Page 18 of Sketching Mr. Darcy
A n hour later, the fact that Mr Darcy had asked her to marry him seemed still a dream from which she had yet to awaken.
Who could have spread such horrible falsehoods about her and Mr Darcy, and to what purpose? She found no fault in Mr Darcy’s behaviour towards her. He seemed to be an honourable gentleman—of that, she had no doubt. But marry him?”
Alone in her room, Elizabeth’s head ached while her anger grew towards Mr Bingley and his sisters—and with everyone she felt to be guilty in the situation.
Then she started to cry. She fell asleep and woke to the din of voices and slammed doors, a sign that the Gardiners had arrived.
It was dark outside, as dark as the thoughts and meditations that continued to trouble her mind and extinguish the joy of seeing her relatives.
A knock on the door and Mrs Gardiner’s appearance forced Elizabeth to leave her bed and embrace her aunt.
“Lizzy, my love, I hope you do not mind. My brother Bennet told me what happened. I know you want to keep it secret for the present, but the need of speaking to someone—”
“I do not mind, Aunt. In fact, I am relieved that you already know. I do need to speak to someone, but I did not feel strong enough to tell Jane. I am so happy you are here.”
“As am I, dearest. Now—about this extraordinary situation that just occurred—I heard you spent quite some time talking to Mr Darcy, so I imagine things did not go smoothly. You look sad and exhausted,” Mrs Gardiner said gently, caressing her niece’s face.
“I was so astonished; I still am. It never crossed my mind that Mr Darcy… I was shocked when he helped me to get back home and then sent me his doctor…and now he asks me to marry him in a few days. I still cannot believe this is happening.”
“From what you wrote me, you and Mr Darcy had never been friends. It must be hard to consider being married to a man you hardly know.”
“I feel so helpless. My life has been decided outside my will because of some mischievous tales. Everybody in the neighbourhood knew that Mr Darcy and I disliked each other. Who could possibly start such horrible rumours, implying that he and I… Oh, Aunt, if you knew the things they said… I begged Mr Darcy to tell me, and then I felt so ashamed.”
“My dear, I am sure you will discover the truth eventually though it is of little importance now. Let us talk instead about what is happening now. Your father said he will not force you to do anything against your will. So, Lizzy—what is your will?”
“Aunt, I know my father will not force me, but what choices do I truly have? With our lack of dowry, there is little to recommend us. And with such gossip burdening our reputation, what little we had will be gone forever. With my marrying Mr Darcy, my family will be sheltered, and all my sisters will have a chance to find happiness. Perhaps, if Jane crosses Mr Bingley’s path again… ”
“Yes, Mr Bingley seemed to have been a desirable match for Jane, and it is sad that it did not happen, but what worries me even more is the sentiment with which you accepted Mr Darcy’s proposal.
It is not your will but rather the burden you agreed to carry, the sacrifice you agreed to make for your family.
You seem angry and bitter, so I must ask: Are you angry with Mr Darcy because there is another man whom you had hoped to marry? ”
“Not at all, Aunt. I might be angry and bitter, but it does not have to do with Mr Darcy himself. We had the chance to speak today more than we did during his entire stay at Netherfield. I have little with which to reproach him regarding his behaviour towards me. ”
“Very well—I am relieved to hear that. I was afraid that… You mentioned Mr Wickham quite often in your letters, and I thought you might—”
“Oh, Mr Wickham is not… I mean—he is, beyond all comparison, the most agreeable man I ever saw, but he is certainly not the reason for my concern regarding this marriage.”
“Very well… Now—may I ask what you told Mr Darcy when he proposed to you?”
“I was so shocked that I laughed and I refused him because I believed it to be dangerous and ridiculous to marry over idle reports. I could not imagine that he would enter into such a marriage willingly. I knew how much he disapproved of me and my family, and I also suspected that he had influence on Mr Bingley’s decision to leave Netherfield. ”
“Oh, dear Lord…and what did he say?”
“He was shocked, too, by my refusal…and angry. But then we talked, and he understood my reasoning. He was persistent, however, and he came up with some logical arguments of his own…and I finally understood that he was right. This is what should be done.”
“I see…Lizzy, you know that I grew up in Lambton—a small town only five miles from the Darcys’ estate, Pemberley. I knew Lady Anne Darcy quite well. She was the most wonderful lady that ever existed.”
