Page 24 of Tangled Hearts (Mended Hearts #4)

Eli

W hat a fucking liar.

That’s all. That’s the whole thing.

Only it’s not. Nic didn’t actually promise me anything at all. But it felt like he did. He held me when I asked. He touches me like I’m special. But I’m not. I’m clearly not.

Kassie whines, pressing her head under my chin. “I’m okay, girl.”

She whines again, her tail thumping on my bed. She knows I’m lying. I know I’m lying.

I just don’t get it. What did I do wrong? I know I’m not exactly my normal, happy self tonight. I know that.

There’s an anxious pit in my stomach—the fucked-up part of me that wants to try to fix my mistakes. I’m not going to let it win, though. I can’t. I won’t ever beg someone to want me again.

I won’t ever lower myself to that.

But God, I fucking want to. I want to go to the living room and fix it. Ask what I did wrong, see if I can salvage it. Figure out why Nic pulled away from me. Why he decided I wasn’t worth his comfort anymore.

I try to stay in my bed. I do. Like hand to God, I don’t plan on getting up, but my feet are carrying me to the living room before I can think better of it. It’s dark and quiet, which must mean Nic already went to bed. Of course he did. My distress means nothing to him.

What did I expect? That he would be in here, agonizing over me? That’s fucking laughable.

I tiptoe down the hall, feeling like a kid. I take a deep breath and knock on Nic’s door. He doesn’t answer, so I stand there, nibbling on my bottom lip. I should just go back to bed. I’m turning to do just that when the door swings open.

Nic’s exposed torso is bathed in the soft light from his lamp, his eyes distant and a little sad. He actually looks like he’s been crying, which doesn’t make any fucking sense. He’s the one pulling away from me. What does he have to be sad about?

“Hey, doll. You okay?”

“Don’t fucking call me that,” I snap, but my voice cracks around the words and my eyes well up with tears. Goddammit.

“I’m sorry, Eli. Are you okay?”

“No.” Even I’m surprised by how easy it was to tell the truth. “Can I come in?”

Nic watches me for a second, something flashing in his eyes, then he steps back and lets me in.

He sits down on the edge of his bed and pats the spot next to him.

My body is practically vibrating with how badly I want to fix things, but I don’t sit down.

I pace instead. “I don’t know what I did wrong,” I start, my eyes burning.

I try my best to fight the tears back. I will not cry.

“Please let me fix it. Please,” I croak, throat aching.

Nic’s eyes go wide. “You didn’t do anything wrong. ”

Somehow, that’s even worse. If I didn’t do anything wrong, then how do I fix it?

My heart lodges itself in my throat, my old fears about not being good enough resurfacing.

My thoughts spiral into the fear of being given away, of Beck and Roman changing their minds about me.

About Holden and Julian seeing that I’m not worth their care.

My pacing comes to an abrupt halt when Nic grasps my arm and turns me around. Suddenly, I’m surrounded by warmth. Safe. Fucking safe. My mind quiets. My heart rate slows. Then he opens his mouth and ruins it all. “Get in bed, Eli.”

I pull myself from his hold, the cold dismissal making my stomach fall straight to the floor.

I take a shaky step away from him, then another.

“Where are you going?” Nic asks. I ignore him, trying to get my legs to just fucking work the way they’re supposed to.

Nic grabs me again, rougher this time. “Stop. Where are you going?”

“To bed,” I spit out. I sound childish. Fitting, considering he’s treating me like I’m a fucking child.

My feet leave the ground, and I thrash against the way Nic is holding me. “My bed, Eli.”

The words stun me and I stop fighting, my body going lax. Nic’s arms are wrapped around my chest, my back to his front. I can feel the ragged rise and fall of his chest. Slowly, he lowers me to the ground. “Are you going to run away from me again?”

I shake my head, my heart beating so fast I’m a little worried about my health. Nic lets out a slow breath. “Good, in bed. Mine .”

