Page 61

River Ashland

" S even days makes me weak.

Not enough time for me.

The last on my mind.

The first in the morning."

With ease, I recited the lyrics like scriptures, feeling the weight of the words heavy on my chest. Singing words that portrayed my mood was easy.

Stringing words together to bring Crown back to me was the hard part.

At work, I talked people into generational wealth.

Racing, I popped my shit and proved every word to be true.

When it came to the BBs, I reminded them every chance I got that the world was theirs to conquer.

I knew all the right things to say to everyone but the person who needed to hear from me the most.

Coming out of my closet, I sat my heels next to the bed, grabbed my phone, then ran back "In My Feelings" by Choszn.

"Seven days makes me weak," I whispered.

Seven days had come and gone since I'd seen Crown.

That was a hundred and sixty-eight hours since I'd heard him call me Four.

And somehow that was a hundred and sixty-seven hours too long without him.

Losing him made time crawl. Every second was its own kind of cruel and unusual punishment.

I was the cause of my own torture, and I think that's what made it worse.

This fuck-up was mine to fix, and I didn't have a clue where to start, but that didn't stop me from trying.

I'd typed out way too many apologies, only to feel they weren't good enough and delete them. I wasn't sure what to say, but I knew Crown deserved more than a I'm sorry or I love you . He deserved honesty. He deserved a love that mirrored the love he's shown me from day one.

Maybe Crown isn't who I deserve... or maybe I'm not who he needs.

Shaking off that thought, I shoved my phone into my purse, slipped on my heels, and then sprayed his favorite perfume.

There was no way I didn't deserve Crown because I needed him even if he didn't need me.

Crown had become the answer to my prayers.

The ones I mumbled when sitting in my closet, broken and trying to piece myself back together.

The ones I didn't know I sent up when I was chasing dick to numb the pain.

Shit... maybe I didn't deserve him. I'd gotten so used to discarding men over the years that I had forgotten how to hold on to something sacred.

I wanted it all with Crown, the four-eyed triplets, his last name.

.. all of it, but I didn't deserve him.. . I didn't deserve Cortez.

Biting down on the inside of my cheek, I tried my best to blink back the tears. I didn't have time to cry, but once a few slipped out, they all began to fall. I took a deep breath, ready to let everything pour out of me, until I heard three soft knocks on my bedroom door.

"Chosyn," I whispered, almost forgetting that she was still in my apartment.

We talked when we first woke up about her heading home to be with her husband.

Chosyn wouldn't say it, but I knew she was missing Wolfe like crazy.

I figured she'll leave long before I made the decision to go to Sincere's Remembrance.

Rakim texted to check up on me and passed the invite along.

At first, I didn't plan on going, but then I thought about how this was the perfect way to close this chapter of my life.

Chosyn was probably going to make a big fuss about me going, but I didn't care because I needed this to fully let go and move on with my life.

I stood wiping under my eyes, grabbed a few other things to stuff in my purse, then went to open the door.

"I know you're not going where I think you are?" Chosyn sassed, shifting Phoenix from one hip to the other. My girl was a momma forreal, and because of that, I knew there was nothing she could do to stop me from leaving.

"I am," I answered, kissing Phoenix's chubby cheeks.

"No, you're not."

"Who's going to stop me?" I asked already halfway down the hall.

"You think because I have Phoenix that I won't follow you there?"

"I know you won't because then you'll have to deal with Wolfe being mad at you, and we both know you hate that."

"You think you're funny?" she snapped, trailing behind me.

"Nothing I said was funny, but I'm not your child, Chosyn. I can come and go as I please."

"Why do you insist on fucking up your life?" she huffed as we both came down the stairs.

"What are you talking about now?" I sighed over the high horse Chosyn had seemed to find herself on.

"Crown! Crown is what I'm talking about. How do you think he'll feel knowing you went to a get-together for your ex?"

"One, it's not a get-together. It's a remembrance memorial."

"I don't care what it is because your ass did enough remembering with the shrine you had in your closet."

"Don't start, please!" I whined.

