Page 55 of Sketching Mr. Darcy

“I doubt Molly will repeat the error.” Elizabeth smiled, attempting to arrange her hair.

“Elizabeth, I am sorry to bring back an unpleasant subject but you said earlier—several times—that people kept telling you about my marrying you to have an heir. What people? Did anyone say that to you besides Lady Catherine?”

Surprise made her pale, and she held her husband’s intent look. “Lady Stafford. We met at the modiste today. She came to speak to me while I was changing my dress.”

He frowned and actually wobbled on his feet. The blood seemed to drain from his face, and he blinked rapidly a few times.

“Why did you not tell me sooner?”

“What was there to tell? We met with her yesterday, and you seem to know each other quite well. And since Madame Claudette is preferred by the ladies of the ton , it was somehow predictable that we should eventually meet there or some other place. ”

“It is true. I should have been more careful.”

“More careful? What do you mean? Is there anything that I should know for my safety?”

“Nothing of consequence—only a private matter which I did not handle properly. Do not let it bother you. We have had enough tormenting and painful conversation for one night. Let us go to dinner, please. I promise you will not be disturbed anymore.”

“I see… I will be ready for dinner shortly if that is what you want. I do not want to insist on something that seems painful and private to you…”

Her voice became weaker, and she turned her back to him as cold shivers of distress froze her feet.

She heard him close the door to his rooms, and she leant against the pillows a little while.

Perhaps he was right. That day was so full of sadness, regrets, and self-reproaches that she wondered whether she could bear more.

Her head was spinning, and her fingers turned cold. She recollected him warming her hands a few days earlier in the park, and she wondered how many times he had done that before. The way he touched her, his lips tantalising hers, the soft caress…

He surely was not ignorant of these things.

No gentleman of eight and twenty was! And what he had done before their marriage was surely not her business.

What about the things he was doing after their marriage?

Could she dare question that since his behaviour towards her was beyond reproach?

Should she even allow herself to think of that?

She heard a slight knock and remembered that Molly was waiting in the hall. But it was her husband who came in and sat on the bed, watching her.

“Elizabeth, I have seen that you were troubled by my refusal to speak about Annabelle Stafford. Am I correct in my observation? Do you wish to talk about it?”

“I do… I imagine it is uncomfortable and painful for you, and I know it is not my right to question you, but I feel… It trou bles me not to know what is happening...”

“Very well then—if that is your wish, let us make this a night of full disclosure.” He opened the door to the hall, where the maid was waiting in deep embarrassment. “Molly, please ask for dinner to be sent up and arranged in my suite. We shall not go downstairs tonight.”

***

Darcy resumed his place, glancing at Elizabeth with obvious anxiety.

“I am glad you trust me enough to change your decision, William. I know it is your right to keep your business private, and I should not bother you by inquiring. But things have progressed in such a way that—”

“It was never my lack of trust in you but my concern that you might be troubled hearing such a story. It is not something that one would want to share with his young, innocent wife. That is why I delayed this conversation although I knew the time for it would come.”

“Surely, it cannot be something so bad. I am not quite so innocent, you know. I am aware of how things go with gentlemen,” she said daringly. He smiled and briefly kissed her hand.

“I will struggle to find the proper words to start, as I do not want to completely ruin your opinion of me. We both know that it has never been too high, anyway.”

“Well, it is good that you are in a disposition to tease, sir. As for my opinion of you—surely, you can see how much it has changed, starting even before our wedding.”

“I am glad to have your reassurance. It is truly helpful in such a moment.”

He began to pace the room, his agitation obvious. Elizabeth sat in the armchair.