“Yes, you told me that. You seemed quite charmed by everything related to Pemberley.”
“You may laugh, but you do not understand what it means to be part of that family. You do not know the extent of their name and their fortune. I would never imagine that someone from my family could one day become a Darcy, and I cannot help wondering why Mr Darcy would want to marry you! Yes, you are beautiful, smart, witty, kind, and generous, and I love you dearly. But I imagine there are many other young ladies equally beautiful and smart with impressive fortunes and connections who would be happy to marry him.”
“I asked myself, and I asked him the same. He said the gossip was his fault, and it was his duty to propose to me and protect both our families from the rumours. I felt he was forced by his honour and by his concern for his family to propose, and that is unfair to both of us.”
“Yes, I understand that—partially. I mean—he heard the reports, and he came to propose to you, though he could have pretended to be oblivious and waited for the rumours to disappear in time. But once you refused him, he could have left. Yet, he persisted and tried to persuade you to accept him. Why? Forgive me for being insensitive to your feelings, but you and your family have everything to gain from this marriage while he wins nothing.”
“I asked him that too. He said that he wanted to put an end to the gossip as soon as possible to protect his family. And he said he was certain that I would be suited for the position of his wife. He said he would not have proposed to me, all gossip aside, had he not been certain that I would be a proper Mrs Darcy,” Elizabeth replied, her emotions growing.
“He said that? Truly? It is equally astonishing from someone who—according to your own words—always disapproved of you and refused to speak more than two words with you.”
“It is astonishing. He even said that he always admired me during his stay in Hertfordshire! I find it hard to believe, but why would he lie to me? Oh, he is so difficult to understand…”
“He seems a very sensible and wise man, capable of recognising and appreciating your qualities, Lizzy. And, if he considers you suited to be the future Mrs Darcy, he has made you an extraordinary compliment. I hope you are wise and sensible enough to recognise that.”
“Do you not believe me capable of accomplishing the duties required of being Mrs Darcy? Do you doubt I am suited for the role?”
“I believe you capable of accomplishing anything you want, Lizzy. The question is: Do you want to do this? Are you willing to go through the circumstances that forced this alliance and to really become Mrs Darcy? I am sure Mr Darcy is not an easy man to live with, and the fact that you do not really know each other—nor will you have time to do so before the marriage—will only make things more difficult. You will need patience, wisdom, and strength. As Mrs Darcy, you will have a duty to raise this marriage to the level of your predecessors. I am sure Mr Darcy will expect and demand a lot from you, and so will everyone else. It is not something to be taken lightly.”
“I know that, Aunt. There are many things I need to think of before tomorrow. Besides, Mr Darcy already told me that he has some requirements. I shall see if I can—or want to—accept them. Both he and I have time to change our minds. Nothing is decided yet.”
“You should search both your heart and your mind before making the final decision, Lizzy. Search deeply and earnestly. This is a decision for your entire life, a decision that will affect many people besides you and Mr Darcy, starting tomorrow.”
“I know that, Aunt. If I could only make ‘tomorrow’ wait a little longer.”
***
At the Meryton Inn, Darcy and the colonel had a quiet dinner—too quiet, especially compared to the din of voices outside. The colonel declared he would take a stroll to visit the small town, and Darcy encouraged him to do so. He was in no mood for conversation.
Alone in his room, with only the company of a glass of wine, Darcy’s thoughts flew to Longbourn.
What is she doing? Has she said anything to her family?
Likely not as she surely did not need additional pressure on her shoulders.
It was clear to him that the prospect of such a marriage was nothing but a burden from which she still hoped to escape.
How was it possible? He had left Hertfordshire less than a month before in order to escape the dangerous attraction he felt for the daughter of a country gentleman.
He gave her more attention than he had to any other young lady.
Every day he sought an opportunity to catch a glimpse of her or speak a few words with her, and every sleepless night at Netherfield, he blamed himself for his obsession and his weakness.
His heart pounded wildly, his eyes sought any sign of recognition, and he shivered every time she was close to him—ridiculous in a man of his age and experience.
Never had his mind and body responded in such a powerful and disturbing way to a woman’s presence, and that weakness shamed him.