"Speaking through your teeth like the nigga who's going to fuck you up when he finds out, doesn't scare me."

"How is Crown going to find out? I know you won't tell him. Not my best friend."

"Don't play the best-friend card because this goes beyond friendship. It's about your well-being."

"My well-being?" I scoffed. "I'll be fine. Who's going to hurt me, Rakim?"

"Maybe since he's been following you. That is what you told me, right? That you've been seeing his car in places where you are."

"That doesn't matter because I'm not staying long. I'm going to say goodbye, and then I'm leaving."

"Say goodbye for what? That nigga's been gone."

"Do you have to be so disrespectful about it?"

"Yes, when the bullshit you're doing is going to hurt someone I care about."

"Crown won't get hurt because I'm not doing anything other than saying goodbye." Chosyn pursed her lips together, giving me that bitch please look. I sighed, knowing that if I wanted to get out of this house, I had to give her more than I'm saying goodbye.

"I know you think what I'm doing is going to hurt my chances of getting Crown back, but I'm doing this for us.

What I said at Sincere's funeral was supposed to be my goodbye, but it wasn't. I've been holding onto him for the last three years, and look at what it's cost me?

I lost a one-of-a-kind man. If I want to get him back, then I need to prove to him that what I felt for Sincere doesn't compare to how I feel about him.

I have to lay Sincere to rest mentally, and this is my chance.

You don't have to understand, but please respect my wishes. "

Chosyn placed Phoenix in the pack-n-play, gave her a stuffed bear, and then looked me dead in the face.

"I hope you're telling the truth because even though I understand it, I don't agree with it.

Sincere has been dead for years. I feel you need to let him rest wherever he is and focus on you for once.

You let him control so much of you when he was alive and even more in death.

Don't push Crown further away by chasing after closure when you know it's not needed.

The way you fell for Crown is proof of that. "

I swallowed hard but didn't respond. Chosyn might've been right, but this was something I was doing for myself regardless of anyone's opinion.

"I still can't believe someone took both of my children from me."

Before I could respond, Selene leaned into me, wrapping her arms around me for a hug I didn't plan on returning.

Her weight sank into me, heavy in ways that had nothing to do with her size.

Selene wasn't a heavyset woman, but the way grief had struck her life made her feel heavier as if the sorrow of her losses settled in her bones.

Not wanting to be rude, I hugged her back awkwardly and stiffly.

Her body shook with silent sobs, and in feeling her depleted energy, something shifted in me.

I believed grief was out of my control and came and went as it pleased. But holding Selene, I realized grief was a choice because if you let it, grief settled inside of you, rearranging your thoughts, beliefs, and feelings until the corners of your life felt like home to it.

Selene still had years ahead of her, people who loved her, a life worth living, yet she chose to remain in the moment her children died.

.. just like I did with Sincere. Those promises we made were just that.

.. promises. Hopeful wishes I clung to, dreams I wanted to believe in but never fought to make real.

That was the difference between what Sincere stirred in me and what Crown awakened.

Sincere made me feel safe in the idea of love, whereas Crown made me feel alive being inside love.

Crown didn't have to promise me a future.

He is my future, whether I am ready for it or not.

His love wasn't built on what we said we'd do one day.

It was messy, demanding, immature, and obsessive, even, but it was ours.

It pulled me out of grief, not by forcing me to forget Sincere but by reminding me I was still breathing without him, still able to love beyond him.

Standing here, wrapped in the weight of Selene's sorrow, I realized I didn't need to say goodbye to Sincere.

It didn't mean anything. Crown's love had etched his name into my bones, carved it so deep that I felt him in every corner of me.

And somehow, standing in the middle of another man's memory while the one I loved still lived in my every breath felt disrespectful.

"Um, Selene... I think I should leave," I murmured.

"Leave? Oh no, you can't leave River. You just got here.

" Selene pulled away, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

"I'm so sorry for breaking down like that.

I'm usually the one holding everybody together during this time, but I haven't seen you since the funeral.

Seeing you now is like seeing Sincere. You two were inseparable.

I used to think one couldn't breathe without the other. "

"I... uh... um... I?—"