“I met Annabelle in Ramsgate when I was about twenty years old. It was the year after my mother passed away. Her death left me completely lost, and my father simply collapsed like a huge tree that was weakening day by day. Georgiana was about eight years old. She had a governess and a teacher, but she was shy and restrained. She rarely laughed, and she was afraid of almost everything. It was during that time that I taught her to ride, and she started to play on the piano. Then, as my father had lost all interest, I was sent from one estate to another to supervise their management. Everyone inquired after my mother and conveyed their condolences—which was even harder to bear. While I was away, George Wickham was at Pemberley, keeping my father company, and he had already gained a taste for gambling and compromising the daughters of shopkeepers or tenants.”

Elizabeth’s heart cramped, overwhelmed by the sadness and pain on his face.

“In the summer, between two trips around the country, Robert asked me to spend some time in Ramsgate with him and Thomas—only the three of us. They were attempting to cheer my spirits and to have me rest and relax. I reluctantly accepted. I was in no mood for parties, but I remember being too tired to argue with them. One evening at a ball, I met Annabelle Weston; that was her name at the time. She was a woman of exceptional beauty, two years my senior, but that I discovered later.”

He glanced at her, then breathed deeply and continued.

“In the following days, I met her everywhere. She was neither insistent nor obvious in her attentions, but she was always there. I happened to meet her when I went to walk on the beach. We started to talk, and I found she had a fascinating story: she was French and married a British colonel in his majesty’s army, who had died the previous year. ”

“Oh…” Elizabeth said.

“In Ramsgate, she was visiting some friends who were kind enough to host as she had not much family in England. She seemed a strong woman, fighting a difficult fate. She was so attentive, so gentle, so understanding, so undemanding without ever pressing her presence but always being present. She was admired by many gentlemen, but she showed a special interest in me. It is not difficult to guess that our acquaintance soon became very close.”

“I imagine…”

“I do not attempt to excuse myself, but from the very beginning I told her that my future intentions could never involve her. She replied with much easiness, insisting that she was well aware of that. Also, she mentioned that she could not enter into a commitment herself as it was very likely she would be invited to live overseas with an older relative who had a great fortune. She said her only wish was to enjoy my company for a time, to comfort each other, and to be sure that we should always be friends.”

He paused again, and his face darkened.

“In less than a week, our relationship assumed a private nature. I had generous funds at my disposal, so I rented a house to be separate from my cousins, and I spent the next fortnight with Annabelle. I felt free: no obligation, no responsibilities, only a beautiful woman whose goal seemed to be my well-being. I even wrote my father that I was delaying my return.”

Elizabeth’s eyes followed him as he paced the room.

“Robert went back to his regiment. He warned me about the possible outcome of that relationship, but I told him she was about to leave the country. So I was on my own with Annabelle’s company all the time.

I felt pleased and flattered. Now that I think back, there were things that should have told me about her duplicity—but then, at that age, I was oblivious to everything except how I felt with her.

She was truly…her skills in seduction were impossible to resist even for a wiser man. ”

“It is understandable… You were young and innocent yet burdened with so many duties. It is easy to become enamoured with a beautiful woman. There is nothing to be ashamed of. ”

“I do have reasons to feel ashamed. I was not so innocent. I was twenty with two older cousins, and I had had my share of knowledge of the world by that age.”

He avoided her eyes, and she felt her cheeks burning. He continued.

“I cannot excuse myself because of love, as not even then did I fancy myself being so. Perhaps I was smitten with her, but I was more flattered by the attentions of a beautiful woman—who seemed desired by many others—and content with the feeling of freedom and easiness she was giving me by her full attention. It was still my pride and vanity that put me in that situation—the faults for which even you reproach me now.”

“William, I am not—”

“After a month, my state of comfort changed. I was preoccupied with my abandoned duties, I was missing my sister, and I was worried for my father. I told Annabelle that I must return to Pemberley. I asked her when she was due to leave for America. Through tears, she confessed she had not received any news from her relatives. She said she did not want to trouble me with her problems, but she did not know what to do. Her friends could not support her for long, and she had no means to leave by herself.”

Darcy poured himself a glass of wine to moisten his lips.