now. Can’t be. “I’m fine.”

Beck shakes his head. “You’re not, and that’s okay. It’s okay not to be fine. ”

I shake my head. “What if I made it worse? I was touching him. He was trying to get away, and I was trying to hold him down. Trying to stop him from… What if I made it worse?”

My knees buckle, and Beck catches me, helping me slide to my ass on the ground. “You didn’t make it worse,” Beck tries to assure me.

“But what if I did?” I practically shout the words, my throat closing up as soon as they’re out.

I blink, and Roman’s in my face. “You didn’t. He was triggered. It wasn’t your fault.”

“He was hurting himself,” I whisper, my mind once again showing me the images of the blood staining Holden’s throat. I glance down at my hands, staring at the matching blood on my fingers. “He was hurting himself,” I repeat.

Roman nods. “You did the right thing.”

“Why?” I ask, and Roman’s brow furrows in confusion. “Why did it trigger him? What about seeing Eli and me together triggered him?” My throat tightens to the point of pain. “What happened to him?”

I’m not sure that I even want to know the answer, but none of them say a single word. They all stare at me. No one speaks. Eli holds eye contact for only a second before looking away. “Why the fuck won’t you all tell me anything?”

Roman looks at his lap. “It’s not my story to tell.”

“That’s fucking bullshit!” Anger quickly takes over my panic. “That’s bullshit, and you fucking know it! Beck told me about your past.”

Roman and Beck share a glance. “He asked us not to,” Beck says, effectively cutting off my spiraling thoughts and replacing them with something worse.

He asked them not to?

And clearly he wasn’t going to .

Why wouldn’t he want me to know?

What did I do wrong?

The pressure in my chest builds until I think it might make me implode. “He doesn’t trust me.”

“That’s not true.” Beck’s words sound like bullshit because if Holden trusted me, he would have told me. I don’t fucking like not knowing things. I don’t like being kept in the dark. The last time I was kept in the dark, my best friend was fucking my goddamn fiancé.

But then, is that really fair? Is it fair to be mad at Holden for something like this with the secret Eli and I have been keeping?

And who the fuck do I even think I am, demanding to know someone’s trauma?

But I can’t help feeling like if I knew, I could have acted differently and handled the situation better.

Maybe I could have avoided it altogether.

It’s not fair to Holden at all. He doesn’t deserve for me to be upset with him. He didn’t fucking do anything wrong.

I can’t do this. I can’t be here. “I have to go,” I choke out, pushing to my feet.

“Nic!” Eli shouts, but I’m already disappearing. Already halfway out of the hallway. “Please don’t leave.”

The quiet plea breaks my heart, but I can’t do this. I need time. Not from him. Not like that. Just… to think. I don’t even glance back as I slam open the double doors leading outside and walk to my car.

I barely feel the muggy air outside, barely feel anything. Everything is going numb again. I open my Jeep door and climb inside, trying to calm my racing heart so I can drive home.

Home. Is it still my home? Will Eli still want me after I left him there crying, asking me not to? I don’t know. I sure fucking hope so, but I can’t go back in there. I’m about to unravel, lose my shit. I can’t go back right now .

I put the car in drive and pull out, hands clutching the steering wheel so tightly I’m losing blood flow.

Every single atom in my body is aching for me to turn around, begging me to go back. I can’t, though. There’s no way I can. It’s too much. It’s just all too fucking much. I need time to breathe. And Eli has his dads. He’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.

I can’t help but feel like maybe that’s not true at all. Like maybe he’ll never forgive me for walking away from him like that.