Page 23 of Tangled Hearts (Mended Hearts #4)

Nic

I scrub a hand over my face while I wait for Eli to come home.

My stomach is a mess of nerves and knots.

Honestly, I’m a mess in general. What the fuck am I thinking?

For three nights, Eli has fallen asleep in my lap while I’ve mapped every inch of him from his neck to his waist. For three nights, I’ve carried him to bed, pulled the blankets around him, and watched him before dragging myself away.

For three nights I’ve fought to keep my morals and won—thankfully—and managed to not cross any lines I can’t come back from.

I’ve come close. Every time he arches into my touch. Every time he looks at me with sleepy green eyes. Every time he practically begs me not to stop.

He fits in my lap and under my hands like he’s mine. But he’s not, and he can’t be. And that’s fucking awful. If Silas even felt a fraction of this for Leo… well, not that I’d forgive him, but I’d certainly understand it a little more.

I’ve explored his skin, every rough and soft patch—within the space I’ve allowed myself, of course.

I can’t want more. But God help me, I fucking do.

I want everything. Him. His soft smiles and his fiery defenses.

I want his snark and his humor and his quietly told admissions—the trauma he holds close to his chest. I’m losing my willpower.

Losing the fight against the ache clawing at the inside of my chest.

I’m fucking terrified. Terrified that he’s going to stop looking at me the way he does. Terrified that he’s going to keep doing it . Terrified that one day he’s going to settle those pretty green eyes on me, and I’m going to lose my ability to fight.

I’ll do something stupid. Like kiss him. Like try to keep him. But he’s not mine to keep. And if I cross that line, if I let myself go there, I’ll never come back from the edge.

I can’t keep going down this path. What does it say about me if I break Holden’s trust by feeling this way? Everything, I fear. It says fucking everything. And not good things. I need space. I need to be able to breathe without my lungs being filled with Eli.

The door opens, and my heart tumbles, all my previous thoughts burned into ash at the sight of a tear-stained Eli walking through the door. I’m in front of him in seconds. “What’s wrong?”

He steps forward and rests his forehead against my collarbone. He sniffles, and I actually get weak in the knees at how fucking hard I’m fighting to keep my composure. “Hold me, please.” Jesus fucking Christ. My arms are around him instantly. He melts. Fuck, he always melts. “I had a bad day.”

I squeeze him tighter, one arm around his shoulders, the other around his waist. This is the opposite of what I should be doing. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. I press my lips against his hair and take a slow, measured breath. “What can I do to help?”

Eli shivers, trying to force his way deeper into my arms. “You’re doing it. God, I couldn’t wait to get home because I knew this would be waiting for me.” My heart swells. Tumbling, tumbling, tumbling. Losing the fight. Losing my restraint. Losing myself. “Can we sit down?”

I nod. “Yeah.”

Eli doesn’t let go. I don’t either. Not for a long moment, anyway.

When we finally do, I sit down, and he suctions himself to my side, damn near in my lap, with his face pressed against my throat.

He doesn’t speak, and against my better judgement, my fingers slide into his hair.

This is new. It feels intimate. More intimate than touching his bare skin, which makes no sense. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

Eli pushes his head further into my hand, like a cat, and it makes me smile.

“Do you want me to tell Holden we can’t come tonight?”

He shakes his head. “No. I’ve already let him down enough lately.” I don’t think he could ever let Holden down, and I’m about to tell him so when he sits up and looks around the living room. “I’m gonna go get ready. I’m sure I look fucking gross. I need to clean myself up.”

Sure, he’s a little splotchy, and his eyes are a little swollen. I take a deep breath. “I think you look radiant.”

Eli’s eyes widen. “Thank you, but still.” He waves a hand in front of his face, like I’m supposed to see something besides perfection. “I’ll be ready to go in a few minutes.”

I nod. “Take your time, doll. I’ll take Miss Kassie out while you’re changing.”

Eli stands, wiping at his already dry eyes in a self-conscious gesture, then he gives me a little wave and disappears into his bedroom.

