Page 73 of Sketching Mr. Darcy

They finally returned inside, and the dogs hurried to rest while the children went to their mother.

Elizabeth retired to her room, and her struggle continued. She wondered whether he had read her letter, whether he had found it too harsh, and whether he admitted his wrongs or was offended and another fight would follow—and wondered where he could possibly have been all that time.

When she finally heard movement in Darcy’s apartment, she almost jumped to the adjoining door but was startled by strong knocks from the hall.

She opened, and Stevens bowed low to her, avoiding her eyes, and handed her a letter. She hurried towards the candles and lit two more.

Elizabeth

I shall not attempt to apologise for my behaviour, as I know it cannot be forgiven. I am aware that, as much as I did not like the earlier events, it cannot justify my outrageous outburst.

I cannot deny that I was disappointed to see you in the company of those whom I so despise, but I now understand that you had little chance to avoid it.

You are right: I cannot keep you away from people, even those I dislike, and it is unfair of me to accuse you for your natural inclination of enjoying amiable company, as it is unfair to put the burden of protecting my sister on your shoulders.

There are few things that I can say at the moment, and I am at a loss of how to proceed further. What I do know is that I wish everything that is best for you. Therefore, I allow you the full liberty of choosing the path you take from this day forward.

Anything you decide I shall accept, and if you decide to return to Longbourn, have no worry for your comfort, as the settlement I offered you will not be diminished in the slightest.

Also, no matter what decision you make, I trust you will inform Georgiana in a gentle way, as she has already become fond of you.

I am willing to take full blame for any further developments.

In the meantime, I shall spare you my undesired presence. I will take a long trip to the North, as I have neglected my business lately, and I plan to be absent for at least three weeks.

I scheduled my departure for the day after tomorrow. Until then I shall stay in Georgiana’s house, where I have been until now. I only returned for a short while to fetch some things and papers that I will need on my journey, but do not worry, as I shall not disturb you.

I deeply apologise, and please be assured that anything I have done wrong to pain you was done most unwillingly and pained me even more.

I know this is of little relief, but I beg you to be sure that I have never been more honest in my life than when I declared my long-lasting admiration for you.

F. Darcy.

Elizabeth stared at the letter, refusing to believe that she understood it properly.

She read the letter again and then once more.

With each word, her state changed as well as the colour of her face, and the turmoil soon became impossible to bear.

She felt tears burning her eyes, and she wiped them furiously.

Then she burst into the next apartment and stopped a few steps away from her husband, who was looking through some papers.

He was so pale, his countenance unreadable with dark circles around his eyes, that Elizabeth hesitated a moment, worrying for him. Then she straightened her back and gazed at Stevens—who was packing a valise—and the man left the room silently.

Elizabeth turned to her husband, the paper crumpled in her hand.

“I read the letter you sent me, sir. Do I understand correctly that you wish me to leave?”

“It does not matter what I wish, Elizabeth—not any longer,” he replied with a voice so low that she barely heard it.

“I am certain that you wish to distance yourself from me, and I think this would be the best resolution and the easiest way to protect yourself from this unfortunate situation into which I forced you to enter. I vividly remember when you told me that we might come to hate each other and that our lives would be ruined forever, and I am sure this is how you feel about me now. I can bear anything except knowing that you stay with me and hate me.”

“Please do not presume to know my feelings. You can hardly claim a proficiency in that area. And you do not know me at all if you imagine you could have forced me to enter into any situation without my agreement or that I would choose the easiest way out of it.”

“I want what is best for you, and that is certainly not to stay around a man who is incapable of controlling his anger and offends you so horribly. I know you will try to keep your promise to make this marriage work. But it just does not, and your qualities cannot compensate for my faults. I am tormented by the image of your face being appalled at my horrible threats and your eyes losing their brightness. You are worth more than that. ”

He moved to the window, turning his back to her. Elizabeth’s voice trembled as she replied.

