Page 16 of Sketching Mr. Darcy
This man was the opposite of Mr Collins: well educated, well read, and as handsome as he was smart—yet, a man who never said a kind word to her while he was at Netherfield, always looked at her to find fault, obviously disapproved of her family, most likely had had some influence in taking Mr Bingley from Jane, and did not hesitate to put his own will above his father’s in rejecting the living for Mr Wickham.
A man worth ten thousand a year—who had saved her life.
Slowly, she raised her eyes and started to speak, clasping her hands in her lap.
“Forgive me, sir. That is not what I meant. I am just saying that things could not possibly be so bad that they compel you to make such a gesture. I thank you for your honourable proposal. I know it was not easy, and I appreciate that you are thinking of me and my reputation in addition to your own. But I am sure everything will soon be forgotten.”
“Am I correct in assuming that you reject my proposal, Miss Bennet? That you do not wish to marry me? To be honest, I am quite shocked. I was certain that you would appreciate the fairness of my gesture. I had no idea that you think so ill of me that you would jeopardise your family and your future rather than marry me.”
“Mr Darcy, I beg you, please, let us sit and discuss this reasonably. Please.”
He looked at her intensely then sat. Then he rose, paced the room, and sat again .
“Sir, I would be lying if I said that I do not see the advantage of such a marriage for me. And my opinion of you is not ill, sir. In fact, I am not oblivious to your qualities. I admire your knowledge, your strength, your education, the brightness of your mind. Any woman would be happy to marry you, I believe.”
“And yet…? I sense there is a ‘but’ following here,” he said sharply. “Forgive me for being so blunt, but I will not deny that I am disappointed by your response.”
“There is a ‘but,’ sir. Surely, you remember that we were not even friends when you were in Hertfordshire. You always had something to reproach me for—and likely you had good reasons, I admit. You cannot deny that you disapprove of my family’s behaviour and never attempt to conceal it.
You hardly spoke a word to my father before my accident.
And you disapproved of and discouraged Mr Bingley’s attachment to Jane.
I will honestly confess that I was astonished by your kindness when you found me in the wood.
It is not that I believed you to lack compassion, but I would have expected you to send a servant to take me home than to do it yourself, and it was even more surprising that you thought of my health enough to send Dr. Taylor.
I will always be grateful to you, but I cannot possibly marry you only because of some gossip. ”
She added, her eyes holding his: “Had I less respect for you, sir, I would accept your proposal without a thought. We both know that such a marriage would be a gift for my family. But I cannot allow you to marry a woman you dislike merely for the maintenance of your reputation. How can you even consider that? It might have been any woman in my place that day. It was not your choice whom to help then, but it is your choice whether to marry someone who happened to be in your path. Gossiping tongues will soon stop wagging, but the marriage would remain, along with my family and your poor opinion of them. You will come to regret your decision and to hate and despise my family and me even more, and both our lives will be ruined. I cannot do that to you precisely because I do respect you—nor can I do it to myself. I believe I am entitled at least to a marriage of affection, respect, and mutual understanding.”
The emotions and tension made her eyes tearful. Her hands trembled, and she entwined her fingers together tightly. She felt his eyes staring at her, and then he suddenly whispered:
“Miss Bennet, please have a glass of water. Forgive me for being so harsh. It was not my intention to hurt you further.” She took the glass from his hands and drank greedily from it while he continued in a warm but determined voice, his countenance lighter.
“I understand your surprise, and now that I am thinking more clearly, I understand your reasoning. You are indeed fair, and your words prove your character. Will you… May I continue to speak more on this subject?”
“Please do, sir,” she said, but he needed a few long moments to find the words.
“Thank you. To be honest, I do not even know how to better word my reasoning…how to express my thoughts so you will better understand me…”
“Mr Darcy, since we find ourselves in this awkward situation for which neither of us is guilty, dare I suggest that complete honesty would be the best way to reach a solution? Rather than searching for proper words, sir, just speak openly.”
