Page 51 of Tangled Hearts (Mended Hearts #4)

Nic

T he house feels empty without Eli. It’s suffocating. For the first time since I moved in with him, loneliness hits me square in the chest. I’m not proud of myself for running off the way I did.

But it’s too late now. I’m here. I made my choice. Was it the wrong choice? Probably. I slump against the door, letting myself slide down until my ass hits the ground.

What happened to my brother? I glance down at my blood-stained fingers. Who hurt him? Why did he react that way? And why does nobody want to tell me? I let my head thunk against the wooden door.

I’m shaking a little, I think—the adrenaline crashing in all the wrong ways. I’m not sure being alone right now is the best, but what other options do I have? I promised Eli I wouldn’t leave him. I promised him I wouldn’t abandon him, and I did.

I left him with tears pouring down his face, with his voice cracking with pleas for me to stay. I left him after he witnessed the same awful, terrible thing I did. I left him to deal with that on his own .

Not truly on his own, though. He has his dads. It’s not the consolation it should be. That knowledge does nothing to ease my guilt or make me feel like my choice was the right one.

Kassie’s approaching footsteps pull me from my thoughts. “Come on, sweet girl. Let’s go out.”

I push to my feet and lead her into the backyard.

I’m struggling to stay standing, so as soon as she runs off to do her business, I sit on the grass.

The wetness from the dew seeps into the material of my pants, chilling me further, making my shaking worse until my teeth are almost chattering with the force.

Kassie nudges me, likely trying to help me out of my little spiral. She’s good at that. Especially with Eli. I’m not sure it can help me. I’m not sure anything can right now.

That’s a lie.

Eli could. If he was here, I’d wrap him up in my arms and hold him close to me. Keep him safe. I’d probably feel a lot safer myself.

A shiver races down my spine, and Kassie thumps her tail against the ground as she paws her way into my lap and sprawls across me. I bury my face in her fur, not too proud to take the comfort she’s offering. “I’m okay, girl,” I whisper.

She lets out a little huff, nosing at my stomach. I wonder how many times she’s heard that lie from Eli. How many times has he cuddled her just like this? How many times has she stayed with him through nightmares and listened to him cry?

Guilt claws at my chest. I’m not even sure what we did wrong. What I did wrong. But it had to be something. It had to be. After Beck and Roman were so okay with everything, I just assumed Holden would be too. I’d convinced myself of it. Thought for sure he’d be accepting.

I have no idea what that was, but it was not accepting .

Something about my relationship with Eli… triggered him. Which is so much worse than him just not approving. Something about us being together hurt him so badly emotionally that he hurt himself physically.

Bile climbs up my throat, and I lurch forward, shoving Kassie off me as I retch into the grass. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I work to catch my breath, and when my stomach is empty and the pressing urge to vomit again passes, I stand up. “C’mon, Kas,” I choke out.

She follows me into the house and jumps on the couch. I walk past her, heading to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

I really might have fucked up. I should have gone with Eli. I should have taken Beck up on his offer, even if it was a pity offer. It would have been better than being here alone.

The second my toothbrush hits my tongue, I almost gag. Not from the toothbrush itself, but because of the images in my head—the look on Holden’s face as he hit the ground, the way Eli yelled at Julian to leave him alone, Eli’s cracking voice and silent tears.

I grip the edges of the sink, trying like hell to calm my racing heart and regulate my breathing.

How did everything get so fucked up? I stare down at my hands.

I really should wash them. It takes practically no time to wash the blood away, but even when the water runs clear, all I can see is pink.

The literal blood on my hands from Holden.

My stomach twists again. I keep scrubbing. Scrubbing and scrubbing until my fingers are red and tingling. Until they’re raw and aching. When I finally shut the water off, I feel wrung out, like a part of me just went down the drain too.

I stumble into my bedroom. The weight of Eli’s absence is even heavier here.

We didn’t make the bed this morning. Why would we?

We barely had time. The blankets are still twisted up.

Still ruined from this morning. God, how was it just this morning he was pliant and fucked-out in my arms, too blissed to even worry about the time?

My throat goes tight, my hands trembling. I turn and leave the room, wandering aimlessly through the house. There’s nothing here that doesn’t have Eli. Not a single place where I can’t feel his presence like a ghost.

Kassie’s still curled up on the couch, her eyes following my every move, so I sit down beside her. I let my fingers trail through her fur, let myself take comfort from her.