The fucked-up weight of my feelings is still dragging me down when we pull into Holden and Julian’s driveway, but I plaster a smile on my face the second we walk through the door.

Holden greets us, smiling brightly. “Hey, guys. Julian’s finishing up dinner.” It takes him one second to clock Eli’s mood—which hasn’t improved much. “What’s wrong?”

Eli shakes his head, then shrugs. “Just a bad day, Uncle Hold. It was bad for Dad too. He’s probably getting babied by Other Dad at home right now.”

Holden steps forward and tenderly cups Eli’s face. The gesture makes my heart clench. “Do you need to be babied some too, little bestie?”

Eli lets out a wet laugh but nods. Holden wraps Eli in a tight hug, and Eli relaxes.

When Eli starts to pull back, Holden lets him, but he grabs his hands.

The concern marring his features has me feeling cold inside.

I can’t fuck this up. Eli doesn’t need me.

Not like this. And what’s more, he shouldn’t.

So why the fuck do I want him to so badly?

“Come on, let’s go cuddle in my room for a bit.

” Almost as an afterthought, Holden glances at me.

“You can go hang out with Julian if you want.”

I nod, too stunned to do much of anything else. I make my way into the kitchen, and Julian turns around, his face falling when he sees I’m alone. “Where are the other two?”

“Eli had a rough day, so Holden took him to cuddle.” My voice doesn’t even sound like my own, and Julian must notice it, because he frowns .

“They have a special relationship, those two.” He turns, going back to his cooking. “Holden pulled him out of his shell in a lot of ways. Sometimes I swear they speak a language no one else gets.”

I laugh, but it sounds all wrong. “I can believe that.”

Julian stirs something in the pot. It smells good, but I’m not sure that I can eat.

I’m too nauseous, my stomach too twisted with guilt.

“We all wanted to help, of course,” he says, not looking at me.

“And we all did in our own ways, I think. In those early days, though? That kid wanted Uncle Holden and no one else.”

That kid. The knife in my gut twists deeper.

Of course that’s how they see him. That’s not at all how I see him.

Not anymore. I’m not sure that I ever can again.

Not sure if I’ll ever be able to look at him and see anything other than mine.

He’s not mine, though. He’s not, and I need to get that thought out of my head.

Julian finishes up and turns the stove off, taking the pan off the heat. “I’ll go see if they’re ready to come out. We may be eating alone tonight.” He winks as he passes me, and my chest tightens to the point of pain.

Five minutes later, the three of them return. Eli’s eyes find me immediately, but I can’t look at him. My emotions are too close to the surface. The longing is too visceral, so I look away.

Eli takes his place at the table beside me. I don’t know how it ended up that way, and I hate it. If only because Holden and Julian are sitting across from us and I’m terrified that my every emotion is going to be all over my face.

How could it not be, though? When every piece of my soul is reaching for him, wanting to comfort him, just fucking wanting him.

Eli leans closer, like he’s going to rest his head on my shoulder.

If we were home, I’d be okay with that, but we’re not, and I can’t let Holden and Julian see how much I care about Eli.

There’s no way it won’t be broadcast all over my face, so I jerk quickly away from him. The response in him is instantaneous.

His green eyes, swimming with hurt, meet mine. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, shame tinting his voice.

I should tell him not to apologize. Should pull him into me and hold him. Should take away the hurt, but Holden’s gaze is burning into the side of my face, so I smile. I nod. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

Eli watches me for a second, then turns back to his plate. He mostly just pushes his food around, not eating. I force myself to appear normal. Force myself to put bite after bite into my mouth. To chew and swallow, even though it tastes like nothing.

“So,” Holden says, breaking the silence. “Warren is taking a plane ride next month.”

“Like a regular plane?” Eli asks, pushing his food to the other side of his plate.

“A small plane. Henry got it organized for him. Kid is over the moon excited,” Julian says, grinning. “I’ve heard so many facts about planes that I’m convinced I could fly one at this point.”

That gets a laugh out of me. “I’m not far behind,” I say, taking another bite.

