Page 104 of Sketching Mr. Darcy
“William, she kept thanking us for the care we showed to her son! Can you imagine that? I shall never forgive myself for my thoughtless disobedience and stupid stubbornness. I almost killed Peter, and you, and Mrs Annesley, and poor Georgiana. Things could have been much worse, horribly worse. I am so sorry, my love, so very sorry.”
“Elizabeth, what are you saying?” Darcy kissed her hands repeatedly and then her forehead, then he gently caressed her face, almost afraid to touch her. “What are you speaking of, my dearest? Surely you cannot blame yourself for what happened?”
“How could I not? It is my fault! You told me so many times not to go out alone, and when I listened to your advice, everything was fine! We went to Cheapside and back twice, and nobody bothered us. And then I foolishly decided to disobey you and take a walk! Can anybody be more stupid than I am? How could a responsible woman behave in such a way?” She cried erratically, and Darcy fought his emotions while attempting to calm her.
“And Mrs Annesley stood by me so bravely! She has only known me for two weeks, and she jeopardised her life for me. And poor Peter—when I saw him running for the carriage, I wanted to shout at him to go away, but I could not. My mouth was covered, and I tried to fight with the man who wanted to shoot Peter—a boy of nine, and he wanted to shoot him. And then I saw you, and I was so frightened for you! Oh, William, I would have readily given my life to save yours… I prayed to God to allow me one more moment with you…”
“My love…” he whispered, kissing her hands again. “You should never think of this. Giving your life for me would do no good as my own life would mean nothing without you. And how can you blame yourself? If anyone is to be blamed it is me. It was my duty to protect you, and I failed…”
“William, no…”
“Yes! It is true that I gave orders for you to always have protection, but this was beyond imagining from the beginning—to not be safe to go wherever you want, whenever you want because of some of my relatives or acquaintances. Everything happened because of me. Your life has been so deeply disturbed since you married me. You have given me happiness, and I have given you distress and torment, and you almost lost your life…”
He could hardly speak from distress—words were difficult because of the lump in his throat—and even harder to understand.
“No, please do not say that, please…”
They struggled to comfort each other: hands were caressed and kissed, loving gazes shared, and eyes moistened with tears of guilt, relief, and fear for what might have been.
She cupped his face with trembling hands, smiling through her tears.
“When I saw you running towards the carriage, when I realised that I might never see you again, that we might lose each other… I remembered that I never told you I love you!”
He looked at her, holding his breath. Her smile turned even warmer and—to his utter shock—she kissed his hand, just as he had done with her so many times.
“I love you, my husband! I love you so much that my heart ached and yearned for you! I love you so much that I prayed the Lord should take my future if He wished for just one more moment with you.”
He stared at her, on the edge of tears and overwhelmed by the power of the words he hoped to hear. He had started to feel them—the expression in her eyes spoke more than the words themselves—but still longed to hear them. Her smile widened through her tears.
“I know you believe I might say it because of the accident, but I do not. I know now that what I felt for you in the last two weeks was love—slowly building in my heart. When you were away, I missed your presence, your smiles, and your warmth. The gratitude and admiration I felt for you, the fears and longing, the tenderness, the passion, the joy—everything means love! I love you, my beloved husband, with all my mind, my body, and my heart—with all my being. I love you, I love you.” She continued to repeat the words as if they had waited for so long to be said that she could hold them back no longer.
Darcy finally found the strength to speak, stroking her face.
“A week ago, I told you that you taught me the meaning of happiness, but you also taught me the meaning of love! I thought I was in love with you when we were in Hertfordshire, but what I felt then pales next to what I feel now. My soul is so full of you… ”
“We learnt the meaning of happiness together—as well as the meaning of love, my husband. I love you,” she said then laughed tearfully at her childish desire to repeat the words. He laughed too, covering her face with countless kisses, and she did not know whether she should laugh or cry.
They spoke and shared worries, hopes, and caresses with tenderness and pure joy. No other gesture was needed to settle what they now both knew: that there was no longer her and him, only them together with no one and nothing able to break their tight bond.
They were tired, pained, dizzy, and exhausted—and there was still much to clarify, discover, and settle from that day’s terrible experience—but neither wished to allow ugliness to shadow their moment or to have that moment end.
A soft knock was enough for Darcy to hasten out of bed in such a hurry that the pain cut his chest. He opened the door slowly and saw Stevens waiting in the hall.
“Sir, forgive me for disturbing you. Mr Adam Bourne is waiting downstairs.”