My brain says fuck him, but my body says okay, and I crawl into his bed. Nic stands at the edge, his eyes wild as he stares at me. He drags a hand over his face. God, I wish I knew what he was thinking.

Nic sits down, resting his hands on his thighs. There’s a slight tremor in them. He’s shaking? I dart my eyes to his face and he’s staring at the wall, his expression pained, his brows pulled together. He closes his eyes, but opens them again a second later, looking down at me. “I’m afraid.”

I want to ask of what, but I’m also afraid, so I don’t.

The silence is tense. But after a few seconds, Nic lies down, turning on his side to face me.

We’re a few inches apart, but it feels like miles.

I don’t know how to close the gap without begging.

I don’t know how to tell him I need comfort.

I don’t know how to make him give me what I want without feeling like I’m taking something that’s not for me.

Nic brings a hand up. Tentative and slow. An offering. I place my palm against his, surprised by the breath he lets out at the touch, and he slides his fingers through mine. “Eli,” he whispers, his eyes searching my face.

A shudder runs through my body.

Almost as quickly as he tangled his fingers through mine, he takes them away, pulling his hand from mine. I’m about to protest when he presses the pad of his thumb to my chin. I suck in a sharp breath. He closes his eyes, and when he opens them, his gaze is soft.

“Close your eyes,” he whispers. I don’t want to.

I want to look at him, but I do what he’s asked anyway.

My eyes fall shut, and I let out a deep, calming breath.

His thumb touches my cheekbones, my eyebrow, and then the corner of my eye.

I’m a little confused. What exactly is he doing? “Jesus, I love your eyelashes.”

My heart thumps hard.

“And this little freckle.” A gentle touch against the freckle under my eye.

“Eli,” he says again, and something in his voice has my eyes flying open.

I’m not at all prepared for how he’s looking at me—eyes wide, roaming my face, a furrow in his brows, like he’s confused by what he’s seeing.

His eyes lock on mine, and I can barely breathe .

“Please,” he whispers. I have no idea what he wants, but I’m pretty sure I’ll give him anything. He searches my face, his eyes scanning each section in what seems like slow motion. “Can I hold you?”

Yes. God, yes. Please. Please please please.

I nod frantically, Nic exhales quickly, and then I’m being hauled away from my spot and manhandled into his arms. I hide my face in his throat, breathing in the scent of his skin.

God, he smells so fucking good. I was supposed to be annoyed by that, I think, but I’m not. Not anymore. Was I ever, really?

Nic’s hand slides under the back of my shirt in a rush, like he can’t wait.

Like he needs it as much as I do. Needs me.

It rides up in the front, and my bare stomach presses against his.

I shiver, trying to squirm closer. He helps me, pulling me in until my leg is pressed between his and there’s not a spare inch of space between us.

He’s so warm. Safe. Mine , my mind chants. But he’s not mine. He can’t be.

I settle into the warmth as his fingers explore my back the way they have every night for the last couple of nights. Something feels different this time, though. He feels desperate, almost. His movements are frantic and a little jerky. Not controlled like usual. He makes a sound low in his throat.

My stomach does a little flip, and my dick twitches. Oh shit. I try to shift away, try to keep him from feeling it, but there’s nowhere for me to go.

His hand slides up my back, fingers tangling in my hair at the nape of my neck. He gives it a little tug, and I gasp, my cock swelling further. I try again to pull away, but I can’t.

Nic shifts, and my groin settles against his. He’s… holy fuck. He’s hard too. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. I need to pull away. “Stop, El i.”

I go still immediately, my body listening, but my mind rebelling. “But, I—I’m sorry. It’s just… I didn’t mean to.” God, this is so embarrassing. I should have stayed in my room.

“Shhh. It’s okay.” Nic’s hand pauses, his body going tense. “Do you want me to let you go?”

“No,” I blurt out. “Please, no. I’m sorry.”

He tugs my hair again, which helps exactly nothing. “Stop apologizing, doll. It’s normal, okay? We’re close. It’s a normal body reaction. It doesn’t mean anything.”