Eli looks at me through his lashes, his expression hopeful. “So you’ve heard all about the planes too?”

My heart thrums. He’s reaching for me. Trying to find me in the spaces where I’ve pulled away from him. Fuck, I want to reach back. I work hard to keep my voice neutral. “Yeah.”

Eli shrinks into himself and turns back to his food.

Fuck, I’m such a goddamn asshole.

The conversation goes on around us. I think I do an okay job of keeping up. Smiling in the right places. Saying the right things. But Eli is quiet. He hasn’t said a word. He’s disappearing into himself, and it’s all my fault.

Eli sits back quickly, methodically placing his fork on the table next to his uneaten plate of food. Silence falls in the room. “You okay?” Julian asks.

Eli nods, standing up. “I’m tired. Can I go lie down in your bed?”

Julian and Holden share a glance. “Of course,” Holden answers. “Do you want me to come with you?”

Eli shakes his head, dropping his eyes. “No. I’m okay.” He glances at me. “Let me know when you’re ready to go.”

He takes a step away from me, and I stand.

To do what, I don’t know. Chase after him?

Apologize? Fix my mistakes? I sit back down.

Holden is staring after Eli, but Julian is looking at me—eyes narrow.

Suspicious. And the paranoia and guilt twist my stomach more, making the food I’ve eaten threaten to come back up.

Holden finally pulls his gaze from the empty doorway to look at me. “You know you’re always welcome here, right? I’d never turn you away, and I love the time we get to spend together.”

“Of course,” I choke out.

“Good. So when I say this, know it’s not that I don’t want you here.

” He sighs, sadness flashing in his eyes.

“Please take him home. I think he needs the comfort of his own things. Don’t you dare tell him I said this, but make sure he has Kassie tonight.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up having nightmares.

If it happens, he’ll be okay. It can be terrifying, but he never remembers them when he wakes up.

Just leave him alone, and he’ll get through it. ”

I blink at Holden a few times. Nightmares?

Are they sure he doesn’t remember them? How would they even know?

Something sharp and hot fills my heart. Anger, I think, at them, for just…

what? Assuming? I don’t even know if they are, but something about letting Eli suffer on his own doesn’t sit right with me.

I stand up, leaving my plate on the table, and walk briskly to Holden and Julian’s room. I tap on the door, and the lack of response has my nerves ratcheting up, so I push it open and step into the quiet room.

Eli looks tiny in Holden and Julian’s bed. But more than that, he looks defeated. “Come on, little doll. Let’s go home.”

Eli pops up, glaring at me, and I want to suck the words back inside. I have no right to call him that. None. He swings his legs over the edge of the bed and walks right past me.

I’m still reeling when I hear him tell Holden and Julian goodbye. I force my feet to move and do the same, hugging my brother and Julian before following Eli out the door.

He’s quiet the entire drive home, staring out the window. I’m tempted to fill the silence, but I don’t actually know what to say. His mood is so somber—a sharp contrast to the lively and bubbly version of him I’d been lucky enough to see the last couple of days.

When we get home, he walks past a sleeping Kassie, patting her on the head. Like she senses his distress, she jumps up, following him to his room. The door shutting behind the two of them may as well be a gunshot, fracturing my psyche and making my heart hurt.

I pick up a little, if for no other reason than I want Eli to wake up to a clean house, and then I go to bed.

This is the first night in three days that I haven’t had Eli’s warmth seeping into my body, the first night that I haven’t carried him to bed. I hate every single thing about it.

For the first time since I moved in with Eli, I type a message to Silas.

Me

I fucked up. I really actually fucked up. I don’t know what to do. I wish I didn’t hate you so fucking badly. I’d love to be able to talk to you again. You fucking ruined everything.

My eyes burn.

I backspace the message, then start again.

Me

I get it. I don’t fully. But I think I do. Wanting something you can’t have. Wanting something that doesn’t fucking belong to you. And I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t just blow up everyone’s lives the way you did, though.

I backspace again. Fuck this.