“Very well…” He took a seat in her relative proximity so they could face each other.
“Before going any further, I must clarify some of your observations. It is true that, on occasions, I disapproved of some of the behaviours displayed by your younger sisters, and that I put little effort into speaking with your parents. If my attitude was offensive, I apologise. Whatever my feelings might be, it is surely not for me to be the judge of others’ manners.
However, I never saw anything at fault in your and Miss Bennet’s behaviour, and I believe no one could find anything to blame in either of you.
It is not the time to speak of my approval or disapproval of Bingley’s affection towards Miss Bennet.
I did form an opinion based on my own observation, and I confess I did share it with Bingley, but I trust he has the wisdom and strength to make his own decisions eventually. ”
He averted his eyes a moment then continued.
“As for you and me not being friends, I am astonished that you consider that to be so, but I take the blame entirely, and please be certain that my reasons had nothing to do with you as a person. Since we are speaking honestly, I cannot deny that I have, for some time, admired your love of books, your wit, and your brightness of mind, and I found great pleasure in talking to you whenever I had a chance, which I know was not often.”
He stopped, gazing at her, while she listened in disbelief.
“Having been in each other’s company rather often, I considered you a close acquaintance, despite my outward manner, and so did not hesitate to make sure you arrived home safely when we met in the wood.
Afterwards, I sent Dr. Taylor, as I feared that your life might be in danger without proper care.
And that is where I might have been wrong.
I should have, perhaps, written Mr Bennet and asked him to keep secret the connection between Dr. Taylor and me.
That way, most of the rumours might have been avoided. ”
“You have done everything with genuine care, and only someone with a horrible lack of honour might blame you. I most certain do not, nor my family.”
“I thank you. You said that I would have done the same thing for any woman I found in such a precarious situation, but I must contradict you. I probably would have lent her my coat to protect her from cold and fetched someone, but no more. And you may be certain, Miss Bennet, that I would never make an offer of marriage to a woman whom I did not consider worthy to be part of my family—as my wife and as Georgiana’s sister.
I might sound proud and arrogant, but I do know what is required to be Mrs Darcy, and I would not risk having someone unworthy occupy that place, despite her unfortunate situation. ”
She smiled. “I may speculate that there are several women who would like that place very much and likely would perform better than I.”
He did not smile back. “Likely there are others who would wish that place but allow me to doubt they would perform better than you.”
“I thank you for your generous praise, and I appreciate your effort. But may I dare ask, sir, what you have to gain from such an arrangement, assuming we reach an agreement?”
“I must have your word, your commitment that you will be the Mrs Darcy that my family and everyone in my care deserve—which is difficult and will require much work. You will first have to bear me, which will not be an easy task. Even more, I will not deny that, in order to be absolutely certain, should we come to an agreement, I have a few conditions—most reasonable I may say—that I want from you as the future Mrs Darcy.”
“I understand that. Mr Darcy, you said that you would not have made this marriage offer to just anyone, despite any situation that may have arisen—and I am flattered that you said you admired me—but I must ask you something else. Had this situation not occurred, would you ever have considered making me a marriage offer?”
He hesitated a moment, holding her gaze in silence. “I confess I would not have,” he finally said, and she forced a smile.
“That is precisely my point, sir, and though I now understand your reasoning better, it also applies to me. In truth, had someone asked me, I would easily answer that you were the last man in the world whom I might consider marrying because I was certainly the last woman to whom you would propose.”
“Perhaps…but I have not the smallest doubt that I could never hate you, Miss Bennet. Quite the contrary, I make you this offer with the hope that, in time, our marriage will became a reasonably good one and give neither of us cause to repent it. And, as I said, I believe it will be to the advantage of both of us and our families.”
“Then you have more trust than I have. However, I shall not reject your words, sir, not after this conversation, which was truly helpful. I believe it has helped us to know each other better and surely helped me to sketch your character better. If we had more time, perhaps such decisions would be easier for us to make—the decision to marry, I mean. If we agree upon it, how soon should the wedding take place?”