My heart sinks. What if I want it to mean something, though? Then what? “Okay,” I whisper. “Can I stay in here with you tonight?”

Nic laughs. “Funny that you thought I was gonna let you go anywhere else.”

My heart skips a beat, but something about it makes me feel a little pleased. My lips curve into a smile. “Thank you.”

“God, please don’t thank me. I’m not some hero. If anything, I’m probably the villain.”

What does that mean? “Why would you say that?” I whisper into his throat, half-terrified that he’s going to pull away.

He’s quiet for so long that I’m sure he’s not going to say anything. Maybe he didn’t even hear me. That would be okay, I guess, as long as he doesn’t let go of me. Then he takes a deep breath and runs his hand down my back, pausing at the small of it to pull me impossibly closer.

He’s still hard, his dick pressing against my body. I’m mostly trying to ignore it. Like he said, it doesn’t mean anything.

“There are lines I can’t cross, Eli,” he murmurs. “But fuck, do I want to.”

“What lines?” I ask, my throat dry .

This time he doesn’t answer me. It’s not long before the exhaustion of the day and the safe cocoon of his arms are too much for me to handle, and I drift off.

My eyes flutter open to soft sunlight and warmth. A solid weight against my back, a warm palm on my stomach, fingers splayed wide.

Nic.

He’s still asleep if the steady rise and fall of his chest against my back is anything to go by.

I let my mind fall back to last night. The way he pleaded. The way he wrapped me up. How I reacted. He said it didn’t mean anything, but it has to, doesn’t it? It has to mean something. It means something to me at any rate.

Nic shifts, and my hand darts to his, trying to keep him from pulling away.

His raspy chuckle sends my face up in flames.

“Not going anywhere,” he mumbles. I force myself to let go, and when I do, he shifts again, pulling his hips away but lessening the sting by dragging his hand up my sternum and chest. His palm settles against my throat, fingers flexing gently at the sides of my neck.

It feels… possessive and so fucking good.

“What are you doing?” I whisper.

“Touching you.”

“Well, no shit,” I say, harsher than I mean to. “Sorry.”

Nic laughs. “You’re such a little shit. I love that about you. Are you feeling better today?”

He loves that about me? What. The. Fuck? “What do you mean?” I ask .

There’s silence. I’m so tired of the silence. Why can’t he ever just give me a straight fucking answer?

He moves his hand, letting his thumb rest in the hollow of my throat for a second, before taking it completely out of my shirt and rolling me to my back.

Holy fuck. Wild bedhead, sleepy-eyed Nic is not for the fucking weak.

He squints his eyes, like he’s still trying to adjust to being awake, but he smiles.

“I missed that. You’ve hardly given me any shit lately.

I was starting to think I’d never see that side of you again. ”

“Oh, I can give you shit,” I manage, narrowing my eyes.

His grin grows. “I believe that.”

What is happening right now?

Someone knocks at my front door. Kassie loses her shit. Nic’s eyes widen, then dart to his bedroom door like he’s worried someone can see through to us, and my entire soul deflates.

I wiggle away from him, flinging the blankets off myself. He wants me to give him shit. Fine. Done. I get out of bed and throw open his bedroom door, leaving him sitting on his bed alone to go see who’s here.

Kassie’s sitting in front of the door, tail going a million miles a minute, which can only mean one thing.

I open the door, and I’m almost plowed over by my dads.

No surprise, since Dad knows I had a hard time yesterday.

How fucking crazy that my night ended up a mess for something entirely different than the emotional upheaval at Safe Haven yesterday.

There are still shadows dancing in Roman’s eyes, and Beck looks exhausted. My heart gives a little thump. Dad must have had nightmares last night. Huh… I didn’t. Strange. “Come in,” I say, even though they’ve already pushed past me and into the living room.

Beck ruffles my hair. “Morning, kid. We’re going out today. ”

“Who’s we?” I question.

“Us,” Roman says. “Hold, Julian, and the kids.”

I smile. I can’t help it. “Family adventure. Okay, I’m down. Where?”