I need someone to talk to. But I fucked up my one someone. I ruined him. And I left my other someone crying, begging me not to go.

My chest aches. Hell, my whole body does.

I fish my phone out of my pocket and pull up my messages.

No one has texted or called.

Of course they haven’t. Why would they?

I open my contacts, scrolling through them. My finger hovers over Mom. Fuck, I wish she was here. She’d know what to do. She’d know what to tell me. She always did. I keep scrolling, an ache forming behind my eyes.

I pause when I get to Silas, my throat closing up for a whole new reason. Is this my life? Is it somehow my fault? Am I destined to live my life having people, loving people, and losing them? Over and over again?

He hurt me. Worse than anyone in my life ever has.

He destroyed me. With zero regard for anyone but himself.

But am I any better? I did the same. I broke Holden.

All because I wanted Eli. How is what I did any better?

How can I hate him for the same crime I’m guilty of?

Leo was never his to have. And Eli was never supposed to be mine. That thought makes my heart jolt .

Of course he was supposed to be mine. He’s the only thing in my life that’s ever made any sense to me.

But at what cost?

At what fucking cost?

Silas was once the person who knew me better than anyone. The person I shared everything with. That’s why his betrayal hurt so much, right? He knew how to reach me when no one else could. Maybe he can still do that.

I open my text thread with him. There are years of messages in here. I don’t know why I don’t just delete them.

The last one he sent is still there. Unanswered.

Si

I hope you’re doing okay. Call me if you ever need me. I’ll always be here for you.

My finger hovers over the call button. Fuck, I shouldn’t, but I don’t… I don’t know what else to do. I hit the button, and the second it rings, my stomach drops out.

I want to hang up. I want to let it ring. I want to hear his voice—even though I fucking hate him and myself for wanting to.

I should hang up.

“Nic?” His sleep-filled voice is so familiar; I know it like I know my own. “Nic? You okay?”

“No.” The word comes out choked and garbled. Wrong.

“Nic, what’s wrong?”

My eyes burn and my stomach twists. “I fucked up, Si. I fucked everything up so badly.”

There’s rustling, and then, “What happened? ”

“I left him. I fucked up, and I left him there, and I—I shouldn’t have done that. Why did I do that? I hurt him, and I hurt Holden. I don’t know what to do.” My voice cracks.

There’s a beat of silence. “I need more context. Who’s him? Who’s Holden?”

I fucking hate him for this. I hate him for not already knowing. He should fucking know this. “My brother. Holden is my brother.” I can’t help the angry, twisted way the words come out.

“You… have a brother?”

Oh my fucking God. “Yes. That’s where I went when I left.

I left to find my brother. But I also found Eli and I—I shouldn’t have, Si.

I get it. What you did. You shouldn’t have, and I’ll never forgive you.

” My voice cuts off as I fight back a sob.

“I’ll never forgive you,” I say again, whispering this time.

Silas sighs. “You don’t have to forgive me. I wouldn’t forgive me, either.”

Oh fuck him for saying that. “I didn’t call you so you could absolve yourself of your guilt.”

He doesn’t speak, and for a second, I wonder if he hung up. “I know that, Nic. But… why did you call me?”

That’s the question of the hour, isn’t it? My throat tightens to the point of pain, my breaths speeding up. “Because I didn’t have anyone else to call.”

The silence on the other end of the line is deafening. Then, “Tell me about Eli.”

“Why?” I snap. “So you can take him from me too? Fuck, I’m sorry. Please don’t hang up.”

“I’m not going to hang up, Nic. I deserved that. And worse. Tell me about Eli. ”

I inhale a shaky breath. “He’s… he’s everything. He’s smart. And kind. So fucking kind. Even though the world hasn’t been kind to him. He’s snarky and sarcastic. Guarded. Except for when he’s not. And… and—He’s… mine. I love him. I’m in love with him, and I just left him there.”

I know I’m not making a damn bit of sense, but I can’t even form a coherent sentence.

A fresh wave of guilt washes over me. What is he feeling now?

Is he sad? Is he still crying? Is he alone?

Did he climb into bed with Beck and Roman to seek the comfort I should be giving him?

The comfort I promised him I’d give him?

“How’d you meet him?” Silas asks softly.

I let out a harsh laugh despite the way my throat feels like it’s two sizes too small. “He’s Holden’s nephew.”

“Wait—” Silas stops, and I can practically see his brown eyes in my head. Can practically see the wheels turning.