“I shall not pretend that you did not offend me and that I was not harmed by your unfair accusations. I surely did not deserve your anger and distrust, as I gave you no reason for that. I was—I am—nothing but committed to this marriage and to you. While I will never accept abandoning my friends just because someone—you included—might demand it of me, I long ago ceased to consider Mr Wickham a friend. And I would never attempt to conspire to meet someone behind your back. So yes, you hurt me when you threatened to use your power over me to enter my room whenever you want—and that made me angry. I know my worth, Mr Darcy, and I also know yours. I am well aware of my qualities and my faults, as well as yours.”

“You have been nothing but faultless since the day we married.”

“We both know that is not true! My behaviour was often far from what it should have been and most likely will be so again many times as I have not the slightest intention of leaving. Besides the strange circumstances of our marriage, I made a promise to you and to myself, and I intend to keep it. I do not take my promises lightly, nor do I abandon a path when it is difficult to climb. I have learnt that reaching the heights can be so rewarding as to compensate for the effort.”

She looked at her husband. He turned pale, then his face coloured while he stared at her, as he could not comprehend her words.

“You do not wish to leave?” he inquired as if afraid of her answer.

“I searched for you all afternoon, I wrote you the letter, and I came here with the hope that we could find a way to reconcile our relationship, to keep our mutual agreement, and to straighten out this marriage—and to argue with you for leaving in such haste instead of staying and giving us the chance to explain our positions. That was disappointing. ”

“So you do not want to leave? Is that true? You wish to stay?”

“Both of us have difficult tempers, but I would rather find a way to correct our faults than abandon the battle. We promised to be open and honest with each other, to ask questions and give answers instead of starting unnecessary fights. How could you forget that?”

“I did not forget. I simply could not think rationally. I have never felt so overwhelmed by emotion, and I am so afraid it might happen again! That is why I do not even dare to beg your forgiveness. I cannot trust myself and dare not ask you to do it. All the things I told you—I am horrified when I remember my words and how you might have felt.”

“It seems that I had more trust in you than you have in yourself…and yes, you should be ashamed of the things you said!”

“I never intended to force you to do anything…and if you ever lock your door, I would not dare to enter… Those were just words that I did not mean the moment I said them.”

“Not for a moment was I scared that you might hurt me or force me to do anything. But I was indeed astonished by your reaction! I knew you would be upset to find us in such company, but I never imagined you would be so furious! I planned to tell you about the incident the moment we arrived home, even if you had not seen us. But you did not allow me to speak a single word. You must promise not to allow this to ever happen again! I felt like you intentionally wished to hurt me with the most harmful words!”

She was tearful, drained by emotions, and expected him to contradict her.

“And so it was… I was so pained—I felt so deeply betrayed—that I wished to make you feel the same pain. Can anything be more horrible than that? Can such outrageous behaviour be forgotten?”

Elizabeth was shocked and froze, her lips trembling. She gave up fighting and allowed herself to lean on the armchair. Her strength had left her.

“How could you believe that I intentionally deceived you? How could you think so poorly of me? Why do you have so little trust in me?”

He looked at her in silence for a moment, and she saw his eyes darkening as his face turned as pale as the wall. He seemed unable to speak.

“Because I was jealous—can you not see? I was so angry when I saw Wickham near my sister, but it was your speaking with him and with Clayton that made me lose control. And I cannot promise you it will never happen again because things are not improving, quite the contrary. The more you are near me, the more I love you. It has been torture for me to keep myself away from you all this time. My love for you made me weak and turned me into a savage earlier. I wish to protect you, to offer you everything that is best. I tried to be patient, I tried to court you—and to no avail.”

She looked at him in shock.

“Please do not look at me like that, Elizabeth. How can you be so surprised? How could you not see how ardently I have loved and admired you all this time? You cannot pretend you have not seen how jealous I was at the theatre when you spoke to Clayton.”

“I knew you were not indifferent to me—of course, I could feel that. But to love me? So much that you lost control because of it? How can that be?”